


Jennifer 8

by nottherightseason



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: AU, Abortion, Abuse, Age Difference, Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Billy Hargrove Lives, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Canon Divergence, Emotional Abuse, Extramarital Affair, F/M, Flawed characters, Friends to Lovers, Gaslighting, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Language, Missing Persons, Mystery, Original Characters - Freeform, Past Relationships, Power Imbalance, Secret Relationships, Sex, Sexual Coercion, Sexual Tension, Unhappy marriage, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:06:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 117,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23358991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nottherightseason/pseuds/nottherightseason
Summary: California, 1984. Jennifer Lewinsky is just a high-school dropout: back in town and lonely, with a husband who works too late, and old high-school friends who are graduating without her. Enter, one said high-school friend: Billy Hargrove. King of the School and an old flame.Updated weekly and also available on my tumblr @nottherightseason
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 113
Kudos: 63





	1. Cherry Baby

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Canon? I don’t know her. This is a total drift off canon because it’s 1984 and the Hargrove’s never moved to Hawkins. But anyhoo, my new fic, ‘Jennifer 8′ starts here…Military bases, missing sisters, and probably way too many 80s movie references to count. You can also read this fic on my tumblr @nottherightseason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Alcoholism, some sexual references. There is an age difference of almost seven years between Jennifer and her husband, so be aware of that if that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable. Neil also pops up towards the end- and honestly, that man comes with his own warning.

She supposed she had missed it really. Here. Home. California; The Golden State with its honey-colored streets and boardwalks dusted with sand. The orange trees. The crisp sea air. The pearly white clouds that settled over the pier when the sun wasn’t quite up yet, looking like fat dollops of whipped cream and smelling like salt and cotton candy. Even if it was early September and still well above seventy degrees. She’d missed feeling the sunshine on her skin.

“I remember you.” Darleen Cutler, all pink in her salmon-colored shirtwaister and white apron, was already starting to sweat. Sat across from her in the red plastic booth and mopped at her forehead with a handkerchief. Revealed a dark stain under her arm when she raised it. “It’s Beaumont, isn’t it? Jennifer?”

“Actually, it’s Lewinsky now.” She felt the older woman’s eyes drift automatically to the gold wedding band on her finger. Flexed it so it hit the light. “I used to come here all the time though. You still do those toffee and banana shakes?”

“Of course we do.” The blonde diner owner sniffed and sat stiffly back. Studied the dark-eyed girl in front of her- all messy curls and long, tanned legs; Legs that she’d crossed neatly under the table, her chunky brown mules swinging from her cherry-painted toes. “So that makes you Tommy Lewinsky’s new wife, does it?”

“You know him?” The girl brightened a little because she was right.

“I know _of_ him,” Darleen said. “Small towns like this are so full of gossip, and I heard he’d gone and married some high school girl over the summer, and took her away someplace for their honeymoon...I didn’t know it was you though.”

“It wasn’t a honeymoon.” Jennifer bristled slightly at the disapproving tone. Used to it. Still a little stung though. “He got a transfer to another base.”

“And what...he’s back now, is he?”

“He got homesick.” She said it so bluntly. “Do you mind if I smoke in here?”

Jennifer lit up before Darleen even had time to answer, and Darleen could tell by the way the girl looked down that she’d made her uncomfortable. Watched her wet her lips and turn her head to the main counter- lined with a row of sleepy-eyed truckers who were sat nursing their coffee. “I have that job vacancy you asked for,” she said, changing the subject because the girl wasn’t saying anything and the silence was beginning to get awkward. “I had a girl quit on me last week ‘cause she went away to college. _Harvard_. Bright kid.”

Jennifer was distracted. Thinking, as always, of other things. “Listen, I said I’d work any hours you can give me and I meant it.”

“And Tommy doesn’t mind you working?”

“Tommy doesn’t tell me what to do.” The girl sighed out slowly through her nose because the questions were irritating her. White smoke billowed in a cloud around her dark head. “And besides,” she added, almost squirming in her seat. “I want to earn my own money. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Nobody said otherwise,” Darleen quipped. “In fact, I encourage it. Girls _should_ earn their own money. But you’d only be able to work three days a week.”

“Work’s work.” Jennifer’s shoulders hitched slightly as she stretched to tap ash into the tray beside her elbow. Adjusted a crotchet strap that had slipped down over her tanned arm. “And you’d really be helping a girl out, you know. There’s not many places that are taking on now that summer’s over.”

Seasonal work was all there was, she thought; Ride attendants and hotel chambermaids, and food stall workers on the pier. Except all the rides were now closed for the Fall, and the holidaymakers had emptied out of the hotels and the beaches and the holiday resorts, leaving them all empty.

Work in Santa Carla was rarer than snow.

“Well, if you can pour coffee,” Darleen said. “And you can make toast, fry a couple of eggs and open a can of beans…then I guess the job is yours.”

Jennifer smiled triumphantly and dashed the end of her cigarette into the ashtray; Swatched with waxy red lipstick. Half-smoked. “I won’t let you down,” she said, and a quick glance at her watch had her sliding out of the booth and reaching for her purse. “Listen, I gotta run,” she sighed. “But is there any chance I could have one of those cakes over there? Biggest one you have?”

Darleen was smirking as she went to box it up. Chose the biggest cream bun on the end with the strawberry on top. “Celebrating your new job?” She asked, eyeing the girl’s skinny, long-legged frame. “You’ll never eat all that yourself.”

“Who said it was for me?” Jennifer gave her nose a light tap.

“You better make the most of being a closed book, honey.” Darleen laughed, watching the girl tuck the glossy white box beneath her arm. “A month working in this place and soon, everybody’ll know everything there is to know.”

“There’s nothing to know about me,” she said confidently, but her smile dulled a little all the same when Darleen gave another snicker.

“You made it out of this town,” she pointed out, elbows turned lazily to the counter. “And most people with common sense, they don’t often come back when they do. But you did. And people’ll be just dying to know why.”

“Homesickness,” she offered lamely up. “I told you that.”

“Well, whatever you’re here for. Welcome home, Jennifer Lewinsky.”

—

“What the hell are you looking at?” Tired of banging on the front door, Jennifer dropped to feel for a spare key under the mat. Shot a glare at the neighbor across the street and turned away to scowl. “Take a picture, why don’t you?”

 _It’ll last longe_ r, she thought.

“She won’t be up yet,” the elderly man quipped, turning his nose up as he collected his mail. “She’s never up before lunchtime. Don’t you know that yet?”

“Mind your own business, asshole.” Fingers scrabbled under plant pots as she searched. Found the key tucked beneath the backside of a grinning, rosy-cheeked garden gnome. Jennifer was seething as she went inside. “Mom, are you awake?” She blundered a little in the dark hallway, missing the sunshine as she felt her way along the papered wall. “Mom, can you hear me?”

There was no answer. A quick snap of the light in the living room revealed that the electricity had been cut off again. And a groan, muffled by blankets, came from the couch. _“Who the bastard hell let you in this time? Was it Leo?”_

“Leo’s at school.” Light flooded in when Jennifer dragged the curtains open, and the figure on the couch groaned louder, stirring. Tried to pull the blankets back over their head before Jennifer was snatching at them too. “Didn’t you hear me knocking?” She rapped out. “What’s going on? Mr. Houseman was having a field day gawping across the street. Nosy old bastard.”

“Somebody should shoot him.” Her mother sat straighter. Hand to her head and squinting in the bright sunlight. Bare feet nudging at the empty liquor bottle on the carpet. “What are you doing here anyway? Didn’t know you were back.”

“I told Leo to tell you.” Jennifer began by emptying the ashtray, then moved on to picking up the takeout cartons. Took them into the kitchen and returned with an empty trash bag. “You should probably open up a window. It stinks in here.”

_The room reeked of sour body odor. Stale breath and alcohol._

“Go to hell, Jennifer.” Moira Beaumont studied her daughter as she worked, scowling because her head hurt and the sun was too bright. “I suppose even your shits smell like flowers in that fancy house up on 44th Street?”

“You sound practically bitter.” Jennifer didn’t flinch. “You took your meds yet?”

“Like you care.” Her mother pushed to stand; Unsteady as she staggered to the mantle to tip the photographs facedown. “So why’s my darling daughter returned to town? Come to gloat at us all now that she’s married to a military man? Living _lavishly_ in her little cul-de-sac? At least I finished high school.”

“The pinnacle of success, huh?” Jennifer righted the picture frames and her mother didn’t move to stop her. “You shouldn’t mess with those. They’re nice.”

Moira snorted rudely and sat back down. “Does your father know you’re back?”

“I haven’t had a chance to tell him yet. I’ll probably give him a call later.”

“Don’t bother,” her mother said sourly. “He never picks up when I call him.”

“I wonder why.” Jennifer rolled her eyes when she was sure her mother wasn’t looking. Crossed over to the window to open them, and busied herself with the slippery pile of magazines that were scattered over the coffee table. “I got a job today,” she said, without looking up. “Should have some money coming in for you soon: Maybe we could get the power back on before the winter. Get Leo a new coat for school or something. Some new clothes for you too, maybe?”

“Nothing wrong with my clothes.” Moira plucked at the sleeve of her faded bathrobe, pushing her hair from her eyes- just as wild and as curly as her daughter’s. Same bone features too. Same sharp pointed chin. “Would you like me to get down on my knees and thank you for being such a saint?”

“I’m not sure you’d be able to get back up, mother.” Jennifer wiped her hands on the seat of her denim shorts, pinching at her lower lip with her teeth. “You should get dressed,” she suggested helpfully. “Have a shower. Get some fresh air- it’s a lovely day outside…We could go and see Laura if you like.”

“I don’t _want_ to see Laura.” Her mom spat something white into the ashtray and Jennifer tried not to look at it. Felt her stomach turning anyway.

“You shouldn’t talk like that,” she said. “You haven’t seen her in ages.”

Her mother scoffed bitterly at that. “Says the one who went away all summer.”

“Well, I’m back now,” she tried.

“And the universe finds peace.” Moira tipped back onto the couch and covered her eyes with a pillow. Lay there and didn’t speak another word, not even when her daughter tried to coax her up with a glass of milk and a stack of pancakes- the only half-decent meal she could whip up from the practically bare kitchen cupboards. Lay there until Jennifer had finished tidying and had set the plate down on the coffee table. Listened for the sound of her daughter’s footsteps crossing to the door. “Close the curtains on your way out,” she said then, trying to sit up. “And the windows too. You know the fresh air makes me sick.”

Jennifer hovered in the doorway. “Close them yourself,” she said. “And don’t touch that cream bun I left in the kitchen. It’s for Leo. It’s not for you.”

Moira muttered something about cream buns being bad for her digestion, but Jennifer was already on her way out, and she wasn’t sure she had heard her.

—

Tommy Lewinsky came home, as usual, to a quiet house; The grandfather clock ticking steadily in the carpeted hall. The TV humming away to itself- some soap opera that he turned off on his way through to the kitchen. Put his bag and his jacket down on the counter to move later. Smelled coffee brewing.

Tommy poured two mugs with cream and sugar and took them upstairs.

“Damn it, Jen.” He found his wife sleeping on the top of the bed. Still dressed in the shorts and crochet cami top she’d been wearing that morning before he’d left for work. Pressed his knee into the mattress to hover and sweep away the dark curls that partially covered her face. “You lie awake all night complaining you can’t sleep, then dream away your entire afternoon. No wonder.”

“It’s the damn heat.” Jennifer stirred and turned to view her husband, her eyes fluttering open to peer up into that handsomely boyish face; Black hair slack over his forehead. His tie, loose now that he was home. Shirt sleeves pushed to the elbow. Jacket, gone. “Too hot to sleep at night, and too hot to do anything else in the day. Almost makes you miss Minnesota, doesn’t it?”

“ _Almost_.” He bent to kiss her on the mouth. “Coffee should wake you up.”

“It’s the coffee that keeps me awake at night.” She sat up in the bed to drink it anyway. Scooted over when Tommy kicked off his shoes and joined her against the headboard. “How was work? Bet it was strange being back at the base.”

“Not really.” He shrugged. “It felt like I hadn’t even been away.”

“Everything still the same then?” Jennifer didn’t press too hard for details. She knew that Tommy couldn’t discuss what was done up there; Just knew that she had to tut and shake her head when the town phone lines occasionally went down, or the power went out and the only lights visible in the sky were red.

“You know how it is.” Jennifer didn’t. “But it was nice seeing the guys again.”

“Are you still going out for drinks with them all tomorrow night?”

Tommy just shrugged and took off his tie. Snaked it around the bedpost until Jennifer reached for it herself, thumbing idly at the black silk. “You know,” she said, smiling. “Before we were married I thought you slept in a tie.”

“Only for very formal sleeps,” he quipped, and she laughed.

“I still think you should go,” she said quickly. “For drinks, I mean. You should do something at least. To celebrate.” Jennifer plucked the cup from Tommy’s hand and stretched to set it on the bedside table. Moved slightly to hover over him on the bed. “You should do something special,” she pushed with a smile. “It’s not every day a man turns twenty-five, you know.”

“Another year in Santa Carla.” Tommy was trying to concentrate but Jennifer was kissing him. Doing that thing she always did when she wanted to get her own way- pushing her mouth into the curve of his neck and trying to get in at him through his collar. “Twenty-five fucking years in the same town.”

“You’re not regretting coming back, are you?” She hummed. “It was your idea.”

“No,” he said, and he sighed a little. “I’m just complaining.”

“Complaining like an old man.” She kissed him again. Drove him crazy when she kissed him like that. Crazy like a dog. “You’re an old man, Lewinsky.”

Tommy thought that if she kissed him again he might die. 

“I have something to tell you,” she breathed then. Her curls were tickling his cheek as she kissed her way along his jaw. “Promise me you won’t get mad?”

“Mad at you?” He used his hands to hold her head. Fingers pressed firmly against her ears, keeping her still. “When have I ever been mad at you?”

“Never,” she said. “I hope it’ll stay that way.”

“Should I be as nervous as you’re making me feel right now?”

She cocked her head at him like she was playing a game. Then turned her face slightly so that her mouth was against the inside of his wrists, her lips pressed against blueish-green veins. “I got a job,” she said. “At Cutler’s.”

“Cutler’s Diner?” Tommy let go of her and Jennifer scooted back onto her knees to look at him. Knelt there in the middle of the bed. “But I thought we talked about this,” he said. “I told you, didn’t I? You don’t _need_ to get a job.”

“I know I don’t _need_ a job,” she tried. “But I _want_ one.”

“But why? You’re not worrying about money, are you?”

“No,” she said quickly, and she laughed. “It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Tommy wanted to understand. Tried to.

“I just…” Jennifer worked her bottom lip between her teeth. Looked ready to give a long spiel about something but eventually sighed and said instead: “I just feel like I’ll go mad sitting in the house all day,” she confessed, at last. “I’ll only be working three days a week but it’s something to do- there’ll be people to see, and errands to run. And I don’t know. Maybe I won’t feel so crazy.”

“You know I don’t like that word.” Tommy accepted what she said because he loved her. Because doing anything but believe her would go against everything they had promised each other those six weeks earlier. “And you thought I’d be mad at you about that?” He asked her. “'Cause you wanted something to do?”

A small smile tugged at Jennifer’s lips. “ _Crazy_. I know.”

She was teasing him, he thought.

“Come here,” he said, and she came to him. Let herself be swept up in his arms and turned onto her back so that he could kiss her. Moved as always to accommodate him when he pushed his way between her knees. Her eyes fluttering like a doll’s when she moved under him, her head thrown back into the pillows to offer up her throat. “You know I’d never leave you, right?”

“I know.” Her eyes were still closed. Her hand, cast back and pushed flat against the wall. Tommy stared at the five fingers spread against the patterned paper. Studied the bend of her wrist where tendons pushed beneath the skin.

“And you know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, right?”

“I know.” She let him inch her top up as far as it would go, noting that she wasn’t any cooler for it- seemed hotter almost; Sighed his name as he bent to kiss the candy cane ribs above her stomach, swimming back up to her mouth where she siphoned all of her noises into him; Legs thrown up happily around his waist through force of habit, because they often had sex for dinner like this.

Tommy could feel her heart beating when he pressed his weight down into her; That rapid, gunfire trill that mirrored his own. He pushed his face into the pillow next to her head and started fucking. Took his time because she was sighing so prettily into his ear, and clawing at him so violently with her hands. Dragged her nails across his shoulderblades until the skin burned. Pulled at his hair until his face was level with hers again and she could reach his mouth. 

“ _Tommy_ -” She was trying to say something but he kissed her into silence. Muffled those whines and took the back of her thighs to push her knees up higher. Drove himself deeper until he thought they would both fall right through the bed, landing with a thud on the other side. “Oh,” she breathed, and she gave a shudder underneath him and tossed her head. “That’s the best.”

When they were finished, Tommy stayed hovering over her until they caught their breath. Then he touched her forehead with his hand and kissed her on the line of her nose. “Shower?” He asked, and she just smiled at him. 

“You go,” she said. “I don’t think my legs are working yet.”

Jennifer lay still and listened for the click of the bathroom door down the hall. Then stretched to put her hands between her knees. Felt for the space where he had been until her fingers came back warm and slick; Always thought that was the only worst part about it- what came afterward. What got left behind inside of her. The ugly, messy remnants of men. Leaving their mark the way stray dogs pissed against the side of trees. Jennifer grimaced and wiped her hands on the duvet, and then got up and followed him into the shower.

\---

_“He wants you to do what?”_

Jennifer side-eyed Darleen from the counter, busying herself with refilling the condiment trays by her elbow so she didn’t have to look at her; Always found it so hard to talk about Tommy when the woman made it so obvious that she disapproved of their relationship. And Jennifer had found herself biting her tongue all week at the turned-up noses, and at the subtle scoffs at the back of her throat. All because of that damned name: Tommy Lewinsky. 

“It’s really not that big of a deal,” she shrugged, still not looking at her. “I’ve been asking him all week if he wants to do something for his birthday. People _should_ do nice things for their birthday. And all he wants is to invite one of his work friends over for dinner sometime. So I said, fine. I’d cook us all a meal.”

Darleen looked at her like Tommy had asked her to slaughter a basket of kittens or something. ““He wants you to _cook_ for him?“

“I cook for him every day,” she said. “It’ll be just like a little dinner party.” 

“Christ, Jennifer. Have you ever cooked for a dinner party before?”

“No,” she said. “But I mean...how hard can it be?”

“Hard enough if you don’t know what you’re doing.” Darleen seemed to jump at the opportunity to elaborate. “What are you thinking of making?” 

It was all beginning to feel like a test at school or something. Jennifer was already regretting bringing it up. “I hadn’t really thought about it.” She turned away to toy with the register. “I guess I’ll just make a pot roast or something.”

“You’re joking, right?” The diner owner’s haughty tone annoyed her. Made her bristle up like she’d done the day of the interview. “You _can’t_ serve a pot roast at a dinner party. You have to serve up chicken divan, or tuna casserole.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Jennifer turned her head to roll her eyes. “I didn’t know we were also going back in time to the 1950s. Should I make him a pineapple upside-down cake as well?” She popped the till closed with her hip and let out a sigh. “Tommy won’t care what I make. He doesn’t want a big fuss anyway.”

“So why’s Tommy got such a stick up his ass about birthdays?” 

“ _He_ _hasn’t_.” The two women looked up when the bell above the door jangled, and a pretty young woman walked in. Swayed in her plaid skirt as she took a seat in one of the booths near the window, then bent her strawberry-blonde head to study the menu. “Oh, God.” Jennifer screwed her eyes shut as if the girl would disappear when she opened them again. “Can you serve her?”

“Are you kidding?” Darleen stole a look at the girl and then turned back to Jennifer, noting that the newbie waitress had suddenly gone very pale. Almost clammy. The way people looked in doctor’s offices when they were about to get a shot. “Isn’t that Monica Harford? I thought you two were friends.”

“We _were_ friends,” she said. “ _Best_ friends.”

“So then what’s the problem?” Darleen plucked a pencil and pad from her apron and pressed it into the girl’s hands. “Go on. Take her order.”

“I _can’t_.” She grimaced at her. Pleading. “It’s messy. It’s complicated.”

“It wouldn’t have something to do with a boy, would it?” Darleen rolled her eyes because didn’t it always? And wasn’t it always such a waste of time? “Suck it up, kid. Be a professional. I don’t have time for your teen angst bullshit.”

“My teen angst bullshit?” Jennifer muttered to herself as she trawled her way over. Soles sliding across the red and white tiles because she was dragging her feet along, very aware that Darleen was watching her all hawk-eyed from the counter. “This is _so_ beyond stupid...” 

She stopped when she reached the booth and fidgeted with her apron; It was creased straight down the middle where she’d folded it. “Can I take your order?” She asked straight-up. “Or do you still need some time deciding?”

"No, that’s alright. I’ll just-” Monica’s eyes widened when she looked up and saw her friend standing there. _Ex-friend_. Shifting awkwardly in her salmon pink uniform and patent pumps. “Oh, my God, Jennifer. What are _you_ doing here?”

“I’m here to take your order.” Jennifer was being pedantic about it. 

“No, I mean...” Monica thought about asking her how she was. Couldn’t help it. “I didn’t know you were back in town,” she said instead. “You’ve been away all summer. Everyone said you were honeymooning in Minnesota.”

“It wasn’t a honeymoon.” Jennifer rapped her pencil on her pad and spoke briskly. “It was work-related...for Tommy anyway. We just got back last week.”

“You didn’t come back to school.” A freckled nose twitched.

“Married women don’t go to high school,” she responded coolly.

“Did _Tommy_ tell you that?” Monica laughed at her. “Look at you,” she said, almost mocking. “You look so different: _Grown-up_. And your hair’s curly. You never wore it like that. Always used to straighten it so you could look like-”

“Look like you, you mean?” The glance Jennifer gave her was almost frosty. “I used to straighten my hair so I could look like you, Mon; And Dawn. And Abi. And all the other girls at school. Why did we think it was so important for us all to look the same? What terrible thing did we think would happen if we didn’t?”

Monica didn’t have an answer for that. Picked at the menu corner where the plastic was peeling and didn’t speak. Jennifer was shifting from foot to foot and tapping her pencil on her notepad. Monica wanted to ask her how she was. 

She felt the question bubbling up inside of her but forced it back down.

“How’s the pie in this place?” She asked tentatively at last.

“Delicious, actually.” Jennifer scribbled something down. “Try the cherry.”

“Alright then.” Another silence followed. Both girls pressed their lips into thin lines. Pressed until their mouths had just about disappeared. Until they both looked like ventriloquist dolls. “I think I’ll have a coke too,” she said lamely.

“Cherry, plain or vanilla?” Jennifer’s face was serenely slack. 

“ _Cherry_ ,” she said. “Like the pie.”

“You always used to-” Jennifer stopped and shook her head a little when she wrote it down. Looked caught out for a moment. “You always used to wear that lipstick at school,” she remembered, looking wistful. “Cherry Something.”

“Cherry Baby,” she cut in. 

“Yes, that’s the one.” For a moment it looked like Jennifer was about to smile, but then she stopped herself. “You were wearing it that night,” she said flatly, and Monica squirmed. “At the dance...Would you like ice with that?”

“I’m sorry?” 

“Ice,” she said. “With your coke.”

“Oh, right.” The girl went pink and gave a flustered nod. “Yes, please.” 

“I miss you more than I miss him.” Monica wasn’t sure she had heard her right when she said it, but Jennifer had lowered her pad and was looking at her all intently. “I stopped crying over him weeks ago. But you...I haven’t stopped yet.”

“You haven’t?” Monica felt awful. Had a feeling she was supposed to. 

Jennifer shook her head in response and went to fetch her order. Came back to the table with a hunk of cherry pie and a tumbler of coke, which she slid across to the girl in a brisk fashion. “I’m having a dinner at my place tomorrow night,” she said quickly. Seemed to be speaking so fast so she could hurry up and get it over with. Rip the damn bandaid off. “It’ll just be Tommy and his work friend,” she noted. “So I can’t promise you any riveting conversation, but I-”

“ _I’d love to_ ,” Monica said it and meant it with all her heart. “I’d love to come.”

“You would?” Jennifer had been hoping she’d say that, but now that she had she was all nervous again, and she didn’t know how to act. “This won’t fix it,” she said seriously. “Inviting you to dinner doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten what happened. I’m still _mad_ at you. What you did...it still _hurt_ me.”

“I know.” Monica reached across for her hand. A bold move. “I’m sorry, Muffin.”

 _Muffin_. Their old nickname. Another bold move. 

Jennifer wasn’t sure if it was too soon. 

“I just missed you,” she said simply. “That’s all.”

“Well, isn’t this sweet?” The two girls pulled away and turned to see an older man standing there behind them; All sandy blonde hair and a mustache that completely covered his upper lip. He was dressed smartly because Jennifer could see the knot of his tie beneath his overcoat, and she wondered who the hell wore overcoats in seventy-degree heat.

Neil Hargrove wore them. Obviously. 

“What are you doing here?” Jennifer asked. Turned her head to look away from him and scowl at the table. “Make any babies cry today, sir?”

“ _Not_ _yet_ ,” he said, flicking familiarly at her ponytail. “But the day is young.” He cocked his head and stared at her until she was forced to look up at him- all pretty and pink in her new uniform, he thought. “I heard a rumor that little Jennifer Lewinsky was waiting tables here; Thought I’d stop by and say hello.”

“The rumors are true,” she quipped. “Which little birdie told you that then?”

“Tommy,” he said smartly. “ _Your_ Tommy.”

“My Tommy told you that?” She laughed for some reason. 

“Sure did.” Neil caught Monica staring at him so he turned to wink. Had to laugh a little himself when she blushed and turned away. “Thought I’d be a gentleman and stop by to say thank you for that lovely dinner invitation.”

“ _Dinner_ _invitation_?” Monica piped up a little in shock. “You mean, you’re-”

“You mean, Tommy didn’t tell you I was invited?” Neil turned to tut at Jennifer. Tutted so comedically that she almost laughed again. Felt herself holding it back when he plucked the cherry from Monica’s drink and pinched the thin stalk between his fingers. Tips stained white with cream. “Why would he do a thing like that?” He asked. “Don’t you think it’s a little odd?”

_Because he knew exactly what she’d have said if he’d told her, she thought._

“Tommy _did_ tell me, actually.” She bit back a nervous smirk when Neil ate the cherry. Heard it pop in his mouth because he bit down on it. _Hard_. “It must have just slipped my mind, that’s all. You know how it is.” She mused with a careless shrug. Unbothered. “More important things to think about now that-”

“Now that you’re married,” he answered for her, nodding. “Yes, of course.” 

Neil pushed a hand through his hair and watched her with a smile. Seemed to be glowing the longer he did, drinking her in. “We were all a little surprised at the news,” he told her. “Some of us a little _more_ surprised than others. My son for instance. He was... _shocked_ , to say the very least.”

He was trying to get her to say something but Jennifer just smiled. Bit her tongue and smiled so tightly her cheeks were beginning to hurt. 

She wondered who had it in for her the most: the universe or Neil Hargrove.

She wondered why the hell she had come back to Santa Carla. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you guys think- you can also find me on my tumblr @nottherightseason :)


	2. Into the Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting so patiently for the next chapter :) I’’m going to try and make a weekend update a regular thing unless I have a chapter that I’m absolutely dying to post :D We have some Billy in this chapter, and God is he fun to write. TW: Some sexual references. Subtle gaslighting that the main character isn’t aware of yet.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was Neil Hargrove you’d invited to dinner?” Jennifer floated there in the porcelain tub. Frothy white bubbles up to her neck. Rose pink and soft like a peach under the steaming water, one dripping hand pressed against the cool, buttermilk wall. “Didn’t you think it’d be weird?”

“ _Weird_? Weird how?” Tommy sat at the edge of the bath and didn’t look at her. Kept his eyes fixed on the newspaper in front of him. “He’s my friend, Jen.”

“But it’s Neil Hargrove.” When she said it, Tommy looked up. Saw his eyes narrow just a little behind those glasses; Those gawkish, plastic rimmed frames that he always wore for his reading. “Didn’t you think about how I’d feel?”

The newspaper came to his knee with a sharp rustle, and an index finger pushed his glasses higher up onto his nose. “You’re right,” he said, and he let out a shallow breath. “I don’t know what I was thinking. You’re my wife. You should have been my first thought and I didn’t even consider it.”

Jennifer tipped her head back slowly against the tub, sinking down a little further into the foamy bathwater. She always had it drawn as hot as she could stand- until the mirrors and the walls were glistening with condensation, and the heat had made her limbs turn heavy. Until her cheeks were pink like a painted doll’s, and her body hovered like a piece of lead.

She had read somewhere a long time ago that there wasn’t much a hot bath couldn’t cure, and whenever she was sick with nerves or so in love that she couldn’t sleep, she would get up and take one. Jennifer was waiting for the water to work its magic on her now- but she wasn’t sure it could cure what she was suffering from. She wasn’t sure it would cure her of Neil Hargrove.

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do.” Tommy got up and came to kneel beside her. Pushed the curly damp tendrils from her brow. “I’ll call him. I’ll give him a call right now and I’ll tell him not to come. I shouldn’t have invited him without speaking to you about it first. He’s my friend but you’re my wife. _That’s_ what’s important.”

“Tommy…” She moved to touch his arm because now she wasn’t sure.

“I told you, didn’t I?” Tommy waited. “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”

Jennifer gnawed at her bottom lip. Her stomach tensed beneath the water.

“No,” she said, and she shook her head until her curls tossed. “I’m not being fair to you. He’s your friend and it’s your birthday. And you _should_ be able to see him if you want to. I’m sorry. I’m overreacting.”

“You’re _not_ overreacting.” Fingers rushed to hold her head still. “I can cancel, Jen. Say the word and I’ll do it. He’s a Hargrove. I don’t know what I was-”

“ _Tommy_ , _don’t_.” Jennifer pushed up to throw her arms around him. Wet his shirt, water splashing over the side. “You’d do anything for me and I’d do the same, right? Wouldn’t I?… It’s just one little dinner. I think I can put up with one measly dinner party if it makes you happy. _Can’t I? For one night?”_

Tommy held her at arm’s length. Still not sure. “I don’t know, Jen…”

“It’s fine,” she promised. “I’ll have you, won’t I?”

“You’ll always have me,” he said.

“Then that’s fine.” She stretched to kiss him, plucking the glasses off his nose and putting them on herself. Scrunched her own nose up because they were too big- until Tommy laughed at her. “I don’t know how you can see in these.”

“I can’t. I just think they make me look smarter.”

“Like Santa Carla’s very own Clark Kent.” She wound herself tighter around him, her hands at the back of his head. “Kiss me, Christopher Reeve.”

Tommy smiled and swept her up. There wasn’t much a hot bath couldn’t cure, but there wasn’t much a hell of a good kiss couldn’t cure either.

—

“The black one has my vote.” Later, Tommy smoked a cigarette on the bed. Watched his wife sway a little in her strappy, low-heeled shoes. Observing her as she stepped out of the blue muslin dress and into the floral black one spread out against the mattress. “Black on you will always have my vote.”

“You’re just saying that ‘cause black’s the only color you’ll ever wear.” Jennifer craned to fasten the zipper under her arm. “What about my hair? Up or down?”

“Pin it up for once. Makes you look older.” Tommy dashed the cigarette into the ashtray. Came to join her by the closet, paneled with mirrors. “I like you in this dress.“ Fingers squeezed at her hips. Pressed so hard that they might have left bruises. “Remember the one you wore when you married me?”

“Didn’t keep it on long did I?” Jennifer smirked at him through the glass and her husband smiled. Tugged the zipper down until his fingers grazed under her ribs. “Tommy…” She squirmed like a schoolgirl. “They’ll be here soon.”

“Killjoy.” He watched her pile her hair up onto her head, teeth gripping hairpins as she worked. Tommy thought about pulling those imperfect curls down again.

“ _There_. How do I look?” She twirled a little on the spot. Black and white chiffon spinning between her legs and getting all twisted when she stopped. The dress was loose and floaty. Perfect for the end of summer. Short butterfly sleeves and ditsy floral print. Hugged the waist just enough to show off her figure.

Tommy stepped in to admire her. “Like a work of art,” he said.

Jennifer rolled her eyes at the comment. “ _Art is a selective re-creation of reality, according to an artist’s metaphysical value judgments_.” She waited for him to smile. “That’s from _The Fountainhead_.” Tommy kept the book by the bedside, and she was proud to be able to quote it by heart.

“Very good.” She liked it when she couldn’t sleep and he would read it to her; her ear pressed against his chest so she could hear the steady rumble of his heart and lungs. “Shall we go downstairs? I think I just heard a car pull up.”

“Tommy, wait.” Jennifer moved to kiss him. “How do I _really_ look?”

“You look like my wife,” he said, and she laughed because she still wasn’t used to it. All those weeks and it still gave her such a thrill to be called his wife.

—

“Who was that on the phone, Jen?” Tommy looked up from the dinner table when she came back in, looking all flushed behind the glow of the flickering candles. She took a seat beside him and began to pick at her food. “Is your friend running late?” He tried to remember what her name was. “Monica?”

“Monica’s not coming.” Jennifer’s voice was grated. “Something came up.”

“Something came up?” He nudged at her arm. “An emergency?”

“A party.” He heard her swallow hard. Tears threatened. “A stupid party.”

“Is this Monica Harford you’re talking about?” Neil Hargrove sat at the opposite end of the table. Smart in a suit and tie and sitting next to his wife, Susan. “The same Monica Harford that went to the end of year dance with your boyfriend?”

“ _Ex_ - _boyfriend_.” Jennifer corrected him. “Your son, if you remember.”

“My son has a wayward streak that can’t be controlled.” Neil tucked into his steak and potatoes, sawing at gristle. “I can only apologize and say I told you so. My son…he reminds me so much of somebody I once knew: Flighty. Never able to commit to anything. Irresponsible. There’s a word for people like that.”

“Not a word we have to use right now, I’m sure.” Susan tread carefully beside her husband. A pale redhead in a slippery lilac blouse. “Plus, we’re not talking about Billy. We’re talking about Monica. She’s the one who’s stood her up.”

“Sounds like a tramp to me.” Neil’s verdict was shamelessly brutal. “Knew it.”

“Some people just shouldn’t be given second chances.” Susan turned to the younger girl with a sympathetic smile. Pretended not to hear her husband. “I think you should talk to her though when you’re not feeling so upset.” She said. “She might have a good reason for deciding not to come. Maybe she was invited to the party first and forgot about it. People _always_ have their reasons.”

“Sometimes those reasons are that they’re callous.” Neil’s eyes slipped warmly to Jennifer across the table, surprising her. “You deserve better than that.”

“Thank you…” She sipped woodenly at her strawberry liqueur, letting it slide down her throat like treacle. “How _is_ Billy?” She dared herself to ask after him, wondering if she really cared for the answer. Of course, she did.

“Still the same old charmer that broke your heart last summer.” Neil sniffed.

“He’s doing well,” Susan said. “He’s been lifeguarding at the beach.”

“Always a strong swimmer.” Jennifer cleared her throat and caught Tommy’s hand beneath the table. Gave it a reassuring squeeze when she remembered he was sitting there beside her. “Enough about the past though. This dinner party couldn’t have been more awkward if we’d tried, could it?”

“It could.” Neil was smirking at her. “I could have brought my son along.”

“How’s your mother, Jennifer?” Susan pressed to change the subject and she blanched at the choice of discussion.

Wondered why everybody was so eager to bring up the past tonight.

“She’s doing well,” she lied. “But things have always been difficult for her.”

“After what happened,” Tommy filled in. No need to explain.

“Oh, of course.” Almost everybody knew about Laura. “Is she getting better?”

“It’s been fifteen years,” he remarked bluntly. “I don’t think she’ll ever get better now. There comes a time when you just have to face facts and accept it.”

“Some people just can’t be fixed.” Neil tutted. “A damned shame.”

“It doesn’t hurt to have hope though,” Jennifer jumped in.

“Of course not.” Tommy was quick to kiss his wife better. “It doesn’t hurt.”

—

“The dinner was lovely.” Susan Hargrove always seemed to talk more when her husband wasn’t around. Took the plate from Jennifer and dried it with the flannel tea cloth. “I don’t think I could have cooked a big meal like that at your age.” She gave a short laugh. “I’m still a little hopeless in the kitchen now.”

“Cooking was always my thing after my dad left.” Jennifer dunked her hands into the sudsy water. Smoked a cigarette at the same time. “I might have cheated a little with the dessert though. Just reheated it in the microwave.”

“Frozen?” Susan watched the girl shake her head. Dark curls bounced.

“My friend made it for me.” White clouds of smoke spun around Jennifer’s head. In the next room, Neil and Tommy were laughing. “ _Darleen_. She runs the diner I work at; She acts like she’s this tough old boot, but she’s soft really.”

“It’s nice that you have a friend,” she said. “A proper friend.”

“It is.” The girl’s eyes slipped to the dishwater and she frowned. “I really _had_ hoped that Monica would come tonight. That we could start again. Start over.”

“Perhaps you still can.” Susan tried. “You should talk to her.”

“She said everything she had to say over the phone.” For a second, Jennifer’s voice wavered. “She’d rather go to some stupid high school party.”

“Wouldn’t _you_ rather go to some stupid high school party?”

“What do you mean?” Jennifer dunked another plate beneath the water. Bent her head so that her hair slipped over her eyes. “Tonight was for Tommy.”

“Yes, it was.” Susan looked over her shoulder at the door. A quick glance to make sure nobody was hovering. “Know what I was doing at your age?”

“Lying on the beach getting wasted?” Jennifer found it hard to imagine.

“Perhaps not.” There was a smile to her voice. “But I was having fun. I wasn’t chained to a kitchen sink washing dinner plates for my husband.”

“But you are now.” The teenager stopped working and let her hands float there in the sink. Fingertips shrunk from the water. “We all do it anyway in the end. So, what difference does it make whether I wait another five years or not?”

“You haven’t even lived yet,” was all Susan said.

“I wasn’t doing _any_ living in that house.” Jennifer snapped out of it and returned to her work. Scrubbed aggressively at the pots and pans. “Stuck there…with my mom. Christ, she wouldn’t let _anybody_ live. It was suffocating.”

“You were lying when you said she was alright, weren’t you?”

“She hasn’t been alright for a long time.” Jennifer puffed angry clouds in the opposite direction. Took another drag of her cigarette. “She used to be. Before Laura. Now she’s just…” Jennifer trailed because the words wouldn’t come. “Now I think she’s just stuck there.”

Susan imagined that for a moment, the girl was stuck too. Frozen, in fact. Seemed to be floating there on the kitchen tiles. Ethereal in her tea dress and strappy shoes- that same distant, faraway look on her face that poor Moira Beaumont often wore when she was reminded of Laura. “Stuck where, dear?”

“On the beach.” Jennifer raised a hand when Neil Hargrove came to hover in the doorway. Fingers pressed to the base of her throat like she was trying to quell something within herself- then let it tear free. “But it’s always 1969.”

—

“Don’t forget your tips.” Darleen hastened to stop Jennifer from leaving without them the next day, taking the crumpled notes and pressing them into her surprised hands at the door. “That’s another thirty dollars for you to put away there... I used to get tips too when I was young and pretty.”

“You’re hardly a dog, Darleen.” Jennifer suspected most of the tips came from the inside of the cash register. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Double shift?”

“Bright and early.” The blonde was already turning to wipe the counter down. “And don’t forget to take those trash bags on your way out.” She gestured to the three refuse sacks sitting by the door. Jennifer bundled them up.

_Her feet hurt._

Her feet always hurt at the end of a long shift; When she’d spent her day waiting tables and steaming milk. Pouring coffee. Sweeping floors. And picking up shredded napkins that people tossed without care or thought under the counter. Sometimes her feet got so hot in her pumps she could hardly walk.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Jennifer stopped dead when she saw the blue Camaro across the street. Bright and glossy in the sunshine, and waxed to a perfect polish because some things never changed. _“What are you doing here, Billy?”_ The boy that leaned against it got up and moved when she did.

“It’s been a long summer, Fi.” He called her Fi. Her old nickname.

“How’d you know I was working here?” Jennifer tossed the trash bags into the dumpster down the side of the street. Grunted with the effort and wiped her hands on her skirt. Clammy all of a sudden. “Who told you? Was it Monica?”

“Susan, actually.” Billy crossed his arms and leaned back against the tall street sign, while Jennifer was left wondering if he was warm under all those layers of denim- blue like his damn car. “I’m here to deliver a medical bill for giving them both food poisoning last night.” 

He was teasing her. Lips quirked up into a smile that he was waiting for her to return. Jennifer’s face stayed slack as she stared at him.

“Susan’s nice. I’ve always liked her.” She wished she’d had longer to talk to her last night before Neil had come in to take her home.

“Susan’s nice like mittens are nice. Nicer than my dad though,” he admitted.

“Yeah, well he’s an asshole.” It wasn’t an excuse but it sounded like one.

“He’s always been an asshole.” Billy scratched at a dirty blonde mullet and let his hand rest sheepishly at the back of his neck. A single drop earring hung from his left ear. “Monica said you weren’t coming back to school, Fi.”

“I’m not.” She hadn’t been called Fi in ages. “I had an old boyfriend who used to call me that.” She almost smiled when she said it but she stopped herself.

“Yeah?” Billy smiled anyway. Handsome and white-toothed. “You like it?”

“No, I don’t.” He smirked when she jutted her chin up. “It’s a stupid nickname,” she said boldly. “How the hell are you supposed to get ‘Fi’ from Jennifer?”

“I guess sandbox nicknames are hard things to kill.” Billy pushed the tip of his tongue to the peak of his upper lip and stared at her. “Can I see it?”

Jennifer shifted uneasily. “See what?”

“The ring.” He’d come closer and swept her hand up before she’d even had time to answer. Heard him whistle slowly through his teeth as she tried not to breathe him in- inhale him. He smelled like cologne. Aramis. He always wore too much of it. “ _Christ_ ,” he said. “I almost didn’t believe it, you know.”

“Well, it’s true.” She tried to pull her fingers free but he held on. “Billy…”

“I would have done anything for you back then.” A hairsprayed curl had fallen down over his forehead as he peered at her left hand. Thumbed at the back of it like he wasn’t thinking. “God, I was so crazy about you. I would have died for you.” A charge of electricity and he let go. “But that was then,” he said.

“After what you did.” Her freed hand felt hot. “What did you expect me to do?”

“Cut your hair? Eat ice cream? Christ, I didn’t think you’d do that.” Billy slipped a pack of Marlboro’s from his pocket. “Didn’t think you’d marry that asshole.”

“Tommy’s not an asshole.” She got defensive when he said that.

“He’s friends with my dad, isn’t he?”

“He’s friends with everyone,” she said. “And besides, _you’re_ one to talk.” She watched him light up with indifference. Puffing white smoke. “Still reigning as King of the School, are you? Students still laying down their coats for you to walk on? Saving you all the best parking spots? Sharing their test answers?”

“I’d share it all with you.” He was shameless about that. “If you came back.”

Jennifer hopped to adjust her shoe. “I can’t come back anymore.”

“Why not? Has he told you not to?”

“Don’t be stupid.” She flashed him the middle finger. Cheeks burning because it only made him smirk harder. “Tommy doesn’t tell me what to do, okay?”

“Those are some pretty obscene finger gestures for a pristine, married girl.” Billy turned his head to exhale slowly through his nose. Tapped glowing ash onto the sidewalk. Squinted. “So your old man lets you have friends then?”

Jennifer bit her tongue at that. Bit hard. “Of course he does.”

“ _And_?” Billy watched her. Hopeful.

_“And what?”_

“Shall we be friends again?”

“Now you really do sound like you’re in the sandbox.” Jennifer laughed at the question and looked away. Dark eyes sliding to the street corner. She wanted to be mad at him like she had been all summer. And she wondered if there was supposed to be an expiration date for these kinds of things; Had always imagined herself shooting him down if he ever tried to talk to her like he was doing now. “Billy, I can’t. I’m married now. Everything’s different.”

“I’m not asking you to marry me, Fi.” Billy seemed to think about putting his hand on her arm and then thought better of it. “I’m asking you to be my friend… _Come on_ ,” he said. “We used to laugh, didn’t we?”

“We did. _But that was then_.” She’d used his own words against him.

“You broke my heart,” he said.

“You broke mine first.”

Billy nodded like he’d deserved that one. 

“Are you in tomorrow?” He gestured to the diner and for a hot second, she thought about lying. “I could stop by again.”

“Don’t you have classes to go to?” She was poking fun at him. Billy Hargrove never went to his classes if he could help it. “Algebra or something?”

“In real life,” he said. “There is no algebra. Missing a class isn’t going to kill me. And besides,” he stepped closer to fill the gap between them. Jennifer smelled hairspray under her nose. Cigarette smoke that she’d missed. “I’ll need to come back for your answer, won’t I?” She’d almost forgotten about that.

His proposition of friendship.

Out of the blue just like he was.

Jennifer stepped back.

“Well,” she said, and it was all she said. “I certainly have a lot to think about.”

—

“Are you coming to bed?” Jennifer rolled onto her side so that the sheets were all twisted around her legs, leaning onto her arm as she watched her husband working in the yellow lamplight. Dim. “No wonder your eyes are so bad.”

“I’m almost finished.” Tommy often worked like this; Worked late into the night until Jennifer was begging him to turn the light off. Begging him to let her slip beneath his arms and rest her head there. “Try and go to sleep, Jen. I won’t be long now.” He almost sounded like her father, she thought.

She half expected him to pat her on the head.

“I can’t sleep when you’ve got the light on.” She was perfectly aware of how childish she sounded when she said it. Nudged at his side anyway when he didn’t move. “Tommy, I can’t sleep unless I’m in total darkness.”

“So close your eyes.” He didn’t look up from his papers. Held them on his knee as he carried on reading. “Can’t see anything if you close your eyes, can you?”

“Yes, you can, actually.” She sniffed and rolled over. Heard him sigh.

“Just a couple more minutes, Jen. Alright?”

“You’re not even gonna tell me what you’re working on, are you?”

“You know I can’t.” Papers shuffled around. “Otherwise, I would.”

“Something top secret then?… And devastatingly controversial?”

“ _If only you knew._ ” This time she caught the smile in his voice. Shifted so he could reach out and feel her hair. “The world isn’t how we’d have you believe.”

“Let me guess.” Jennifer smiled as she turned and curled into him. Fingers clutching at his shirt sleeve. “JFK _really_ _did_ have Marilyn Monroe killed?”

“Don’t tell anyone I told you.” Tommy played along but drew his papers back when she rose up to peer over his shoulder. Held them at arm’s length so she couldn’t see them anymore. “I just told you. You’re not allowed to look.”

“Isn’t that the guy from Moby Dick?” She’d caught a glimpse of it anyway. Tried to tease him by pretending she knew. “What’s the Starbuck programme?”

“It’s nothing.” Tommy pushed at papers. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“So what happens now?” She laughed and smiled coyly into his elbow. Kissed it. “You have to take me in and wipe my brain?” She was startled when Tommy dropped everything and rushed her into the bed. Heard a cry leave her when he held her down, much heavier than she was as he bent those arms back to hold above her head. Tommy made a shallow noise at the back of his throat.

“Now,” he said, nuzzling his forehead into hers. “Now I have to kill you.”

Jennifer’s breath left her when he said that, and something churned dully in her stomach as she struggled up against him. Batted at his chest with her hands until he gave in and let her rise. Rocked back onto his heels with a laugh because he thought she was joking. _“Don’t talk like that.”_

He _was_ joking of course, but something about the way those words were uttered made her sick. Left a taste in her mouth that was all rotten and sour.

Tommy laughed until he saw the flushed look on her face. “What is this? You’re really upset?” He looked on in disbelief. Couldn’t believe it. “I was kidding.”

“Well…” Jennifer blanched and straightened her nightshirt. Pulled it back down over bare thighs where it had risen underneath him. “It came out like you meant it,” she said. “You shouldn’t say things like that. Even if you don’t.”

“You’re kidding, right?” He reached for her but she turned away. Backed up against the headboard because she wasn’t in the mood. “Jenny, come on.”

“Tommy…” Dark eyes pleaded and he saw that her cheeks were wet.

“What’s the matter?”

“I don’t like it when you say things like that.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake, Jennifer.” Tommy snapped it. “Don’t be such a child.”

There was a catch to his voice that made her frown, and she wasn’t sure at first that she’d even heard it right. When she looked at him again, Tommy’s face had softened and he was reaching for her. This time she let him. “You know you’re safe with me. You know I wouldn’t hurt you. You know that, right?”

“Yes.” She clung to his arm. Felt silly and babyish when he rocked her. Just wanted him to treat her like a grownup again so she kissed him, but her mouth was all clumsy and wet. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have looked at your files, okay? I was being stupid...I just wanted you to come to bed.”

“I’m not mad at you.” Tommy thumbed at the corner of her mouth. Dragged the pad over her lower lip. “I shouldn’t have scared you like that. It was my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t.” This time he didn’t correct her. “I’m sorry. Will you kiss me?”

Tommy did. And after that, everything was alright again.

—

"Okay, bucko.” Jennifer slipped into the occupied booth the next day. Whisked the spoon from Billy’s hand just as he was about to take a bite. The cherry pie sat, half-eaten, between them both. “I’ve made up my mind about this whole friendship thing.” The cherry was tart on her tongue when she tasted it. “But I have conditions.”

“Conditions?” Billy tipped back to watch her lick the spoon. It was innocently obscene, but that was just how his mind worked. “Should I be worried?”

“I’m not sure what’s going on with Monica right now.” She went on as if she hadn’t heard his question. Tapped the tabletop. “But I don’t like being stuck in the past, Billy.” _Or not having any friends._

“Nobody does.” She looked nice today with her hair all swept up.

“My mom’s stuck in the past. I don’t want to be like her.”

"You couldn’t be like her if you tried,” he said, and he folded his arms like they were in a real meeting. “What are these ‘conditions’ then?”

“I have two.”

“Only two?”

“ _One_.” Jennifer drew her arm back when he tried to take the spoon. Helped herself to another tangy red mouthful before handing it back to him. “You stop calling me Fi,” she said. “It’s childish and I’m not a child anymore.”

He wanted to laugh at her when she said that.

“Alright,” he said instead. Slipped a napkin across when he saw her looking; Watched her wipe at the ends of her fingers, sticky with pie. Tried not to think about what she’d look like if she brought those fingers to her mouth. “What shall I call you then?”

“Call me Jennifer.”

“And what does _he_ call you?”

She snapped her eyes to him, swallowing down the smile that fought its way out of her. “ _Number two_.” She went on without answering. “You stop with all the smirks and that smoldering thing that you do. You can’t do that anymore.”

“ _What_ smoldering thing?” Billy played none the wiser. Slipped his tongue over the head of the spoon. He looked rugged and sharp in black leather today. A little untucked, never too put together. “Don’t know what you mean.”

He did.

“I think you do.” Jennifer watched him spooning cherries; Red fruit splitting and bursting sweet juice, staining the plate. There was a hesitant pause. Like she wasn’t sure if it was asking too much- what she said next. “Billy?”

“Yes?”

“Will you do something for me?”

“Name it.” He said it with zero hesitation.

“Will you come with me to see Laura?” she asked.

“You mean you haven’t been to see her yet?” He sounded surprised, and the spoon made a sharp scraping sound on the dish. “How long has it been?”

“Too long.” Jennifer wet her lips. Didn’t like to go alone. “Will you come?”

Billy just nodded and thought it was the least he could do.

“Friends then?” he asked.

Jennifer thought it almost sounded illegal when she said it, but she said it anyway. Took the large tanned hand that he offered her and shook it.

“Friends,” she said. “But don’t make me regret it, Hargrove.”

She thought it might be a good thing to have a little blue back in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me. I'm already loving how different Jennifer is when she's around Billy compared to when she's around Tommy. Let me hear your thoughts if you have any. Tumblr is @nottherightseason xoxo


	3. Laura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update! A little bit of a shorter chapter this week but there’s a reason for that. Next couple of chapters will be longer. This part delves a little more into Jennifer’s past and hopefully gives a few answers :D 
> 
> thanks for all the support you guys have given me so far xoxo
> 
> TW: Mention of child abduction/disappearance. Death. Implied PTSD. Gaslighting from Tommy towards the end.

“I hate small towns.” Jennifer pushed back until her shoulders hit leather. Took in the washed-out hairspray and cigarette smell that was Billy’s car. “Nothing ever changes, does it? I’ve been away all summer and it’s exactly the same.”

“This town’s hick.” Billy was smirking as he leaned across to toy with the stereo. “But at least there’s always the beach, right?” He gave her a sidewards glance and quickly looked away again. “Shit,” he said. “I wasn’t even thinking.”

“Billy, it’s fine.” Her fingers trailed for his elbow. “It was fifteen years ago.”

“You still think about it though?” He asked her.

“All the time,” she said.

“Do you remember it?”

“Not so much anymore.” Jennifer let go and nursed the flowers on her knee; A small bouquet of roses. Pink, and wrapped in plastic. Bought from the corner store. “Laura was my sister,” she said. “My _twin_ sister. But I barely remember her anymore. How can you miss someone you can’t even remember? How can you mourn them when you never really knew them in the first place?”

Billy just shrugged. Didn’t bother giving her an answer to a question that had no answer to begin with. “I still think it’s fucked up that you put flowers down.”

She half agreed with that. “That was my dad’s idea. He does it for closure.”

“Even though she might still be out there?”

“She’s not out there, Billy. It’s been a decade and a half.”

He grunted quietly to himself. “It’s like me putting flowers down for my mom.”

“Your mom ran away with some guy at the Amusements.” Jennifer didn’t think they were the same. “My sister got stole away by some creep at the beach.”

“ _Tou-fucking-che_ ,” Billy said. “I’ll give you that.”

The Camaro rolled up outside the cemetery, slipping to a stop beneath the shade of a lone pine tree. Jennifer thumbed at her seatbelt and got out of the car the same time as Billy did. Crossed with him to the ranks of headstones that lined the lawn beyond the gates. White teeth jutting out of the ground.

“Used to come here and get wasted in tenth grade.” Billy pointed to a nearby crypt, crumbling with age. Rotting. “Remember everyone fucking behind the stone angel?” He nudged slyly at Jennifer’s side. “Remember when we-”

“Nothing says teenage rebellion quite like disrespecting the dead.” Jennifer came to a standstill beside a headstone, marked with her grandparent’s names. Her sister’s name was tagged on hurriedly at the bottom. As if it was an afterthought. Jennifer crouched to put the flowers down.

“My mom thinks she’s still alive,” she said, rocking back onto her heels in the dirt. “She’s the only one of us that’s ever truly clung to it and let it stick. _Hope_.”

A bird cawed somewhere in the distance. No cars passed by. 

“Sometimes I have it, and sometimes I don’t,” she continued. “But my mom always has hope. That’s why she drinks.”

“Sure it is.” Behind her, Billy shifted. Slipped his hands into his pockets.

“It’s not her fault, you know.” Jennifer went on as if Billy had disagreed with her. Or as if she had read his mind instead. “She wasn’t always that way. Before it happened, I remember she was happy. She didn’t fight with my dad. She didn’t drink. Hell, she didn’t even smoke, only when she was being sociable.”

Billy just grunted. Took her elbow when she pushed up to stand.

“What are you doing after this?” He asked her.

“Why?” Jennifer was scrunching plastic in her hands.

“Thought we could go to the Crash,” Billy said. “See the guys.”

“ _The Crash?_ ” The Crash was just a garage at the side of the mechanics in town. Owned by somebody’s uncle who let the high school kids do their band practice there for a small fee. Inside, it always smelled like dried skunk. The couches were ratty, the office chairs always had their wheels missing, but Billy and Jennifer had used to go there almost every evening after school together. 

They played a lot of Bon Jovi there.

“I guess it has been a while.” Jennifer smiled wistfully at the thought, then let it fall again. “But I can’t today. I have something I need to do after this.”

“What’s that then? Gotta go home and make dinner for your old man?”

“ _No_.” She was smiling when she took his wrist. Held it up so she could peer at the blinking digits of his watch, noting the time. “It’s only just turned three.”

“So what you’re saying is, we _do_ have time.” She let go of him. Much to Billy’s obvious disappointment, who held the space above his leather sleeve where her fingers had been. “We’ve got lots of time. Heaps of it.”

“No, we haven’t. I’ve got somewhere to be.”

“You’re holding out on me,” he said, and she laughed at him.

"You haven’t even asked me where I’m going.”

“Alright.” Billy stepped closer so she threw her chin up. “Where are you going?”

“To see a boy,” she said.

“To see a boy?” Billy raised his eyebrows without thinking, but she just kept smiling. Twisted her skirt up in her hands and said nothing. “Do I know him?”

“He doesn’t go to your school.”

“No?” Billy put a hand to the back of his head. Scratched it. “So he’s older?”

“Younger, actually.” Jennifer dropped her skirt, creased under her hot hands and backed away. “I’ll take a rain check on your offer,” she said. “But I _will_ let you drive me to the middle school so I can pick up my brother.”

She laughed when she saw the look on his face, and then wavered.

“ _Billy_?” She asked then.

“Yes?” When he caught her eye she was biting her lip. “What is it?”

“Nothing, really.” Jennifer gave him a wistful smile. “I just wish there was a way of knowing we were in the good old days before we actually left them.”

Billy laughed at that. Took a cigarette out and smoked it. 

“So do I,” he said.

\---

“Leo!” Jennifer was waiting for him at the bike sheds. Waved until he noticed, and pushed his way through the throng of middle school kids that were spilling out of the painted red doors. “Long time no see. Did you miss me?”

“I had a feeling you’d come today.” Leo Beaumont tapped his gut. Tall for his age. Thirteen years old. Skinny like a beanpole. Glasses taped white in the middle. “Come to walk me home, sis?”

They fell into step beside each other. “I thought we could take the long way.”

“Across the pier?” Jennifer nodded. “Buy me an ice cream?”

“You’re on,” she said. “So...how was school?”

“You know I can’t wait to leave.” Leo hiked his bag up onto his shoulder. He was unwittingly brief with his answer. “School sucks ass,” he said.

His sister swatted at him for swearing. “It’s not _that_ bad, Leo.”

“It _is_ ,” he said. “It’s full of jerks.”

“The whole world’s full of jerks, so you might as well get used to it.” She laughed and ruffled his hair. Then she grew serious again. “You should study hard,” she said. “Get out of this town. It’s no good for anyone, you know.”

“But why?” Her brother slowed his pace. “ _You_ left. Then you came back.”

“I came back for _you_ ,” she said. “You won’t have to come back for anyone.”

“But what about mom?” He asked.

“What about her?”

“She’d be all by herself without me.”

“That’s not for you to worry about, is it?” Jennifer caught her brother’s hand and swung it. “Besides, she wouldn’t be alone, would she? She’s got me.”

The pier at Santa Carla was mostly shuttered up now that the summer months were over. They managed to buy ice creams and cherry cokes from the few food stands that had remained open. Strolled the boardwalks and circled the Amusements. Now all locked up and gathering dust behind their metal bars.

Hurdy-gurdy music still played faintly as they walked along.

Laughing Sal grinned at them from behind his glass.

Jennifer caught the eyes of the wooden horses, frozen on their twisted gilt rails. The Ferris Wheel was the only ride open that day.

She found herself wishing that she had enough change to ride it; Yearning to stretch out and skim the rooftops of Santa Carla with her fingertips. Touch the blistering sun, and dip her fingers into the ocean to cool. Let the waves crash, cold over her wrists, and wear the sun glare like jewelry.

“I have something for you.” On the walk back home, Jennifer slowed her pace a little. Careful to dodge the cracks on the sunny, tree-lined sidewalk.

“More ice cream?” Leo had yet to finish his. It had dribbled onto his shirt.

“You wish. _Here_.” They’d neared the house so they’d stopped walking, and Jennifer pushed for his hand. “It’s thirty dollars. I’m sorry it isn’t much.”

“Are you kidding?” Her brother was counting bills. “This is huge!”

“Diner tips well.” She slipped her arms out of her cardigan, still in her waitress uniform, and swung them. “I’ll have some more by the end of the month.”

“And that’s what you’re doing now?” They were at the mailbox. “Full time?”

“Not full time,” she said. “Darleen only wants me in three days a week.”

“And what do you do when you’re not working?”

“I…” Jennifer’s arms stopped swinging. “I keep myself busy.”

“I wish you still lived here, Jen,” he said.

“I don’t,” she cut in. Shamelessly blunt about that. “It was hell.”

“So I’d be wasting my breath if I asked you in then?” Her brother looked on hopefully all the same, but Jennifer was already shaking her head.

“I shouldn’t. You know what mom’s like.” She threw a swift and nervous glance back at the house. “And don’t tell her I gave you that money,” she tagged on. “She’ll only spend it on drink, so keep it hidden. Somewhere she won’t find it.”

“I’ll put it in my sock drawer,” Leo said, and she punched at his arm.

“Don’t be stupid. Everybody looks in the sock drawer.”

Jennifer went quiet as she thought about it. Then felt fondly for his cheek.

“Put it in Laura’s room,” she said, at last, her hand slipping decidedly to her side. “Mom never goes in there anymore. So put it in Laura’s room.”

—-

“You seem happy about something.” Tommy observed her in the kitchen later that evening. Slipped by her to lean against the counter. Watched his wife rinsing and chopping tomatoes for dinner. “You’re smiling,” he said.

 _“I am?_ ” Jennifer glanced at him through her hair. Hadn’t noticed. Looked back.

“You are.” Tommy was smiling too. Stood there in his glasses and white shirtsleeves. “Are you going to tell me what’s got you in such a good mood?” He asked, rolling casually onto an elbow. “Or do I have to guess?”

Jennifer didn’t say anything. Busied herself with dicing the red fruit and tossing it into the salad bowl. Reached for the chives and started chopping them too.

“You like Cobb salad, right?” She gestured lightly with her knife.

“Have we won the lottery or something?” Tommy wasn’t letting it drop. Stole a tomato from the bowl and pushed it to her mouth. Made her laugh, so he came up behind her and kissed her. “Come on,” he said. “What’s the secret?”

“What makes you so sure I’ve got a secret?”

“Because you’re smiling to yourself like you’ve got one.”

“I don’t _have_ a secret.” She tipped her head back against her husband’s shoulder and let him kiss her jaw. “I guess I just had a good day, that’s all.”

“You’re a waitress in a diner.” Tommy pawed at her. “How good can it be?”

“I went to see Laura,” she said simply, and he stopped.

“You went to see Laura? _By yourself_?”

She resumed her chopping. Wasn’t sure why she lied about it.

“Yes,” she said, answering slowly. “By myself.”

“That’s...not like you.” Tommy stared at her all pensive. Kept his hands on her waist. “And _that’s_ what’s put you in a good mood? Going to the cemetery?”

“I went to see my brother too,” she tagged on with a laugh. Threw chicken and avocado into the bowl and mixed it. “He hates school even more than he did last year if that’s possible. But he seems happy enough. He’s got his friends.”

“Every kid hates school,” Tommy shrugged. “I know _I_ did.”

“Well, I didn’t.” Jennifer didn’t look at him as they wandered through into the dining room. Took their seats and began plating up. “I was a cheerleader.”

“And a pretty one too, I’ll bet.” Tommy threw her a wink across the table and then grew serious. Studied her as she began to eat. Watched her picking listlessly. “Listen, Jen. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

“Sounds ominous,” she said, only joking.

“Not at all.”

He’d piqued her curiosity so she stopped and stared. He’d taken off his glasses and was pinching at the bridge of his nose. The whole thing suddenly seemed to remind her of being at a parent-teacher conference; The way he was sitting so authoritatively. The way he stared her down across the table.

“I’ve been thinking about your little scene the other night,” he began, stabbing at a piece of cold chicken and chewing it with thought. “When you started crying, remember? After you were teasing me about my work?”

“You mean when you threatened to kill me?” Jennifer shrank a little when he looked up. Snapped her eyes to the wall above his head and didn't speak.

“You make it sound so dramatic,” Tommy scoffed. “It was only a joke.”

“And I thought we’d moved on from this.” She didn’t understand why he was suddenly bringing it all up again. What he was even hoping to gain from it.

“Still,” Tommy resumed his eating. He motioned for her to do the same, but Jennifer wasn’t hungry anymore. “I want you to speak to my father about it.”

“You’re shitting me, right?” Jennifer grew warm. “You told him about that?”

“It got me worried.” Tommy offered her more salad but she refused it.

“I didn’t think we were telling our parents everything that went on in the bedroom,” she said, trailing off when she saw his face. “It was dealt with.”

“You make it sound like it’s a sex thing,” he laughed. “It’s _not_ a sex thing.”

“Of course it is.” She could feel herself gradually growing warmer. Sweating. ”You pin your wife down in bed, and you automatically make it a sex thing.”

“You don’t have to sound so Freudian,” he shot back quickly, pushing his plate to one side because neither of them was eating now. “I just think talking to my father will do you some good,” he tried. “You trust him, don’t you? He’s a friend of your family. He’s always been around. You should let him help you.”

“But Fox isn’t even that kind of doctor,” she tried, growing desperate.

 _“I could send you to a real shrink if you’d like._ ” It sounded like a threat but Tommy was smiling as he said it. Smiling at her the way people smiled at children when they wanted them to be amenable. “My father’s a good doctor,” he began again. Softer this time. “And he just wants to talk to you about it.”

“He wants to psychoanalyze me, you mean?”

“He wants to _understand_ you,” Tommy corrected her calmly. “I know you’ve been having nightmares.” Jennifer’s fork slipped out of her hand when he said that. It tumbled onto her knee and landed on the carpeted floor. Neither of them moved to pick it up. “I can you hear you crying out in your sleep,” he said.

Her dark eyes slid solemnly to the table. “Lots of people have nightmares.”

“Not every night they don’t.”

“But it isn’t every night,” she protested, feeling silly. 

“Jennifer, I don’t want to argue with you.”

“You sound like you’re my dad.” 

She wanted to laugh at him. 

Tommy sighed at that and pushed back his chair. She thought he was going to get up and leave but instead, he came over to kneel beside her. Knelt there on the jacquard rug as he pressed into her side. “I want you to do this for me,” he said gently. “It’s just a little chat, okay? It doesn’t have to be anything serious.”

“But why do I have to talk to him?” She pleaded. “Why can’t I talk to you?”

“You _know_ you can tell me anything,” he said seriously. “I’m your husband. And who else cares for you more than I do?” A laugh and Tommy was feeling for her hand. Thumbing at the back of it with his free hand on her knee. “I was worried about you when you got all upset,” he said. “You know that, right?”

She supposed it was nice to be worried about. 

She stared flatly at his hand on her skirt. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Of course I don’t.” Tommy’s hand squeezed at her knee. “Now. Smile for me.”

Defeated, Jennifer managed a small smile and Tommy went back to his meal. 


	4. Miss Santa Carla

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this finds you all well :) Longer chapters from here on in. Not much Billy in this one but we’ll soon see plenty of him once we get into the swing of things. Excited to get the ball rolling!
> 
> TW: Hints towards domestic violence in this chapter (not Jennifer). Death is discussed. Light mention of alcoholism. Sexual references towards the end.

“I need a big favor, Darleen.” Jennifer tied her apron then swept her curls up. Piled them high and pinned them with the bobby pins she kept in her purse. “Lunchtime,” she said. “I’ll need the whole hour. Is that okay?”

“What’s the special occasion?” The blonde diner owner stood beside her at the counter. Poured coffee from a steaming percolator.

“No occasion.” She was all flushed today on account of it being hot as hell outside. Cheeks like puffs of cotton candy. “I just...have an appointment.”

“A doctor’s appointment?” Darleen stopped pouring and looked up.

“It’s nothing to worry about.” Jennifer’s cheeks grew pinker when the woman stared. “There’s just something I need to take care of, that’s all.”

“ _Something she needs to take care of..._ ” Darleen laughed through her nose and resumed her pouring. “You’re a mystery, Miss Lewinsky. You know that?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jennifer just smiled.

“Just that you’re a funny one, that’s all. Always seem to be talking plenty but never giving anything away; Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. There are plenty of people in this world who are quite happy to go about washing their dirty laundry in public...You’re just a little mysterious to me.”

“This is God’s honest truth, Darleen.” Jennifer lolled against the countertop. Pushed up onto her elbows. “I’m not half as interesting as you think I am.”

“Well, if only that were true.” Darleen turned to slip the coffee pot into the waitress’s expectant hand. Held on. Didn’t let go straight away. “I let you have your hour for lunch,” she said. “ _If_...you do this one very small thing for me.”

“ _Which is_?” The two women looked up when Billy Hargrove walked in. Leather-clad. Took a seat at a nearby booth. Jennifer pretended not to have seen him.

“Sign up for the pageant.” Darleen tapped at the enrollment sheet taped to the counter with glossy nails. “That thing’s been up for two days,” she huffed. “I’m supposed to be a judge. Nobody’s even put a damn name to it yet.”

“Maybe there’s a reason for that.” Jennifer’s head turned to squint at the flyer. “Miss Santa Carla.” She read aloud. “Christ, I think my mom won this.”

“Moira Beaumont?” Darleen nodded because she knew. “1958. It’s a sign.”

“A sign saying what? That feminism hasn’t moved on for the last thirty years?”

“What’s feminism got to do with it?” Darleen took a pen and scribbled the girl’s name down. “It’s tradition. All the high school girls enter in their senior year.”

“Well...” Jennifer clicked her tongue at that. “I’m not in high school anymore.”

“Perhaps not,” Darleen said. “But it’ll do you good to be friends with the ones that are.” Then she smiled and leaned in close. “Speaking of...Who’s the blond adonis over there? He hasn’t stopped staring at you since he walked in.”

“I don’t think he’s staring _at_ me,” Jennifer said. “He probably wants service.”

“Sure, sure.” Darleen was smirking as she nudged at her side. Prodded her until they’d come full circle around the counter. “And isn’t that the same boy you were sharing a cherry pie with last week? Come on. What’s his name?”

Jennifer just smiled. “It’s all about the mystery, right? Isn’t that what you said?”

“ _Isn’t that what who said_?” Billy sat up straighter in the booth when she neared his table. Watched her swaying there with her coffee pot and notepad. Dashed his cigarette out to lean close. “Talking about me, Fi?”

Flushed lips pressed together to suppress a smile. “Eavesdropping much?”

“Couldn’t help it,” he said. “Tell me...How are the pancakes in this place?”

“Best you ever tasted.” She was smiling as she wrote it down. “How many?”

“Enough for three people.” He wet his lips when her eyes snapped up.

“Big appetite,” she said.

“Funny.” He rolled his eyes and pushed back. “But no. Dad and Susan are supposed to be meeting me here for breakfast,” he said. “And I already know they’re gonna chew me up for skipping classes or some other bullshit.”

“I was wondering about that.” Jennifer shifted closer to the booth. “Don’t you have a pop quiz to be doing right now?” She pushed one knee into the red plastic seat as if she was trying to get nearer. Nearer still. “Do you even go to school anymore?”.

“I go to school.” Billy’s eyes slipped down to the pink skirted knee that rested there so close to his own. Peeked the band of her stockings. “What about you?” He asked. “Are you ever not in here? Are you ever not working?”

“Not working on Friday.” She smiled and tapped her notepad. Touched her mouth with the end of her pen. “I’ve got the whole damn day off.”

“Aren’t you lucky?” Billy stirred to bring his knee closer. “Maybe I’ll stop by.”

“At the house?” Her knee quickly withdrew. “Why would you do that?”

“House tour.” He shrugged. Pretended not to have noticed. “Never been inside a house on 44th Street,” he said. “I imagine everything’s made of gold.”

“You wouldn’t be far off.” Jennifer’s knee returned. “Don’t park on the street.”

“Why not?”

“Because. The neighbors. They like to talk.”

Billy laughed at that. Real and unpretentious. Took him a moment or two to recover and regain his composure. “Why?” He asked, and Jennifer swore that his voice had lowered several octaves. “What do you think they would say?”

She only inhaled at his question. Couldn’t speak. Didn’t even try to.

Then.

“You better go.” Billy’s eyes slid behind her to the restaurant door when it swung open, and Neil and Susan walked in. “I guess I’ll see you another time, alright?” He was already turning away and twisting to the window.

Jennifer didn’t need to be told twice.

She understood. She understood completely.

“Another time,” she said, and she slipped by him noiselessly to the counter.

“She looks like a movie star.” Darleen hovered when Neil and Susan sat down. Leaned close to talk into Jennifer’s ear. “Doesn’t she look like Tippi Hedren?”

She did, actually. Jennifer caught a splash of copper under a lily green scarf. Black oval shades concealing most of Susan Hargrove’s pale, powdered face.

She tried to smile and wave at her. But she wasn’t looking. Head down.

“She looks sad.” Darleen observed. “Don’t you think so?”

“It’s hard to tell.” Jennifer’s hands shook as she punched in Billy’s order.

Susan was transparent. Incognito. Hiding there behind her husband.

And Jennifer thought she knew why.

Something burned at the back of her throat. Stung like vomit.

“Anyone would be sad married to a man like that.” Jennifer lowered her voice but it was shaking as she hissed it. “Anyone in their right mind would be.”

"You say that like you know something.” Darleen followed close behind.

“I don’t know anything. Not for sure. Just rumors. Nothing that sticks.”

Darleen motioned to the kitchen as if suggesting they go in and talk.

“It doesn’t matter.” Jennifer’s head spun with the sight of that pale green scarf. Clouded lenses that concealed white flesh. Mottled probably behind those plastic frames. Beneath the white powder. Too heavy for a day like today.

Jennifer glanced up and caught Billy staring. Looked away again because he knew she knew. “It’s never done me any good to speculate,” she said.

She’d paid the price for that long ago.

\---

“My son tells me you’ve been having nightmares.” Fox Lewinsky examined Jennifer over his notes. Wrote something down before she’d even had time to answer him. “Is it very difficult for you to talk about?”

A gleam of sympathy welled up from behind his eyes. Dark and deep-set like Tommy’s were.

Jennifer just squirmed there in her leather seat.

“Not very difficult, Doctor. I’ve just never talked about it before.”

A sharp tone followed. “Don’t call me ‘doctor’. Call me Fox, like you usually do."

“Sorry.” She pressed her lips together until they disappeared. Grew warm because he was watching her so intently behind his desk. Thought about laughing maybe, if only to break the tension.

“Something funny, Jennifer?” He raised his eyebrows when he caught her smirking. His head bobbing as he scribbled something down. “Talk to me.”

“It’s nothing. I was just thinking about something Tommy said to me last night.”

“Which was?” Fox’s pen was poised over his paper. Waiting.

“That he could send me to a real shrink if I wanted him to.” Jennifer was still laughing as she pushed back. Felt around in her pocket for her cigarettes and lighter. “But you _are_ a real shrink,” she said. “Aren’t you?”

“I’m also your father-in-law.” Fox slid the ashtray closer to the edge of the desk when she lit up. Steepled his hands on his chin. “And one of your mother’s oldest friends,” he said. “I hope you can see me as more than just your doctor.”

“Of course.” Jennifer remembered the summers of her childhood spent up at the lakehouse. Climbing trees. Swimming lengths. Racing down the jetty and trying to keep up with Tommy. Older and faster, and stronger than she was.

No summers to be spent on the beach anymore. Not after what happened.

“You’re the only one that’s ever stuck by my mom,” she said. “Even when she got sick. Even when my dad left. And when the neighbors stopped bringing flowers and the calls stopped coming in. You stayed with her. You never left.”

“People who care don’t leave.” The man only nodded. “They stay. Always.”

“And I can’t tell you how grateful we are for it.”

“It’s nothing.” Fox swept her gratitude away with the wave of a hand. Looked pleased to be complimented all the same. Beaming a little. Glowing inside his dark, pinstriped suit. “I can help you too if you’d let me,” he said.

“As my doctor?” Her eyes slid to him over her cigarette. “Or, as my family?”

“Both,” he said. Wrote something down. “Is your health good otherwise?”

“Apart from the nightmares, you mean?” Jennifer nodded coolly. “Yes. Good.”

“And there’s been no sudden changes in your weight?”

“Not that I’ve noticed,” she said.

Jennifer wiped her hands on her uniform skirt. Slick, and sticky and pink.  
She thought about the lollipops Fox used to give her as a child. How messy they’d be on her cheeks and hands. Sucking on them until they were small enough to chew. Crunching because she didn’t have the patience to finish.

“Any fainting?” He asked her. “Stomach pains? Nausea?”

Jennifer answered in the negative. Tapped glowing ash into the tray.

“And are your periods still regular?”

“Like clockwork,” Jennifer said.

“And you’re still trying for a baby?”

There was a noticeable pause. Jennifer pressed her lips together so Fox looked up. Put his pen down. Something swirled and fluttered in her belly.

“Yes.” She admitted at last. “Tommy still wants a baby.”

“Then everything seems to be normal.” Fox stood up. Hovered there behind his desk. “How long would you say you’ve been having these nightmares?”

“Thirteen years?” It was a guess. “As long as I can remember, really.”

“Thirteen years is a long time.” The doctor’s tone didn’t change. Not even a little. “And what happens in these dreams? Can you tell me about them?”

“I see-” A headache had started so Jennifer pushed it away. Massaged her fingers into her temples. Too hot in this damn office. “I see...pictures.”

“ _Pictures_?” The older man cocked his head. “What kind of pictures?”

“You’ll think I’m being silly,” she said.

“No, I won’t.” Fox circled the desk and perched on the end of it. Waited.

Jennifer puffed on her cigarette before looking up.

“Have you ever seen a mourning photograph, doctor?”

Fox’s fingers twitched to his chin. “I have. Can you tell me about them?”

“They’re just photographs,” she said. “Dead people. Fixed up and posed as if they were alive: Sitting in chairs. Sleeping in their beds. Propped up between their family members or their pets.” Jennifer watched the end of her cigarette burn. Tasted metal. “I saw a whole book of them once,” she admitted. “They dated right back to the Civil War. They were that creepy, black and white tintype photograph,” she said. “Scared me half to death when I saw them.”

“Don’t you think they’re sort of beautiful in a way?”

She shook her head at him. Smiled. “I know they’re supposed to honor the dead,” she told him. “But it just seems to me like they’re trapped in there. Stuck and they can’t ever get out. Because when people die, we bury their bodies and we never see them again. We say that they’ve gone away someplace else. To heaven, or somewhere better at least. And because we never see them we can almost believe it. But these people. They’re always there. They’re always stuck in their photographs. And they’ll always be there no matter what.”

“And this is what you dream about?” Fox pushed up from the desk to pace the room. Came to stand behind Jennifer’s chair. She felt the hairs go up on the back of her neck the way it always did when somebody came up behind her.

Leaned in close to fill that space.

“I dream about Laura,” she said. Half turned her head a little to see him. “It’s _always_ Laura. It’s always Laura in the photographs. Propped up and made to look like she’s smiling. Some silly pink flowers pressed into her hands.”

She thought of the waxy skin and the empty stare.

Poised and pretty like a doll.

“That’s...” Fox waited a beat. “A little concerning.”

He’d reacted exactly as she’d thought he would.

She waited for him to sigh.

“And do you have these dreams every night, Jennifer?”

“Most of the time,” she said. “Yes, I do.”

“And would you like them to stop?”

An unusual question. Jennifer peeked at him over her shoulder and he only continued to stare down. Pressed his hands into the back of her chair.

“ _Can_ you stop them?” She sounded small and uncertain. Hated it.

“I can certainly try.” Her father-in-law moved to stand in front of her again. Took her chin and tipped it until she met his gaze. “But I’d like to see you again all the same,” he said. “Prescribe you something for your dreams. Diazepam maybe. Something that’ll keep you calm at night. And then perhaps we can continue these little sessions. Talk together. About whatever you like.”

“About Laura, you mean?” It was only supposed to be a one-time thing.

“Only if you want to,” he said.

There was a beat and Fox came closer.

“Do you know,” he smiled. “You’ve always been my favorite daughter-in-law.”

Jennifer laughed at that. Her eyes dropping to the floor. “I’m your _only_ daughter-in-law,” she said, and the man laughed too and chucked her chin.

“That’s why you’re my favorite.” He beamed at her. “Happy?”

“Happy,” she said. And Fox slipped a bright red lollipop from his jacket pocket and pushed it jovially into her hands. It was just like old times, she thought.

\---

Cherry red wine was what her mother drank when she was tired of the world she thought so blue. When the headaches pulsed and wouldn’t fade no matter how many pills she took. No matter how many times she pushed at it to go.

Jennifer slipped the glass from her mother’s drunken hands and set it behind her on the coffee table. Moira Beaumont stirred but did not wake. Dreamed of nothing on the living room couch. Didn’t feel the kiss her daughter gave her.

“It has to be in here somewhere.” Leo’s voice pulled his sister’s attention from the sleeping woman, and she came to rejoin him on the floor. Photos spilled from a dusty cardboard box. “It has to be in here. I’m sure of it.”

“When was the last time you saw it?” Jennifer held up a baby picture and smiled. Earned a shove in the shoulder from her embarrassed brother. “Maybe dad took it with him,” she said. “He took a lot of stuff, didn’t he?”

“Dad only took the stuff he could sell.” Leo’s eyes slid to the empty spot where the TV had been. To the empty space on the bookshelf where the stereo had sat. “He wouldn’t take a box of old photos, would he? Can’t sell those.”

“I guess not.” Jennifer blew dust from the case of a battered videotape. Found tucked beneath a packet of glossy negatives. Wiped the surface clean on her skirt and nursed it on her knee. “Mind if I borrow this thing? See what’s on it?”

“Be my guest. Not like we’ve got anything to watch it on anymore.” The boy pushed his glasses higher onto his nose and resumed his search. Sniggered. “I can’t believe you’ve entered some soppy beauty pageant,” he said. “I mean, what’s next? Cheerleading again? Trying out for cheer captain or something?”

“Don’t be a dick.” Jennifer smiled to herself all the same. “I’m doing it for Darleen. She’s judging.” Fingers scrabbled at a glossy polaroid sitting at the bottom of the box. She snatched it up. “Here, see? I told you we’d find it.”

“Is that really her?” The siblings gathered closer to peer at the photo. A smiling young woman in a gossamer skirt. Full like the head of a flower. Candy pink like the outer shell of a sugared almond. “She looks so different, doesn’t she?”

“Yes.” Jennifer was moved, tracing the outline of the silver crown perched on the woman’s head. Where dark curls tumbled down. Spilled to her waist and swung there. “But it _is_ her, Leo. It’s Miss Santa Carla. It’s _mom_.”

“That’s why you’re doing this, isn’t it?” Leo crawled to his mother on the couch. Knelt there. Pushed the blanket higher up onto her shoulders. “You’re not doing it for Darleen,” he said. “You’re doing it for mom, aren’t you?”

Jennifer saw no use in denying it. Not when Leo could read her like a book anyway. Read her very thoughts. “I just want her to be proud of me.”

“She _is_ proud of you.” The sentiment made her smile.

“No, she isn’t. She’s never been proud of me in her life.”

“Well, what about when you won first prize at the science fair?”

She laughed at that. “That was in fifth grade.”

“Still counts. What about when you had that essay published in the paper?”

“The _school_ paper.” She corrected him. “You and mom must have been the only ones that actually read it.” Jennifer smiled and tucked the picture into the sleeve of the videotape. Grew grave again. “She can’t help it,” she said. “But no matter what I do, she’ll always compare me to her.”

“Compare you to who?” The answer was already debilitatingly obvious.

“To Laura. She’ll always compare me to Laura.”

“That’s not true.” Leo touched her arm.

“It is too. Laura would have done it better than me.”

“Done what better?”

“Lived. Existed.” A sigh hitched and caught in her throat. Came to nothing because she didn’t exhale. “Laura wouldn’t have dropped out of high school, would she? Laura wouldn’t have married the first guy that made her smile.”

“You’re not regretting that?” Her brother looked concerned so Jennifer laughed and turned away. Shook her head until her curls bounced. Stared at the door.

“Tommy loves me,” she said. “I love him too, or I wouldn’t have married him.”

“But...?” The question that came next hovered thickly in the air. “Jennifer?”

“ _But nothing, Leo_.” She actually snapped that last part. “This isn’t about that.”

A meager but terrible silence followed afterward. Jennifer was already sorry.

“I’m a jerk.” She admitted, glancing up and laughing when she saw her brother nodding eagerly in agreement. “I don’t mean to be,” she said. “I just get so frustrated, that’s all. Can’t help having this awful feeling that I’ve got myself into something I won’t be able to get myself out of. You know what I mean?”

“Marriage isn’t permanent,” Leo quipped. “Anyone could tell you that.”

“That’s not what I meant.” She wasn’t sure _what_ she meant. Couldn’t quite gather the right words together. “I don’t want to divorce him,” she said. “I love him. He makes me happy. He makes me feel safe...He takes care of me.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Leo leaned in to watch her face. Reading her.

"I don’t know...” She could only shrug. “But Tommy’s awfully safe, don’t you think?” She even thought he might be a little _too_ safe.

\---

Later that night. Soap-suds frothed at Jennifer’s elbows. The steaming dishwater sloshing as she soaped up the soiled plates from dinner.

They’d had meatloaf and peach cobbler tonight.

Her cooking was beginning to improve.

A stir of movement at her back told her that Tommy was in the doorway.

“I won’t be long.” Jennifer sighed it out before he’d even said anything. Stacked a plate onto the draining board and let the bubbles settle. “I’m almost done.”

“I told you not to bother with them,” Tommy said. “I told you they can wait.”

“It’ll only take a minute.” She heard him come up behind her. Her voice hitching when he pressed her into the sink. “I’d rather just get it done and then it’s-”

“I’ve got a surprise for you.” Her husband’s voice burned in her ear. Cut her off.

“Is it diamonds?” Jennifer glowed when he laughed into her hair.

“It’s not diamonds, I’m afraid. But I think you’ll like it anyway.”

“A kitten, then?” She was playing with him. “A puppy, maybe?”

“You’re going to be seriously unimpressed if you keep trying to guess.” Tommy reached around her for the tea cloth. Dried her hands. Swept the fuzzy flannel over her soapy knuckles. “Just a little something after the week you’ve had.”

“After the week I’ve had?” Jennifer giggled. “It’s only Thursday.”

“And you’ve been busy. All those shifts. Your session with my father. This beauty pageant thing that you’ve insisted on signing up for-”

She turned her head to see him. Her temple against his nose. “I’m happy.”

“I know you are.” Her husband whispered it. “I can tell that you are.”

A slow sigh left Jennifer when Tommy kissed her then. Her dark head bent back against his arm. He was holding her so gently. Kissing her like she was the prettiest and most loveliest thing he’d ever seen in his life.

“Come with me.” Tommy took her by the hand and they went into the living room. There was a white carton sitting there on the couch. Smooth when Tommy pushed it into her hands and bade her open it. “You like red, right?”

It was negligee. Or lingerie perhaps, because Jennifer wasn’t sure she knew the difference; A floor-length, wine-red chemise. Slippery when it unfurled and spilled into her hands. A little cold and stiff from being in its box.

“You were wearing that exact color when I saw you that night at the Slow Club.” A smile from Tommy and the chemise was in his hands. “You wandered in, looking like you were one of the acts; Red velvet. Silver stars in your hair. All pretty under those fluorescent lights. Made me fall in love with you that night.”

“I was crying.” Jennifer let him undo her blouse. “You made me smile.”

“You’re a pretty crier.” Tommy’s fingers tugged at buttons. Plucked at them until they came loose. “But you’re even prettier when you smile, you know.”

The blouse was shed and dropped to the floor. Jennifer stepped closer to him because they were directly in front of the window. Her arms went up straightaway when he gestured. And the silky satin went over her head.

Jennifer’s arms fell back to her sides. Her heart pounded beneath her slip.

Tommy drank her in, then kissed her sweetly. One hand on her chin to keep her still. He tasted like the wine they’d been drinking at dinner. The peaches and the fresh cream. Smelled faintly of the Parliaments they both smoked.

Jennifer sighed his name, her fingers feeling blindly for his collar. She gave it a tug when she grasped it. Pulled at the black tie around his neck, slightly loose because he was only in his shirtsleeves. The tie came free and she tossed it over his shoulder. Let it land carelessly behind him on the couch.

“We should probably get out of the way of the window.” Jennifer stepped back onto the rug and Tommy followed. Backed away into the hall and then onto the stairs. Lips colliding again when they fell against the banisters. Tumbling.

“Can’t do it here, Jen.” Tommy’s hands came up to hers when they fumbled for his belt. Pushed them up around his neck instead. Came down to kiss her jaw and throat. Made her whine. “Upstairs, okay? We’re almost there.”

“But it’s so far.” Jennifer grunted when Tommy pulled her up anyway. Kept her lips on his all the same as they scaled the staircase. Collapsed together there on the landing, just inches from the bedroom door. 

An impatient sigh left her lips when he fell on top of her, bearing his weight down. Legs came up to wrap around his waist and keep him there.

“Keep it on, okay?” Tommy stopped her when she tried to arch up and wriggle out of the slip. Pressed her hands still into the carpet. Kissed her because she was blushing. “You’re supposed to keep it on. Didn’t you know that?”

“That sounds messy...” Jennifer breathed hard beneath him. Kissed the insides of his wrists when his hands came up to rest beside her head. Watched him looming over her. Shirt half undone. Belt unbuckled where she’d grabbed it.

Tommy didn’t laugh at the joke but came down to kiss her again. Turned his lips against the side of her cheek. Panted hot air into her ear. His belt clicking slightly as he fumbled between their bodies, nudging her thighs apart.

“You alright?” Tommy’s head lifted when he filled her. Looked with concern upon her face when he heard the slow, breathy whine she’d made. “Jen?”

“I’m alright.” To his relief, she was smiling. Her head tipped back into the carpet. Her eyes closed as she teetered. Fell. Grabbed for him. Clung to him for safety. “Just don’t stop, okay? Just- promise me you won’t stop.”

“I won’t stop.” Red satin spilled to her naval when he began to fuck her. Fucked her right there into the carpet, a laughable five or so feet from the bed in the next room. Inches from the staircase. Mere steps away from the bathroom.

Jennifer yelled his name. Never one to be shy about making a noise. Liked it when he grunted and groaned in her ear too. Swore shamelessly. Moaned a multitude of things. Hiked her legs higher around him. Pushed her knees up.

“Tommy, I swear to God...”

Teeth gritted when her hair was pulled. Fingers scrabbling for his shoulder blades and digging in. Clenching. Fisting around cotton. She thought about telling him how good he was. How much she liked it when he fucked her like that. How much her toes curled when he grabbed her head to hold her still.

She opened her mouth but the words wouldn’t come. 

Suddenly, her mind was on Billy. She tried to push him out because he wasn’t supposed to be there. Wasn’t supposed to be thinking of him while she was doing a thing like this. Not while she was tangled up in her husband’s limbs. 

Jennifer found herself thinking of him anyway. Wondered if he’d visit her tomorrow like he’d said he would. If he’d stop by with that devilish grin to lean against her doorstep. Smelling like leather. Smelling like Aramis. 

_She wondered what the neighbors would say._

“Did you say something?” Tommy raised his head from her shoulder. Cocked it at her when she said nothing. Turned her face away. “I don’t think I can hold on,” he said, nuzzling at her hair. “Are you ready? Have you finished?”

Jennifer had gone quiet. Nodded her head because she couldn’t come.

Not anymore. 

“Christ.” Tommy gripped her thighs and spilled into her. Earned a very small, sharp gasp from Jennifer when he drove himself deep. Then hovered and stayed there. Caught his breath while he rested above her. “You alright?”

She nodded and Tommy rocked back. Tipped breathlessly onto his heels.

Suddenly, all she could think about was what she wasn’t supposed to be thinking about. Suddenly, she couldn’t get it out of her mind. 

“Would you ever hit me?” Jennifer rose to her elbows and Tommy looked up, surprised. Fixing his belt as he stared at her.

“What’d you say?” He was still trying to catch his breath. “What?”

“ _I said, would you hit me_?” Hands moved between her knees to pull the nightie back down. A grimace following because she could feel where he had been. That slickness that he always left behind. Staining her thighs. Staining her insides. Jennifer thought of dogs pissing against trees. “Neil hits Susan,” she said. “Did you know that? I saw her all covered up in the diner the other day.”

Tommy only stared at her. Didn’t deny it or try to argue. 

“Neil Hargrove’s always been an old-fashioned man.” 

“Is that what you call him?” Jennifer drew up her knees. Thighs sore. Aching.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Tommy leaned close for a kiss so she turned her cheek to him. Felt his hands digging into her hips.

He took her chin and made her look at him. Held her there.

“I don’t know where this has come from...” He answered her slowly. “But I’d never raise a damn hand to you, alright?” Tommy kissed her there on the corner of her mouth and this time she let him. Stayed there against the wall. “I happen to be madly in love with you,” he said. “If that’s not already obvious.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) Stay and chat if you have the time xoxo


	5. Fidelio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As you’ve probably guessed from the chapter title, the idea or the theme of infidelity runs deep here. That’s obviously something that’s going to be touched on a lot more as the story progresses, so just be made aware of that if you’re not comfortable reading that kind of storyline. :)
> 
> New update as promised though. Billy being a shameless horndog, and Jennifer struggling to take autonomy over her own body. 
> 
> TW: Some sexual references. Very slight drug use.

Jennifer woke to a dull, metallic ache deep down in her belly, and a thin shaving of orange rust all over her tongue. In the bed beneath her, a penny-sized spot of dark red. A stain on the brand new sheets. 

“We’ll keep trying.” Tommy followed her into the bathroom and lounged there in the doorway. Prattled on while she tore open a box of tampons and pushed one inside. “It’s not the end of the world, okay? It’ll happen. I know it will.”

“It _is_ the end of the world.” Jennifer tossed the applicator into the trash and turned to wash her hands. “At least, it is for the next four days or so. Men will never understand, but the world stops spinning when you get your period.”

“I’m sure that’d be true.” He grunted. “If you were bleeding out of your eyes.”

_“Yes. Because bleeding between your legs isn’t alarming at all...”_

“You’re upset.” Her husband followed her back into the bedroom. Stood there as she began stripping the sheets. “You’re upset because it didn’t happen this month.” A pile of laundry was promptly tossed just inches from where he was standing. Jennifer just sighed because it had soaked into the mattress too.

“I’m not upset, Tommy. I just wish it didn’t have to happen, that’s all.”

“Getting your period?” He frowned behind her. “Or getting pregnant?”

Jennifer ached to turn around and say both. Lied. “Getting my period.”

“Then maybe we should be trying more.” Tommy came to the bed and his arms encircled her. Palmed at her stomach where the ache was. Dulled it with the warmth of his hands. “Every other day, at least. What do you think?”

Jennifer just sighed. “That we’ll be fucking every time I wash my hair.”

“Fucking?” Tommy frowned at her for that. Tapped her chin as if he was scolding her. “You make it sound so crass.”

“ _Making love,_ then.” She remembered Tommy making love to her the night of their wedding. It had been slow and kind of beautiful. A precious thing.

Now all they seemed to do was fuck. And that was different somehow.

“I have to get ready for work, okay?” A squeeze of the shoulders and Tommy was at the closet. Reaching in for a crisp white shirt and slipping into it. “I'll stop at the drugstore on my way home,” he said. “Get you some aspirin if you like.”

“I can get it myself.” Jennifer sank into the bare mattress. Watched her husband’s head snap sharply towards her. “Darleen doesn’t want me in today,” she said, much softer this time. “You really don’t have to go out of your way.”

Tommy just stared at her all flat. “When are you going to realize that I do?”

\---

Jennifer waited for him by pretending not to. 

She slipped into a billowy cotton sundress and tied her hair up with a scarf. Took her time putting the breakfast pots away, and hanging the clean white sheets out to dry. Letting them undulate against the blue of the sky while she wandered between the roses. Wandered barefoot, running her palms along the pretty red petals and dredging her fingers through the dirt.

The doorbell rang and her heart rocketed stupidly as she hurried to answer it. Tried to retain some composure but broke into a smile anyway when she saw him standing there. Leaning against the breezeway with a cigarette curling in his hand. Billy was all smiles too when he saw her.

“ _You_ _came_ ,” Jennifer said it like she’d been hoping. All pretense gone.

“I told you I would, didn’t I?” True to his promise, Billy’s Camaro was nowhere to be seen. He took the time to look her up and down. “You look nice.”

“This old thing?” Jennifer couldn’t stop smiling. Was still smiling as she shut the door behind him and joined him in the hall. “Where’d you park your ride?”

“A couple of blocks away.” He took it all in. “Didn’t see any neighbors.”

“Trust me. They’re always watching.” Jennifer moved to deftly touch his arm. “You ready for your tour?” He bit his lip at her when she said that.

“I don’t know. Are we starting upstairs?”

“We’re starting in the living room.” She pretended not to have caught on to how dirty it sounded. Beckoned for him to follow her. “It’s nice, right? The dining room’s just through there. Then there’s the utility room. Kitchen. Tommy’s study that he never lets me go in and... _you’re spilling ash on my rug._ ”

“Sorry.” Billy grasped at the ashtray she thrust into his hand. Nodded his head at the study door. Closed and locked too, probably. “He _never_ lets you in?”

“It’s understandable. What he does is very... _classified_.”

Billy only smirked at her. “You’ve no idea what he does, do you?”

“I know he’s a researcher.” Jennifer was definitely reaching. Going pinker the longer he stared. “Your dad works there too,” she said, giving in and then moodily crossing her arms. “What does he do then, huh?”

“Nothing like that.” Billy snorted. “Dad just works security.”

“Whatever.” She started walking again. He had to hurry to keep up. “I just know I’m not supposed to talk about it, that’s all. Said he couldn’t tell me what he did, even if he wanted to.” Jennifer stopped to gesture lamely. “That’s the pantry.”

“Got a basement?” He pretended to be interested.

“Got an attic too.” She jerked her head coolly to the ceiling and then stopped to look at him. Wet her lips. “That’s upstairs though.”

“Most attics are.” There was a delicious beat.

Then.

“Do you want to see the garden?” Jennifer turned on her heel so Billy just followed her out. Stood there on the lawn with her while she pointed out the flowerbeds. “Planted them myself,” she said. “I always said as soon as I’d got my own house, the first thing I’d do was plant some flowers. Make it a home.”

“Impressive.” She seemed happy so he let her talk. “Know what they are?”

“Roses.” She pointed with her foot. “Peonies. Marigolds. Morning Glories.”

“Morning ‘what’?” Billy sniggered so she shot him a look.

“Morning Glories. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing,” he said. “If you like waking up with a hard-on.”

“You’re a pervert.” A smile tugged anyway. “Why is everything dirty with you?”

Billy just stepped closer. “Why do you like it so much when it is?”

“I don’t,” she said. Breathed out as if she’d lost her voice. Could only stare.

“No?”

Heat flooded her face when Billy touched her wrist. Stretched a lazy finger out to sweep against her knuckle. Jennifer’s sigh hitched as she looked down at their touching hands. Then saw her wedding ring flash. Warm and tawny.

“We should, erm-” She dragged a hand to her head like she’d forgotten what she was going to say. Gave him a flustered smile. “We should go back inside and have a drink or something. Watch a movie...I’ll see what I can find.”

Billy could only watch her sway as she turned to go back indoors. Thought about running after her and tugging that damn scarf from her hair. Kissing her senseless from behind. Holding her against the wall while he...

“Are you coming?” She stopped there in the doorway and waited for him, beckoning with one crooked finger. He thought he saw her swallow as she stared. And for one crazy whirlwind of a second, he thought just maybe she could read his mind. Thought he saw a flicker of approval in her eyes. “Billy?”

_Or, perhaps he had just imagined that part._

“Right behind you.” Billy could only focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Felt sick to his stomach because it hurt so fucking good to be near her.

Followed her into the neat little cul-de-sac with a chagrined sigh.

\---

“Okay, okay! I’ve got one.” Jennifer pushed to kneel there on the couch. Was laughing before she’d even had time to get her words out. “Do you remember when we were fourteen,” she said. “And you nearly hemorrhaged on the boardwalk ‘cause the guy who worked the stall pierced your ear all funny?”

“Do I remember?” Billy touched his ear. Grinning. “I nearly bled out that day.”

“You nearly _passed_ out. Guy had to call a doctor, you were so white.” Jennifer rocked back into the couch with another laugh, nursing a cushion on her knee. She glanced over idly at the TV and smiled. “Look. The movie’s finished.”

Credits rolled on a black screen when Billy turned his head to see.

“So it has. I didn’t even notice.”

“Deer Hunter’s a long movie too.” Jennifer slipped off the couch to retrieve the tape, and Billy caught a flash of her tanned thigh. Watched her crouching there by the TV set. “Pick one, bucko. It’s your call. Sophie’s Choice or Fast Times?”

“They both sound terrible.” He waved his hand and lit a cigarette. “You pick.”

“But I picked last time.” She waved the tapes at him until they played a tune in her hands. Pouted at the boy until he relented. “Come on, it’s only fair.”

Billy pointed lazily with his boot. “What about that one?”

“That’s a home-movie.” Jennifer squinted at the label. Cocking her head to see. “I found it at my mom’s place when we were looking through her stuff.”

“Got anything good on it?”

“I don’t know yet.” She shrugged and slotted in the tape. Then came bounding back to flop down beside him. Drew her knees up. “I haven’t watched it.”

“What if it’s porn?” Billy saw her smile at him in the reflection of the TV.

“You’re gross. It won’t be.”

“But what if it is?”

“Then we’ll get off to it,” she said. “Now are you watching this thing or not?”

“Definitely not porn.” Billy’s blue eyes slid to the TV when the picture began to flicker. Short, jerky clips of the Beaumont family in the early seventies. Tiny, gap-toothed Jennifer in a pretty prairie dress. Helping her brother look for Easter eggs. “Christ. You haven’t changed a bit, have you?”

“Thanks.” She rolled her eyes at him for that. “Was it terrible the other day?”

“Was ‘what’ terrible?” Billy pretended to be absorbed in the movie.

“Your lecture,” she said. “With your dad and Susan. Did they bite?”

“They always bite.” Billy threw her a dry look. “Dad always seems to bite the worst though. Little Saint Susan can’t do shit. She just nips.”

“Susan looked like she’d been bitten herself,” Jennifer remarked.

Billy only grunted at that.

“Fuck ‘em,” he said. “Fuck Dad, and fuck Susan too.”

“And fuck me for bringing it up?”

“Fuck you for-” The corner of his mouth pulled and Billy almost smiled. Shot her another sideward glance. “Well,” he said carefully. “It doesn't matter.”

Jennifer just stared at him. She didn’t smile either.

The TV played away to itself behind her. Forgotten again.

Billy grew warm. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Just looking for bruises.” Her comment made his stomach sour.

“Don’t bother,” he snapped.

“Is he hitting you again?”

“Is he ‘what’?”

“You heard me.” Jennifer touched his arm, her fingers curling into blue denim. On his sleeve was the waxy red kiss she’d pressed into the fabric when she’d turned fifteen. Fifteen years old. Old enough to wear lipstick for the first time. Cherry red. Smeared all over his clothes and mouth. “You can talk to me.”

Billy tore his arm away and twisted. “This isn’t gonna end well, you know. It’s only gonna end in a fight, Fi. Just like it did last time.”

“It doesn’t have to,” she tried.

“But it will.”

“But only if you let it-” She caught his arm again and this time he didn’t flinch. Glanced down at those glossy, tapered nails. Rose pink. White knuckles. “Only if you tell me you never want to see me again. Slam the door in my face. Drop me off at my mom’s house and go to that stupid dance with Monica instead of me.” She shoved at his shoulder and almost straddled him. “ _Say it, Billy._ ”

“Say what?”

“Say what you said last time.”

“Can’t remember what I said last time.” He was dying. Her fingers on his collar, so close to the warmth of his neck. He wanted her to touch him but Billy could only swallow. “I said a lot of things last time. Most of it I didn’t even mean.”

“Most of it?” She didn’t pull away. Just stared at him. Waited. “Such as?”

“Such as...” Billy’s eyes drew even with the TV behind her. “Is that Laura?”

Jennifer whipped around. On the screen, a young girl with stuck up bangs and pigtails played catch on a lush green lawn. Pranced around in her red shorts and glossy T-strap shoes. Tossed the ball to Fox Lewinsky while her mother and another man looked on. Laughing.

It was dated 1972.

It wasn’t Laura. It was her.

“That’s not funny.” In a flash, she was up and switching off the TV set. “That’s not funny at all,” she rushed out. “You’re a jerk.” She was crying now. Flushed cheeks glistened when he drew nearer. “Billy, that’s not funny. I really thought-”

“I know what you thought.” Billy had seen her eyes whip to the window first.

“I guess I do have hope.” She sniffed and felt stupid. “Even when I say I don’t.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” He touched her arm. Gingerly, like he wasn’t sure she would drag away from him. She didn’t. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“I think we better pass on the next movie.” Jennifer was standing up to wipe her eyes. Went to the mirror in the hallway to peer into it. Grimacing at her blotched complexion. “Don’t you have to pick up your sister from school?”

“You want me to go?” Billy couldn’t help but feel a little hurt by that. Even though neither of them was in the mood for watching movies anymore.

“I think you better.” She was reapplying lipstick. Wiping at her eyes where her makeup had run. Glanced up and saw him there in the mirror behind her.

“I better start making dinner,” she said. “He’ll be home in a couple of hours.”

“ _Tommy_?” He spoke his name because she hadn’t wanted to.

“Yes. Tommy.” Wine red lips pressed together until she turned to him. Brown eyes creasing as she allowed herself to smile. “I had a really good time today.”

“Even though I made you cry?” He didn’t allow her time to answer. Stepped closer to thumb at the lipstick on her mouth. “I want you to come out with me next week.” He’d said it before he’d had time to rationalize what he was saying. His mouth working, as usual, faster than his brain. “There’s gonna be a gig on the boardwalk,” he said anyway. “All the rides’ll be open. The food stands, everything. We’ll eat Chinese food and watch ‘em race bikes on the beach.”

“Billy, I can’t.” Her eyes slid to him in disappointment.

“Why not?” He’d known she was going to say that. “Because of him?”

“I can’t-” Jennifer stopped to wet her lips. Swallowed. “I can’t go out with you the way I go out with my other friends,” she said. “People will talk.”

Billy went quiet and stared at the wall. She wondered if he was mad at her.

“If I took my sister to a beach concert,” he said carefully, not mad at all. “And I ran into you while you just so happened to be there with your brother...that wouldn’t be us going out together, would it?” He asked. “That’d just be-”

“ _A_ _coincidence_.” Jennifer finished for him with a smile. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“So it’s a date?” Billy stepped to the door when she turned to open it for him. Came out onto the sunny doorstep to smile at her as he’d first done that morning. He thought his step seemed to be a little lighter after that.

“It’s not a date, Billy.” She reminded him. “It’s just a chance meeting.”

“I’ll take that over nothing at all.”

“I’ll be seeing you.” Billy winked goodbye at her but Jennifer didn’t follow him out. Just stayed there in the shadow of the house while she fidgeted with her skirt. Wistfully watching him go, the sunshine beating down on his back.

\---

“Are you coming to bed?” Later that night, Jennifer hovered there in the doorway of Tommy’s study. Her gaze burning into the back of her husband’s shirt. He was working late again. Hunched over his desk with his typewriter and his papers. Smoking cigarette after cigarette. Drinking coffee. “Tommy?”

“Just a minute, Jennifer.” Keys tapped as he typed away furiously.

“It sounds like you’re writing a novel or something.” 

He didn’t answer her. Didn’t even laugh. 

Jennifer took advantage of the open door to slip inside. Took in the shelves and the many filing cabinets because she’d never seen them before.

“You have so many books.” She wandered over to trace the spines. Saw all the classics sitting there: _Lady Chatterley. Middlemarch. Jekyll and Hyde._ Even the operas, although the Lewinsky’s owned no piano. Jennifer slipped out _Fidelio_ , then quickly put it back again. “You have _Little_ _Women_ too. Can I borrow it?”

“I didn’t know you liked it.” Tommy was still typing. “I barely have the time to read anything anymore. You may as well help yourself to whatever you like.”

" _Little_ _Women’s_ my favorite.” Jennifer tucked the book beneath her arm and came to crouch by his chair. Smiled when Tommy eventually pushed his typewriter aside and slipped her onto his knee. “You ever watched the movie?”

“Katharine Hepburn?” He pulled a face. “Not really my thing.”

“I bet I could get you to like it.” She slipped her fingers up into his hair, feeling for the curls at the back of his neck. “You’d like it more than the _Fountainhead_.”

“Gary Cooper though.” Tommy smiled a deadpan smile. Looked doubtful. “I think the story’s a little more complex than your Louisa May Alcott, isn’t it?”

“Nothing more complex than women, Tommy.” Jennifer didn’t even flinch at him. Just wound his hair tighter around her fingers. “Isn’t that what you men are always saying? And there’s _four_ women in it: Meg, Amy, Beth and Jo.”

“I guess there’s no arguing with you tonight.” Her husband exhaled to tip his head back. Gazed at her. “Not when you’ve got such a smart mouth.”

Tommy tugged at her lower lip, hissing when Jennifer took his fingers in her mouth. Suckled on them. Ran the pads along her tongue. Teasing him.

“You taken your pills yet?”

Jennifer stopped sucking. “I don’t like them. They make my head hurt.”

Tommy just smiled at her gently. “That’ll pass in a few weeks, Jen.”

“ _And_ they make me sleepy.” She took the chair when Tommy pushed to stand. Pressed kisses into the back of her neck. “It’s hell getting up in the morning.”

“It’s hell anyway.” He touched her shoulders. “I’ll get you some water.”

“Do you think you’ll be working much longer?” Jennifer gestured when Tommy returned with her pills and a tall glass of water. Sat there on the end of his desk while he watched her dutifully sip. “I hate going to bed alone. Always have.”

“Because of your nightmares?” He stole the glass back when she was finished. Held it there on his knee. “They’ve stopped though now, right? Since the pills?”

“Yes,” she said. “But that’s not what I meant.”

Tommy nodded and rocked back to stare. “What did you mean then?”

“I just meant that I-” Jennifer peeked to smile wanly. “I like being with you.”

“ _Do_ _you_?”

“Of course I do.”

His question jarred her like a kick in the ribs. Made her frown. 

“Who came to the house today, Jennifer?”

“What are you-?” His wife’s smile quickly faded. Palms grew slick. “Nobody.”

“ _Nobody_?” She could tell by his tone that he didn’t believe her. Got up to stalk behind her chair. Tommy’s hands came to rest on the backrest of her seat, and she wondered how he could know a thing like that. Wondered why she was lying about it too. “What cigarettes do you smoke, Jennifer? _The_ _brand_.”

“The brand? I-” She craned her neck to see him. “I don’t know. Parliaments?”

“That’s what I thought.” Tommy nodded because he smoked them too. Bent to put his mouth by her ear so she stiffened up to hear him. “Those aren’t your Parliaments in the ashtray,” he said slowly. “Those are Marlboro’s. And if you don’t smoke Marlboro’s, and I don’t smoke Marlboro’s...then who does?”

“Have I done something wrong?” Jennifer wanted to rush up and spring out of her chair but the damn medicine was kicking in. Slowing down her brain and making her tongue slip all heavy in her mouth. “Is there a law against smoking two brands of cigarettes or something?...Is that why you’re mad at me?”

Tommy laughed short through his nose. “ _You_ smoked those cigarettes?”

“I get them from the diner.” She answered him carefully, trying her best to concentrate. “I just smoke whatever’s lying around. Whatever I can get my hands on... _And_ ,” she added slowly as an afterthought. “Sometimes I get them in tips too. So naturally, I wouldn’t have any packets or receipts to show you.”

Jennifer finished and waited.

It was a good lie. A fucking good lie. The best lie she’d ever told.

Actually, it was the _only_ lie she’d ever told. And she still wasn’t entirely sure why she’d done it. Jennifer’s heart beat crazily while she waited for Tommy to process. Watched his face while he circled and came to kneel by her chair.

“I’m sorry,” he said, at last. “I believe you. _Of_ _course_ , I believe you.”

“You do?” Jennifer just stared at him all flat. Felt his hand on her chin.

“I think you should try and stick to one brand all the same. Make things easier.”

“Make things easier for who?” She almost slurred it but managed to get it out.

Tommy just smiled and smiled. “Look at you.” He stood to stretch and help her stand. “You can barely keep your eyes open. Time for bed, I think.”

Tommy led Jennifer to the hallway and she waited for him to check the locks on the doors. Stood there all sleepy in her nightdress. Watching him with big eyes that registered nothing. Too tired to see. Too tired to care.

For now.

Eyes wide shut on the staircase.

\---

“You should try to take the pill at the same time every day if you can.” The doctor turned away to write her prescription. Slipped Jennifer a pamphlet that she nursed on her knee. “It’s very important that you don’t forget to take it.”

“I won’t forget.” Jennifer was sure about that. “But...say I did?”

“Your chances of getting pregnant would be much higher, of course.” The man slipped off his glasses and pinched at his nose. “You should take it as soon as you remember. Even if that means you have to take two pills that day.”

“But...my chances of having a baby would still be small?”

“Extremely small,” he said. “But you should try to remember all the same.”

The doctor sat back and scratched at his chin. Jennifer sat there quiet on the bed. She’d twisted and bunched up her uniform skirt until it was all creased under her hot hands. Was trying her very best to smooth it out again.

“Is everything alright, Mrs. Lewinsky? You seem... _uncomfortable_?” Distracted seemed a better word for it. She kept glancing at the time. “Some women find these sorts of things difficult to talk about, but I’d like to assure you-”

“It’s not that.” Jennifer’s hands dropped. “I feel fine. Really.”

“And you’re sure this is something you’re comfortable with?”

“What are my alternatives?” Jennifer was gathering her things to go. Shoving the flyer into her purse. “Falling pregnant and having a baby I don’t want?”

“There _are_ other alternatives.” The doctor waited until she’d sat back down again. Watched her working her bottom lip between her teeth. “Remember what we talked about?” He listed off a couple of them. “You still have options.”

“This is my best one.” Jennifer knew that much. “It _has_ to be.”

It was easy.

One pill slipped beneath the tongue during a busy lunch hour shift. A wave of the hand to shrug off any prying eyes that stared. _Nothing to worry about. A slight headache, that’s all. A slight headache and no babies. A magic pill._

Jennifer left the doctor’s office feeling slightly better than when she’d first walked in. Took her time walking across town and mulling it all over.

The telephone was ringing when she finally reached the house, and she hurried to answer it. Swept the plastic receiver quickly up to her ear.

It was Tommy.

“Are you alright?” He sounded faraway on the phone. “I tried calling you over an hour ago...I thought you said that your shift ended at five?”

“I stayed back a little longer to help Darleen.” The lie came so easily. She was twirling her hair as she said it. “I’m home now though. What time shall we eat?”

“That’s why I’m calling you, actually. You don’t mind if I’m late back?”

“Of course not.” There came her second lie. Jennifer wilted against the kitchen counter. Traced marble. “I’ll keep your dinner warm for you.”

“Yes, but here’s the thing.” Tommy cut her off. Impatient and trying not to be. “I don’t know what time I’ll be back, you see. I could be here all night, Jen.”

“ _All_ _night_?” Her frame slumped down further. “Should I wait up for you?”

"I wouldn’t bother,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll be asleep before then.”

“But I don’t mind. Honest.” Jennifer felt stupid saying this sort of thing over the phone. Felt clingy and desperate. All subtlety gone when she had to literally spell it out like that. “I’ve been thinking about you all day,” she said.

Tommy cleared his throat over the phone. “ _Jennifer_...”

“No, I mean it.” This time it was her turn to interrupt. Wandering through into the sitting room to flop down onto the couch. "Come home, Tommy. Please.”

There was a long, insufferable pause over the other end of the line. Tommy’s voice eventually crackled its way through. “I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

She shot up quickly. “You mean, you’re coming?”

“Yes. When I’m allowed to.” Tommy sighed. “Look, just... _don’t wait up for me._ ”

Jennifer’s finger was already slipping to turn off the receiver.

_“Jennifer? Are you still there?”_

“Yes, I’m here.” She shot the phone back to her ear again. Tried not to grimace at how quickly she’d done it. _Fast_. _Too_ _fast_. “I’m still here, Tommy.”

“Good,” he said. “Because I just wanted to say that I love you.”

“And I love you.” Her answer came back swift and easy. “Lots and lots.”

She thought she heard him laugh a little in her ear. “And if you really insist on waiting up for me,” he said carefully. Trailed off as if waiting for her to answer.

“I’ll be the one in red,” she said, finishing for him. “Do you promise you’ll try?”

“ _I_ _promise_.” He was smiling. She could tell. “You sound...happy tonight.”

“I _am_ happy. I feel different. I feel good.”

“I can tell that you do...So, what’s changed?”

She thought of the 21 little pills sitting at the bottom of her purse. Blister pack.

"Nothing big,” she answered. “You’ll hurry back, won’t you?”

“I’ll try to,” he said.

\---

_“Jennifer, wake up. Can you hear me?”_

It was her husband’s hand on her shoulder that woke her in the end. A sharp voice in her ear that startled her under his grip. Jennifer shot up onto her elbows and brought a hand to her head. 

Gasped and cried out with the shock of waking.

“I’m sorry, Jennifer.” Tommy sank into the side of the bed and began to remove his shoes. Loosened his tie and tossed it somewhere into the dark blue of the room. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you were having a nightmare.”

“You did?” Her fingers slipped from her temple to fall against the pillows. The rest of her body following close behind. “ _God_. I just had such a terrible dream.”

“You’re alright now.” The hall light was on. A wash of yellow illuminating the one half of Tommy’s face. “You were crying out though. Thought I better wake you.”

He was feeling around for her. Apologetic. 

“No. You were right to. I’m sorry.” Jennifer felt for his sleeve and held onto him. Pressed her face into the pillows as she inhaled. Sounded ready to cry. “What time is it? Have you just got back?” 

She couldn’t remember falling asleep.

“It’s just a little after four.” Tommy kicked his last shoe off and it rolled onto the carpet with a dull thud. “All took a little longer than I thought it would...I would have stayed but I- I had to make sure you were okay.”

“ _Okay_?” He was freezing. It was then that Jennifer first heard the rain pattering loudly against the windows. Drumming into the side of the house. Just the very noise of it sent chills down her spine. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“I just had to come home.” He let her pull him down into the bed beside her. Still fully clothed beneath the covers. Curled into her like a small child so Jennifer stroked his hair. Kissed him. “It’s my job to look after you, you know.”

“We look after each other.” He was shaking so Jennifer kissed him all over. Tried to make out the blueish shape of him there in the dark. His hair was wet. “What the hell happened to you tonight? Why were you back so late?”

“Just... _work_.” He returned her kiss blindly. “You know I can’t explain it.”

“Sometimes,” she said. “I really wish you’d try to.”

Tommy didn’t say anything so Jennifer lay back down. Buried her face into the curve of his shoulder and lay still. Listened to him breathing. Felt for his cold hands beneath the sheets and held onto them. Blew warm air into his collar.

“What were you dreaming?” In the dark, Tommy opened his eyes.

“Something terrible.” Jennifer sighed it like it hurt. Opened her eyes too.

“A nightmare?” He asked.

“Something like that.”

“Tell me.” Tommy stirred in the bed and rolled over. Came to lie between her legs but didn’t do much else. Didn’t move. Didn’t even touch her. Just lay there with his damp head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. “What happened?”

“I can’t talk about it.” A sob hitched but she swallowed it back down. Tears threatened to spill because it was just _that_ shameful. “Tommy, it was terrible.”

“It can’t have been that bad. Tell me.” Tommy fought to meet her eyes when she tried to turn her face away. “Hey.” He hushed her. “Why was it terrible?”

“Because it...” Jennifer touched her mouth and allowed herself to weep that time. Pulled Tommy back down into her. “ _Because it wasn’t terrible at all._ ”

\---

“I was dreaming about you last night.” Jennifer skipped to the next track on the Walkman she shared with Billy. One ear bud each. Lunch break at the diner, so they’d split a piece of pie. “I probably shouldn’t have told you that though.”

She’d been debating it. Turning it all over in her mind.

“Why not? Was it a sex dream?” Billy just smiled with his mouth full. Spot on, yet still as crass as ever. Leaning in close to speak into her ear. “Was I any good, Fi? Is that why you’re blushing? Can’t look me in the eye today?”

“I’m not blushing.” Jennifer squirmed under his gaze and looked away. Glanced out across the sunny street and felt his eyes still on her. “It wasn’t even sex,” she said. “I mean, not technically anyway.”

“Always a technicality.” Billy’s interest was piqued. “You’re holding out on me.”

“And I’m _still_ holding out on you...This is why I didn’t want to say anything.”

“And yet you did anyway.” Billy caught her sleeve. “It was just a dream, right?”

“No dream is ever just a dream,” she said seriously, and he let go of her arm.

Billy had known that too. But he hadn’t been brave enough to say it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me :) I think we'll all look back one day and say the affair began here.


	6. Thou Shalt Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for being so patient for the next update :) Lots of Billy and Jennifer not practicing social distancing. Hints of something mysterious to come towards the end.
> 
> TW: Some sexual references. Billy being a dick (kinda) to Max.

“Bands pretty good, right?” Maxine Mayfield tossed her red hair and craned to see over the tops of the crowd. Arched her neck to get a better view of the oscillating bass player up front. “You ever seen ‘em play before, Billy?”

“We don’t have to talk, Max.” Her step-brother was, as usual, cold without meaning to be. The bruised after effect of a scolding at dinner he was still sulking about. “I mean...can’t we just enjoy the music?”

“I _am_ enjoying the music.” Max peered up at him to stare. “Who are you waiting for?” Billy stood tall and steely tonight in black leather and shaded aviators. Turning his zippo lighter over in his hand until that it flashed.

“What makes you think I’m waiting for anybody?”

Max just smiled because he was easier to read than he knew. Stupidly easy to read when he’d got his heart set on something. “Which girl is it this time?”

“What’s it to you?” There it was again. That coldness. Billy cleared his throat and shot her a warning look. “When she gets here. You disappear. Got it?”

“Fine by me.” The glow from the fire-pit was making her too warm anyway. “Do I know her? Is it Grace Collier?...It’s not Betty Finch again, is it?”

“Betty Finch? How’d you know about-” Billy stopped then to take off his glasses. Did an obvious double-take at the crowd. “Max...Get outta here.”

His sister just rolled her eyes. “Jesus, Billy. Drool much?”

“Shut up.” He kept staring so Max stood on her toes to see.

“Open your mouth any wider and you’ll start catching flies...That’s Jennifer Lewinsky, isn’t it? Isn’t she married to that-” The redhead broke off sharply when her brother spun to her. His eyes flashing in the firelight. Max just shook her head because Billy was stupid. Very stupid. More stupid than he knew. “I hope you know what you’re doing. If anyone finds out about this then they’ll-”

“We’re just friends, okay?” Billy shoved at her shoulder to make her move.

“Just friends?” She dug her heels in at the lie. “Billy, you don’t have friends-”

“Fuck off. Yes, I do.”

“Not girl friends though. Not friends that are girls.”

“Just- do me a favor, alright?” Billy prodded at the kid until she was listening to him. Dragging her eyes away from the dancing girl on the bandstand steps. “If I give you ten bucks for the arcade, do you promise to get out of here?” He caught sight of Leo Beaumont beside Jennifer. “And take her brother too?”

“Make it twenty bucks and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

“You’re a sly piece of shit, you know that?” He slipped her the money anyway.

“And once again, Billy.” The younger girl tucked the money smugly into the back pocket of her jeans. Looked triumphant. “Once again, you’re at the mercy of your own sex glands.” She dashed off into the crowd to find Leo. 

Billy made a beeline for Jennifer as soon as Max had disappeared. 

“Fancy seeing you here.” He pushed his way through the thriving mass of limbs towards her. The charm dialled up. Sunglasses back in his hand and a cocky grin fixed in place. “It’s a small world, right? Tommy know you’re here?”

“He knows I’m here.” Jennifer stopped dancing and swept her curls back. Breathless and glowing with sweat. Billy took note of the way her jewelery clung to her. Brassy in the firelight. “He knows I’m here with Leo anyway.”

“And he didn’t want to come?” The question dripped with sarcasm.

Jennifer winced as they fell into step beside each other. Headed for the glittering lights of the pier. “Tommy’s been late home every night this week.”

“He do that a lot?” 

“Sometimes. Been a bit more often lately. And he’s been worrying a lot too, so I think something happened. At the Base, I mean. But it’s not as if I can get him to talk to me about it because he won’t.” Jennifer touched her forehead as if it hurt her. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be talking to you about this, should I?”

“Sure you can.” He wanted to kiss her senseless. Make her smile again.

“No, I shouldn’t. It isn’t fair. You didn’t invite me here so I could ramble on about-” She stopped and corrected herself. Beamed. “I almost forgot. You didn’t invite me here, did you? It was fate. It was all chance and nothing else.”

“Good old fashioned coincidence.” They both smiled at the joke and Billy slowed his pace a little. Touched her arm. “You wanna get something to eat?”

“So long as it’s Chinese.” There was a food stand a couple of feet away so they went over and ordered. Stood with their backs to the railings while they picked at noodles in white cardboard cartons. “I almost didn’t come, you know.”

“How’d you mean?” Billy fussed with his chopsticks.

“Just that Tommy was so against me going at first.” Jennifer stood there all bright and pretty on the promenade. Mystic in her gypsy skirt and white corset top. Billy found it hard to believe that this girl was married to a black suit and a pair of shiny shoes. “Had this big fight the other night because he was so angry about it,” she said. “Kept saying it wasn’t safe. That he wanted me at home where he knew where I was. Where he could reach me if he needed to.”

“And what’d you tell him?” Something tugged sharply at Billy’s heart. Jealousy, perhaps. Anger. Protectiveness. “I hope you told him where to stick it.”

“Tommy just says that because he cares about me.”

“Tommy just says that because he’s an ass.”

“Don’t start, Billy.” Jennifer looked hurt. Her face catching the colored lights of the amusements. “Anyway, I said I wouldn’t talk about it with you, so I won’t.”

“Fair enough. Let’s talk about something else then.”

“Talk about what?”

“Whatever you want.” Billy’s eye caught a street preacher on the corner. Dirty and barefoot as he stood bellowing. Waving his fist. “Had anymore dreams?”

“How do you know about my-” She caught herself. “Oh, you mean...”

“That little dream you had about me the other night?” Billy filled the space between them and behind them, the preacher kept yelling. “Had anymore?”

“No.” She was quick to answer. Too quick. Eyelashes fluttering because she was looking everywhere but at him. “I should never have told you about that.”

“Well, you didn’t exactly go to town with all the dirty little details.” He smirked and Jennifer was smiling again. Slipping back and coming up short against the railings. Knees touched and Jennifer’s hands fell slack. The Chinese food dropping and splashing to the floor. Billy’s forehead slumped to touch hers and she didn’t reel back like he thought she would. Couldn’t, he supposed, when he had her pressed against the side like that. Her heart pounding under her pretty white cami. Pounding so hard he swore he could feel it. “You’re nervous.”

“You think you’ve got that effect on me, but you’re wrong.”

“I don’t think it, Jen. I know. Can’t get me out of your head for a minute, can you?” He didn’t let up. Didn’t let her go either. Would have if she’d tried to.

“You probably get off on this, don’t you?” Her question had him smiling but she was being deadly serious. Eyes flashing as she looked up to stare. “Having people fawning for you. Making them admit they care...We dated the whole way through high school and you were my first for everything: First date. First kiss. First fuck.” Dark lashes fluttered at her when she said that. “You go on about heartbreak and how you would have died for me, when it was you who pushed me away. Pushed me away for caring. ‘Cause you wouldn’t let me in.”

“I let you in.” His face clouded over. “You didn’t like what you saw.”

“An entire family living under Neil Hargrove’s heel. Can you blame me?”

“I didn’t need you to fix my family, Jen. You never saw me trying to fix yours.”

It tugged at him when he saw her flinch. Eyes flashing in futile defiance.

“I wasn’t trying to fix anything.” The wind picked up and she stared around him. Purple skirt twisting between her legs. “I just wanted to be your friend.”

“I didn’t want you to be my friend.” He said. “I wanted to love you.”

“That’s the same thing.” Her breath hitched, her eyes sliding to his leather shoulder. “Did you think I’d just sway and fall for you again? Just like that?”

“Haven’t you?”

“No, I haven’t.” Behind them, the preacher was stomping and spitting out the Ten Commandments. _Thou_ _shalt_ _not_ _lie. Thou shalt not covet._ The color rose slowly to Jennifer’s cheeks as Billy looked on. “What do you want from me?”

“You know what I want.” Billy was brazen. Breath on her face.

 _Thou shalt not commit adultery_. Jennifer could only stand there and try not to inhale him. Breathing shallowly with his curls tickling her temple. She thought to squirm but worried that he’d back away again. Take his hands off her. 

“I want you to come somewhere with me.” Billy seemed to step closer as he said it. Pressed her further back against the rail. “Five minutes. I promise.” 

“Five minutes?” She could hardly breathe. Watching as Billy stepped back to offer her his hand. Released his hold on her so she unfolded. Skirt fluttering free again when the warm breeze picked up. “Where are we going?”

“Don’t you trust me?” He just smiled when she shook her head. 

“Like hell I do.” She moved to reach for him but was quickly pulled back again by a man she did not know. Jennifer’s snatched arm jerked as she whipped around to stare. 

“Ivy,” the man said.

\---

“Your sister and my brother must think they’re so slick if they think we can’t tell what’s going on.” Max wandered the aisle of the comic store with Leo at her side. Browsing. “Billy always thinks he’s so smart until he gets caught.”

“You think there’s something going on?” Leo asked innocently. Colored lights filtering in from the boardwalk outside. Lighting up the store red and green. 

His friend nodded and stretched for a comic. “Know how I know?”

He didn’t. But Max was more than happy enough to tell him.

“Billy’s never had a girlfriend,” she said. “Apart from Jennifer, he’s only ever had dates. And by ‘dates’ I mean girls from school that he takes up to the Point once or twice and never calls again.” She turned away to scoff. Flicked deftly through the comic. “Since he broke up with your sister last summer, Billy’s had a date almost every night. Phone was ringing off the hook but you know what?”

“What?”

“Billy doesn’t have dates anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.” Leo kept walking. Headed for the science fiction where he snatched at a garishly bright cover. “And anyway, my sister’s with Tommy now. It’s not like they can see each other, is it? Not like that I mean.”

Max stopped walking to stare at him. “Cute,” she said.

“What is? What’s cute?”

“You. Being naive.” She started walking again. “All I know is that it’s not a coincidence they ran into each other tonight. My brother knows exactly what he’s doing.” She paused once more to raise a brow. “And your sister does too.”

“Just the one?” The lanky, brown-skinned boy that worked the till smiled down at the cover. Scanned it through and then tapped the glowing green monster that rose up morbidly from the lake. Arms outstretched. Dripping slime. “ _The Monsters of Montauk_ ,” he said. “Read it carefully. You might learn from it.”

“It’s science fiction.” Max peered over the counter. “What is there to learn?”

“There’s always plenty to learn, kid... _If_ you read between the lines.”

“We do enough learning at school.” She roused a laugh from him at that.

“I’m not talking about geometry and all your multiplication bullshit.” The boy tapped the cover again. Adamant. “I’m talking about government conspiracies here: Time travel. Military experiments. Mind Control. Teleportation.”

“Like we said.” Leo jumped in. “Science fiction.”

“If you like.” 

Max cocked her head to the left. Couldn’t believe he was actually being serious. “You don’t really believe in any of this stuff, do you?”

“Sure I do.” He bounced back with ease. Quick to answer. “You believe everything the government tells you?”

“My step-dad says we should. And he works at Sandbank.”

“Then your step-dad would be wrong.” The boy leaned closer to stare. Peered at the two kids who gazed up at him, wide-eyed, over the counter. “And if he really does work at Sandbank,” he said. “Then he’d know that that place has more than its fair share of dirty secrets. And he’d know that believing everything the Man tells you is absolute bullshit.” 

“What do you know about it then?” Max pressed for more but he just smiled.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Try me,” she said. 

“Dallas. Quit brainwashing the poor kids and give ‘em their change back.” A blonde girl working stock yelled over at them. Glanced reassuringly at Max and Leo. “Ignore him, okay? Dallas is the paranoid cynic who thinks he knows exactly what his government is up to, ‘cause he read it in a comic book once.”

“You might be happy enough walking around with your eyes closed.” Dallas was unfazed. Seemed used to it. “But I’m not, okay? Some of us actually want to live with our eyes open.” He bagged up the comic and slid it across the counter. Turned down the bill that Leo tried to offer. “It’s on me, kids.”

“Wow. Really?” Leo put his money away. “Thanks, man.”

“Yeah.” Max offered up a smile in return. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Just remember what I said, yeah?” Dallas watched them from the counter with a flick of the hand. Pointed on every word. “Read between the damn lines.” Shouts from the pier filtered in when Max turned one last time at the door. Looked back at him. “Every story’s got a little truth in it, right?”

\--- 

“ _Ivy_.”

“I’m sorry?” Jennifer shook off the shock. “Do I know you?”

“What’s going on?” Billy stepped forward too.

“I thought that-” The man let go of her arm like it was red hot. Backed away and almost stumbled right into the preacher. “I thought that you were-”

“It’s not her.” A woman appeared at his side. Face like granite until she turned to the two teens. Gave them both a smile that was sweet and syrupy. “I’m sorry,” she chirped. “My husband thought you were somebody else, that’s all.”

“Ivy?” Jennifer crossed to Billy. “You lost someone?”

“Not at all.” The woman was still smiling. Hadn’t stopped yet. Kept tinkering with the collar of her blouse. “You’ve just got one of those faces, I think...It’s funny...You’re not going to tell me you’ve got a twin sister too, are you?”

“No.” Jennifer grabbed for Billy’s hand and squeezed it. “No, I haven’t.”

“Well, then.” The woman’s eyes flickered between them at that. Smiled again. “I’m sorry for interrupting. You kids have a nice night now, won’t you?”

Jennifer didn’t speak so Billy spoke for her. “Thank you. We’ll try.”

His hand moved to Jennifer’s shoulder as they watched the couple walk away. Watched them thread their way through the crowd and then disappear into the heaving boardwalk. “What the hell was all that about?” Jennifer looked all shook up beside him, so Billy turned to her. “You alright? I should have said something when he grabbed you. I don’t know though- I thought he knew you.”

“He didn’t.” She’d gone clammy. Stared after them. “Billy, he...”

“What is it?”

Jennifer quickly bottled up. “Nothing. You’ll think I’m stupid if I say it.”

“No, I won’t.” Billy pressed her for more. “What is it, Jen?”

“He just felt... _wrong_.” Came the confession, and both teens jumped when the rambling preacher let out an insidious yell behind them. Drained Jennifer of any color she had left so Billy swept her along the boardwalk. “Forget about it, okay? I’m just being paranoid. Guy creeped me out and now I’m being-”

Billy stopped to push a lit cigarette into her hand. “You’re sweating.”

“It’s a hot night, isn’t it?” She caught his expression and shook her head to show him his concern was futile. “I’m fine, Billy. Really. Now, where are we going?” He’d led her off the boardwalk and onto the sand. “Swimming?”

“You haven’t got your suit.” He knew what her answer would be.

“Who needs a suit?...You’re taking me under the pier?”

“Used to come here all the time, remember?” Billy stole back her half-smoked cigarette to drag on it himself. Leaned against the damp pilings while Jennifer entered and took in the space around them: The darkness of it. The hushed secrecy. The cool thrill of being down there while the footsteps of tourists and chattering families rattled above her head. For a moment, Jennifer looked pleased, then turned sullen and dark. Blinked once. Then blinked many times.

“What are you doing, Billy?” She spoke slowly. Trying to keep it together.

“What’d you mean?” He actually had the nerve to look surprised.

“You know what I mean.” She stepped over a beer can and came to him with her arms folded. “I said, what are you doing? Bringing me here? To our old make out spot? I mean, Christ, Billy we used to get high right over there-” She pointed fiercely, her jewelery jangling. “What’s with all the memory jogging?”

“Memory jogging, Fi?” She wore a beautifully pained expression on her face as she stared at him. Lips pursed. Plum colored in this light. Her hair, a dark cloud around her head. He longed to snatch his fingers out and pull on one of those pretty curls. Illicit some cry or sound that he could muffle with a kiss. Fall onto his knees with her on the sand. Press her into it while she pulled him down...

“Stop looking at me like that.” Jennifer backed away because there was just something about his look; A look she would have returned if she was standing any closer. Close enough to feel his heart beating through his shirt. “And stop calling me Fi. I thought I told you not to call me that anymore.”

“Oh, that’s right.” A fierce glow burned bright when he dragged on his smoke. Eyes flashing as they slid to her. Cocky. “You’re too grown up for that now.”

“Can’t be a Lost Boy forever, Billy.” Her tone was almost haughty as she answered him. Her chin tipped high. “We’ve all got to grow up eventually.”

“But not yet,” he said. And his tone softened. “I promise you, Jen. You’ll be sitting there on a porch when you’re eighty, and you’ll be wishing you’d-”

“Wishing I’d what? Fucked you one last time?” Her eyes blazed at him as his own stare turned cold. Unflinching as she ranted. “That’s what you want me to say, isn’t it? That’s what you’ve been trying to get me to admit all night- that I still want you. That I’d still fuck you if I was given half the chance.”

“And do you?” Billy’s voice was level. “Still want me, I mean.”

“It doesn’t matter, does it?”

“Of course it matters.”

“No, it doesn’t.” Her own voice had leveled off now too. “It doesn’t matter one bit because it can’t happen. I can’t have you. You can’t have me. You _had_ me. You had me right there and you tossed me aside because you were too scared to let me help you. Told me to go fuck myself, so that’s on you. It’s _all_ on you.”

Billy wanted to punch something because she didn’t look angry anymore. Now she just looked sad. And then he wanted to pound at the floor until his knuckles bled, because he knew he’d made her that way. That part really was on him.

“Can I ask you something?”

She looked agonized, but nodded anyway. “What is it, Billy?”

“Why’d you marry him?”

Jennifer’s eyes slid behind him to the wall. “Because he was there that night and you weren’t,” she said. Answered him slowly like it hurt to say. “I left that stupid dance and I went to the Slow Club. You know, that sleazy little dive up on Lynch St? And so I wandered on in and I was still in my dance dress, and I was crying my eyes out because even though we weren’t together anymore, it still killed me to see you with her. _With_ _Monica_. And I know you did it just to spite me. And maybe after all that, I wanted to spite you too.”

“By marrying him?”

“ _By fucking him_.” Somehow, that was worse for him to hear. “Fucked him that night in the backseat of his car.” Jennifer shrugged. Shot him a shameless look. “And why the hell shouldn’t I have? I’d known him all my life. He was safe. He made me laugh. He made everything better...He _makes_ everything better.”

The girl fell quiet and the two teens stared at one another. There was total silence now, apart from the roar of the sea and the whirlwind of chatter on the pier above them. Jennifer pressed her lips together and clasped the flowing fabric of her skirt. Bunched it tight into her palm and looked pained.

“I should go,” she said flatly, at last. “Mom won’t want Leo late back tonight.”

“It’s not even late.” Billy casually tossed the cigarette into the damp sand. Saw her eyes flickering to the spot where it had landed, then quickly back up to him.

“It’s late enough, I think,” she said. And she was right about that because it _was_ late. It was _too_ late. Too fucking late to be saying all of the things he’d tried to say to her tonight. “I’m sorry, Billy. But I have to go find my brother now-”

“Jennifer, wait.” Billy caught her arm when she tried to leave and pushed her back against the wall. Not hard. Watched her mouth open and close again in surprise. “Just- let me try something, okay?” Feet shifted towards her and knees touched again. “I’ll do it once and if you don’t like it, I promise I’ll never-”

“What are you doing, Billy?” A curl had slipped down over his forehead. So she surprised him by sweeping it aside. Stared at him with her lips parted. 

“I’m going to kiss you,” he said.

“You can’t.”

“Why not? Don’t you want to?”

“It doesn’t matter what I-”

“Stop saying that!” He held her by the arms. “Stop saying it doesn’t matter.”

Jennifer sighed and tipped her head back against the cool, damp wall. Drank him in; All that leather and denim and the warm scent of his cologne. The glint of his earring and the strange paleness of his face in the dim light. Jennifer held her breath when he moved his head closer. Felt his hair on her cheek.

“Tell me to stop,” he murmured to her quietly. “And I will.”

Jennifer didn’t say anything, so Billy took it as an invitation to inch closer. Bent his head forward until his nose was sweeping against hers. Until their heads were touching again like they’d touched on the boardwalk. Until they were breathing each other in. Waiting for him to move and fill that space between them. 

And then he did. 

“I can’t, Billy.” Jennifer made a sound at the last minute and turned her face away. Billy’s forehead slumping instead to rest against the curve of her shoulder. She heard a sigh leave his nose and her palms found the back of his head. Cupped the heat there. “I’m sorry. Can’t we just-”

“Yeah.” He answered before she could finish. Voice muffled against her hair as he sighed into her. “I know what you’re going to say, Jen. You want me to be your friend and I-” Billy straightened slowly. Pulled back to see her. “I can’t.”

“Is it that hard?” She whispered. “Is it that hard for you to just-”

“I’ve tried,” he cut in.

“ _So try harder_.” It came out harsher than she’d liked and she saw his eyes flash, turning her head away to sigh. “Billy, it’s too late and you know it’s too late. You should have said all that stuff to me weeks ago, and maybe then I wouldn’t have-” She broke off to sigh a second time. Wet her lips. “Come onto the boardwalk with me,” she said. “We’ll find Max and Leo, and we’ll go on all the rides until we throw up. We’ll eat cotton candy and we’ll just...”

“Be friends?” He gave her another exhausted look.

“You’ve been doing so well at it up until now.” She smiled at him that time, waiting until he returned it. “You’ll go to heaven for sure,” she said sweetly. 

“Fuck heaven.” He cocked his head. “But for you...”

Then. 

That was when she saw it. The child’s face. Behind his shoulder. The flutter of white fabric and the blur of tiny red shoes. The pale, inquisitive face that peered at her, only to turn and disappear again behind the pilings. 

Jennifer’s heart stilled and her words caught in her throat. The name that she longed to utter caught too. Billy stared at her and touched her arm. 

Brought her back to him. “You alright?

“ _What_?” She stared at the space where the child had been. Touched her temple. “I’m fine,” she breathed. “I just thought that I-” 

“What?” Billy looked behind him too. Saw nothing. “What is it?”

“It’s...” Jennifer’s eyes slid slowly to meet his. Composed herself. “It’s nothing,” she sighed. “I just...thought I saw something, that’s all. But it doesn’t matter.” She found his arm and clung to it. Curling fingers into leather as she hurried him out and back onto the sand. Up once more onto the crowded boardwalk. 

“Let’s find the kids, okay?” She sensed Billy turning to her slowly. 

“You sure you’re alright?”

“Everything’s fine, Billy.” She said it so easily. It surprised her. She leaned into his arm as she said it. “Let’s just try and have some fun, okay?”

Jennifer didn’t think one more lie would hurt tonight. 


	7. Vanilla Skies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is half the length that I wanted it to be, but it’s honestly been a really busy week and I still wanted to push something out for you guys. Lots of turning points for Jennifer in this chapter though. More Billy in the next part, I promise :):) Thanks a lot for reading xoxo
> 
> TW: Gaslighting. Sexual References. Tommy is a grade A asshole in this chapter.

“Your name’s being called.” Tommy’s fingers on her arm brought her back to him. Brought her back to that pale, washed-out waiting room and fluorescent lights. “You want me to come in with you?” He half rose in his seat as if he expected her to say yes. “You were miles away just then. Where’d you go?”

“Inside that painting.” Jennifer’s eyes slid to the creamy colored landscape on the office wall. A copy of a Monet that she didn’t know the name for. “Will you watch my purse?” She kissed him quickly on the mouth when Fox Lewinsky opened his door. Stepped aside to beckon her in. “I won’t be long, okay?”

“I’ll be right outside, Jen.” Tommy saw her in and then sat back to smoke.

“You look very nice tonight.” Her father-in-law watched her settle. Clasped his palms. Surveyed her over his desk. “Going somewhere special this evening?”

“Tommy’s taking me out.” Jennifer tucked her ankles and smoothed her skirt proudly. Looked grown up in black velvet and pantyhose. “Says he’s got a table booked at Dorsia. Although God knows how he managed a thing like that.”

“Sounds to me like he must have pulled a few strings,” Fox said, leaning back into his seat to smile. “I guess it pays to know people who know people.”

“I guess it does,” she agreed.

“And how’ve you been since our last discussion? Tommy says you’ve been having headaches, is that true?” As he said it, a headache began to pulse at the back of her eyes. Jennifer winced. “How long do they usually last?”

“Not very long. Tommy says they’ll fade in a couple of weeks. Says it’s the medication that does it...” Jennifer watched him carefully and rubbed her eyes. Pressed her lips at him. “I was wondering if I could ask you a stupid question?”

“I don’t believe in stupid questions,” he said.

“Then...” She suddenly seemed to falter. “Do you promise not to laugh at me?”

“Now Jennifer, be serious.” The man cast her a solemn look across the desk, and she slipped back into her seat to sigh. Thought of the little brown-haired girl in the floaty white dress. Red slippers on her pale feet.

Jennifer wiped her palms on her knees. Slick. “Is there any way that the medication could be...making me ‘ _see_ ’ things?”

“What kind of things?” There was no panic or surprise in Fox’s voice. Just serenity. “Have you been seeing things, Jennifer?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe. I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure?”

“I only mean that...I can’t be entirely positive.”

“Well...what is it that you think you saw?”

Carefully, she raised her eyes to him. “I saw Laura.”

“You saw Laura?” Fox leaned closer to see her face.

Jennifer nodded. “At the beach concert last week. She was just like I remember...only she was a little older. She was so lovely though, and I-”

“Did she say anything to you?”

“No. She was just standing there.” A sigh left her lips at the memory. “I guess having her speak to me was too much of a challenge for my imagination.”

“What makes you so sure this was your imagination?”

“Because I don’t believe in ghosts,” she answered firmly. “I hate the idea of them. And if I’m being honest with you, I hate the idea of Laura being a ghost even more. So yes, I would rather have you call me crazy and tell me that the little girl is just a figment of my imagination than to have you tell me that she’s-”

“Real?”

“Yes.” Jennifer pressed her lips at him. “ _Real_.”

At that, Fox got up and began to stroll the room. Stood at the window with his hands behind his back. Jennifer saw the evening sunlight filtering in through the blinds. Vanilla skies like in the painting. Criss crossing his face in shadow.

“I think you better wait outside a moment,” he said calmly, and he crossed to usher her to the door. Called for Tommy in the hall. “Just take a seat for me, okay, Jennifer? Everything’s fine. I just need to talk to my son for a-”

“Have I said something wrong?” She tried to catch her husband’s hand as he slipped by her. Sank in bewilderment into a nearby chair. “Tommy?”

“Five minutes, Jen.” He promptly shut the door.

Jennifer sat still and tried to make sense of the urgent whirlwind of voices in the next room. A minute passed. Then two. Then three. Then four.

It was half an hour later when the door finally opened again and Tommy came out, followed by Fox who stood smiling in the doorway. Jennifer sprang up from her chair and didn’t say anything. Simply waited for them to speak.

“I want you to keep taking your medication like you normally would.” Fox’s voice was calm as Tommy pushed her coat around her. Slipped her purse into her numbed hands. “You don’t have to worry about a thing, you understand?”

“But what’s-” She let Tommy take her arm. Pull her along. “What about the-”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

It was all he offered so Jennifer stopped to stare at him. Turned to Tommy who was watching his father with a deadpan look. Didn’t say anything either.

“What the hell is going on?” She pleaded. Grew hot and could hardly breathe. “Will somebody please just tell me what the hell just-”

“We’re going to be late for our dinner reservation.” Tommy curled his fingers around her arm again and swept her along. Down the stairs and out into the parking lot. To his waiting car. “Don’t forget to put your seat belt on or you’ll-”

“Tommy.” She grabbed at him fiercely. “What was that in there?”

“Don’t, Jennifer.” There was a strange look on his face as he leaned over to buckle her in. Kept his arm around her lap as he stared at her. Then kissed her once on the mouth. “Don’t ask me to try and explain it to you. Because I can’t.”

“But why not?” She knew it was stupid to expect an answer.

She asked him again anyway.

Tommy hit the gas to go and the marbled skies rushed by them through the windows; Candy pinks and yellow vanilla. Iced all prettily like a birthday cake.

Jennifer pressed back into the seat and touched her husband’s arm. Waited for him to turn to her and ask her what was wrong. “Put your seat belt on,” she reminded him, and Tommy just scoffed and buckled up. Drove to dinner.

\---

“I think I’ll be dreaming about that cheesecake for the rest of my life.” Jennifer was swaying as Tommy walked her from the car to their front door. Black heels clicking on concrete. “That’s the best cheesecake I’ve ever had.”

“I think you must’ve said that about a million times since we left the restaurant.” Tommy stopped to put the key in the door. Turned over his shoulder to see an elderly neighbor stood watching them across the street. “Nice night, Ms. Day,” he called out. “A little late in the evening to be watering your roses though.”

“My roses don’t know the difference,” the woman sniffed rudely.

“Yes, I suppose that’s true.” Tommy only smiled at her. Polite as ever.

“She only stands like that so she can spy on everybody.” Jennifer stretched to whisper it into Tommy’s ear as they went inside. Fell back with a small giggle against the papered wall. “Nosy old bag. Reminds me of Mr. Houseman.”

“Who’s Mr. Houseman?” Tommy helped her out of her coat.

“Old man who lives across the street from my mom’s house.” She touched her lips. “Somehow always seems to know we’ve got mail before we do.”

“Sounds like Ms. Day alright.” Tommy stepped back to smile at her. Appreciated that she was making an effort tonight. Not bringing up the events from his father’s office. “You want something to eat before we go up?”

“Cheesecake?” She laughed at her own joke and slipped out of her shoes. Seemed significantly smaller as she leaned there against the wall.

“You’re drunk.” Tommy watched her with an amused look. Crossed his arms. “How much have you had to drink tonight?”

“Not so much that you have to feel guilty about kissing me.” Jennifer backed her way up the stairs in her stockinged feet. Fancy gold jewelry caught the hall light. She began to pull the pins from her hair as he followed behind. A tipsy smile on her flushed face. “But...enough for me to feel like I’m having fun.”

“That’s charming,” he remarked.

“Oh but I didn’t mean it like that.” Jennifer bobbed a little when they reached the bedroom. Seemed to curtsy right there on the carpet. “I just meant that I...”

“I know what you meant.” Tommy spoke for her when she trailed off. Came closer to fill the gap and kiss his way along her bare shoulder. Jennifer stayed still and let his hands wander. Find the zipper under her arm to tug it down.

“Do you love me? Am I perfect?” Jennifer shivered when his fingers pressed into her hips. Whispered his answer into her ear. “Are you going to fuck me?”

“That depends.” Another whisper followed. “Do you want me to?”

There was a slow pause as if she was struggling to hear him.

“Yes. Okay.” The dress fell to the floor and she stepped out of it. Swayed a little on the carpet as she stared at him. Then reached out and took his hand to pull it to her breast. Held it there. “You can kiss me if you like,” she said.

Tommy barely had time to move before she was kissing him herself. Slowly and uncertainly, as if she was naively kissing a man for the first time. Jennifer’s mouth suckled at his jaw. His eyes. His neck. The warm skin of his collarbone that she could reach through his shirt. She began to unbutton it and smiled coyly. Watched him watching her. Then bent her dark head to kiss the apple-sweet hairs of his chest. Dragged her mouth across his hot stomach.

“We can have some fun first, can’t we?” Jennifer dropped to her knees and began to fumble awkwardly with his belt. Tongue slipping in her concentration as she tugged his zipper down. Managed to smile girlishly at the achievement and rocked back onto her heels. “I’ll be so good to you, you’ll love me forever.”

“I’ll already love you forever... _Don’t do that_.” Tommy stopped her when she bowed her head. Fingers in her hair as he arched her neck. Arched it so that she was gazing up at him, wild curls spilling down her back. Looking like a Biblical temptress. Delilah came to mind. “Just kiss me,” he said.

“ _On your mouth_?” She was teasing him. Trying to bring her lips back down to his stomach, so he dragged her head back up again. Snagged on her hair until she was moving back up to him. Crawling up the length of his torso like a lizard. Slipping her tongue into his mouth with an exaggerated moan.

Tommy lost it when she slipped her hand beneath his belt. Touched him there so that his own head tipped involuntarily back. His eyes fluttered closed without meaning to, and Jennifer watched him with a curious, drunken smile. Watched him like a cat who knew exactly what she was doing; Bringing him up, then bringing him down again. Watching him struggle, climb and build. Watching the sweat form on his brow. Waited until he was almost there. Almost there. Then slackened her grip like it made her laugh to see him tumble back down again.

“You’re a siren.”

“Tell me what you want, Tommy...” Pleased, she wound her arms around him as he backed her up slowly against the bed. Pressed her down into it while she whined needily and pushed her hips up into his hand. “Tell me what you-”

“I’m not going to beg you, Jennifer.” He put his hand between her legs and felt her twitching there beneath him. Pressed a thumb against her so she jerked with a gasp. Bit her lip. “And you’re not going to beg me for it either...”

“I’ll beg if you want me to.” She clung to him, but the amusement in her eyes died down when she saw his face, and Jennifer promptly stopped moving. Lay still and seemed hurt. “For Christ’s sake...just fuck me then.”

She turned her face away and sighed like a spoiled child. A spoiled child who’d been told she wasn’t allowed to play her favorite game anymore.

“Don’t sulk with me, Jennifer.” Tommy kissed her sweetly behind her ear. Tried to coax a smile from her as he knelt there between her thighs. “Right now?”

“Yes. Right now.” She sighed again like she was waiting for him to get on with it. Lay there stoically and quietly, like a good Victorian wife who was thinking of England. Made a small sound when he entered her but was otherwise silent after that. Dark eyes fixed with a liquid look on the wall behind his head.

Tommy remembered their first time. In the backseat of his car in the club parking lot. Her dress pushed up so he could slip his fingers between her thighs. Watch her mouth open and shut. Her eyes widen as she stared at him. He remembered the way she suckled on his fingers when he was fucking her afterward. Tasting herself. Knuckle deep. Quivering underneath him.

It wasn’t anything like they were doing now.

“Tommy?” Jennifer gasped his name only when he quickened his pace towards the end. Buried his face into her neck with a guttural groan to breathe her in; The smell of her apple shampoo and her salty sweat. The alcohol on her breath. “Tommy, I have to tell you…”

“What?” he managed to say. Gripped the board tighter behind her head.

“I just wish…”

“What’s the matter?”

_“I just wish we didn’t have to have a baby.”_

Tommy came undone right as she said it. Came loudly while Jennifer grimaced and stifled a noise behind her hand. Lay still until he’d recovered and tipped over onto his back. Reached for a cigarette that he didn’t bother to offer her.

“You’re drunk,” he said, lighting up. “Can’t we talk about this in the morning?”

“Well, why can’t we talk about it now?” Jennifer pushed to her elbows and covered herself with the sheet. Watched him smoking. “Tommy, I just think-”

“I just think you’ve had a little too much to drink tonight, okay?” His voice was sharp and irritable like he suddenly had a headache of his own. Pinched at the bridge of his nose. “Just...go to sleep, alright? Whatever this is, I’m sure we-”

“There are things we can do now,” Jennifer cut in. Touched his arm and sidled closer to kiss his cheek. “If it’s about wearing rubbers, Tommy, then there are other options, you know? I’ve read up on this stuff. There are pills you can take. Medication. And there’s the diaphragm, and there’s even this little-”

“You’ve been to the doctor’s about this?”

“Well...yes.” She pressed her lips into an unconvincing smile. “You can get flyers for just about anything there. And you know, with the Pill it’s just a matter of taking one little dose with your morning coffee, and it’s like magic...”

“ _The_ _Pill_? Jen, what are you-” Tommy sighed and looked confused. “We talked about this, didn’t we? Don’t you remember? When we first got married, we said that we’d start trying for a baby right away. You told me that you wanted one-”

“I said I wanted a baby ‘ _one day_ ’. Tommy, I didn’t mean that I wanted one right now.” Jennifer clung to his arm and peppered kisses all over him. Pretended not to notice how begrudgingly he took them. “Tommy, I’ll give you a baby. I’ll give you two if you want but I don’t- I _can’t_ have a baby right now.”

He peered at her suspiciously and took her arm. “Have you done something?”

“No, of course not.” She shook her head. Tried a smile. “Of course not, I just-

“Just what?”

“I just really think we should talk about this.”

“And we will,” he said firmly. Rolled over. “Tomorrow.”

"But I didn’t...” Jennifer squirmed beside him in the bed. “But I didn’t get to-”

“ _What_?” He actually snapped it at her that time. Made her flinch when he turned to spit it into her face. “What the hell is the matter now, Jennifer?”

“I didn’t get to come,” She fired back angrily. Her eyes blazing. “But then again, I guess that’s not terribly important to you if we’re just fucking for the sake of fucking procreation-” She jerked her arm away when Tommy caught hold of her. Scooted back against the headboard to scowl. “Jesus Christ. You know, sometimes you can be such a fucking piece of-”

“ _A fucking piece of what_?” He was daring her to finish it but there was a glint in his eyes that warned her not to. A tiny, red hot spark she’d never seen before. A spark she was hesitant to drop should she set the whole damn bed on fire.

Jennifer didn’t say anything. The evening’s spell had been abruptly broken.

“That’s what I thought.” Tommy finished smugly and reached over for the light. Plunged the whole room into darkness. “Now go to sleep, Jennifer. It’s late.”

Jennifer remained there by the headboard and didn’t move. Pushed her fist up into her mouth and smothered all the things she was too at loss with to say to him. Thought that if she really listened hard enough, she could still hear Ms. Day outside, pensively watering the roses.

\---

“I called my mom. She said I could stay for dinner so long as I’m home before eight.” Max came back into the kitchen to see Jennifer bent over the oven. Two bubbling cherry pies swaddled between her gloves. “It’s really nice of you to offer. Are you sure you don’t mind me staying?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I don’t mind.” Jennifer stepped back to admire her handiwork. Hands on her hips so the redhead did the same. “It’s not like there isn’t plenty of food to go around. Tommy won’t be home until late, and to be honest I could do with the company.” Jennifer turned then to busy herself at the counter. Laughed breezily. “You have no idea how lonely it is living on this damn street, Max. Honestly. It’s not like anybody wants to talk to you unless it’s for gossiping, or if they’re trying to bully you into painting your door the same pebble black as everybody else. I mean...what the hell is all that about? Pebble black? Black is black. There’s no shade darker than black so I don’t see how-”

“I’ve finished laying the table.” Leo came in proudly to hover in the doorway. Watched his sister plating up the steaming vegetables.

“That’s great,” she said, too busy to look up. “Now go do it again.”

“You want me to do it again?”

“Yes. You’ll have put the knives and forks the wrong way around. Just like you always do.” Jennifer pushed the meatloaf into Max’s hands and the two girls carried the food in. Saw that she was right. “You see? Didn’t I tell you?”

“Sorry.” The boy corrected his mistake and sat down. Shot up again when his sister swatted at him to move his comic book.

“No reading at the table, okay? Especially not when you’ve got guests.”

Leo protested weakly. Clung onto it. “But I wasn’t even reading it.”

“It was by your elbow. Don’t you have any manners?” Jennifer slipped the comic onto the sideboard behind her. Glanced briefly at the title while the two children began eating. “ _The Monsters of Montauk?_ What’s that about?”

“Some government experiment they did in the fifties.” Leo speared a carrot tip with his fork and shoveled the whole thing into his mouth. Chewed noisily. “At first I thought it was all made up. But then we looked into it at the Library and-”

“It’s all true,” Max jumped in. “Or it’s rumored to be, at least.”

“Things like faking the moon landings. And the American government actually being the ones that killed JFK...” Leo went on anyway when he saw his sister’s face. “But there’s loads of other stuff in there too,” he insisted. “Things like making Super Soldiers. And Time Travel. And people having psionic abilities-”

“Like that kid in The Shining?” Jennifer hummed with amusement as she continued to eat. Sipped from her water. “Well, I guess if it gets you reading...”

“It’s not just in Montauk that these things are supposed to have happened in.” Max explained excitedly. “We looked it up, didn’t we? There’s things that have gone on here too, right in Santa Carla. Dallas from the comic store says that-”

“Wait a minute.” Jennifer stopped eating. “Who’s Dallas?”

“Some kid who works at the comic store,” the redhead repeated. “Says that Sandbank was responsible for his Uncle going missing in the sixties. Says it’s all there in the old papers if you look hard enough. You’ve just got to want to-”

"So he’s the one putting all of these ideas in your head?” Jennifer sighed and picked up her fork again. Looked displeased. “He shouldn’t be scaring you like that. It’s wrong.”

“It’s not wrong, Jen.” Leo piped up. “It’s all true. Honest.”

“Time Travel?” His sister raised her eyes to smile at him patiently. “Girls like Carrie White wandering around in little nighties? Come on, Leo...”

“But there’s stuff you can read,” he insisted. “It’s all in the papers.”

“And exaggerated to shit, no doubt. It’s all scaremongering nowadays.”

“But this stuff was years ago,” he said. “When Fox Lewinsky used to work at the Base.” Leo quickly stopped talking when Jennifer’s eyes stilled on him.

“Don’t be silly.” She stopped to wipe her mouth with a napkin. Frowned at him across the table. “Fox has never worked at the Base, Leo. He’s a doctor. He’s always been a doctor. And he’s always had his Practice over on Main Street.”

“This was before he got fired,” Max jumped in.

“ _Fired_? Well, if that were true then I would know about it, wouldn’t I?”

“Then...how come you didn’t?”

“Because, I-” For a moment, Jennifer looked flustered and unable to answer. Then rose gratefully at the sound of the front door opening. Spied her husband coming in from the hallway and looked surprised. “Tommy?” The couple stared at each other from across the room. “What are you doing home so early?”

Tommy cleared his throat. “Thought I’d bring you some flowers and I’d...” He trailed off awkwardly and gestured around him to Max and Leo. “I didn’t know you were having the kids over after school. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have-”

“Bothered?” Max winced because Jennifer sounded so scraping.

“ _Come_ _so early_ ,” he said. Stared hard at his wife. “Don’t I even get a kiss?”

Jennifer wavered, but then sighed and went around the table towards him. Let him bend her back over his arm while he pressed the pink and white roses into the back of her head. Kissed her so intimately that Max and Leo looked away.

“I didn’t save you any meatloaf.” Jennifer was breathless when she returned to her seat. Blushing deeply as she resumed her meal. “But there’s plenty of pie.”

“I’ll just have some of that later then.” Tommy stayed there on the rug.

“Right. Okay.”

“And did you have a good day at work?” He gestured again when he saw her uniform. “Not too busy, I mean? You weren’t rushed off your feet or anything...”

“It wasn’t so bad.” Jennifer eyed her plate. “Never is on a Wednesday though.”

“No. You’re probably right.”

“And of course it was only a half-shift.” She raised her head to him that time and met his gaze. Tommy looked like he was biting his tongue. “But I told you that this morning, _remember_?” It was a deliberate dig. And they all winced.

“I heard you.” Her husband’s eyes were like steel. “I remember you telling me.”

“Good,” she said. “Because sometimes it’s like you don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Hear me.”

Tommy stopped to run his tongue over his teeth. Stared at her. Then gestured with the flowers to the hallway. Seemed to be humming. No, _vibrating_ with irritation. And Max picked up on it straight away. Could practically smell it.

“Can we talk about this outside if you’ve got something to say?”

“Not really, no. I’m a little busy having dinner at the minute.”

Max smelled it stronger then; That wiry, metallic scent that men gave off when they were angry. Smelling like blood. Like wet, hot blood on a sidewalk corner. Splashes of it in the bathroom sink. Marbled water. Streaked red and stinking of copper. Hitting the back of her throat and turning her stomach sour.

She turned her head to see if Leo or Jennifer had noticed it too, but they were both looking down and seemed to be none the wiser. Perhaps she was the only one who had the nose for it. Perhaps she was the only one who’d ever smelled it strong enough before to know what it was: Broken glass and testosterone. Sex.

“What’s the matter, kid?” Tommy caught her staring and shot her a confused and quizzical look across the room. Would have made anybody else squirm, but not her. Not Max. “Did you...want something?”

“Just another water, please.” Max waved her empty glass and Tommy sighed but came forward to take it. Disappeared into the kitchen and brought it back, refilled. She allowed herself to pause for a moment as he stood by her to stare at the flowers in his hand; A spray of bent spines and bruised pink petals. Crumpled from where he’d crushed them against the back of Jennifer’s skull.

“Your water?” Tommy’s hand wavered when she didn’t take it straight away.

“Thank you, Mr. Lewinsky.” Max didn’t think the stink of wet copper was as strong anymore. Suddenly, all she thought she could smell was pie.


	8. Spanish Caravan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, all! Pushed this chapter out a little earlier, because it’s just been that kind of week. Productive as hell, and I feel like I’m really on a roll. Thank you to everyone but @stanbillyhargrove especially, for teaching me how to play pool!  
> TW: Mention of physical/emotional abuse. Underage smoking. Sexual references.

Over the next few days, Max found herself thinking only of Jennifer. Jennifer, languishing away in that pristine little cul-de-sac. Hedged in by the painted white fence and the creeping red roses that clustered around the door. Kept her in. Imagined her gliding around the house in gossamer, while she waited for her husband to come home. Planting flowers and baking pies. Sitting pretty.

“Can I have one?” Max caught Billy in the garage one evening before dinner. Dressed down and in his undershirt. Smoking a cigarette while he leaned way too close into the hood of his car. Glanced up when her shadow filled the door.

“Don’t they teach you not to smoke at school?” He lit up for her anyway as he said it. Pushed a stick into her hand and beckoned her to one side. “Is my dad home yet? He’ll kill me if he sees you puffing on one of these.”

“He’s not home. Mom says he’s stopping by at the video store.” Max tried to exhale the way Billy did. Copied him. “Says we’re having some family time.”

“Oh, Jesus. Fuck that.”

A scratch tickled at the back of her throat and Max turned to cough into her sleeve. Earned an eye-roll from Billy as he stared at her. “Yeah. Fuck that.”

Billy suppressed a smile. “What’s got you all self-destructive anyway? Not like little Maxine to be begging for smokes. Not since you threw up on New Year’s.”

“That didn’t have anything to do with the cigarettes.” Color bloomed in the girl’s cheeks when he tugged on one of her braids. “It was mom’s trifle.”

“Sure it was. So what’s eating you?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“It’s Jennifer.”

“ _My_ Jennifer?”

She didn’t bother commenting on the possessive pronouns. Held back from laughing at just how bad he’d got it. “I went to her house for dinner last week.”

“So I heard.” White smoke billowed petulantly from Billy’s lips when he answered. Seemed to be envious about something. “Sent you home with a pie, didn’t she? Never thought I’d see the day Jennifer Beaumont got into baking.”

“ _Jennifer Lewinsky_.” She corrected him. “And that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” Max had caught his attention so she went on after another drag. “You’re playing with fire sneaking around with her. You know that?”

“Sneaking around?” Billy scoffed. “I haven’t laid a finger on her... _Not yet_.”

His stepsister could only roll her eyes at that. Flicked ash into a container. “Let me remind you that she’s married, Billy. She’s got a husband.”

“So what?” He was unforgivably shameless. “I can take care of the Suit.”

“Maybe so. But can Jennifer?”

He turned his head to see her then. “How’d you mean?”

“Tommy Lewinsky. I don’t like him. And not just because he drives a Ford and looks like he gets all of his suits from Macy’s.” Max sighed and pictured blood bubbling up from a freshly baked pie. Cherry red and smelling sour. “There’s something about him. Something I can’t put my finger on. He makes her sad. I know he does. She was sad at that dinner and she was trying to pretend like she wasn’t.” She sighed a second time and shook her head. “Billy, he...”

“What is it, Max?”

“He just feels _wrong_ ,” came her confession. “There’s no other way to explain it. He’s like pie except he’s all black and burnt underneath. Looking one way but actually being another. And if you’re risking it all by going behind his back, then just think about how it’ll all be handled when it gets found out. Because it will.”

Billy went quiet and stared off into space. Smoked thoughtfully. “You think he’s hurting her? I mean, hurting her the way my dad hurts...”

“I don’t know. I don’t think she was scared of him. But maybe that’s worse.”

“How is that worse?” He frowned.

“Because she thinks she’s safe with him and maybe she isn’t.”

There was a long beat while Billy let that sink in. “Shit.” He broke from Max when he heard his father’s pick-up truck come peeling into the driveway. Snatched her cigarette and dashed it out onto the paint-splattered floor.

“You could get into that house whenever you wanted to though, right?” He pointed out enviously, scratching his chin while he waited for his father to pass by. “You’ll keep an eye on her for me, Max, won’t you? Make sure she isn’t-”

“I can keep an eye on her,” she said. Shrugged easily like it was no biggie. Not for her. Not for Mad Max. “I’m just warning you to be careful, that’s all.”

“Careful?” Billy scoffed and snuffed out his smoke. Crushed it deliberately beneath the toe of his boot. “Careful, Max? Careful is my middle name.”

\---

“Billy.” Jennifer answered the door the next morning in her nightie. Rose pink and ankle-length. Hellishly expensive looking. Clung to her like a second skin as she stood there blinking at him. “What are you doing here? It’s barely eight.”

“Tommy at work, Fi?” He already knew the answer because his car wasn’t on the drive. Had sat back twenty minutes earlier and watched the asshole leave himself. Gave a short grunt of surprise when she took him by the collar and yanked him inside. Shut the door. “Little rough today, huh? Can’t say I hate it.”

“Shut up.” Jennifer let go of him and backed away. Stood barefoot on the floral hall rug. “People can’t see you here. You know that, right?” 

“Is your street really that eager to pry?”

“Yes, actually.” Her bangs were all askew like she’d been tossing and turning all night. Billy’s fingers itched to reach out and sweep them aside. Resisted. “They thrive on their gossip, you know. These Karen’s and Debbie’s and Marion’s practically can’t live without it. And the pretty blonde Adonis who keeps shadowing my door is going to give them plenty to talk about.”

“You think I’m pretty?” Billy’s stomach leapt when she rolled her eyes at him. Tugged his mouth into a smirk that made her squirm and look away. Watched her flushing, girlish and pink on the rug. “You want me to go, Jen?”

Of course, she didn’t. That much was clear in the look she gave him. 

“Actually, I was just about to make some breakfast.” She dared herself to raise her eyes. Tipped her chin up too. “Would you like some? I’m making frittata.”

“I already ate.” Billy grinned anyway and followed her through into the kitchen. Stood back to watch as she bent down beneath the counter for a whisk and a bowl. “But I’ve got room. Guess those cornflakes didn’t fill me up much.”

“You know as well as I do you could eat half your body weight before you got full.” Jennifer was smiling as she hunted for tomatoes. Onion. Diced them on the counter with a fat bladed knife. “Sometimes I wake up so hungry in the night. Starving. It gets so bad I have to come down here and make an omelet or something. Make it go away. That emptiness. Or I’ll feel like I could die.”

Jennifer glanced up and caught him staring. Must have felt embarrassed then, because she rolled the tomato on her elbow. Smiled wickedly at the trick. 

“Will you fetch me a pan?” 

“What’s that over there?” Billy slipped her a frying pan and pointed to the door. To the mark on the wall where the plaster had dented and cracked. “Somebody slammed the door or something?” He watched her face. “Somebody got mad?”

“The trick is to use butter instead of cooking oil. Did you know that?” Jennifer set the pan on the stove and looked busy. Faltered. “I don’t remember ever seeing that mark before,” she said, slipping the eggs into the pan. “I suppose it could have happened when we were in Minnesota. Tommy rented this place out while we were away. Leased it to some students, I think. Rich kids from the city. You know how it is...I suppose one of them might have done it.”

“Did Tommy do it?” His question made her look up.

“Suppose I did it? What would you think then?”

Billy stepped closer to sweep her bangs aside. “Did you do it?”

“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging. “It could have happened anytime.” There was a beat while Jennifer tossed in grated cheese. Perked up again. “Your sister came over for dinner last week. Smart kid, isn’t she?”

“Sure is. Great at picking up on things.”

“I think she and my brother have turned into little conspirators. Kept rambling on about government experiments, and all the things that might have taken place at Sandbank...” She went quiet when Billy tucked her hair behind her ear. Inhaled like she couldn’t breathe. “They were saying something about Fox Lewinsky. Tommy’s father. Said he used to work at the Base too in the sixties.”

Jennifer went around him and began clearing up the counter. “You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

“Should I?” The smell of bubbling cheese had begun to fill the room.

She glanced up at him. Hopeful. “I just thought maybe Neil might know.”

“My dad? I can ask him if you like, but why can’t you just talk to Tommy about this?” Billy leaned back because he already knew what her answer would be. 

“You know Tommy doesn’t like to talk about his work.”

“Sure, sure. He’s the secretive type.” He almost felt bad for making her squirm about it. _Almost_. “Wanna know why I really stopped by this morning, Jen?”

“So I could impress you with my culinary skills?”

“Not quite. But it’s up there with getting to see you strut around in that little nightdress.” Billy sobered when Jennifer shot him a look. Flushed like a schoolgirl. “I was worried about you. Know why?”

“I have no idea.”

“Max said you looked upset.”

“Oh. she did?” Jennifer glanced up in surprise. Then hurriedly looked back down. “Why on earth would she think that?”

“I don’t know. Said she thought you might have had a fight or something with Tommy.” Another glance at the door for good measure. Splintered plaster where the door handle had collided. “Is everything okay?”

“God, bless her heart for worrying.” Jennifer hunted for her cigarettes and lit up. Dragged on them with hollowed cheeks. “But, no. Everything’s fine.”

Billy’s eyes settled on the red and white packet in her fist. “Since when did you smoke Marlboro’s?”

“Since I decided to stick to a brand.” Smoke bloomed when she turned away to exhale. “Actually, me and Tommy did have a fight. Lasted a couple of days but it’s all over now. He made it up to me. Bought me flowers. Bought me this-” she gestured towards her slip and looked away again like she was embarrassed to have mentioned it. “People have fights. God knows we had our fair share.”

“When we were together.”

“Yes. When we were together.” Jennifer finished her smoke and went over to the window to put it out. Stood there with the sunshine pooling in like honey behind her. The muscles of Billy’s stomach tightening involuntarily when he realized that he could see the shape of her through her nightie; The dip of her waist and the way her pelvic bones stretched against the material. Noted the details as well as he could because he knew he’d be thinking about them later.

“I have to tell you something.” Jennifer spoke then suddenly, as if she had misinterpreted his stare for something else. An invitation to confess. To go on speaking. “Billy, you’re my friend aren't you?” She came closer and wound her arms around him, and he could feel her hips pressing into his jeans. Slippery satin against rough denim. Pink against blue. “And you know I’d never lie to you, right? Because I need to- because I don’t know who else I can tell.”

“Why, Jen? What’s the matter?” Dirty thoughts left his head when he heard her breath waver. Peered at her for an answer. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know...Maybe it’d be better if I just showed you.”

“Showed me what?” She was tugging at his hand now. Leading him through the living room and into the hallway. Up the stairs. They passed a bedroom with the sheets all untucked on the bed. Came into a bathroom a little further along the landing. “What is this? What are you showing me?”

“These pills.” Jennifer let go of his hand and opened a cabinet. Took out a pill bottle that rattled when she shook it. Gave it to him. “It’s diazepam. It’s what Tommy makes me take for my nightmares.”

“For your nightmares?” He stopped to stare. Pushed back against the sink. “What are you having nightmares about?”

“Does it matter? Billy, I think-” Jennifer sighed and put her hands back on the pill bottle. Watched him closely. “I think they might be making me see things,” she confessed carefully. “The other night, when we were under the pier...I saw Laura. Or at least, I thought I did. Laura as I remember her.”

“As you remember her?”

“As a little girl. Laura in a white dress and red shoes.”

Jennifer saw his face and backed up against the tub. 

“You don’t believe me, do you? Tommy didn’t either.”

“Christ, Jen. Of course, I believe you. I just-“ Billy looked confused and frowned down into his hands. Felt her eyes on him, wide and unfaltering. “Diazepam? My dad took this shit when he hurt his back last summer. Fell down the stairs and all of his muscles seized up.” He glanced up again. Saw her frowning too. “I don’t understand why he’s making you take this. It’s- it’s a hell of a strong drug and you’re so...” Billy trailed because she looked so small sitting there against the bath. “This shit’ll mess with anyone’s head.”

“So you think I’m right?” Jennifer untucked her legs and came to him. Pressed her lips into a line. “You think it’s the pills that are making me see Laura?”

“What else would it be?” She looked relieved to hear him say it. “You should stop taking these, Jen. Throw ‘em out. Your head must be all over the place.”

“Sometimes I think it is.” There was a long beat while the two of them stared at one another. Then Jennifer sprang away. “Shit, Billy. Can you smell that?”

“Smell what?” He asked. 

“My food. I think it’s burning-” Jennifer was laughing as she turned and swept her way back down the stairs. Laughing still when she reached the stove and hurried to lift the smoking pan from the burner. She turned to Billy who had followed her in. Smiled a rueful smile. “ _Sorry, honey. I burned your breakfast_.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it.” He came to peer over her shoulder. Turned his nose up at the charred remains. "I don’t think you can save it.”

“Don’t think I can save this pan either. It’s all... _gungy_ at the bottom.”

“So forget it. We’ll go out for breakfast.” Billy touched her elbow and Jennifer turned and gave him an imploring look. “My treat. What’s the matter?”

“Billy.” She only stared at him in explanation. Half wistful. Half refusing. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said carefully. “You’ve no idea what it does to me.” He touched her arm again. Saw her fingers flutter to her skirt. “If I promise to take you someplace nobody knows us...will you come?”

He saw her deliberating. Chewing on the inside of her cheek.

“Alright, Billy.” Jennifer sighed and gave in. Thrust the soiled pan into his chest. “Clean this up. And give me five minutes to get changed, okay?”

“You mean you’re not gonna let me watch?” He was joking but he caught her arm anyway as she turned to the door. Loved to watch her squirm and fake indignance. “If I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.” 

“You’re a creep and a half, Hargrove.” Jennifer was laughing as she tore her arm free. Backed up breathlessly against the door to stare. Amusement shone in her eyes. “Give me five minutes, alright? Then breakfast.”

\---

“You know Billy, when you said you were taking me out for breakfast, chilli beef soup and a bottle of beer wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.” Jennifer’s bottle came up the same time as Billy’s did. Bases clinking and then tipping as they drank with their heads back. _The Spanish Caravan_ sat on the beachfront about an hour’s drive out of town. A tiny Mexican bar owned by a Chinese man, and pretty much just a counter with no tables. There was a pool game going on in the back, while a couple of regulars sat listening to the radio. Smoking.

“You come here a lot?” Jennifer asked.

Billy drank his beer until he wasn’t thirsty anymore. Eyed Jennifer sitting there in a strappy red dress. A strappy red dress that showed off her dark hair and tan. “I guess you could say that, yeah. Used to come here all the time when Dad first married Susan. Said I was gonna move out here and get a job too.”

“What, in this place? I can’t imagine you working behind a bar.” Her fingers grazed denim when she touched his arm. “You sink beers. You don’t sell ‘em.” 

“What,” he said. “You don’t think I could do it, Lewinsky?”

“Oh, you could do it. But having the beach right there would kill you.”

“How’d you mean?” Brown beer swilled when he took another sip. 

“Well, you love the beach, don’t you? You’ve _always_ loved the beach.” Jennifer looked out over his shoulder at the beachfront. People milling in the sunshine with their families. “I just think being so close to something you love all day, and then never being able to ‘have’ it would be torture. You know what I mean?”

“You have no idea.” 

Jennifer caught his look and then caught his meaning five seconds after. Put the bottle back to her lips and drank so she didn’t have to speak. 

“I couldn’t do what you do,” he said, jumping to change the subject. “Slinging sandwiches and cherry pies all day. Pouring cups of coffee. I’d wanna be outside. Shirt off with the sun on my back. Doing something like...”

"Life guarding?” 

“Life guarding, yeah. But other stuff too. Maybe something in construction, you know? Something where you can use your hands. Work up a real sweat.”

“You wanna be a builder?” 

Billy nodded but seemed embarrassed to be admitting it. “Pretty shit I know,” he said. “It’s not up there with the scientists or the researchers, or whatever the fuck it is Tommy does for a living. But it’s- I don’t know, Jen. Work’s work.”

“Billy, I’m a waitress who doesn’t even have a high school diploma.” Jennifer sat back on her stool to laugh. Drank to that. “I work for two dollars an hour and I get most of my wages through tips. Tommy goes to work at seven every morning and sometimes he calls to say he’s missing dinner. He gets paid more than I’d ever expect to see in a lifetime, but he doesn’t get to come home with cherry pie or little napkin notes from his favorite customers. You see what I’m trying to say here? Do what makes you happy. It isn’t about the money or the prestige, or whatever bullshit people think matters.”

“You sound like Susan. That’s what she says when my dad isn’t around.”

“Well, Susan’s right,” Jennifer agreed. “You’ve got to do what makes you happy. Otherwise you’re just...living for other people.” She trailed off at that and peered hard into the bottom of her beer. Frowned. “I never told you what we were fighting about, did I? Me and Tommy? I never said.”

“No, you didn’t.” The bartender came up so Billy ordered two more beers. Kept one back for himself and slipped the other to Jennifer. “What happened?”

“Nothing happened. That’s why Tommy gets so upset.” Beer frothed over the lip of the bottle when it was cracked open. White foam hissing and spilling over the back of her hand. Jennifer slurped it up. Made Billy laugh because she did it so childishly. “He wants a baby,” she said bluntly. “He wants me to have a baby, and I- I told him I wanted to wait. That I’d give him one one day, but the truth is Billy, I don’t think I want a baby at all. Not now. Not ten years down the line when I’m nearly thirty and probably head waitress at Cutler’s diner.”

Billy didn’t say anything. Behind them, billiard balls rattled and thunked.

“I couldn’t ever have a baby,” she went on, quieter. “It’s bad enough that I’ve spent my whole life worrying about Leo. Where he is. Whether there’s anyone out there who’ll want to hurt him... _It consumes you_. The responsibility. It eats you alive until you can’t think about anything else. And having a baby of my own. To bring up and look after...I’d never forgive myself if anything happened the way it happened to Laura. I don’t know if I’d be able to stand it.”

“Have you told Tommy this?” Something sour stirred in Billy’s gut. Left a bad taste in his mouth. Jennifer only laughed and tipped back for more beer.

“Christ, no. He’d just give me a psych exam and tell me to plant more flowers or something. Paint a picture.” She laughed bitterly and rolled her fingers over her temples. Shut her eyes. “We’ve been trying since we first got married,” she confessed. “Trying and trying and trying. And last month, I went on birth control and didn’t tell him. I probably never will tell him now if you’d seen the way he reacted when I brought it up. Tommy says we’ll just carry on as normal and if it happens then it happens, but I know it’s not ever going to happen. Not as long as I’m taking those little pills everyday. And sooner or later, he’s gonna take me to a doctor’s office and try and find out what’s wrong with me. And I don’t know, Billy. Maybe there _is_ something wrong with me. Maybe there is something wrong with me if I don’t want to give my husband a baby.”

“Don’t say shit like that, okay?” Billy touched her arm and heat flooded where he pressed. “Has he said that to you? Don’t let him make you believe that shit, Jen. It’s not true.” Anger frothed and tore at the back of his throat. Made it ache. “What the hell are you doing with this guy anyway? He treats you like-”

“What am I supposed to do, Billy?” Jennifer raised her head and he saw that her cheeks were wet. Eyes shiny. Hard. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

“You know what to do.” 

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.” He thought about thumbing at that bottom lip, full and red and quivering as she tried to hold it together. Thought about leaning forward and sweeping those tears away too. Wet and salty under the pad of his thumb. “You know exactly what to do. You get the hell out of there like my mom did.”

Jennifer frowned at that. Didn’t like it. “Tommy’s not like that, Billy.” 

“No?” There was a thud when the beer bottle hit the counter. Jennifer was trying to look anywhere but at him. “You think my dad didn’t slam doors into walls to begin with? I’m telling you, Jen. That guy is bad news.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re-”

“Because I’m what?”

“ _Because you’re in love with me_ ,” she dared herself to say. “And because you’re-” Jennifer grew hot and turned away again. “This is just like what happened last time. Is that why you’re saying all of this? To get back at me?”

“No. But I’m glad you can see the irony in this too.” There was a beat as Billy scanned the bar. Tapped her elbow. “Pool table’s free. Fancy a game?”

“Can’t play.” She was sulking now. Refusing to look at him. 

Billy just caught her hand and pulled her up. “So, I’ll teach you. I’ll even play nice and let you win the first couple of rounds.” 

“Well, aren’t you a gentleman?” Jennifer stood back to watch him set up the game. Snatched for the two cue sticks leaning against the wall. Billy’s head snapped up at the question. His eyes flashing across the table to wink at her. 

“Only when it suits me,” he said. “Want me to break?”

“Go ahead.” There was a crack as the billiard balls spun across the table. Billy sank a solid and then another one. Deliberately missed on his third try. Threw his eyes up at Jennifer to stare, who was watching him with a poker face.

“Your turn.” He saw her trying to suppress a smile. 

“I told you,” she said. “I don’t know how to play.”

“Well, come over here then and I’ll show you.”

A scoff left her lips but Jennifer circled and came to stand beside him anyway. Gestured demurely with her cue stick. “Am I holding this thing right?”

“A little lower.” Billy said. Touched her arm. “Try and hold it at your hip, okay? And put your hand back. Right there.” Fingers tightened on the cue stick as he leaned by her to point. Stubbled chin sweeping against her bare shoulder. “Try and go for that red one over there. You see it?”

“Yeah, I see it.” Jennifer inhaled and resisted the urge to turn around. Felt the fingers on her waist shift slightly as she bent to the table. Eyed the ball. Pushed her wrist flat against the rail. “Do I make the shot?”

“It’s your call, Lewinsky.” Billy bent lower to put his mouth by her ear. Blew into it until she squirmed. Thought he heard her inhale sharply as she turned her face away, pulse jumping hotly in her neck. “Try not to get too distracted.”

“So stop distracting me.” A small jerk followed and she’d made the shot. Sank the ball into the left pocket. “Now what do I do? Is it still my go?”

“It is until you miss.” The two teens straightened and Billy cleared his throat. “You got the hang of it now, or do you still need my help?”

“Don’t have to sound so desperate, Hargrove.” Jennifer bounced the cue stick flat against her palm and crossed to the other side of the table. Bent with ease and lined the next shot up. Made it. Sent the next ball rocketing into the nearby pocket. “I think I’ve got it from here...I’m starting to get the hang of it.”

Billy only smiled and clicked his tongue. “You _do_ know how to play, don’t you?”

“My dad taught me before he checked out.” Jennifer stayed bent over the table as she confidently sank another ball. “But you’re totally welcome.”

\---

Roses bloomed when Billy’s Camaro pulled up outside the house later that afternoon. Yellow heat burned when the sun smiled down on them. Jennifer dawdled in the passenger seat and fidgeted with her purse. Didn’t want to go.

“Thank you.” She trailed off so wistfully when she said it. “For today.”

“All I did was take you out for a couple of beers.” Billy shrugged but turned to her sincerely. Brushed her knee with his. “You’re fucking easy to please, Jen.”

“I’m not talking about the beers.” She sighed longingly, and then without thinking, pushed forward to throw her arms around him. Burrowed her face into the warm cotton of his shirt. Hairsprayed curls tickling her cheek. “Thank you for listening to me,” she said. Voice muffled. “I know I can go on a bit.”

“So she admits it.” Billy joked. But then he grew sober. “It’s fine, Jen. I-”

“I don’t want you to worry about me. I know I got upset today but I was just ranting. I was just getting stuff off my chest and I’m- I’m happy, really.”

“Yeah.” He pressed a palm to the back of her head before she pulled away again. Watched her settle back against the window. “I know you are.”

“I mean it,” she said.

“I know you do.”

“And I-” Jennifer’s lips bloomed into a smile. “I really wish I didn’t have to go.”

“So don’t.” He caught her expression and drummed impatiently on the steering wheel. Cast her a hopeful look. “I’m serious. It’s not even three. We could have the whole of the afternoon together. Go to the beach. See a movie. We could-”

“I can’t, Billy.” She cut him off because it was much too painful to hear the rest. All those sunny afternoons that could have been. “I wish I could, but it’s- it’s late and I have things to do now. I’m sorry, okay?” She reached for her purse.

Billy stopped her. “I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

“I’ll be working.” It was much less of a blockade and more of a green light. “I have the afternoon shift. So maybe I’ll let you have lunch with me.”

“Does that mean you’ll save me a piece of pie?” He watched her climb out of the car. Red sundress swinging over tanned legs. 

“ _For you, honey_?” Elbows pressed into the open window when she turned to lean back inside. Voice lilting with a fake Southern accent. Sunny and song-like as she smiled at him. “ _I’d give you all the pie in the world._ ”

“You’re really something, you know that?” He could have kissed her then, and Jennifer just smiled as if she knew exactly what he was thinking. 

She started back towards the house. "I’ll see you later, Billy.” 

“In your dreams?” He made her stop and turn to him there. Laugh a little.

“Yes,” she said, and she was blooming still. “I’ll see you in my dreams.”

\---

Jennifer thought of Billy that night when Tommy came easing into bed to fuck her. Made out like she was sleeping because she didn’t want him to turn the light on. Wanted him to kiss her awake and ease her thighs apart himself. Slip his hands under her. Bury his face into the back of her neck.

“Tommy.” She only sighed and let him kiss her. “You’re home.”

“Sorry. I know it’s late. How was your day?”

Jennifer didn’t answer, but her eyes smiled at the wall by the bed. 

“Jesus. Fuck.” Tommy’s hands, large and strong, felt around for her face when he slipped inside. His stomach, hot and hard as a board against her back. 

Jennifer didn’t resist him. Tipped her head to rest against his shoulder. 

How easy it was to imagine another man’s hands when the light wasn’t on. How perfectly anonymous a body became when it was pressed against her in the dark. How sublime it was to think that it could have been anyone. 

Could have been Billy. 

She closed her eyes and thought of him; Blonde and tan and smelling of drink. His hands next to her on the bar. His jean jacket collar turned up like it could have been an accident. Like he hadn’t put any effort into looking _that_ cool.

She thought of him then with his mouth by her ear. His breath, hot and ragged and loud. Imagined him hiking her sundress up her back, the red fabric spilling against her shoulders as he took her hard against the pool table. Billiard balls rolling beneath her stomach. Green baize swatching against her cheek. 

A sudden cry from her own throat and Tommy was coming at the same time she did. Large hands unclamping from her jaw. Releasing her. Letting her fall forward, sweaty and breathless against the bed. Face turned into the pillows as if she’d given up on air. Forgotten that she’d ever needed it. 

Trembling thighs ached for more, more, more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me! Let me know your thoughts, or chat to me on my tumblr @nottherightseason xoxo


	9. Girl In The Window

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy to push this chapter out at the end of a long, long week. Love you all and thanks for reading. 
> 
> TW: It’s a rough one. Emotional and financial abuse. Sexual references. Neil being an asshole. Tommy being an asshole. Severe gaslighting. Derogatory language. Mention of domestic violence. Mention of cheating.

“You didn’t have to come and make us breakfast, Jen.” Leo Beaumont watched his sister from the kitchen table. Waitress uniform. Hovering by the stove. Tight apron strings cinching her waist. There was a small comedic beat as she bent to light her cigarette on the burner. Then winked at him from across the room.

“Don’t be silly. Now eat it up before it gets cold.” She clamped her smoke between her teeth and cocked her head as he tucked into pancakes. Watched the syrup covered bacon glisten wetly. “Is Mom still in the shower?”

“No, I’m right here.” Her mother entered in a bathrobe, crossing to the sink for some water. She rolled the cold glass across her forehead and eyes, then sneered meanly. “Can’t stay away for five minutes, can you? Sick of the suburbs yet, Jennifer? Or are the suburbs sick of you?”

“I’ve made you breakfast, mom.” The end of Jennifer's cigarette seemed to burn fiercer when she said that. “The least you could do is be nice to me while I'm here.”

 _“Oh, well excuse_ _me_.” Moira sank with a huff onto the table. Then began picking listlessly at her food. Noticed her son watching her with a nervous, wide-eyed look. “What are you doing up so early? Got another pop quiz?”

“Leo’s going to the library,” Jennifer spoke for him. “He’s got Study Group.”

“Study Group?”

“It’s just me and a couple of friends,” Leo piped up. “We go over everything we’ve learned that week so it’s already solidified when we have a test.”

“Solidified?” His mother stabbed at a piece of bacon.

“Memorized. Taught. So it’s already in our head.”

“You don’t say?” There was a pause as the older woman glanced up at her daughter. A titter that followed. “At least one of my fucking kids is smart.”

Smoke bloomed stonily from Jennifer’s lips when she stared. “You’re looking thin, mother. It ages you. I hope you’re eating properly when I’m not here.”

“Almost as thin as you now.” There was a laughable slither of motherly concern when she gestured with her fork. “You want some of this?”

“I’ll pass. I’ll probably eat something at the diner.”

“Probably? Well, ring a ding ding.” Moira’s eyes were sly when she looked the girl up and down. Watched her go over to the window to open it. “You know, you just reminded me. I think I had a dream about you last night.”

“About me?” Jennifer scoffed as she dragged on her smoke. Didn’t even bother hiding her surprise.

“You were standing in the next room by the window,” her mother remembered. “Not saying anything. Just standing there. Watching me with this weird look in your eyes...I think the funniest thing about it was that it didn’t feel like a dream at the time. It felt real.”

“It’s called sleep paralysis, mom.”

“No. It didn’t feel like it. I could move my head and arms just fine.”

“You mean you were awake?”

“I can’t have been. But I remember the moonlight coming in through the curtains and everything. And the clock in the hallway. I could hear it ticking.”

“False awakening then.” Jennifer offered another explanation. Shoulders hitching as she peered down into the sink. “It wasn’t me. You could have dreamt all of those things.” She glanced up then and caught her brother staring at her. “Are you alright? What’s the matter, Leo?”

“Nothing,” he squeaked quietly. “I’m fine.”

“I have an appointment at Fleischer’s on Friday. You wanna come with me?”

“At the dress shop?” Her mother smiled at that. “You’ve still got your heart set on winning this beauty pageant thing? Did you know I won first prize in high school?” Moira went on proudly and picked at bacon. “Shame you’ve got your father’s nose, Jennifer. You might have had a chance of winning otherwise.”

“What the hell is wrong with my nose?”

“Nothing,” she said. “Except it’s too small. It makes you look like a bird.”

“Fuck you.” Jennifer laughed it off, but her eyes fell at the comment.

Her brother noticed and jumped in kindly. “I think you have a nice nose.” Leo looked sorry then. “But I can’t come. I said I’d hang out with Max at her house.”

“Kinda sweet on her, aren’t you?”

“Max doesn’t like boys that way.” Leo turned hopefully to his mother beside him. “You should ask mom if she wants to go.”

“ _Mom_?” The thought of her mother doing anything remotely maternal filled Jennifer with a stupid kind of hopefulness that she couldn’t shake away. The prospect of twirling in a pretty dress while her mother smiled and looked on was something wild and unobtainable to her. Jennifer hoped madly for it anyway. “We could go for milkshakes afterward,” she offered up. “I even think they’re showing that new Wim Wenders movie... _Paris, Something?_ ”

“ _Paris, Texas_ ,” Leo said. “You’d like that. Wouldn’t you, mom?”

Jennifer turned to her hopefully. But the only thing that Moira Beaumont could ever be depended on for was that she would inevitably break her children’s hearts. “I’ll have to think about it,” she answered stiffly. “I might be busy.”

The doorbell rang and Leo got up to get it.

“I’d really like it if you could come anyway,” Jennifer tried. “It’s at eleven.”

Moira stared until Leo came back into the room. “Like I said. I’ll think about it.”

“Door’s for you, mom.” Leo hovered. “They need you to sign for it though.”

“Alright then. Tell them I’m coming.”

“Sign for- what the hell have you ordered now?” Jennifer followed them through into the hall and saw the brand new TV set by the stairs. Wrapped in plastic and waiting to be unpacked. “Mom. Where did you get that?”

“Bought it.” Moira signed and then shut the door. “Saw it in the catalog last week and ordered it on a whim. Twenty-four-inch screen. Bigger than our last.”

“Dad took the TV when he left,” Leo reminded her.

“Yes, I know that. But how the hell did you pay for it?”

“With money.”

“With money? Mom, what money? You don’t even have a job.”

“Any money that comes into this house is mine.” Moira didn’t stumble when her daughter shoved past her up the stairs. Waited until she’d crashed into Laura’s room and looked around. Jennifer was shaking when she descended again.

“You took Leo’s money?” She spoke carefully but her voice was wavering. Hands fluttering at her apron. “Mom, you- That money was for groceries. Did you even know that? It was for bills. For Leo’s fucking field trip that he was-” Jennifer broke off and touched her forehead. Voice high this time like she might cry. “Do you have any idea how long I worked for all of that?”

“As usual, you’re overreacting.” Moira watched Jennifer sink onto the stairs.

“Am I?” She pressed her fingers into her eyes and gave a half-crazed laugh that made Leo pale. “Maybe I _am_. Maybe I _am_ overreacting, but you know what? That money was mine. I earned it myself and now it’s gone. So I think I’m allowed to react however the hell I want.”

“The bills’ll be due this week,” Leo said quietly.

“Then you’ll have to take it back. You’ll have to take it back right now or they’ll cut the power again. Then you won’t even be able to watch TV-”

"Nobody’s taking anything back,” Moira cut in. “You can just forget it if you-”

“It wasn’t your money to spend, mom!” Jennifer felt silly when she burst into tears. Features creasing so she turned away to compose herself. Allowed one frustrated sob to leave her throat before she was bending over the stairs. “I worked for that. I fucking-” Knees bent and she clutched the banister. Pressed her forehead into the painted railings. “You’re making this so hard.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Now you’re just feeling sorry for yourself.”

“Don’t you realize that you won’t be able to pay the bills this month?”

Leo’s voice was small in the hall below her. “Then...what are we going to do?”

“Fuck’s sake.” Jennifer stayed crouched there with her eyes closed. Knuckles white like she was praying. “I guess I’ll have to think of something, won’t I? Although Christ knows how I’m expected to-” Jennifer’s eyes lifted and she came up with them. “I need your phone. Do you still have it?”

She should never have expected anything less than Leo’s answer. “They cut the phone last week when mom stopped paying it.”

“Of course they did.” Jennifer was late for work. “Look, just...don’t worry about it, alright? I’ll use the phone at the diner and I’ll sort it out. I promise you, Leo.”

“I think I need a good stiff drink,” was all Moira said.

“Mother, I’ve got nothing to say to you.”

Using the phone was the first thing Jennifer did when she rushed into work that morning. Darleen looked up in surprise as she skated breathlessly past her into the back. Heard her snatch at the receiver and dial. “Who are you calling?”

“Tommy. Fuck.” Jennifer slumped against the cool tiled wall. Hands shaking as she dialed and waited to be put through. Her mind raced and spun as she thought about what she might say, but when Tommy answered she simply burst into tears again. Covered her mouth with her hand and shook into it.

“Jennifer?”

“Tommy. It’s me.”

“I know it is. What’s the matter?”

“It’s-” Jennifer slid down the wall to sit. Head back against the coat rack behind her. “It’s _everything_ , Tommy. It’s my mom and it’s-” Another small sob followed. Hurt her head so she cried harder. Felt ridiculous. “I haven’t been honest with you, and I- I just really don’t want you to be mad at me, okay?”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.” There was a long beat while Tommy waited, so Jennifer shut her eyes. “I’ve been using my wages at the diner to pay my mom’s bills for her.”

_“You’ve been what?”_

“I know,” she sniffed. “I know how it sounds but it’s Leo, okay? I can’t leave him on his own. He’s all I have and he’s...all I have. My mom found some of the grocery money I’d been giving him. Bought a TV with it. Which means now they don’t have enough to pay the bills this week. Which means they’ll probably get their power cut off, and Leo’ll get sick again like he did last winter-”

Jennifer burst into a fresh set of tears, and Tommy sighed over the phone.

“How much, Jen? It’s a big TV?” She saw him frowning. Imagined him sitting there at his desk and taking his glasses off. Pinching at the bridge of his nose.

“Twenty four inches, at least.” Jennifer hiccuped quietly.

“Couple hundred dollars then.” Tommy was calm. “Maybe five?”

“I guess so, yeah...” Palms pressed harder into pounding temples as Jennifer leaned in. Swallowed hard because her throat hurt. Because she was so fucking tired. “Tommy, I-”

“Don’t worry about it, alright? I’ll sort it.”

“You mean...you’ll loan it to me?”

Tommy laughed at her demureness. “I mean I’ll pay it for you, stupid.”

“You’d really do that for me?” Cool relief rocked her back. Consumed her.

“Of course I would. That’s why you called, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but I-” Jennifer inhaled and then exhaled again slowly. Felt for the wall to heave herself up. Swayed there. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“I’m sure I’ll be able to think of something.” His remark sent heat pooling into her cheeks, and Jennifer squirmed into the tiles. Thought to bury herself amongst the coats and stay there forever. “Are you still there, Jen?”

“Yes. I’m here.” Jennifer gripped the receiver tighter. “I’m right here.”

She would always be right here, she realized. She would have to be.

\---

Jennifer glided through the rest of her workday like her feet didn’t touch the ground. Fizzed and sparkled like a tall glass of pink lemonade. Weaving her way between the tables, and bobbing there behind the counter like a bouncing cork that wouldn’t stay in its bottle. She was all bubbles and soft sweet roses. Glowing in her uniform and toying with her apron strings. Glittered like a burst of sunshine on water. Like the cherry red lights on Santa Carla’s pier.

“One slice of pecan pie and a triple chocolate sundae with extra cherries.” Billy tipped back in admiration when the food came down in front of him. Watched Jennifer slip him a spoon over the counter. “Sure you can eat all that, bucko?”

“Hey, I can eat my own body weight, remember?” Billy grinned when Jennifer rolled her eyes. Elbows on the counter to be nearer to him. “I didn’t order extra cherries though. You giving ‘em away or something?”

“Cherries are for me.” As if on cue, she plucked a red fruit from the peak of whipped cream and put it to her mouth. “I just like eating them.”

“And I like you eating them.” Jennifer pushed her stomach into the counter so he thumbed at the corner of her mouth. Put the pad to his tongue. Brazen about it. “I’ve got something to tell you. I think you’re gonna like it.”

“Something to tell me?” Foreheads touched when Jennifer leaned further in. Blonde curls tickling her temples when Billy mirrored her by doing the same. “You mean you’re gonna start leaving five hundred dollar tips?”

“You wish. But no. I asked my dad about that thing you wanted me to look into. Whether he ever remembers Fox Lewinsky working at Sandbank?” Billy braved it and swept a finger over the tip of her nose. Caught Darleen watching from afar and pretending not to. “Says he remembers him working there the whole way through the sixties. Got himself fired in 1970 though.”

“Does he remember what happened?”

“My old man hasn’t got his footing high enough in the hierarchy to know about that sort of stuff...But he says he was fired by a woman.”

“ _A woman_?” She couldn’t help being surprised at that. “What was her name?”

“Grady. Katharine Grady.” Billy broke to scribble it down onto a napkin. Slipped the note into Jennifer’s breast pocket and scoffed at a sudden thought. “You should have heard what he said, Fi. Said he only remembers it happening ‘cause of how insulting it must have been to be fired by a woman.” Billy cocked his head at her when she didn’t laugh. “Did I do good?”

“You did good. Bugs me that I never knew that though.”

“You think they tried to hide it from you?”

“I don’t know. But you’d think with our families being so close it would have come out at some time, right? And instead, my brother pulls it up from an old newspaper at the library? It doesn’t make sense, does it? I mean, why would you keep that hidden? What did he do that was so bad he got himself fired for it? And why has Tommy never mentioned it before?”

“You know,” he offered. “There’s probably a really easy way to find out.”

“Ask Tommy, I know.” Jennifer pushed back to sigh and wet her mouth with her tongue. “Might surprise you but I have a feeling he won’t want to talk about it. Funny how you think you can know a person all your life and then...when you get the chance to really ‘know’ them...you realize you don’t actually know that much about them at all.” She caught his look and turned away to pour a cup of coffee. Slipped it to him absentmindedly. “Did your dad say anything else?”

Billy grunted. “Dad’s not one for talking if he can help it. He asks me about school and sports, but that’s it. I don’t think he knows what to say to me.”

“He’s better at telling you off?”

“Jennifer. The man makes it his hobby.”

“My mom’s the same. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her.” The teen sighed a second time and swept Billy’s curls back from his forehead. Fondly pushed the heel of her palm there. “Sometimes I think that if I wasn’t her daughter, she wouldn’t like me at all. She definitely doesn’t love me.”

“Then she’s an idiot,” Billy said. “And she doesn’t deserve you.”

Jennifer’s hand slipped to the counter again. “At least she doesn’t hit me. I should be grateful for that, at least.” Billy’s forehead creased when she said it but she ignored him. “I guess I’m lucky for that, aren’t I?”

“I guess you are. But it doesn’t hurt any less just because they’re words.”

“Parents really are assholes though, aren’t they?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.” Billy caught her arm then to lean in again. “Can I ask you something?”

“ _Shoot_.” A small smile danced on her lips while she stared at him.

“How long do you have until your shift finishes?”

“About half an hour?” She turned his wrist up to see the time. Corrected herself after seeing she was wrong. “Twenty minutes.”

“I’ll drive you home?” He asked it, but it wasn’t really a request.

Jennifer glowed like a rosy pink firecracker. “Alright then. If you insist.”

“I wouldn’t if I were you.” Darleen reached out to sweep Jennifer to the other side of the counter. Thrust a plate into her hand and told her to look busy. The bell above the door jangled three times as she said it, and then Tommy walked in, followed quickly by Neil Hargrove. “We’ve got customers, my girl.”

Billy thought that Jennifer suddenly looked a hell of a lot paler.

“Tommy.” She was practically ashen as she stared. “What are you doing here?”

“I took the afternoon off. You sounded so rough when you rang me this morning.” Tommy slipped out of his overcoat and folded it neatly across his arm. Looked smart but somber in a black tie. Beckoned his wife around the counter to kiss her sweetly. Made Billy sick the way he gripped her chin and tutted. “God. You really do look miserable.”

“Do I?” Jennifer’s eyes stole around him to Neil. “Good afternoon, Mister Hargrove.”

“Neil,” he corrected. “It’s nice to see you, Jennifer.” The older man’s eyes shifted to Billy on the counter stool. “Aren’t you supposed to be in school, son?”

“Free period.” Billy was blunt as he lit up a cigarette. Didn’t look away.

Tommy leaned forward with Jennifer on his arm. “I don’t believe we’ve ever met, have we?”

“Don’t think so.” Billy’s zippo lighter snapped shut rudely as he twisted in his seat. Elbows on the counter, ignoring the hand that he offered. “Jennifer talks about you a lot though.”

“Does she really?” There was a beat as Tommy pulled her closer. Tucked an arm around her waist as he drew her into his side. “What does she say? Good things only, I hope?”

Billy’s blue eyes flickered in a deliberate pause. “Obviously.”

“Darling, have you ever met Darleen?” Fingers curled into Tommy’s arm when Jennifer turned to him. Perked up and gestured to the blonde diner owner, who smiled graciously and leaned across to shake his hand. “She runs a tight ship around here. But it’s worth it ‘cause Cutler’s is the best diner in all of Santa Carla.” Jennifer’s smile was too tight. Forced as hell.

Darleen glowed anyway at the compliment. “I think Jenny has a tendency to exaggerate.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true.” At that, Tommy turned back to Billy, sitting there and still staring. “I’m sure you’d agree with her on that. What do you think? Is this the best diner in all of Santa Carla?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Billy caught Darleen’s eye to wink. “Sure. If you like.”

“Then you must come in here all the time.”

“Yes. Every day if I can help it.”

“Is that right?”

“You should take a piece of pie home with you.” Darleen was quick to break the tension. Beckoned Jennifer back around the counter to help her plate up. “I don’t know if it’s the best diner in Santa Carla or not. But I know for a fact that here we serve the best pie in all the States of America.”

“That’s very, very kind of you.” Tommy swept his wife back beneath his arm. Chucked her chin up again to meet his eyes. “What do you say? Shall we get out of here? See if I can cheer you up?”

“I think Darleen’s already done that.” Jennifer nursed the pie against her chest. Tried a smile so Tommy tipped her chin higher. Scrutinized. “Alright. Let’s go home. It was nice seeing you, Mister Hargrove.” Her eyes flickered straight past Billy as she turned from Neil. Settled them safely on Darleen. “Thanks for the pie. I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”

“Not if I see you first, darling.” Darleen shot Billy an apologetic look, then stood back to watch them go. Turned to him and Neil. “Hell of a nice girl, isn’t she?”

“Sure is.” Neil tapped his son on the shoulder when they were alone. Motioned for him to put the cigarette out. “Will you come sit by me? I’d like to have a word with you.”

“If I have to.” Billy dragged himself from the counter and joined his father at a nearby booth. Smoked impatiently while Neil perused the menu. “Is this about me skipping school?”

“I thought you said you had a free period?” Neil didn’t bother looking up. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really.” Outside, Tommy Lewinsky’s car peeled away.

“Thirsty, then? I think I might have a cheeseburger. I know I’m supposed to be cutting back, but what Susan doesn't know won’t hurt her, am I right?” Neil glanced up then and caught Billy’s look. Deadpan and yet half expectant. “Have some fries at least,” he offered. “On me.”

“Alright. With plenty of red sauce then.” Billy gave in and turned to the waitress when she came to take their order. Requested two cherry cokes as well as a cheeseburger for his father. “So what’s the occasion?” When their food arrived, Billy tipped his sauce out onto his plate. Smeared the end of his fry with it and chewed suspiciously. “Has somebody died or something?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Neil sliced into his burger with a knife and fork. “But I do have a couple of things I’d like to discuss with you. _Mainly_ -” He put his fork to his mouth, chewed, and then set his cutlery down. “This little game you think you’re so slick for playing with the Lewinsky girl. What’s that all about?”

“ _Game_ , dad?” Billy feigned ignorance. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You don’t, huh? So you weren’t just trying to intimidate her husband back there?” Neil scoffed and sipped at his cola. “What, do you think I’m stupid?”

“It’s not my fault the guy ‘thinks’ I’m intimidating,” Billy said.

Neil laughed at that. Like it had been a joke. “Are you fucking her? You better not be. You might be fucking her but we all know Tommy’s fucking her too. And he’s probably doing it better, so don’t waste your time. That’d be just typical of you to break up a marriage. Just like your mother, only at least you’d only be breaking up the one this time. She broke up two and then ran off with the gypsy that screwed her. And he’s probably left her for some other whore now.”

“Mom’s not a-” Billy bit his tongue at the comments. Knew better. “Dad, I don’t know what kind of crazy conclusion you’ve jumped to here, but me and Jennifer are just friends. She’s made that pretty fucking clear to me, actually.”

“Oh, I see.” Neil looked amused as he rocked back. “So she’s rejected you?”

“She’s in love with him.” Billy’s jaw twitched. “God knows why though.”

“That’s an easy one. Tommy’s older for one thing. He’s got a cushy job and a picket lined house on 44th street. And that means there’s probably plenty of money coming in. Plenty of that... _life experience_ that young girls like Jennifer need in their life. I mean, let’s face it, son,” his father leaned closer to steal his red sauce. Licked his fingers. “She’s a waitress in a damn diner. She’s hardly the sharpest tool in the shed, is she? And she’s got that alcoholic for a mother, and that deadbeat father who left them in a shitload of debt. So what the hell do you think she’s going to do? She needs somebody to take care of her.”

“Jennifer can look out for herself.” Billy wasn’t very hungry anymore.

“Well, maybe she just likes being with an older man.” Neil’s lip twitched when his son pushed his plate away. Raised his brows. “if you know what I mean?”

“I think the whole diner knows what you mean.” Billy etched a tally into his plate with the sauce on his french fry. “Why did mom leave you again, exactly?”

“Because she couldn’t keep her damn legs shut while I was at work.”

“Right.” _Fuck it._ “Not because you used to grind her face into the carpet then?”

Neil cocked his head at that. Glanced around them. “When your wife screws around with other men all day, she _gets_ her face ground into the carpet. You keep trying to mess around with Jennifer, and she’ll be getting her pretty face ground into the carpet too. Or worse. You don’t know Tommy.”

Billy felt a pain in his stomach at that. Felt it grow and grow. Thought hard about throwing up that pecan pie and cherry sundae all over the table.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Every man has his front.” Billy thought of cherry pies with the bottoms all blacked and burnt. Thought of Max in the garage with her pale face and the worry lines of a twenty-year-old. “Christ, you should know that by now.”

\---

“Are you alright? You haven’t said a word since we left the diner.” Tommy parked his car in the driveway and turned to his wife in the front seat, who sat still and responded to him only when his hand fell to her knee. “Jennifer?”

“I’m fine,” she said, in a way that wasn’t believable at all. “I was just caught up with thinking about stupid things. I’ve got a lot on my mind right now.”

“Yes, and you wouldn’t be the only one.” Tommy sighed when she looked away again. Saw that she was looking up at the house. “I know you think I might be mad at you for keeping me in the dark about your mom’s bills, but I’m not. I want you to know that. I just wish you’d told me so I could have helped you.”

“I don’t mind it really,” Jennifer’s fingers pushed into glass. Turned them white with the pressure. “I like looking after Leo. I always have done.”

“And you’ll be a hell of a good mother one day, you know that?” Her husband inhaled slowly and then reached for his inside pocket. Withdrew a crisp, white envelope to wave at Jennifer, who stared at it dumbly and didn’t move. “And with that said, I think I better give you this.”

“What is it?” She had a feeling she already knew.

“It’s a check. For your mother.” Tommy’s arm retracted when Jennifer reached for it. Held it high, just slightly out of her reach, then tapped playfully on his chin for a kiss, which she gave him when she realized what he wanted. Lurched herself forward and kissed him clumsily on the mouth. Then quickly freed herself of her seat-belt to drop to her knees in the front of the car. Trailed her mouth along the buttons of his shirt until she’d reached the waistline of his pants. Let her hands fumble there at his belt until Tommy hissed at her to stop.

“Fuck,” he said, glancing around them. “Not on the damn driveway, alright?”

“But the parking lot of the Slow Club is a yes?” Jennifer bent her head until Tommy’s fingers snagged at hair again. “Don’t you want me to thank you?”

“Not here. Not on the fucking street.”

“But doesn’t it turn you on doing stuff like this in public? I know it did when we first did it. Wanna know what I think?” Jennifer’s chin came to rest on his knee, and she cocked her head at him. Smiled up flirtatiously. “I think you’ve gotten really boring since we got married,” she said. “Boring, boring like an old, old man-” a laugh when he grabbed a fistful of hair. "Did I hit a nerve, Tommy?”

“Twenty-five isn’t old.”

“It is for me. You’re practically turning gray.” She was teasing him and probably enjoying it a bit too much. “Zimmer frames and walking sticks from here on in.”

“ _Fucking_...” Tommy hissed and grunted when she rested her head on his knee again. Pointed chin turned towards his zipper. “I’m not doing it here, Jennifer. And I’m not fucking your mouth either.”

“Can’t make a baby that way, right?” Jennifer came up suddenly like she was bored. Scooted back into her seat to frown. “Would it really matter this once?”

“Yes,” he said. “I think it would.”

“You really want this fucking kid, don’t you?” Jennifer turned to the window then and stopped suddenly to stare. Went pale. “There’s somebody up there.”

“What do you mean? Up where?”

“I mean there’s somebody up in that window.”

“Somebody up in the-” They got out of the car and Tommy turned his eyes up towards the house. Squinted up into the upper left window with his hand on Jennifer’s arm. “Are you sure? I don’t think I see anybody.”

“I saw them,” she said. “There was a face. They were watching us.”

“Watching us?” Something about the way she said that made Tommy’s fingers curl. “Did you see who it was? Did you see what they looked like?”

“I don’t-” His wife faltered beside him and she shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Tommy took a step forward and Jennifer dragged him back. Clung to him so Tommy took her hand and kissed it. “I’m just gonna go see if there’s anybody up there, alright? You stay down here. You wait for me.”

“ _Tommy, don’t_. I’ve got a really bad feeling about this.” Jennifer trailed behind him to the front door. Waited for him to unlock it and step inside. Tommy stood there in the hallway with his head cocked, listening, while Jennifer bobbed there nervously on the drive. “Maybe we should call the cops or something.”

“We don’t need the cops.” Tommy craned to see up the staircase and then motioned for her to stay put. “I’m just gonna take a quick look around.”

“And do what, exactly?” A thousand scenarios raced through her head. “What if there’s really somebody up there? What are you gonna do then? What if they-” Jennifer rushed to join him on the stairs. “What if they hurt you?”

“They won’t.”

“But how do you know?”

“Because.” They’d reached the landing now. A deathly stillness had settled over the upstairs part of the house. Tommy crossed to the bedroom and went to the window. Looked out. Then beckoned for her to join him. “Because there’s nobody here, Jen. Are you sure you saw somebody up here?”

“I swear it, I-” Jennifer turned to the closet and whipped it open. “Tommy. I know what I saw. I know it sounds crazy but I-”

“I’m gonna go check the rest of the house, okay?” There was no need to tell her to stay put this time. Jennifer sank onto the bed and stared flatly at the wall until Tommy came back. Heard him running water in the bathroom. “House is clear,” he said calmly, coming back in. “I’ve checked all the closets. The study, the basement. There’s nobody here. I don’t think there ever was.”

“But I...” Breath wavering, Jennifer didn’t pull away when Tommy came to kneel in front of her. Hands on her knee as she raised her head to see him. “I know it sounds really crazy,” she tried. “But it just feels really real.”

“I’m running you a bath,” Tommy said firmly. “You’ve had a long day. You’re all upset because of your mom. And I know that you’re worrying about this whole baby thing.” Thumbs swept tears away when Jennifer bowed her head again. Let out a small sob because she didn’t understand. Because she _had_ seen somebody up in the window. And she was _sure_ there had been somebody in the house. “Shall I call my father? Do you want to talk to him?”

“No. I want to talk to you.” Jennifer sniffed hard and rubbed fiercely at her welling eyes. Grew hot and embarrassed as she stared. Voice cracking as she dared herself to ask him. “Do you think I’m crazy, Tommy?”

Her husband’s jaw jumped a little at the question. Eyes narrowed.

“I don’t know,” he said bluntly. “Maybe you are. Does that scare you?”

“Yes.” A hiccup followed and Tommy sighed. “I know what I saw though.”

“Oh, yes? And what was that?” Tommy pushed to stand and Jennifer saw the impatience there then. Heard the brittle dryness. “A little face in the window? Do you know how that sounds, Jennifer? This, coming from the woman who swears blind she saw her dead sister watching her at a fucking beach concert-”

“Laura isn’t dead.” Tommy ducked when Jennifer launched a pillow at his head. Watched it flop uselessly against the wall behind him. “She isn’t dead, she’s just missing! And you don’t know anything about it. I _saw_ her. I _saw_ her at the boardwalk and I _saw_ her in the window, and I know it doesn’t make any sense-”

“You’re right about that, darling.” Tommy was supercilious as he stalked the bedroom. “It doesn’t make any fucking sense, does it? Because if Laura was alive then she’d be the same age as you now, wouldn’t she? But _you_ -” Tommy stabbed a finger in her direction. Shook. “ _You’ve_ been seeing a little girl.”

“I’m not saying it was Laura,” Jennifer tried. “I mean, it was! But she-”

“You don’t sound very sure, darling.”

“Don’t call me ‘darling’ when you’re mad at me.”

“Believe me,” Tommy scoffed at her. “‘Darling’ is the politest word coming to mind right now.”

Jennifer shook too when he said that. Bottom lip wobbling as she tipped her chin high. Stared at him with shining eyes. “You’re despicable.”

“And you’re being a baby.”

“I _am_ a baby!”

“You’re fucking married, Jennifer.” Tommy twisted to face her. Came closer so she was backed up against the bed. Forced to sit. “You grew up the day you stood up there and said those vows to me. And it’s about time you started acting like a fucking grown-up, instead of talking a crock of shit about seeing little girls in red shoes-”

“ _You’re a fucking_ -” She sprang up at that. He pushed her back down.

“Watch your mouth,” he warned her carefully. “Because I’m not in the mood, okay? Now I’ve tried being patient, and you can’t say I haven’t tried. Not when I've just searched through the whole fucking house for you tonight, even though I know for a fact there was nobody in the fucking window to begin with.”

“But there was!” she insisted. “You’re not even listening to me-”

“I’ve listened to you enough. You’ve no idea how fucking deluded you sound-” Tommy marched into the bathroom and turned the taps off. Came back in to stare at her there. “Your bath’s ready,” he said. “I think it’s time you grew up a little, don’t you?” He caught her arm when she peeled herself from the bed to stalk by him. Surprised her by kissing her roughly in the doorway. “Are we happy, Jennifer?”

“Are we-?” She didn’t know what he meant by that. “Is this a trick?”

“It’s no trick.” Fingers tucked curls behind her ear. Almost gentle now. Voice lowered and surprisingly calm. Light years away from the snarls and the mocking laughter of before. “Just answer the question. Are we happy?”

“ _Yes_.” She answered on a rising intonation. Hadn’t meant for that to sound like a question too. Stood there with his hand pressing into the door frame behind her head, and the sickly sweet smell of violet bathwater beckoning to her from the other room. “Yes,” she said, clearer this time. “We’re happy, aren’t we?”

“If you _say_ we’re happy, let’s leave it at that.” Tommy knocked by her and crossed for the stairs. Glanced back once before descending. “I’ll go fetch your mother’s check from the car,” he said. “You wouldn’t want to lose that, would you?"

"Tommy, wait-" Jennifer called out to him before he reached the bottom. Saw him stop and wait for her there in the hallway. Expectant. "You believed me at first," she tried one last time. "I know you did."

Jennifer didn't know what had happened that evening. 

She wouldn't know for a long time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Stick around and talk if y'all have the time. Or talk to me on my tumblr @nottherightseason! xoxo


	10. Pretty When You're High

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: New update for you guys. A rare rainy day in California. Thank you to all the people who’ve been so kind in showing me love for this story so far. Taglist for tumblr is always open so let me know if you want adding or removing xoxo 
> 
> TW: Mention of gaslighting. Discussion of domestic abuse. Drug use. Sexual references. Kinda smutty towards the end. Obvious theme of cheating.

“I’m not too sure about the color. Do you think maybe it’s _too_ pink?” Jennifer twirled on the podium while eyeing the mirror, tiptoeing in white heels. Fabric rustled as skirts shifted about. Ruffles spilling from padded hips. The store attendant clicked her tongue in judgment. Stepped back to scrutinize.

“Why don’t you try on a different shade?” She came forward with more dresses for the picking. “Maybe lilac, or blue?”

“I really had my heart set on wearing pink to the pageant.” The teen looked like a fruity pink blancmange. Silly satin puffs draped over bare shoulders. “My mom wore a dress just like this when she entered. And she won.”

“Maybe pink just isn’t your color?” The store attendant tutted when the zipper came down. Helped Jennifer step out of netted skirts. “You know, maybe your mom should come and help you decide. She’ll know what suits you best.”

“My mom isn’t coming.” A nod at the clock read 12:05. “I asked her to come, but I don’t know. She must be busy or something. She said she might be.”

“Right.” A beat lingered while Jennifer sighed in front of the mirror.

“I just really wanted to look like her, you know? I feel like she’d like it.”

“Why don’t you want to look like yourself?” A bell sounded from the front of the store and the attendant sighed in apology. “I’ll have to get that, dear. I’m afraid that’s my twelve o’clock appointment. Why don’t you try on the blush one and I’ll get back to you in a minute?” Jennifer teetered when she slipped away, then sank down with a silly little huff onto the podium step.

“Shit.” She should have known her mother would have been too spiteful to come. Too hungover. Too idle to rouse herself from the couch and come dress shopping with her daughter. Yet Jennifer had hoped so stupidly for it anyway. Even bragged to Tommy that morning at breakfast, who had smiled politely and nodded his head, but must have been thinking her an idiot for saying it.

The teen pushed to stand and swept the magenta tinted gown from its hanger. Held it up against her before stepping into it. Inching it over her hips and then tugging the frilly pink sleeves up over her arms. Jennifer stared and thought about bursting into tears. It was hideous and she knew it. A shock of frills and a silly amount of ruffles that swallowed her up. Swamped her tiny frame and made her look like a nursery rhyme. Little Bo Peep playing dress-up.

The store attendant came breezing back in. “Honey, I’ve got another pageant girl here. You don’t mind if I work on you both at the same time, do you?”

The curtain was shoved aside in the little dressing room, and Monica Harford trailed in. Clapped a hand over her mouth and laughed aloud. “Oh, Jennifer! You look like you’ve been hosed down with Pepto Bismol.”

“What?” In her shock, Jennifer stumbled from the podium and sprained her ankle. Turned as pink as her dress. “What the hell are you talking about, Mon?” She hobbled to a nearby chair. “Pink is my signature color.”

“You girls know each other?” The store attendant looked pleased as she set about fetching gowns from their racks. “That’s nice. I guess now you both have a friend to lean on for advice...” She stopped then to raise her brows. “Unless you’re the kind of beauty queens who intend on sabotage.”

“Not me.” Jennifer sighed and rubbed her sore ankle.

“Me neither.” Monica hovered. “I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Don’t be silly, Mon.” Jennifer tested her weight and then heaved herself up. Pain ebbing as she crossed to a mirror. “You could have seen me a few weeks ago at that dinner party you decided not to go to. Remember that?”

Monica worked at her bottom lip. “You’re really mad at me for that, aren’t you?”

“Does it show?” The brunette struggled with the zipper so her friend came forward. “You stood me up in front of everybody, Mon. I looked like an idiot, hoping you’d show. Even Neil Hargrove was trying to be nice to me about it.”

“Oh, God.” The girl winced at the thought. “Was it terrible?”

"It was. But I’m over it now.”

“I’m sorry. I just-” Monica’s hands dropped and she tossed her strawberry blonde ponytail over her shoulder. “There was a party, Jen. A real party. With drinking, and music and boys...and I’m not saying it was more important than coming to your dinner, because obviously, it wasn’t. I fucked up and I’m a shit for doing it but-” Monica squirmed and wet her lips. “ _Some of us are still in high school, you know?_ The Old Jennifer wouldn’t have turned a party down either.”

“I _am_ the Old Jennifer.” She stepped out of her dress. “I haven’t changed.”

“Yeah, right. Would Jennifer Lewinsky ever get high in a graveyard? Better yet, would Jennifer Lewinsky ever get high at all? Of course, she wouldn’t. But Jennifer Beaumont would. You’re just not Jennifer Beaumont anymore.”

“I wanna try the blue one on.” Jennifer stepped up onto the podium again. Allowed the store attendant to help her dress. “Look, Monica. It’s not my fault I grew up quicker than you, okay? I got tired of pretending. I was sick of my little peppy cheerleader act anyway. I was a cliche. Pretending to be one of the cool girls, while I traipsed around with the King of the School on my arm.”

“Billy’s this close to getting transferred to Rydell, you know.” Monica watched Jennifer twirl in the mirror. Grimaced. “I don’t like the bow on your butt.”

“Me neither. Too flashy?” Jennifer stepped down. Repeated the process of changing and stepping up onto the podium. “What’s wrong with Billy?”

“I wouldn’t know. That’s the point. He never comes to school anymore.” Monica gave the next dress a thumbs down. “Apart from gym, it’s like nobody ever sees him. Spends all of his days up at the Point, or smoking on the boardwalk. There was even a rumor going around that he was seeing one of the girls from Rydell, but that turned out to be bullshit. Apparently, he just spends most of his time at Cutler’s Diner. Which is a coincidence, ‘cause that’s where you work.”

Jennifer wavered uncertainly at that. “I guess he does go there a lot.”

“And I guess he only cared about being King when you were his Queen.”

“You mean ‘Beauty’ Queen?” Hands made a crown above her head.

Monica sighed. “I can’t believe we signed up for this. You’re right, you know. We really are cliches. We’re the white-toothed teens you see in the movies. The ditsy little cheerleaders whose sole ambition it is to be a Valley Girl with a hot piece of ass we can show off and take to parties. And now we really think we can make it as Beauty Queens. Muffin, we’re our parent’s worst nightmare.”

“And yet here we are anyway?” This time, Jennifer whirled in red. Glossy satin skimmed thighs and spilled out towards her feet. Jewel tones caught the light and showed off her tan. Made her hair darker. “This counts as pink, right?”

“No.” Monica’s hands went to her hips and she smiled approvingly. “It’s cherry, baby. You know, maybe there is a little Jennifer Beaumont inside you after all.”

Jennifer promptly stopped turning. “I don’t think she ever went away, Mon.”

\---

Rain fell when Jennifer left the dress shop later that afternoon. Clouds parting to disperse that cold, wet shower. Splashing over hot tarmac and running rivulets into the sidewalk and the walkway over the Pier. Shutters dripped as trash blew in from the beaches. Blustered on the boardwalk and turned to pulp underfoot. Gray skies looming as Jennifer made the short walk through town. Small rumbles of thunder cowering behind mountains. Growing braver as she approached the Diner. Spotted Billy in his usual spot through the window, sipping Coke through a straw. He beckoned her in when their eyes met.

“Jennifer.” He looked slightly surprised to see her. Took in her wet and unruly appearance. White sundress with tiny straps. Long hair dripping. “You’re not working today?” It was stating the obvious but he said it anyway.

Jennifer motioned to the plastic booth. “Can I sit with you?”

“Do you have to ask?” She was slipping into the booth anyway as he said it. Bangs curling and turning wispy. Tipped her head to the window and watched the puddles stipple in the parking lot. “Have you eaten?”

“Not since breakfast.” She didn’t protest when he picked up the plastic menu. Let him scan the page and call Darleen over for two grilled cheese sandwiches and a platter of fries. “All we ever do is eat here. Have you noticed that?”

“You know someplace better?” Billy sipped his drink and studied her over the table. She was holding herself. “You’re shaking,” he pointed out.

“It’s cold,” she said.

“It’s raining.”

“I’m shocked.” Jennifer caught his expression and rolled her eyes. Elbows on the tabletop. Dripping still. “Are you playing truant again, Billy?”

“ _Playing truan_ t, Jennifer?” Billy snorted at that. “What are you, like eighty?”

“You know what I mean.” Her voice was almost matronly as she stared at him. “You should stay in school. Graduate. Then maybe you could get out of here.”

“Trying to get rid of me?” He asked.

“Of course not. But you know what I mean. Finishing school. It gets you places. Places you wouldn’t normally go. Only reason I dropped out was 'cause I thought waving Tommy off to work while I rushed around getting ready for school would look so ridiculous.”

There was a brief lull in the conversation when the food came. Jennifer tucked into her sandwich as if she was starving. Wiped her greasy hands on her skirt and stained the napkin red with her lipstick. Gave Billy another reason to stare when she licked the pads of her fingers. Innocent but fucking obscene about it.

“Do you miss it?”

Jennifer looked up. “Miss what? Miss school?” She pinched a handful of fries when he nodded at her. Ate them all at once. “If you’d asked me that five weeks ago, I’d have said no. Now I just feel like I’m missing out on something. And not just the learning part. The social part too. I didn’t know what it was like to be lonely before I married Tommy.”

“You’re lonely?” That part surprised him. Broke his heart to hear it.

“More than anything.” She said it so casually as she dipped in for more fries. Had warmed up to the conversation so she relaxed into the seat. “I guess when we first got married, it wasn’t so bad. We spent the entire summer in Minnesota, and Tommy was with me every day. He was always messing around and making jokes. I guess I was dumb enough to think it’d be like that forever.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Not even close. He’s... _slipping_. Changing. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s still Tommy, except that sometimes...I swear I could look at him and see another man standing there. And I’m not sure that I-” Jennifer glanced around them then. Leaned forward like she had a secret. “I’m scared to go home.”

Billy’s jaw tightened. “Because of Tommy?”

She nodded. Then quickly shook her head. “I saw Laura again yesterday,” she said. “She was standing in the upstairs window, but when Tommy went up to check, there was nobody there. Not a soul. Tommy tried to be nice about it at first but I...think he’s getting tired of it. And I get so scared that he’s gonna get tired of me and he’ll-” Jennifer stopped herself. Pressed red lips. “Well. My biggest fear right now is being in the house alone. Or ‘not’ alone, I guess.”

“You’re scared you’ll see her?” Billy’s forehead furrowed beneath his curls.

“I’m scared of seeing something that apparently nobody else can see. I’m scared of waking up in the middle of the night and seeing her standing there. Or, spotting her in the bathroom mirror at the corner of my eye.” Jennifer shivered because the ends of her hair were dripping onto her shoulders. “Most of all, I’m scared that if I’m not crazy, then I’m really seeing my sister’s ghost.”

“Ghosts aren’t real, Jen.” Billy didn’t like the way she’d folded in on herself while she’d been speaking. Head bent and picking at her nails. “I told you to stop taking those pills.” He could see from her face that she hadn’t. “Why haven’t you? Is it Tommy? Is he making you take them?”

She looked up strangely. “Tommy says I’ll have nightmares if I don’t.”

“Bullshit. Can’t you see that he’s just trying to mess with your head?” Billy seized her hand over the table. Shocked her. “He’s got you trapped.”

“Don’t, Billy.” Jennifer caught Darleen staring at them from across the counter so she dragged her hand away. Looked evasive. “Can we get out of here?”

“Your place or mine?” It was a joke but his stomach still pooled heat when he said it. “We could go to the Point. It’ll be quiet at this time of day.”

“The Point?” Another one of their old make-out spots. The irony was more than tangible in that little red diner booth. “I guess we could...for a little while.”

“We don’t have to.” Billy worried that he’d overstepped the mark.

“No.” Jennifer tossed the crust of her sandwich down. Slid up and out of the booth anyway. “It’s better than going home, I guess. And besides,” she raised her eyes to him because he stood so much taller. “I want to.”

\---

Jennifer reached the end of the bluff and stopped walking. Stood on her toes to throw her eyes down into the dark, thrashing sea below her. Listened for the smack of the water as it smashed against the rocks. As the wind picked up and swept back her hair. Whipped her skirt wildly between her legs.

She had always felt a strange affinity with the sea. This savage, raging thing that could be so cruel and so kind all at once. Often found herself wishing she was a friendly little wave that could carry a surfer on its back. Lap and sparkle in the honey-colored sun. Then roll into something tall and strong.

Destroy a mountain.

Jennifer wondered if it was possible to do both. To _be_ both.

“It’s starting to rain again.” A light drizzle picked up when Billy got out of the car. Pushed his jacket around her because she was shivering still. Black leather over cotton. “You’re freezing. Aren’t you gonna come sit with me?”

“You mean get high with you in the backseat?” Jennifer held herself. Hugged the jacket tighter around her because it was still warm from when he’d worn it. Smelling like Aramis. That fucking cologne he always wore. “Of course I am.”

Billy grinned at her for that. “Atta girl.”

The rain fell heavier so they clambered into the car. Climbed over into the back while it drummed above their heads. Spat at the windows and trilled loudly on the wing mirrors. Jennifer thought the sound was vaguely terrifying. The way it blocked out the rest of the world. Muffled life. Snuffed everything else out.

“It feels like we’re the only ones left in the world.” She curled up under the jacket while Billy concentrated on rolling. Watched him because he did it so perfectly with those large hands, beaded with rain. “Way up here. I guess the world could end and we wouldn’t even know. Wouldn’t that be peaceful?”

“Just the two of us?” Billy licked the paper and sealed it. Smiled at her flushed cheeks and curling tendrils. “I know you’d get sick of me eventually.”

“Oh, but I wouldn’t.” She sat straighter then. Almost insistent. “I never could.”

They allowed a moment to pass between them. Silence as Billy lit up and took the first drag. Smoked it with his eyes closed and his head tipped back. Long lashes fluttering on his cheeks as he filled his lungs. Then exhaled slowly through his nose. Somehow seemed to make the whole thing look orgasmic.

“What happened?” Jennifer’s fingers fluttered to his shirt collar when she saw the bruising there. Angry and purple against tanned, wet skin. Striking beneath the creamy fabric. Welts along the collarbone. “Did your dad do that to you?”

“Would you believe me if I told you they were hickeys and not belt whips?” He cast her a short glance and gave her the joint. Something else for her hands to do. “It’s alright. I’ve had worse. At least he didn’t use the buckle end, right?”

“That’s not funny, Billy. That’s fucked up.” Jennifer kept her eyes on him as she stole a drag. “What happened? I mean... _what did you do?”_

“Do I have to have done anything?” A sharp second where he came across as defensive, softening when he saw her face. “One time, all I had to do was close my door a little too loud. My old man came and beat me ‘til I couldn’t even stand. Spat at me, and then had the nerve to throw up when he realized what he’d done.” Thumbs brushed damp curls aside when Billy leaned closer, sweeping raindrops away. “Looking at me like that won’t make it any better, Fi.”

“I wish it would.” Breath hitched and smoke bloomed. “I wish I could help you.”

“ _Ditto_.” Billy pushed his thumb into her cheek. Watched the skin pale and then flush beautifully when he let up the pressure. Thought about that cherry red heart thumping fiercely beneath her sundress. Beating in sync with the rain.

“You would never have told me that last summer though.” Jennifer’s breath warmed the inside of his wrist as he stared. A bead of rainwater running down the line of his nose. “You’d have pushed me away. Told me it didn’t matter. But things are changing now, aren’t they? You know that you can talk to me...”

Perhaps she said that a little too naively. Billy wanted to laugh at the thought of telling her everything. Could barely relay it to himself afterward. But the thought was there. The hope was there. Burning bright in her eyes.

“You’re so fucking pretty when you’re high.” Billy inched closer along the backseat as he said it. Stopping when his knee brushed up against hers. Wet denim against bare skin. The rain pattering loud against the window.

“It hasn't even had time to kick in yet.” Jennifer didn’t move. Just let him drink her in. Every detail. Every striking feature; The raindrop on her collarbone. The small smudge of mascara beneath her lower lashes. The way her breasts showed through the thin material of her dress. Damp cotton. Stitched with daisies so small you could barely see them.

“Maybe you’re just fucking pretty then.”

She thought about inching forward and slipping her hands beneath his collar. Wondered what sound Billy would make if she pressed her fingers against the bruises. Whether he would give a sharp hiss for breath. A grunt in her ear as she leaned into him. Unwound him. Made his body ache. “Maybe.”

“ _Maybe_?” Billy’s thumb etched a circle into her cheekbone. Tanned fingers hooked behind her head. Pressing hard into cartilage. “You know you’re fucking beautiful. And beautiful people get whatever they want, right?” A little more pressure and her lips were parting because he was holding her so fucking tight. “Well, what do you want, Jennifer?”

“What do I-” Breath stilled as she stared at him. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Billy leaned by her to put the joint on the windowsill. Let it burn there. Forgotten. “Sure you do. Everybody knows what they want.”

“Do _you_ know what I want?”

Billy pushed his thumb into her lower lip. Smeared the color. “Yes, I do.”

“Then why are you trying to make me say it?”

“Because I like being wanted.” It would have been melancholic if he wasn’t leaning forward as he said it. A noise at the back of his throat as he ghosted a kiss on her mouth. Stealthy. Encouraging. Giving her the green light that she craved. Needed. Unfolding herself for him as she slipped into his arms. Slid her fingers into the curls at the back of his head. Returned his damning kiss.

 _“I want you.”_ Jennifer dared herself to utter it. Didn’t think it sounded so bad when it was muffled against his lips. Or, maybe it did. Maybe it sounded a hell of a lot worse. Either way, she didn’t care. Not when Billy was leaning over her to press her down into the seat. Breath hot. Mouth wet. Hands everywhere.

“Don’t, Jen.” He stilled her fingers when they fumbled for his shirt buttons. Caught them to kiss them, then crawled over her to see her face. Kept her down with his knee on her stomach. Kissed her. “It’s not pretty.”

“I don’t care. I want to see.”

“No, you don’t.” Billy clutched her fingers tighter when they inched again. Gave a sharp shake of the head so she gave in. Let him bend her arms back above her head, holding them there against the leather seat. Jennifer shifted slightly underneath him. Breathed beautifully. Then inhaled him when he came down for another kiss. Slipped her tongue into his mouth and sighed a moan that drove him crazy. Made him hard. Hands tearing from her wrists just so he could feel the rest of her. Slightly damp still beneath her borrowed jacket.

“I don’t mind. About the bruises.” She insisted again like she couldn’t get it out of her head. Waited until Billy came up to see her, thumbing at her cheeks because she was looking at him so kindly when she said it. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah. I know.” Emotion welled and he took her face again. Fluttered kisses along the underside of her jaw. Kissed her chin. Her neck. Behind her ear where her skin was warm. “But it does to me. You understand that, right?”

“Yes.” Jennifer’s head tipped to meet his mouth again. Hungry. Her hand found his hand so she took it and pulled it to her breast. Let him palm at her through the fabric of her dress. Rough. “I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.”

“Believe me, I _want_ you to.” Billy palmed her breasts harder and Jennifer whined at the slight hurt. Relished it. Yearned. “But you just can’t today.”

A kiss on her brow bone. A distraction.

“Billy, fuck. I-” A sigh roused when he pushed his hand beneath her dress. A thumb pressed against her through her underwear. Drew circles so Jennifer stopped breathing. Lay rigid on the backseat and didn’t move. Didn’t dare.

“Hey, we’re the only ones left in the world, remember?” He pulled his hand away to slip his thumb into her mouth. Watched her suckle on it so spit came away when he traced her lower lip. “You can make all the noise you want, you hear me?” A kiss on her brow again for good measure. “In fact, I encourage it.”

“Oh, well in that case...” There was a lull in the mood when she laughed at him. Open and carefree, so she wound her arms around his neck. Pulled his face down so that she could kiss him again. Drew it out with a soft sigh. “In that case, you better give me a good reason to.” Billy’s fingers crept beneath her skirt again as she said it. Earned a moan that time that pooled heat into his stomach. Made his fingers work faster. Dancing over the cotton fabric.

“Fuck, you’re- Open your eyes and look at me.” A free hand gripped her chin so Jennifer forced her eyes open. Stared into him as he worked her up. Made her unravel. Lashes fluttering because keeping them open was hard. Much harder than it looked when all she wanted to do was throw her head back and cry. “You’re acting like you haven’t been touched properly in months.”

“I haven’t.” It was what he wanted to hear so Billy slipped down her body. Held her thighs and watched her twitch in anticipation when he lowered his head to see her. Pressed a thumb against her. Then his tongue. Ran it slick over the fabric until she was cursing and pulling at his hair. “Jesus, fucking-”

“Oh, I forgot how much you liked this.” Billy murmured it against the inside of her thigh. Suckled on skin. Careful not to leave marks. “I forgot how much you used to beg me for it. When I touched you here-” A thumb brushed her again and this time Jennifer jerked. Hissed for breath. Spluttered, red-faced.

“Please, Billy.” She was begging now. Happy to. Twitching still when he eased her underwear down. Inching them from over her hips and letting them suspend obscenely from one ankle, which came to rest on his shoulder. “Fuck, you’re-”

“About to make you very happy.” He pressed his mouth into her. Right into the place where she wanted. Felt her thighs shudder slightly against his hands so he gripped her tighter. Tasted her. Remarked to himself that she tasted just like the sea; Like a freshly salted rock pool. His mind wandering to the waves that crashed outside their window, as she opened and closed for him like a sea anemone. Whined for him so beautifully. Sang her siren song.

“Billy.” She tipped her head back into the seat of the car and made a sound like she was crying. It was beautiful. “God, you’re so fucking perfect.”

Jennifer’s fingers felt for the golden curls at the top of his head. Caressed and pulled at the same time. Moaned something obscene at the back of her throat so Billy moaned too. Touched himself because he couldn’t stand it. Then slid a finger inside her all the way. Knuckle deep.

“You like that?” Billy beckoned. Stretched her out so she pushed her hips up into his hand. Moaned for more. Billy tapped lightly at her pelvis with a straying digit. “God, you’re fucking needy too. But keep your hips down.”

“I don’t remember you being this bossy in my dream.”

He grinned against her because she’d given him all the leverage he needed. Worked his fingers over slick thighs as he peppered kisses along her skin. Let her arch into him anyway because she was just too fucking good. Trembling and whining and bucking for more, more, more. Jennifer melted for him.

“Did you dream about this?” He wanted her so he slipped up again to see her face. Crawled over her while his fingers pumped. “Do you close your eyes and dream about me?” Kisses trailed along her neck and Jennifer nodded. Found the curls at the back of his head and clung to him. “Do you think about me when you’re lying in bed at night?” A thumb brushed against her and she jerked and cried out with a gasp of alarm. “Thinking about me when you know you shouldn’t...” Jennifer pulled on those curls so hard it hurt. “Talk to me.”

“Yes, I think about you.” She was shaking. Close. So fucking close. Moaned something incoherent about him fucking her over the pool table. Moaned it so filthily that Billy almost thought about doing it. Turning her over and taking her right then. Face against the seat cover and gasping for breath. “I think about you all the time. Is that really so bad?” Billy kissed her rougher. Made her his entirely. Grew hotter and harder at the mere sight of that girl spread open so prettily just for him. Crying _his_ name. Taking _his_ fingers. Arching so beautifully for _his_ touch. Billy wasn’t sure who had possessed who. Maybe it was both. 

“I think it’s fucking terrible.” Jennifer came undone right as he said it. Limbs flailing and locking. Head tipping. Then silence as the waves of release pulsed through her. Scourged her veins and stole her words away. Mesmerized, Billy watched her shuddering into his hand. Observed her bite her lip as she came down from her mountainous high. Cheeks flushed. Hair spilling across her face as she fought for air. “Didn't take you long. You must have needed that, right?”

Jennifer made a strangled sound. At first, he thought she was laughing.

“Oh, God. Billy...” She cried out then as if she couldn’t breathe, and it was then that he realized she wasn’t laughing at all, but crying instead. Squirming to push him off of her and back herself up against the steamed-up window. Drawing her knees to her chest as she stared at him. Almost accusing.

“It _is_ terrible, isn’t it?” She was still trembling from her orgasm. Opened her mouth to speak but turned away to cry instead. “God, I’m a fucking-” 

_Adulteress_. It had an exotic sound to it. Biblical. Obscene. Ungodly. A rustle of satin and the dizzying perfume of incense. Ruby red jewels and six pieces of silver. Spilled blood in the marriage bed. Whispers in the dead of night. A woman bent over her lover. Washing his feet with her long, dark hair.

“Look at me.” Less forceful than before, Billy crawled along the seat to see her. Thumbing at the ring on her hand, which was hot and smooth against her flushing skin. Shining dully. “Everything’s alright, see? Watch this.” He caught her ring finger to put it to his lips. Took it carefully into his mouth until his teeth scraped metal. Grasped. Pulled. Then siphoned the ring from her body.

 _"It comes off_ ," Jennifer remarked. Flat. Tearful. Almost vaguely surprised.

"Yes," he said simply. "It comes off." The gesture, once done, silenced her crying and Billy crept to take her face into his hands again. “You’re shaking,” He soothed. Began to kiss those hot and shameful tears away. Was driven mad by the thought that she still tasted exactly like the sea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Stick around and let me know what you think, or talk to me on my tumblr xoxo


	11. Chemtrails Over The Rose Garden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A rough chapter this week. Especially towards the end. Jennifer’s going through it and it’s making me sad to write. Taglist is always open so let me know if you want adding or removing. 
> 
> TW: Sexual references. Light talk of rape. Gaslighting. One ‘mild’ incident of domestic violence. Tommy being an asshole.

Somewhere down the sunshine soaked street, a lawnmower rumbled and hummed. A sprinkler on Ms. Day’s perfectly preened green lawn whipped droplets into the balmy afternoon air. Dogs panted and lolloped on their porches. Heat swelled and didn’t shift. Passing airplanes made quiet roars, leaving chemtrails over the rose garden.

“You didn’t have to drive me home, you know.” Jennifer swung both legs out of the Camaro and made for the driveway. Purse and cardigan swinging from the crook of her arm. “Not expecting a reward for your endeavors, are you?”

“Wouldn’t be very gentlemanly of me, would it?” Billy slipped car keys into a white shirt pocket. Leaned into the door frame so Jennifer smiled and tipped back too. Looked flushed and pretty in her pink waitress uniform. Glowing.

“Gentleman?” She had to laugh. “You’re not a gentleman.”

“No,” he said, agreeing with her. “I’m not, am I?”

Billy’s lips tugged slyly as he stepped closer. Jennifer groped behind her for the catch on the door. Turned it until it clicked. “Would you...like to come in for some lemonade?” She tipped her chin to him as she said it. Eyes flashing to meet his. “It’s a hell of a hot day, isn’t it?”

“Scared I’ll pass out from heat exhaustion, Lewinsky?” She went inside and set her things down on the hall table. Plucked at her hair tie, so dark curls tumbled. Billy swallowed when she began to shake them out.

“I thought I was thanking you for the ride home?”

“That’s right. I forgot.” She roused a laugh from him as he followed her inside. Shut the door, so Jennifer seized him by the collar to fall back with him against the wall. Hands slipping automatically behind his head. Pulling him closer. Closer still. A sigh bloomed between them both when the kiss deepened.

“Thank God-” Jennifer's palms came up to push him off of her. Red lipstick smeared messily across her chin. “I was scared you’d changed your mind...”

 _After yesterday_. The remainder of the sentence hung unspoken between them.

“Not me.” Billy’s mouth came down again to meet hers. He tasted cherries when she parted her lips to take his tongue. Thought of the pie they’d shared at the diner that afternoon. Red, and sticky, and sweet. Served hot under fluffy white ice cream. Tangy to the taste buds. Unapologetically moreish. Billy kissed her harder and Jennifer whined for him. Returned it with equal amounts of vigor so that spit trailed messily when they broke for air. “I want you.”

“You have me.” She gripped him by the shirt collar. Caught her breath. Dizzy. Swept up in pheromones as Billy backed her up against the staircase.

“Not what I mean.” He began by kissing his way along her mouth and nose. Her forehead. The pale lids of her eyes. “I want all of you.”

“You can _have_ all of me.”

“Is that a promise?”

“Cross my heart.” The wedding ring went promptly onto the hall table next to her purse. “Come upstairs with me...Tommy won’t be home until late.”

“ _Late_ late?” They went upstairs together. Jennifer was practically humming as she disappeared into the bathroom. Ran water. Found Billy in the bedroom looking at the cluster of trinkets on the nightstand. “Tommy reads a lot, huh?”

“Likes to think he does.” With a mocking grimace, Billy thumbed his way through _The Fountainhead_ as Jennifer looked on. “Tommy’s had that book since he went to college. Says he’s never related more to a man his entire life...Howard Roark...The ‘ _great individualistic architect_ ’.”

“And a rapist.” Jennifer raised her eyebrows at that.

“Tommy says it’s symbolic.”

“I bet he does.”

She nodded when the book went back onto the nightstand. “He says that Dominique ‘wanted’ Roark to sleep with her. That she only ‘allowed’ him to force himself on her because she didn’t want the moral responsibility of saying yes to him.” Jennifer’s eyes flickered at the strange absurdity of it. “Because of her being married and everything.” She caught his look across the room and rolled her eyes again. “Pretty fucking dumb, right?

“Yeah.” Billy cocked his head at the water running in the next room. “Pretty fucking dumb. Makes you wonder how a woman could write shit like that.”

“Believe me. It surprised me too when Tommy first read it to me. Maybe Ayn Rand was scared the readers wouldn’t like Dominique if she willingly had an affair with him. I suppose making her a rape victim, even a bullshit symbolic one, would have been more forgivable at the time.” Jennifer shuffled and stepped out of her shoes. “I’m gonna go take a bath now, okay?”

Billy was fiddling with Tommy’s cuff links on the nightstand. He put them down again. “Why don’t you just take one later? You know... _After_?”

“Because, cowboy. It’s hot and I stink of Diner.”

“Fair enough.” He played ignorant. “Want me to wait in here for you?”

“I was hoping you’d join me, actually.” She was smiling as she said it. Hands dropping to flutter to her dress buttons. Pale and pearly beneath her fingers. “I thought maybe you could help keep me company.” He spied white lace when her uniform came open. A pretty white balconette peeking out from behind her cotton dress. He came forward to hold her and Jennifer nuzzled at his collar. Inhaled him. Then palmed him obscenely through his jeans. “Guess what?”

“What?” Billy’s stomach fluttered when she raised her eyes to him.

“I want you too,” she said. ”All of you.”

\---

“Billy, come away from the window.” Later, Jennifer sat at her vanity mirror while she toweled her hair dry. Observed him in the reflection behind her, then beckoned him away from the glass. “What if someone looks up and sees you?”

“You ever noticed that all of the houses on your street look the same?” Billy stayed put and smoked his cigarette. Tapped ash. “They all look like fucking dollhouses or something.” Tiny dollhouses. Commercialized and mass-produced. The same neat little people living in the same neat little rooms. Stray from the look and you wouldn’t be invited to the tea party. Billy longed to shake them all up. “How can you stand living here? Doesn’t it drive you crazy?”

“It didn’t at first.” Jennifer hummed and reached for her hairbrush. “I fell in love with this house the first time I saw it. All that sandy brick and green lawn. I wanted it. Even liked the idea of having our name painted on the little mailbox. _Lewinsky_. It all sounded so proper. So American. I really wanted all that.”

“But now you don’t?”

“I don’t know what I want anymore.” Jennifer shifted in cream satin. Applied perfume. “I thought I could see it all. What I wanted. But now I just see you. Even with my eyes closed, you’re still the only thing I see.”

“Still playing the good little wife though.”

She could only bristle at that. “I’m not good. I don't know why people have to pretend to be good. Nobody's good.”

“Then come over here.” Billy thought to tear that satin robe from her shoulders. Toss her down onto the bed and make her messy. Loud. “If you’re really not pretending, then come over here and kiss me.”

“In front of the window?”

“In front of the window.” Jennifer’s stillness gave him her answer. She sat frozen at the vanity and didn’t speak. Dropped her eyes because he’d made his point. Billy sighed and put out his smoke. “Not pretending, huh?”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“You’re about to fuck a married woman and you’re acting like this isn’t the biggest turn on you’ve ever had in your life.” Jennifer took it and then threw it all right back at him. “Like the thought of going against every lesson and moral we’ve ever been taught doesn’t make you hard as shit.” As if proving her point, her eyes dropped to his jeans. “This isn’t a game, Billy. We have to be careful.”

“I thought you said you hadn’t changed your mind.”

“I haven’t,” she admitted. “But yesterday scared me. When I realized what I’d done. And who I was. And what that made me. And how I feel like an entirely different person. And yet you seemed to have stayed the same...Because there’s a word for people like me.” Dark eyes flickered ever so slightly. “There’s a word for _women_ like me.” She imagined it being branded, hot and angry onto her forehead. A beautiful and ugly word. Three syllables. Red like a candy apple. “Maybe I’m beginning to understand Dominique Francon a little more.”

His lip curled. “Don’t say shit like that.”

“Why not? It’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one who has to sleep next to Tommy every night and-” Jennifer broke off to wet her lips. “I almost turned my cheek to him last night,” she said. “I had to stop myself. And the whole time I was waiting for him to grab me and say that there was something different about me. That I looked as different as I feel.”

“You haven’t changed,” he said.

“Yes, I have. I just can’t tell if it’s for better or for worse yet.”

“ _For better or for worse_?” They both laughed painfully at the wording. Tension eased and Jennifer pushed to stand. Beckoned again for Billy to come away from the window. Which thankfully this time, he did.

“I just never thought it would be me,” she said, slipping her arms around him. “I never thought I would be That woman.” Lips pressed like she had nothing else to say. Billy’s hands went up to feel her hair, soft beneath his fingers from all that bathing. Jennifer sighed and pushed her face into his shoulder.

“I still want you.” He didn’t move.

"And I still want you.” Jennifer came up to see him. Drew closer. Lips barely brushing his. “I’ll always want you. I’ve missed you...I _miss_ you.”

“I’m right here.” Billy kissed her slowly. One hand on her chin to slip his tongue inside her mouth. Heard her sigh softly as they backed up and fell against the bottom half of the bed. Pressed his weight into her. Pushed her down. She opened her legs for him and let him lie there between them as they came apart. Came apart together. Like two knotted threads slowly unraveling.

“Can you feel that, Billy?” Jennifer panted at him. Stole his hand to slip it inside her robe. Pressed it against her breasts. Against her beating heart as it drummed beneath his fingers. _For you. For you. For you_. “It’s not pretend.”

Of course, it wasn’t. ‘Together’ was their palladium. All pretense slipped away when they were with each other. Billy massaged her breasts until she moaned for him. Arched her hips up into his. Rocked herself against his denim-clad thigh, until swollen red lips were parting in her want for him. In her need.

Then came a frantic knock on the door downstairs. Both teens stilled like they’d heard a gunshot. Jennifer froze beneath him and dragged her fingers to her lips. Tried to catch her breath as her eyes widened. Clearly not expecting visitors. Billy slipped up to see her face. Glanced behind him.

“Your husband got a habit of knocking?” He went over to the window and peered out. Fixed his eyes on the driveway. “His car’s not out front.”

“That’s ‘cause it won’t be him.” Bracing herself, Jennifer motioned for him to come back to the bed. Mouth on his jaw, suckling, when he fell back down on top of her. “It’s probably just some Girl Scout making her rounds through the neighborhood...Had a kid come last week selling lemonade.”

“You did promise me lemonade.” Billy nuzzled behind her ear. Cupped her jaw for access to her throat. “I could use a cool, sweet drink right about now.”

“Well, I’ve got something sweeter.” Jennifer sighed and tugged him closer. Legs slipping up to knot around his waist. “Something much,” she kissed him. “Much, much sweeter.” Billy traced the swell of her bottom lip with his thumb, and beneath him, Jennifer hummed. Took the digit into her mouth and sucked on it until it was slick and stained with red. Billy’s breath hitched in admiration.

“You’re beautiful.” They promptly fell back to kissing. Mouths slipping. Hands everywhere. “Think I could fucking-” Billy groaned when there was another knock on the door. This time, more frantic and more urgent than the last.

Jennifer quickly sat up again. “Maybe I should go see who it is.”

“Tell them we’re trying to have sex up here.”

“Very funny, dumbass.” The teen got up and tied her bathrobe tighter around her. Padded over to the window while Billy looked on. Caught his breath and came down some from his high. “Shit, Billy. I think it’s my brother.”

“Any chance you could get him to come back in half an hour?”

“ _Half an hour_?” Jennifer was frowning as she hurried out onto the landing. Stopped to smile at him on the top step. “I know you can do better than that.”

“No one likes a bragger,” he said.

“Stay humble, honey.”

 _Honey_. The name made Billy rock further back onto the bed. “I like it when you call me that.” _Honey. Honey. Honey._ It sounded so sweet on her lips. Cut amber dripping onto the sharp blade that was his heart. Candy on her tongue.

“You're such a sap.” Jennifer rolled her eyes as she bounded downstairs, but her heart was fluttering like a school girl’s when she opened the door. Leo Beaumont stood there with tears in his eyes. Eyes that welled and broke to cry when he saw his sister standing there too. Flung himself at her full force. Hands coming up instinctively to hold. “ _What’s the matter?”_ Jennifer’s heart beat faster. For all the wrong reasons that time. “Why are you crying? What’s-“

“It’s just everything.” The boy spluttered and wiped a snot streaked face into his sister’s side. Cried harder so Jennifer rocked him without a word. Rocked him like a baby on the bottom step, and simply let the poor kid cry.

\---

“I wanna ask you something.” Jennifer cornered her husband when he was getting ready for bed that night. Mouth full of toothpaste so she spoke quickly while she had the chance. “Don’t say anything until you’ve thought about it.”

“I’m listening.” Tommy spat and rinsed. Made no such promises.

“I want my brother to come and stay with us,” she said.

“You want what?”

“Only for a little while.” Fingers felt persuasively for his shirt sleeve. Curled into fabric. “Leo came over tonight and he was upset. _Really upset._ Said that mom had been drinking herself into a coma all day while he was at school. Woke up when he came home and didn’t know where she was. Peed herself.”

“Your mother’s always been...” Tommy sighed at that. “Difficult.”

“Difficult? Tommy, she’s fucking psychotic.”

“She’s not psychotic, Jennifer. She’s just dependent on alcohol.” Her husband brushed her hand away and began to unbutton his shirt. Jennifer retreated to the edge of the bath, which she sat on until he’d finished changing. “I suppose having your brother come stay with us will bump the bills up a little.”

“You say that like we can’t afford it,” she said.

“Oh, we can afford it. I just want you to remember it, that’s all. It was only last week I was paying your mother's electric bill for her. Which by the way,” he added. “Wouldn’t be so huge if she didn’t fall asleep every night with the TV running.” Jennifer felt herself slowly growing warmer. Ripening.

“You know I promised to pay you back for that. I told you I would. Every last cent, remember?” He cocked his head at her in the mirror.

“I don’t want you to pay me back.”

“Why not? So you can keep holding it over me like you’re doing now?”

“Because you’re my wife,” He fired back. Actually had the gall to look offended about it, and Jennifer’s heart softened just a little at the look he gave her. Let him come over and kiss behind her ear. “Because it’s my job to take care of you,” he soothed. “ _And_...because I love you.”

Of course, he did. Guilt nagged. “I love you too, Tommy.”

“I know you do.”

“And you’ll let my brother stay?”

“I’ll think about it,” he said.

“You’ll think about it?”

“You’ll have your answer by morning.”

“You sound like you’re a king.” Jennifer laughed loudly at his response. The wrong thing to do when she saw his face. “You’re talking to me like you own me or something,” she said anyway. “It’s my house too, isn’t it?“

Tommy whirled on her for that one. “You know for somebody who hasn’t said a word to me all night, you’ve suddenly got a lot to fucking say.”

“How can I say anything to you when you just go straight into your study?” She snapped. Thought about getting up but decided against it. “You know, most men don’t make a habit of moving from one office to another, Tommy.”

“And what the hell do you know about men?” She swallowed down his meanness when he dished it out. Felt it sting when it settled, cold and metallic in her belly. “If I didn’t know you any better, I’d say you wanted a fight tonight.”

“Of course I don’t.” Hands went clammy. Sticky on her nightgown skirt. “But my brother’s a good boy, Tommy. And I know he wouldn’t cause any trouble.”

“No,” he sighed. “I don’t doubt that he would.”

“ _Then what’s the problem?_ ” Jennifer saw his forehead creasing at her tone. A nudge over the line that Tommy drew out for her. Dared herself to keep going, and wondered how far she could inch herself along it before he snapped. “I do plenty for you,” she announced boldly. “I cook for you, and I clean for you, and I do your dirty laundry. Don’t I ask you how your day was before you even get through the door?” She sprang up at that and stood tall to face him. “Are you so reluctant to do anything good for anybody when it doesn’t benefit you?”

A finger shook in her face. Threatening. “If you don’t watch your mouth...”

“You’ll do what?” A beautiful thrill sparked through her at the volume of her voice. Echoing brilliantly against the bathroom tiles because she’d never raised it so high before. “You’ll write me up a note and send me to a doctor’s office? Shove more pills down my throat to keep me quiet? Or will you butter me up with a slutty nightgown so you can fuck it all better-”

Tommy snapped. Shoved her back into the wall.

“I thought I just told you to watch your mouth.” Eyes flashed and that finger loomed close again to point. She tried to push past him but was held back. Pinned there with a hand on her jaw. “You’re starting to get real cocky Jennifer, and I don’t think I like it.” Nostrils flared. Tommy’s grip slackened. Looked at her like an exasperated parent. “The hell has gotten into you?”

“Nothing.” It came out as a whisper so she said it again. “ _Nothing_ , I’m just-”

“Acting like a spoiled brat who isn’t getting her way?”

“I’m just trying to look out for my brother. You’d understand that too if you had one. Wouldn’t you try to do the same?” She squirmed against him but Tommy ignored her. Tears welled and he pretended he couldn’t see. “I’m just trying to protect him. Why are you being like this? You’re scaring me.”

 _You’re scaring me._ There was a beat and Tommy let her go. Softer fingers slipped beneath her bangs to feel her temple. Pressed down so Jennifer hissed and turned away. “Did you hurt your head?”

“Don’t.” Her voice cracked and she stared at the floor. Blurred vision. Lashes clumping. Tommy withdrew to the bathroom cabinet and returned with her nighttime pills. Offered them her in the cup of his palm. Candy for the baby.

“You’re not gonna take them?” Tommy hummed when she shook her head, hands slipping back to his sides. “And you’re not even gonna look at me?”

“You told me that you wouldn’t.”

“Wouldn’t what?”

“ _Hit me_. You said you wouldn’t ever hit me.”

Tommy exhaled slowly through his nose. Laughed like Jennifer had just read him a funny line in the paper. “I didn’t hit you.” The words stung even more because they were true. “If you smile for me, I’ll let your brother stay.”

The sweetness of his promise was enough to rouse Jennifer from her quiet sulking. Eyed him pensively against the wall. “You really mean that?”

“You know, if you’d waited a little longer I’d have said yes anyway.” She somehow doubted that were true.

“And a smile’s all you want?”

“A smile’s all I want.” It went without saying that he would take her to bed later, and Jennifer would thank him in the way that she was used to. Let Tommy guzzle up all her honeyed sweetness until he was full and fat. Chin dripping as he stole her nectar away. Then pumped her full of bleach and molten. Singed that little cherry red heart until it was caramelized in his hands. Gloop.

\---

“You’re really gonna love living here, Lee.” House tour almost over, Jennifer led her brother into the spare bedroom at the back of the house; A clean, white room that still smelled faintly of paint. Never used. Never slept in. A queen-sized bed beneath the window. A tiny TV by the opposite wall. “You know, when Tommy works late, I’ll let you stay up as long as you want. You can watch all the scary movies you can handle. And throwing up candy is compulsory.”

Jennifer hovered there anxiously on the carpet. So eager to please. Chewed on her bottom lip and chain-smoked her cigarettes, and waited for Leo to smile. “It’s great,” he said, at last. Sounded flat so he tried it again. “I feel like one of the rich kids at school. I never had a TV in my room before.”

“You really like it?” She glowed at that. “Used to be in the kitchen but I asked Tommy if you could have it.”

“Does it have cable?”

“Sure does. You’ll even be able to watch Knight Rider.” Leo perked up a little at that. Shuffled his way over to the window with his one small suitcase. Jennifer dragged nervously on her smoke. “Are you missing mom?”

“A little. I guess it’s weird not having her around.”

“You know you can see her whenever you want though, right? And you can go home whenever you feel like it. I just...” His older sister came and joined him by the window. Eyes on the garden below. “I’ve just really missed not having you around,” she said. “I miss not seeing you every day...I get so lonely.”

“I thought the only reason people got married was so they didn’t have to be lonely?” Leo spied the small, raised bump beneath his sister’s bangs, but didn’t comment on it. Small raindrops began to patter on the window outside.

“Marriage sure isn’t what I thought it’d be.” Jennifer chased a droplet with her eyes. Raced it all the way down the windowpane. “Maybe I should have stayed in school a little longer before marrying Tommy. Then maybe I’d be smarter and he wouldn’t get so...”

“So...what?” Neither sibling looked at one another.

“So _exasperated_. I make him feel like he’s always having to teach me something. Maybe if I was smarter, he wouldn’t have to do that.”

“You _are_ smart though,” Leo insisted, and Jennifer gave a bitter laugh that chilled him.

“No, I’m not. Not compared to him. Sometimes I get so tongue-tied around him, I can’t even speak.” It ate away at her. The desire to be smart. The desire to say something funny enough and clever enough to have him smile at her. To be a Cool Girl. A Cool Girl with a sharp tongue. The kind of girl that could argue with her husband and stand her ground. A tidal wave that couldn’t be knocked down and flattened into a bathroom tile. “ _But_ ,” she admitted. “He takes care of me. And if I didn’t live here, you’d still be stuck at home with mom, wouldn’t you? We both would.” She thought she was lucky in a sense.

“You wanna know what I think?” Leo asked.

Jennifer waited.“What do you think, Leo?”

“I think I’ll stay with you as long as you need me to.” His sister turned to him then, and relief blossomed and swelled. As the younger boy had done on the doorstep a day earlier, Jennifer threw herself into her brother’s arms. Knew that he would catch her the same way she had caught him. Cling tight and never let go. It was nice to be heard without having to say anything. To know that all of the unspoken things were still heard by somebody, and that they mattered just as much than as if they had been spoken out loud. She started crying softly like the rain on the window, and she still didn’t speak. Tear tracks on her cheeks like chemtrails smearing a clear, blue sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) Stick around and let me know what you think, or talk to me on my tumblr xoxo


	12. Not Like The Movies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Drunken phone calls, hot pink sweater dresses, and mean girls at the diner. Starting where we left off, which is the pit of despair~ Also, my trigger warnings look like a grocery list but I’m just being careful. Starts off pretty heavy but I promise it gets a little lighter towards the end!! 🥺
> 
> TW: Gaslighting/Manipulation. Brief mention of suicide. Sexual references. Rough sex. Tommy being an asshole. Bullying. Light talk of a previous statutory rape. Some derogatory/classist comments.

“So what,” Leo said. “You didn’t like the movie?”

“Sure, I liked the movie. Just thought the ending sucked, that’s all.”

Jennifer tossed her popcorn as they came out of the darkened movie theater. Squinted at that lazuli sky. Clear and sunny. A lone white cloud floating.

Looked for a rainbow somewhere but knew it was stupid to expect it.

Rainbows were what dreams were made of.

“Not every movie has to have a happy ending, Jen.”

“I know that.” They began walking. “But it would have been nice, you know. If Travis and Jane had gotten together again at the end. If he hadn’t just...”

“Fucked off in his car?” Leo offered.

Jennifer punched his arm as they cut across the street. “The hell have I told you about swearing, Leonard Beaumont? But yes,” she softened. “If he hadn’t just ‘fucked off’ in his car. I think I’d have liked the ending a lot more.”

“It’s realism though, isn’t it?”

“Realism?”

“Authenticity,” Leo explained. “True to life.”

“Maybe I don’t want realism," she said. "If I wanted realism, I’d have stayed at home.” With that, she caught her brother’s hand and swung it. Kept hold of it the entire walk back. Wished for a world that was full of happy endings. Ruby red slippers and soft kisses in the rain. Fades to black while the credits rolled.

There was a tan-colored car sitting in the driveway when they neared the house. Jennifer slowed her pace when she saw it and Leo looked up.

“Whose car is that?”

“It’s Fox. It’s Tommy’s dad.” Jennifer wondered what on earth he could be here for. “Listen, Leo...why don’t you run inside and watch some TV for me?”

“Better yet.” Fox was waiting for them on the doorstep. Ruffled Leo’s hair with a smile. “I bet you’d like a couple of bucks for a comic, right?” Leo beamed as he took the money. Made to run off but Jennifer bristled and caught his sleeve.

“Hurry back, won’t you?” She turned stiffly to her father-in-law. “If you’re here to see Tommy, then he isn’t usually back until six.”

“Lucky then that I’m here to see you, isn’t it?” Fox followed her inside when she unlocked the door. Watched her set her purse down on the hall table.

“Have I missed an appointment or something?”

She gestured for him to take off his coat but he didn’t seem to hear her. Crossed with her into the sitting room while he dipped into his pockets for a cigarette. “You’re acting like I’ve never paid you a visit before.”

Jennifer’s stare was suspicious.

“That’s because you haven’t.”

“Well,” he said, agreeing. “There’s a first time for everything, right?”

The older man stared and a bumbling awkwardness grew. Jennifer retreated to the kitchen without a word. Stretched to pull two white mugs to the counter.

Something to do. Something to keep the nerves at bay.

“I seem to have misplaced my lighter.” Fox came to loom in the doorway. Reminded her of her husband if she watched him from the corner of her eye.

Jennifer glanced at him over her shoulder. Water was brewing.

“In my purse,” she offered. “In the hallway.”

Fox went out and returned with his cigarette lit. Watched as she smiled uneasily and poured the coffee with shaking hands. Passed the steaming mug.

“You take it with cream and sugar, right?” They went into the sitting room and sat neatly at opposite ends of the couch. Jennifer’s hands were all clammy on her white tennis skirt. “You take your coffee the same way Tommy does.”

“An inherited taste.” Fox hummed and tipped back to drink. Then smiled at the wondering girl. “I may have to steal you,” he mused.

 _“Excuse me?”_ The coffee burned the roof of her mouth. Went down too quickly in her surprise so Jennifer choked and swallowed. “What did you say?”

“Your talents are beyond wasted working at that diner. You should come work for me. Be my assistant. Bring coffee to all my appointments and meetings.”

“Is that why you came here, is it?” Jennifer’s smile was tight because it was so hard to tell if he was joking or not. “To hire me as your little coffee girl?”

“Wouldn’t you like that, Jennifer?”

“No, I wouldn’t.” Her smile fell. “I’m happy where I am.”

“Working on your feet all day isn’t going to be doing you any favors.” The man sipped more coffee while Jennifer began to fidget. Had a sense of where the conversation was heading. “Women need rest if they’re trying to conceive.”

“And here I was,” she quipped quickly. “Thinking they needed lots of sex.”

Fox didn’t laugh at the joke. Couldn’t even bring himself to try a smile.

“My son’s always wanted a family, you know. Ever since his mother died I think he’s yearned for one. A little family to take care of. To come home to.”

Jennifer’s coffee was all chalky at the bottom. “He never talks to me about it.”

“Yes. Well, he wouldn’t, would he?” Fox sat back and dragged on his cigarette. Gray smoke bloomed from his lips. “People like to think eight is too young to remember. But I know for a fact he still thinks about what happened that day.”

“Birthdays are hard for him,” Jennifer agreed. “I can’t blame him for that.”

“And turning twenty-five this year was probably even harder. That’s how old she was when she jumped, you know. Twenty-five.” Her father-in-law grew sober and paused to think. “It’s been a very long seventeen years without my Mary,” he said. “But Tommy isn’t so alone now that he has you.”

“He’s always had me.” Jennifer tasted guilt so she tried to wash it down with more coffee. “I’ve always been his friend. Ever since we were kids.”

“But you’re his wife now,” Fox explained. “And your duty goes far beyond being a friend to him. You need to give your husband what he wants, Jennifer.”

_And that was a family. The family that he had never had._

She pictured herself in a year’s time. Plump and fat, with a baby on her hip. Beautiful. Glowing. Cheeks like roses. Saw Tommy coming home to help her bathe him before bed. Splashing water. Blowing raspberries on his tummy.

She saw them taking long days out on the beach too. Jennifer in a modest swimsuit, and Tommy showing off all his chest hair in the sun. Smothering their child in sunscreen. Warning him not to wander too far out into the sea.

She saw him disappearing the way Laura had disappeared. Tommy’s face when he realized he was gone. Her own screams. Frantic as they searched.

Saw Tommy turning on her the way her father had done to her own mother. Spitting that it was her fault. _Her fault._ Bullying her until she turned to drink.

“Your mother always wanted you.” Fox spoke softly like he’d been able to read her mind. Brought Jennifer gently back to the Lewinsky’s sitting room. “I know it’s hard sometimes to believe it, but it’s true. You have no idea how hard your mother struggled to have you. What that woman would have given...what a miracle it was when you and Laura suddenly appeared.”

“It doesn’t feel like she’s ever wanted me.”

She wondered sadly if her own child would say the same one day. If it would suffer from all her distant coldness. If she would ever make an effort and try to love it. Or if she would simply leave the loving part to Tommy.

Fox Lewinsky smiled like he had her wrapped up and bound with a pretty pink bow. “Just make him happy, Jennifer. Isn’t that your job, dear? Your _real_ job. To love, cherish, and obey...” He trailed off and Jennifer knew he expected her to finish. Took her chin and held it just that little bit tighter until she did.

Her heart swelled as she waited one beat.

Then uttered those damning words.

 _“Until death do us part_ ,” she chimed out flatly.

And she tightened that little pink bow.

\---

It was precisely six o’clock when Tommy’s car rolled to a stop on the driveway that night. Tommy got out and fixed his suit. Eyed the pearly, iridescent haze that the sprinklers made on next door’s lawn. Glassy droplets on the roses. Pretty as a picture. Humming to himself as he approached the house.

Knew that the neighbors would be watching as always.

“Darling,” Jennifer answered the door in high heels and makeup. Wore tights and a short pink sweater dress that rode over her thighs. “How was your day?”

“Average. You look nice.” He bent her over his arm when he kissed her. Let the neighbors see. “You look beautiful...But what’s the special occasion?”

“I didn’t know I needed an occasion to look nice for you.” They both pretended not to notice her gritted teeth. How hard she was trying for him. Giving him an Oscar-worthy performance. “I'm making you dinner. Leo ate early so he went to a friend’s house.” Jennifer was already swaying a little as they went inside.

“Isn’t that wine supposed to be for the food?” Tommy shadowed the kitchen doorway while she floated. Hands in his pockets. Watching her in amusement.

Jennifer smiled and flipped over the steaks. Bloody and pink in their pan.

“I might have gotten a little thirsty,” she admitted guiltily. “But it’s okay. Wine doesn’t ruin my appetite.” Tommy circled the counter and pressed her up against it. Breath hitched and heat wafted up to redden her cheeks.

“Just makes you more agreeable, huh?” He kissed the back of her neck. Felt for her waist under all that sweater. “Have I told you how good you look yet?”

“You might have mentioned it already,” she hummed.

“Are you trying to impress me tonight, Jennifer?”

Dark eyes flashed quickly to the counter at that.

“What for?” She asked him flatly. “You already married me.”

“Very funny.” Tommy kissed her and eased her down over the counter. And because she had promised to try, she let him. Felt for his hands while the counter edge pressed into her belly. Black marble. Sharp like a razor blade.

Cold and hard against her cheek. “Talk to me, Tommy.”

“What about?”

“Anything,” she tried. “Just say anything.”

Tommy’s knee came up between her legs. “What do you want me to say?”

“Do you remember when I was ten, and you saved me from drowning?”

“At the lake house.” Tommy laughed at the sudden absurdity of the conversation. "What on earth are you thinking about that for?”

“I swam out too far and got cramp, remember?” Jennifer seemed to be almost dreaming. “You dived off the jetty to come fetch me. You were so fast. So strong. I might have died if it wasn’t for you. You saved my life that day.”

“Sure did.” Tommy twisted her wrists behind her back.

“And you’ve always looked out for me, haven’t you?”

“Sure have.” A curl shifted and fell across her face. “What is this?”

“I just want to ask you something. About that night at the Slow Club.” Jennifer sighed when he kissed her slowly. Thought of the sad little boy who dreaded birthdays. “If I hadn’t come in that night after leaving the dance...would you have still wanted me? I mean... _why did you kiss me that night?_ ”

“It was a little more than a kiss, don’t you think?” Tommy smiled at her reaction. Caught her blushing deeply. Enjoyed it. “Because I wanted you.”

“You wanted me?”

“Jennifer, every man in that room wanted you. You were beautiful. And you have no idea how fucking crazy my heart was going, when out of all the men in the club that night you came right over to me. Sat down at my table like you’d planned it. Took my drink right out of my hand and knocked it back.” Tommy slackened her wrists to bend over her. Breathed in her soapy, perfumed smell. 

Inhaled deeply through his nose like he could have consumed her all.

Jennifer thought he might try to.

“When I took you out to my car that night,” he went on in her ear. “I knew that every man wanted to be me." Thumbs swept tears away but he didn't ask why she was crying. "And every look they gave me was like a shot of dopamine.”

She tried to make some sense of what he’d told her. Tried to find the space where the love part fit in. Knew that ‘wanting’ and ‘loving’ were two separate things, but thought she could make them unanimous if she tried very hard.

“Are those happy tears?” A hand raised her chin to see him there, glowing in the evening light. Jennifer smiled a silly, drunken smile. Arched her back to kiss him deeper. Then shone and spoke her lines so perfect.

“What else would they be?”

Certainly nothing else.

It was good enough for him. 

“Put your belly back down.” Tommy shifted fabric aside and she heard Lycra tear. Must have looked disgruntled because he laughed and kissed her cheek. “I’ll buy you some more tights,” he promised. “Whatever you want.”

“Whateve _r I_ want?” Jennifer snickered when he gripped her to press inside.

A glimmer of annoyance sparked in her ribs. Was quickly quelled again by the feeling of him inside of her. Pain in her belly as they rocked against the counter. Hands twisted behind her back because he wanted her still.

“Just like that?” Tommy was all worked up tonight. Hungry. Aggressive. Still held back a little when he saw the grimace she gave him. “Does it hurt?”

“ _Yes_.” Jennifer gripped the counter edge when he slackened his grip on her hands. Gritted teeth and focused on that fire building in her belly. “But don’t stop yet. I like it.”

It was a good pain. Dulling that emptiness she felt until it was muted and far away. Jennifer gave a yelp that was almost self-indulgent. Spurred Tommy on, because a second later he gave a groan, and she felt that slickness between her thighs. A pause as he fixed himself up behind her.

“Did you come?”

“Yes.” _No. Like hell she did._

Jennifer slumped against the worktop while she heaved for air. Didn’t try to move or attend to the steaks still bubbling in their pan. 

Tommy took her by the elbow and twisted her into him.

“You should have asked me to stop,” he said.

“What for?” She was shaking. “I liked it.”

“No, you didn’t.” He gripped her arm that time like it was her fault. Like he couldn’t have stopped unless she’d asked him to. “Not supposed to hurt you.”

And yet he had anyway. Jennifer wanted to say it but thought better.

Lips parted as they stared at one another.

Then the phone rang from the other room. Tommy immediately backed off.

“I’ll have to get that,” he said briskly. “If it’s work.”

He left her to compose herself while he hurried to answer it. Jennifer pulled up her ruined tights and turned down the heat on the cooker. Spotted the wine bottle on the counter so she swigged from it greedily. Drank and drank.

Felt that emptiness creeping back in again. Soreness subsiding. A dull ache.

Wondered what would happen if she put her hand into the flames.

Whether it would burn or if she would even feel it.

“ _And you’re sure it was her? You’re sure it was Ivy?_ ” Tommy’s voice carried because he hadn’t shut the door the whole way. Jennifer perked up at the sound and cocked her head. Went out into the hall to listen. “There’s only so many places the bitch can be,” he scoffed. “She’s not that fucking smart.”

There was a lull in the conversation while the person on the other line spoke.

Jennifer peered through the crack in the door and Tommy turned as if just noticing her. Caught her eye. Then quickly killed the conversation dead.

“Listen,” he said soberly. “I have to go. But I’ll be there soon, alright?”

“Who was that?” Jennifer asked him even though she knew he wouldn’t say. Watched him put the phone down and do up his tie. Didn’t try to come in, but when Tommy came out she put her arms around him and kissed him silly.

“Don’t act like you weren’t listening.” He walked forward while she walked back. Didn’t make her let go. “I have to go out now. I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

“Something happened, has it?”

“You don’t need to know,” he grunted.

“But you said-”

“I said what?” One look her way and she was silent again. “That’s what I thought. Be a good girl and don’t wait up. Lock this door when I leave, okay?”

“You mean, you’re not even staying for dinner?” She followed him out to the hallway and sank against the stairs while he grabbed his keys. Pouted at him indignantly. A spoiled little child. “You’re just leaving?”

“I can’t deal with your sulking tonight, kid.” Irritation laced his voice but he hid it well. “Now come over here and give me a kiss goodnight.”

“ _No_.” Jennifer backed up. Saw his eyebrows lifting at the refusal.

Her husband laughed like it was all a joke. Then seized her with strong hands to twist her into him. Pressed his mouth roughly against her until she couldn’t breathe. Until she was red-faced and scowling at the cruel trick.

Tommy chucked up her chin.

“Lock this door,” he reminded her. And then just like that, he was gone.

Breath heaved from Jennifer when she was alone again.

Watched his car swing out onto the darkening street.

Shadows stretched long and orange porch lights illuminated.

“Fucking asshole.” She took the phone with her to the couch and dialed.

Billy answered on the second ring. “Hargrove residence.”

“It’s me,” she said. There was a brief pause on the opposite line like he was taking the phone into another room. She heard the murmur of a TV set in the background and then the sound of a door softly closing.

“Are you alright?” His voice was low in her ear. “Are you okay to talk?”

“Tommy’s not home.” She winced and touched her temple. Picked at a ladder in her tights. “He’s not here. He’s gone out. I don’t know when he’ll be back.”

“Has something happened, Jen?” A smaller pause followed.

“Yes,” she said. “About three or four months ago. I married a man I shouldn’t have married, and I fucked my whole life up.” She waited for him to jump in and say something. He didn’t. “ _Why did I marry him?_ ” Her eyes watered but Billy still didn’t speak. “I made such a fool of myself tonight.”

“Do you need me to come over?”

“You can’t,” she sighed. “I don’t know when he’ll be back.”

“I don’t care about that.” He said it again a little louder that time. As if he was trying to prove he meant it. Jennifer didn’t doubt it anyway. Not for a moment.

“I want you.” She drew her knees up and put her head back against the couch. Thought about that afternoon when the rain had drowned out the rest of the world. When he’d pushed her back into the seat and put his hands between her legs. Made her cry out. Shake. Sob into his hair.

“All I can think about right now is how much I want to have sex with you,” she confessed with a little smile. “I don’t even mean that in a dirty way. I’m not trying to turn you on or anything. I just...I’ve been feeling so empty lately. And I want you inside of me. I want you to fill me up. And then maybe...I don’t know. I just think maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad after that.”

“You can’t say something like that and not expect me to get a little turned on.” Billy laughed but quickly sobered again. “What the hell happened tonight?”

“I made him dinner,” she said. “And then we fucked...It was horrible.”

“Why was it horrible?”

“It just was.” She ached still. “Will you meet me after work tomorrow?”

“Why? You wanna do something?”

“Yeah,” she laughed. “I think _we_ should fuck.”

There was a noise in her ear like Billy was laughing too, and he cleared his throat several times. Jennifer’s stomach grew warm at the thought of Billy being embarrassed. Of him turning into putty the way she so often did.

“Alright,” he agreed, at last. “But if we’re doing this, then we’re doing it properly, okay? I’m not screwing you at home so we can get interrupted by Girl Scouts, or snotty-nosed kid brothers.” Billy’s front was back up and all the hot embarrassment of before was gone. “Let me take you to a motel.”

“A motel?” Jennifer scoffed to laugh. Covered her mouth like it was her turn to be embarrassed. “You know any good motels in this shithole of a town, Billy?”

She heard sniggering again from his end of the line.

“Who said anything about finding a good one? Everyone knows the shittier the motel is, the better the sex.” Jennifer laughed out loud at that, and Billy smiled to himself over the phone. “Are you gonna be alright until tomorrow?”

“Oh,” she sighed, turning as pink as her dress. “I think I just might be now.”

“And you’ll try not to think of me too much until I see you?”

“I don’t know if I can promise that.” Jennifer clicked her tongue and ran her hand down the back of the couch. Thought of Billy kissing her tomorrow at the motel. Pulling her into him. Hands everywhere. “Billy, honey?”

“Yeah, Jen?” She already knew he was smiling at the nickname.

 _“I’ll see you in my dreams_ ,” she sang. And Billy was smiling still when he answered, seconds later. Filled her heart and made her stomach flutter.

 _“Not if I see you first_ ,” he said. And Jennifer dried her welling eyes.

\---

“Get that table, sweetie.” Darleen huffed for breath behind the red plastic counter. Snapped the register closed with her hip while Jennifer skated by with a coffee pot. Bells chimed like crazy in the kitchen behind them.

Rush hour at the diner. The usual stunt.

“Gimme a sec, Darl. Order’s up for table nine.” Jennifer craned for the tray of milkshakes and fries. A crowded window table sitting in wait. A group of white-toothed teens from the high school, including Monica. Mostly girls but a few boys too. Sat chewing gum and tinkering with their change for the Jukebox.

They all seemed to laugh a little louder when Jennifer approached.

One girl, Donna Conaway, flicked her blonde hair in amusement.

“Can I get you guys anything else?” Milkshakes were helpfully passed around the table. Jennifer caught Monica’s eye to smile. Donna Conaway’s perfect nose curled slightly, and a well-practiced smile was quickly fixed in place.

“ _Actually_ , yes. I’m just dying to know where you got your uniform from.”

There were a few sniggers as the rest of the group looked on.

Jennifer glanced uneasily between them all. Seemed to bridle a little.

“You...want to know where I got my uniform from?”

“Of course, I do.” Donna beamed up sweetly at the waitress. “That’s such a pretty color on you. And it goes with your complexion so well.”

Another round of giggles followed. This time there were smirks too.

Jennifer bit her tongue. “Are you hoping to apply for a position here?”

“Oh, I would. But I don’t think I could handle smelling like fried food all day.”

One of the boys sitting closest, guffawed at that. Eyed Jennifer’s legs brazenly and twitched at the hem of her skirt. Jennifer pretended she hadn’t noticed.

Wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing her blush.

“Is there anything else I can help you with that actually concerns your order?”

A smaller girl at the back quickly piped up. “I didn’t order the cherry shake.”

_“Yes, you did.”_

“Actually, I didn’t. Are you calling me a liar? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed.” The girl slipped the milkshake over to Donna, who glowed at the prospect of a new game. “Isn’t the customer supposed to be always right?”

“You would think so, wouldn’t you?”

Monica laughed to quell some uneasiness. “Cut it out, you guys.”

“Cut what out? I just want what I ordered. Is it that hard?”

“No, she’s right, you know.” Donna softened a little. Ran a finger around the lip of her glass. “We shouldn’t be so harsh on poor Jenny. It must be real difficult having to remember whether someone ordered a cherry or a chocolate.”

“Practically rocket science,” another girl snickered. “Don’t you have to do like a full week of training?” More laughter swelled and Jennifer’s heartbeat picked up. Monica tried one more time to quieten the rabble. Sat nervously back.

“And we _all_ miss you so much at school,” Donna went on, pouting and batting her eyes. “You used to be so much fun to be around. But you know, maybe you could come work at the cafeteria or something. I don’t think the uniform’s as cute, but at least we could see you every day, right?”

“I’m not so sure I could stomach seeing you every day.” Jennifer snatched for the cherry shake. Vibrated. “I’ll be right back with a chocolate, alright?”

She stalked back to the kitchens and returned with the ‘corrected’ order.

Heard Donna’s voice raised in a high, excited whisper as she approached.

“And my mom says there’s no way a twenty-five-year-old wants anything to do with a teenager unless he’s knocked her up.” Donna smirked and watched Jennifer approach from the corner of her eye. Knew she could hear her every word. “Doesn’t look very pregnant to me, but you know, maybe she had a miscarriage or something. I heard she was only seventeen when he screwed her. Getting pregnant that young can really mess up your insides, you know.”

There were more nervous giggles around the table.

“And he probably only married her to escape a felony charge.”

That did it. Fuck that.

There were screams as milkshake went everywhere.

Donna sprang up from her chair at the same time Jennifer stepped back. Had splashed a little on her own skirt but she didn’t care. Chocolate slop dripped in glops from the blonde’s high ponytail. Plopped to her shoulders and ran down.

Shocked teens recovered to laugh and whoop in droves.

“Jennifer, you are such a freak!” Donna wailed and somebody came forward with a napkin. Didn’t do much. “How am I even supposed to get this shit out?”

The empty glass smacked to the counter. “ _Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.”_

Jennifer shook and elbowed her way out. Heard Monica calling after her but she didn’t slow. Went and crouched at the back of the restaurant where she usually took her breaks. Trembled and tried to light a cigarette before breaking to cry. Seemed like crying was all she ever fucking did nowadays.

“I’m sorry.” Monica tiptoed cautiously around the corner. Saw her friend sitting there and paled at the tears. “They’re assholes, Jen. They’re like that with everyone if you don’t go along with it.” She offered up a crumpled napkin.

“They used to be my friends.” Jennifer sniffed and rubbed hard at the wet stain. “I used to be one of them, you know? I used to be Somebody and now I’m just a-” She scoffed and shifted in the dirt. “What the hell is her damage?”

“Donna Conaway’s always been a megabitch.”

“But she didn't use to be. She liked me...I know she did.”

“She only liked you back then ‘cause you were Billy’s girl.” Grimacing at the dirt, Monica crossed to join her. Crouched down there too. “You’re just not Queen Bee anymore,” she said. “And loyalty’s a dirty word in High School.”

Jennifer stopped crying and rubbed at her eyes. “So now that I’m a waitress, I’m just what? _Trailer trash_?” She seemed more angry now than anything. Bitter, for want of a better word. “I live on fucking 44th Street,” she snapped.

Monica smiled gently. “I don’t think that means anything to people like Donna.”

"I just wish I could have said something brilliant,” she admitted. “I always get so tongue-tied around the bullies. Never know what to say.” She put her cigarettes away and stared at the ground. “Even if I did have the words, I’d never have the guts to say it...I’m useless at sticking up to people. Always have been.”

“I’m sorry,” her friend laughed. “But you _just_ threw a milkshake at her head.”

“Which I’m probably gonna get fired for now.”

“I don’t know about that. Darleen seemed pretty worried about you inside.”

“She did?” Hope fluttered up to ease some of the anxiety there. Jennifer brought a hand to her mouth as both women fell into silence. Touched her lips.

“I’m having an affair, Mon.” It sounded alien and strange when she said it, and Jennifer cringed to wipe her mouth clean. Saw Monica’s eyes widen in surprise so she sighed and looked away. “It’s gross, I know. But it’s not like I planned it.”

“You’re having an affair?” Eyes widened a little more. “But... _with who?”_

“Who do you think? With Billy.”

“With Billy? Christ, Jen, you’re-” Monica broke in exasperation to shake her head. The girl never made things easy for herself. “What about Tommy?”

“What about him? He doesn’t know, obviously.”

“But...don’t you love him anymore?”

“I don’t know. I’m not so sure he loves _me_ ,” she said. “I think he loves that I can cook and clean, and he loves that he’s got a piece of ass to fuck whenever he wants but...I don’t think he ‘loves’ loves me. I don’t know. He’s different now.”

“Different how?”

“Just different.”

Monica stirred and went very quiet. “That’s what my mom said about my dad, you know. That he was different? Twenty-four years and suddenly you’re just not in love anymore. Sometimes, I can’t even fathom how that even works.”

Jennifer thought she could.

"It’s just...not like the movies, you know? You think it’s gonna be. And you think it's all gonna play out exactly how you want it, and you’ll both be happy forever. But it never does work out like that. At least, not for very long.” The teen sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Maybe there’s no such thing as fairytale endings.”

“I don’t think that’s true." Monica jumped in.

"You don’t?" Dark eyes turned to her. Full of hope.

"I just don’t think you’ve had your fairytale ending yet," the girl said kindly. “I don't think any of us have. _I mean,_ _look at us_. We’re eighteen. Barely out of high school and we’re still setting the story up. All of this messy shit is just the stuff they throw into the middle to keep the audience interested.” Monica laughed and touched her arm. “You’ve just gotta have a little faith, that’s all.”

It was a lovely sentiment. Heart-warming. But Jennifer still soured at another thought. “Your mom didn’t get her fairytale ending though, did she?”

"She left my dad," the other teen said after some serious thought. "Twenty-four years of heinous unhappiness, and she signed an end to it all in a lawyer's office last year...Now doesn’t that sound like a fairytale ending to you?"

Maybe there _were_ some fairytale endings after all. 

And maybe they didn’t _all_ play out like they did in the movies. 

And maybe that was a good thing, Jennifer thought. 

Maybe that was just how it was supposed to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's power in female friendships!! Thanks for sticking around. Drop a comment if you have the time and let me know what you think. Or, talk to me anytime on my tumblr Nottherightseason xoxo


	13. Jennifer's Body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Billy and Jennifer have their liaison at the motel, but Leo causes problems for her with Tommy when she gets back. A darker chapter, especially towards the end, but I promise lighter things in the next. Taglist is always open xoxo
> 
> TW: Sexual references. Smut. Cheating. ‘Mild’ domestic violence. A light, non-explicit threat of marital rape that isn’t carried through.

“Are you going to be alright for a couple of hours?” A TV buzzed in the background while Jennifer got ready. Played old home movies from much happier times. Dance recitals, and Easter egg hunts. Picnics in the park.

Leo stretched on the couch to observe her there, fixing gold drop jewelry into her ears. Narrowed his eyes at her all suspicious. “Why? Are you going out?”

Tonight, she wore high acid wash jeans and a knitted red sweater. Kept her hair loose and swept over one shoulder while she fixed her jewelry in place.

Jennifer brought her shoulders up to shrug.

"Just thought I’d go see a friend,” she said. “I won’t be long, okay?”

“Going to see Monica?”

“If you call her,” she smiled secretively. “That’s where I’ll be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, Leo. I’ll see you at eight, okay?”

“Hey, wait a minute.” Her brother’s voice pulled her back just as she made it to the door. Turned to him with an impatient smile as he pointed to a scene on the TV. “When do you think this was filmed? Any guesses?”

“It says the date on the bottom, dingus.” Jennifer laughed and pointed. _The fourth of July, 1966_. Her mother laughing too as she cut red and blue cake at a family barbecue. “That only makes it a few weeks before I was born.”

“That can’t be right though,” Leo said.

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know.” The boy shrugged and took off his glasses to clean them. Put them back on again to frown. “I guess it must be right if it says so.”

Jennifer’s stare was uneasy.

“You think too much,” she said, backing out into the hallway for her coat. “If Tommy gets home before me, tell him there’s some leftovers in the fridge if you absolutely can’t wait until dinner.” 

Leo caught the scent of her then as she swept by him. Came closer to press a cherry red kiss against his skin. She smelled like too much hairspray and that perfume she wore. _Must de Cartier._ Usually only ever for special occasions.

“You’re not going to Monica’s, are you?” He caught her wrist to stare and Jennifer froze. Stared back glassily before gently easing herself free.

“Don’t get involved in things you’re too young to understand, Leo.” She looked almost sorry as she paused at the door. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Headlights pulled outside the house at the same time Jennifer turned to leave. Leo heard the unmistakable roar of a Camaro’s engine, and the yellow beams slipped along the walls to splash the ceiling there. Jennifer moved with them as if they were some kind of siren call. Seducing her out into that dark night as if she had no control over it. She was simply pulled that way.

The look on his sister’s face as she turned and hurried out, told Leo that he was witnessing something profound and incomprehensible. 

Something he may one day experience, or never experience at all.

He wasn’t sure which he preferred.

Only knew that experiencing it, would be the only way he’d ever understand it. And if he did, then it would be the greatest and the worst of luck all at once.

The word ‘ _Lovesick_ ’ slowly came to mind.

Joyful suffering. For which there was no wanted cure.

\---

Jennifer knew it was a cliche.

 _A motel._ Five miles outside of Santa Carla where they were sure nobody else would see them. Billy had promised her room vacancies now that all the tourists had gone home for the fall. And sitting in the front seat waiting for him to come back from the front desk, she could see that he was probably right.

There must have been only five cars in that parking lot with her. All sitting under the neon sign light. Wet asphalt under the tires. Hot pink and luminous.

A whitewashed, two-story block with baby blue doors. Not many lights on.

She saw Billy coming back and she snapped her lipstick shut. Smacked at the sun visor mirror while he rapped on the window for her to get out. Jangled the keys in her face with a shit-eating grin as she slipped beneath his arm.

Curled her fingers into the white tee he wore.

“You got a room then?” His side was hot against her cheek.

“I told you I would, didn’t I? Even managed to sweet talk that receptionist lady into giving us the best one.” They climbed to the concrete landing together and Billy fit the key into the lock. “I think she must have had a thing for me.”

 _And who the hell could blame her?_ She could almost hear him saying.

“What have I told you about staying humble about your good looks?”

“Says the girl who’s competing in a beauty pageant in a few weeks time.” Billy turned to her when the door clicked open. “All that training you’re doing with Monica, just so you can walk properly in a pair of heels and wave a baton.”

“It’s a talent show as much as anything.” Cherry wood paneling greeted the couple when they went inside. A lime green bedspread with an ugly headboard to match. A clunky, seventies TV set in the corner. “We have to give a speech, and answer questions, and learn a dance or two...It’s very complicated,” she teased, raising her eyes to him. “You probably wouldn’t understand it.”

“Well, I’d like to see this ‘talent’ you’re showcasing.”

“Tough luck,” she quipped. “Because you can’t. Not until the pageant.”

“You mean, you’re not even gonna tell me what it is?”

“It’s a secret, Billy.” Her enthusiasm had him smiling. Nice to see her excited about something for once. “You’re not supposed to know. It’s the rules.”

“And you always follow the rules, right?” He backed her up against the dresser when he said that. Kissed her roughly so she grabbed the back of his head to keep him there. Stubble swatched her collar when he peeled her sweater off.

“If you don’t win that pageant...” Lips trailed hot over her bra strap. Heat rising along her spine when his hands fluttered there. “I’ll sue the whole damn city.”

Another kiss to show her he meant it. Invoked a breathless gasp from Jennifer that had his stomach tightening. “You’re so fucking beautiful, you know that?”

“Don’t talk, Billy. Just kiss me.” Hands slipped up inside his shirt. Hot flesh and hard muscle. Rippling beneath her fingers. Jennifer felt something warm and metallic sweeping against her knuckles. Remembered the little saint medallion he wore as she hopped off the dresser to sway with him to the window.

Breathlessly tugged off his shirt. Then let him ease her bra straps down over her shoulders. Leaning into him while he kissed every inch of her.

Long hair swept protectively around them both.

“Fuck.” They fell back onto the bed and Billy got on top. Crushed his weight down into her so all she could do was whine and be still. Jennifer’s hands fluttered above her head while he worked his mouth along her breasts.

Tasted her. Sighed her name so deliciously, she moaned at the very sound. Shucked off her jeans. Then kissed him deliriously on the mouth.

“I wish I was married to you instead.” She sounded pained but her look was deadpan when Billy came up to see it. “I gave him everything when I married him. I stood up there and I just swore it all away. I didn’t even think about it. I didn’t even stop to think about what those words meant.”

“They’re just words, Jennifer.” Another kiss followed to make it all better. “They don’t have to mean anything if you don’t want them to.”

Her wedding ring shone dully under the flat motel light. A cold sparkle when she flexed her hand. “Will you do me the honors anyway?”

_Remove the ring. Make her unbound. Unshackle her for the night._

Billy’s teeth caught metal and the ring came off. Went onto the nightstand where it would stay for the rest of the evening. He kissed her again and they rolled around on the bed. Wormed their way under the cotton sheets.

“Are you still on birth control?”

She whined and nodded when he put his hand between her legs.

“Yes.” She whimpered when his thumb began to massage her. Slow at first, and then faster and faster. A jolt in her stomach sent her hips up into his hand, which he promptly shoved down with a smile. _“Please, Billy...”_

“Please, Billy what?” He teased her, kicking hurriedly out of his jeans. Eased a small orgasm out before pushing her knees up. “Want me to fuck you?”

Spread open for him, she nodded at the brazen request. Knew that this was the kind of sin you went to hell for. Had seen the women in the oil paintings and knew that much. The Jezebels. The Delilahs. The harlots and the sluts. 

Faceless women in the pictures with only their bodies on show. Spread out all prettily for the men who condemned them. Who painted them scarlet and spat all kinds of slurs. Then wished themselves to be their young, Adonis lovers.

Hated them only because they wanted them and couldn’t have them. These little whores who begged for all the wrong things by not begging for _them_.

“Yes. Fuck.” Jennifer arched her back and clung to him. Moaned obscenely in his ear until he was grunting and slipping inside. “I want it. I want you.”

_I want all of you._

“Just like that?” His arms went around her head. He pushed in deep. Jennifer’s thighs clenched around him and her whole world rocked.

It was what they were here for. It was why they had come.

“Yes,” she panted, tossing her head. “Fuck, Billy. Just like that.”

Her stomach felt tight and full like she’d eaten a big meal. Jennifer kissed him slowly. Drew it out. Slipped her tongue into his mouth until she was tasting him.

Tasting the cigarette he’d smoked during the drive over to the motel.

Her own waxy red lipstick smeared on his chin.

Billy marveled at how easily she’d taken him inside her. How easily she’d taken every inch. Swallowed him up whole. Then guiltlessly consumed him while his fingers played between her thighs. Slick with arousal, and slick with him. 

Slippery and hot.

“Fuck me, please.” She sounded so desperate when she whispered it in his ear. From anyone else’s lips, it probably would have sounded pathetic too.

Not from her though. Not from Jennifer. She made it dirty. Made it filth. Made it her own as her whimpers filled the room. As Billy found a pace and then shamelessly began to smack into her. Fucked her so hard she couldn’t speak.

The headboard smacked into the wall and they were lost in each other.

Rocked together. Moaning. Drowned out the rest of the world when the sheets were pulled up high. Drew Billy’s eyes into hers until she thought she saw oceans there. Thought of a wave crashing violently against the rocks. 

Shattering. Sprays of water like broken glass.

Salty seafoam behind her eyes. Exploding like white sunbursts.

“I want you to cum.” Jennifer took his face and kissed it.

“Don’t worry about it.” He almost laughed at her. Burrowed his face in the hot curve of her neck. "I will, alright?” Hips snapped faster as if it was some kind of promise. Fingers snaked down between them. “Cum for me first though.”

_Yell my name. Forget about anyone else._

Chest heaving, Jennifer felt her stomach drop.

Squeezed her eyes shut and clenched around him. Bucked fervently.

 _“Shit, Billy_.” He wasn’t letting up and it wasn’t going to take very long until _she_ did. Not while his fingers worked so skilfully beneath the sheets. Not while he panted so raggedly in her ear. While each thrust had her yelping and clawing.

An orgasm beckoned and Billy heard her cry out. Then screwed her while she was still shameless and squirming. While her stomach fluttered for more, more, more. Built that climax up until her spine was curving at the same time he finished stickily inside her. Heard her sobbing out so he pushed his face into her neck again. Panted. Scorched her ear with his breath.

“Fuck, Jennifer.” Billy’s hand felt her twitching there. Coyly pressed a thumb against her so she jerked with a gasp. Bit her lip as she tumbled from her high.

A blushing Jezebel wound tightly in her lover’s arms. Bliss.

Billy stayed inside her and then bent his head to kiss her slowly. Moved his thumb over her until she was whining again. Pushing her hips up into his hand until he eased them gently down like before. Told her to be still.

“Just let me look at you.” With the sheets pooling to her stomach and her thighs spread wide, she was quite a sight to behold. Billy drank her in and then slowly pulled out from inside her. Watched his release spilling out of her too.

“You’re fucking beautiful.” He marveled. “Pretty as a picture, you know that?”Jennifer could only shake and cling to him. “You’re alright.” It sounded like she was crying. “Been a while since it was that good, huh?” 

_He had no fucking idea how true that was._

_No fucking idea at all._

“I’d forgotten it could be like that.” Exhaustion tugged him down beside her and Jennifer kissed his palms. “I’d forgotten what it was like. With you.”

How good it could be when they took care of each other. 

“I didn’t.” Billy thumbed at the pretty pink roses in her cheeks. “I never forgot. I never stopped thinking about you. Still haven’t if I’m being honest.”

The sentiment behind his words moved her, so Jennifer twisted to tuck herself beneath his arm. Kissed him sloppily in gratitude, spit trailing when they broke apart. _“Thank you.”_ She stroked his curls. “We should do that again sometime.”

“It’s a date,” he laughed. “How does tomorrow sound for you?” 

Dark hair spilled across his chest when she settled herself against him. 

“And the day after that? And the day after that?”

“And the day after that too?”

Jennifer glowed as they nuzzled each other gently. Drank each other in.

Then settled down together to catch their breath. Basked in their afterglow. 

Jennifer knew that whatever this was supposed to be, it was far too good to be a sin. Couldn’t bring herself to think, or even imagine, that this was the kind of thing you could really burn for. Not in fire, and brimstone and heat...

And she couldn’t understand why, if what they were doing was supposed to be so very bad...it felt so much like heaven in his arms.

\---

“You’re home.” Her husband was waiting for her in the living room when she got back. Sitting in the armchair in his white shirtsleeves. Half in shadow and half in lamplight. Looked like there was another Tommy propped up there against the wall. _A Shadow Tommy._ Ten times bigger. Arching into the ceiling.

“You’re a little late,” he went on flatly. “Leo said you’d be back at eight.”

“It’s only ten after, darling.” Jennifer faltered in the doorway like she didn’t want to see him. Looked around for her brother. “Where’s Leo? Not in bed already?”

“Your brother said you’d gone to see Monica.” Tommy completely ignored her first question. “Since when were you two friends again?”

“Since she helped me choose my pageant dress at the store last week.” She shot him a double look across the room. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Tommy didn’t say anything. Just cocked his head so Jennifer laughed aloud.

“You sound like you don’t approve,” she poked. “What’s the matter with you?”

“You know, I really needed you at home tonight.”

“You’re acting like I’ve just stumbled in at some ungodly hour.” She laughed again because she didn’t know what else to do. Slipped out into the hallway to call upstairs. “Leo, will you come out of your room and help me with dinner?”

“Leo’s not allowed out of his room tonight."

Jennifer whirled to see her husband there.

“Why the hell not?” She demanded.

“Because he’s grounded. I grounded him.”

“Is that right, is it?”

“I caught him in my study tonight, Jennifer.” Tommy twisted on his heel after her when she started up the stairs. Hauled her roughly back. “Red-handed too, and snooping through all of my things just like a little-"

“Take your hand off me.”

“We told him, didn’t we? That the study was off limits.”

“I just asked you-” Jennifer grew hot and dragged her arm away. Skin stinging where his nails had caught her. “To remove your fucking hand, Tommy.”

There was a beat that chilled the two of them.

“Jennifer.” 

Tommy stepped towards her at the same time she went back. Found the first stair behind her and then the second. Stumbled up onto the landing while he followed behind. Called for Leo. Then burst all breathless into his room.

“I told you I didn’t see anything!” Her brother sprang up and Jennifer snatched his tear-stained face. Turned it to the light while Tommy puffed in the doorway.

“What the hell happened tonight, Lee?”

“I only went in for a book.”

"He was looking through my things," Tommy said.

“We’re reading _The Scarlet Letter_ at school," Leo confessed. "You said that Tommy had lots of books in there. I thought maybe that would be one of them."

Jennifer turned half-apologetically to her husband when he said that. 

“Darling, I _did_ say that to him.”

“It doesn’t matter, does it?” Tommy was biting. Made them both flinch. “There’s things in that study that’d cause hell on earth if they got into the wrong hands-“

“But I didn’t see anything,” Leo insisted again.

_“And how the hell am I supposed to know that?”_

“Tommy, stop it!” Jennifer came between them. A shield between the man and boy. “He says he didn’t see anything and I believe him. Leo doesn’t lie.” A quick glance at her brother who nodded assertively. “But he’s sorry for going through your things, aren’t you Leo? And he knows that he won’t ever do it again.”

“I don’t need some half-assed apology, Jennifer. Especially when it isn’t even coming from him.” Tommy snatched his wife back so that she stumbled. Then turned to Leo there. “If I catch you in my study again, kid. I swear to God I’ll-”

“You’ll what?” Jennifer dared him. “Ground him again?” She turned her chin up to look him in the eye. Her turn to talk. “Can I speak to you outside, Tommy?”

“You’re being ridiculous.” They went out into the hall together and her husband huffed all insolent. “You shouldn’t pander to him, Jennifer. He’s fourteen years old. That means he’s old enough to know he shouldn’t have been in there.”

“You shouldn’t have grounded him,” she said. “You didn’t have any right to do that. You’re not his father. You’re not in charge of him. _I am._ I’m in charge.”

“Well, maybe you should have been here then.”

“So _that’s_ what this is about?”

“What?” He asked.

“Me. Going out. You’re angry with me.”

Tommy scoffed and turned away. Started walking downstairs away from her so Jennifer followed. “It might shock you, darling. But the fucking world doesn’t revolve around you. This isn’t about you. I couldn’t give a shit where you were tonight.” He went into the living room to take off his tie. “I’m just saying that you should have been here, taking care of him if he’s your responsibility.”

“You’re so full of shit, Tommy.” Jennifer vibrated. “You’re a megalomaniac.”

Unable to help himself, Tommy laughed cruelly at her for that. 

“That’s a hell of a big word, Jennifer. Did you look that up at the library?”

“I might have done.” She sobered. “You don’t have to patronize me.”

“On the contrary. I’m quite impressed.” He came over and chucked up her chin. Looked her square in the eye. “But I think you better quit this while you’re ahead,” he suggested calmly. “I don’t mind you sticking up for your brother, but there’s no need to get cocky about it. A smart mouth never suited you.” 

“ _Bite me._ ” She batted at his hand and in an ill-judged fight for dominance, tried to skirt around him. Tommy seized her by the elbows and leaned in close.

His voice in her ear made her shrink up.

“You don’t fucking talk to me that way, alright?” He shook her roughly. Burned her cheek with his breath. Spat his ugly words into her ear. “I’m getting sick and tired of your attitude, Jennifer. And if this is what hanging around with Monica does to you, then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it anymore.”

“ _You_ _can’t_.” She gritted teeth. Tasted blood where she’d bitten her tongue and lip in surprise. “You can’t tell me what to do, Tommy.”

“No?” As if it was a challenge, he grabbed her harder. Swept the curls back that covered her face. “Tonight, I am _this_ close-“ He gestured by pinching his fingers. “ _This_ fucking close to sending your little shithead of a brother back to your mom’s house. Do you have any idea-“

“He didn’t see anything in there!”

“I’m not finished.” He snapped. “Do you have any idea what the implications would have been if he’d gotten his hands on something he shouldn’t have? This is my work, Jennifer. Okay? It’s _real_ work. You mess up your little coffee order and the world keeps on spinning. But it doesn’t for me. This isn’t a game, okay? You slip up once and it’s over for all of us.”

Jennifer narrowed her eyes at him coldly. Tried not to show him how much he’d startled her. “I just told you that he didn’t see anything.”

“And I specifically told him not to go in. Same way I tell you.”

“He’s a child, Tommy. You tell a child not to do something and it’s more than likely they’ll do it anyway. That’s just what they do, okay?”

“Well,” he scoffed. “You’d know I suppose.”

“And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

She raised her voice at him indignantly and Tommy came closer. Jennifer shrank back against the wall. Hated herself for turning to it so instinctively. For being so wary of Tommy’s hands that shook and pointed.

“ _Again_ ,” he heaved. “With that fucking attitude. What is it with you tonight?” A look crossed his face. Thoughts flickered behind it. “You know what I think it is, Jennifer? I think it’s ‘cause you’ve stopped taking your medication. Maybe you should start taking them again. Maybe they’d be able to calm you down.”

“I don’t-“ Jennifer was successful in shoving past him that time. Rubbed at her mouth as she went upstairs into the bedroom. Passed Leo’s room and saw that his light was off. Darkness at the end of the hall. “I don’t need anything to calm me down, Tommy. I’m not crazy or stupid for standing up for myself.”

She sank onto the bed to remove her shoes. Felt under the pillows for her nightie, then changed quickly for sleep. Kept her back turned while Tommy breathed hard in the doorway. Hands in his pant pockets.

Hoping to consume her probably, but Jennifer made it very clear as she huffed and tugged at the sheets that she wasn’t in the mood.

“I’m going to bed now, so don’t talk to me.” It was supposed to come out all mature and scathing. She’d seen the women in the movies say it lots of times. 

With Jennifer, it sounded pretty childish considering it was only half past eight. 

She felt that hollowness creeping up inside her again. She lay down and tried not to think about Billy. Clenched her legs together like that might help.

Tommy came softer into the room.

“It hurts me, you know? When you talk to me that way.” The bed shifted when he sat down beside her. Touched her shoulder but she didn’t turn around. “I just want everything to be like it used to be. When you liked me.”

“I _do_ like you.” It hurt to say. But only because it was true.

“You can’t even look at me tonight, can you? I suppose it’s my fault for getting so angry about it. I shouldn’t have reacted as strongly as I did. But I suppose you both need to realise how dire things could be if he’d stumbled across something he shouldn’t have. _What the consequences would have been...”_

Jennifer stared plaintively at the wallpaper. 

Too many frills and flounces in this room.

Too much decoration. Herself included.

“I’m just trying to look after you,” Tommy went on. “You can see that, can’t you? That’s all I’ve ever tried to do. Protect you. Keep you safe. It’s my job as your husband, and I wish you’d let me do that.” A kiss on her bare shoulder burned hot when he leaned in close. Massaged her hip over the pretty white sheets. “You can see that, can’t you? That I’m just looking out for you?”

“Yes.” Stiff and unyielding, Jennifer twisted to see him there. Eyes flat and empty on his face. As hollow as a china doll. “You’ve made that very clear to me tonight, Tommy. That you care so very much.”

“Your poor lip.” A thumb pressed down there where she’d bitten it and made her hiss. “Does it hurt?”

“No.” She turned away again but he rolled her over. Kept her there on her back. “Tommy, don’t...”

“Just let me kiss it better.” He did. Another kiss on the tip of her nose. “I’ll make it up to you if you let me. I can be nice. Is that what you want?” He kissed her again but on the chin this time. Painfully slow so she froze up. Let him. 

Twisted only when his hands found their way inside the sheets. 

Groped for her thighs to slip between them. Jennifer wriggled and squirmed. 

“Don’t, Tommy.” She panted at him while she scooted back. “I don’t want to.”

“I’m just trying to make it all better.”

“But you don’t have to.” She softened her voice out of habit. Hated herself. “It’s done. It’s forgiven.” _But definitely not forgotten._

Tommy pressed his knee onto the bed to come closer. Insisted on another kiss anyway, as if he was so certain it would make everything alright. Tucked a thumb beneath her jaw to keep her there, then tried again when he felt her body slacken. Thought she might give in and let him touch her like a normal wife would, but she went rigid and tried to twist away.

 _“Don’t, Tommy._ ” She rolled over onto the pillows. Into the space that was usually his side of the bed. She looked so pretty when she was being defiant, he almost didn’t want to get mad at her. Wouldn’t have been so mad if she hadn’t struck him in the arm when he reached for her again. “I said, stop it!”

That did it. 

Little shit.

“Don’t you fucking hit me.” He pinned her down with a grunt. Surprised her so much, she didn’t even bother fighting him. Just shook there beneath his hands.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He spat. “You’re hitting me now? Hitting your husband when he’s trying to apologize to you?” There was a horrible, twisted look on his face that made her start crying. Sniffing like a baby. Trying so hard not to. “Are you trying to hurt my feelings? _Hitting me._ What the fuck?”

“I didn’t mean it. You were-.” She looked terrified. Then angry. It was vaguely attractive on her. Arousing. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to hit you. I just did it without thinking. I thought you were going to-“

“Going to what?” He shook her. Shook her because she didn’t even realise how hypocritical she was being. How stupid she sounded when she blurted out her excuses. How ridiculous it made her look when she said that she hadn’t meant to do it. As if that made everything alright again. As if he wouldn’t have got so much more shit for it for being a man. “Thought I was going to what?”

“Hurt me,” she tried weakly. Cringed at the word. “I thought you were gonna-“

“You thought I was going to rape you.” Tommy said it without flinching. So abnormally cool about it that it made her sick to hear it. Didn’t recognise the man in front of her. “Do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now? 

Jennifer sat up a little. Still indignant despite her fear. 

“I’m not stupid. I just didn’t think you were going to stop.”

“I didn’t say you were stupid. I said you _sounded_ stupid.” The man inhaled deeply and leaned in again. Put his mouth by her ear so that she shuddered at his breath on her cheek. “They don’t call it that when you’re married, Jennifer.”

She shoved him off of her. Disgusted. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said defensively. Looked almost hurt himself as he stared down at her there. “But _you’re_ the one who hit me. And _you’re_ the one who would believe me capable of doing a thing like that.” He sighed and clicked his tongue. “So maybe _you’re_ the disgusting one.”

Tommy lay down beside her on the bed so Jennifer sprang up and got out. Snatched for her bathrobe and hurried to the door. Thought Tommy might try to stop her but he just lolled there. Lazy and stretched out like a cat.

“Where are you going now?” 

Jennifer tightened her belt. “To the couch. Or to Leo’s room. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t sleep in here with you when I’m so... _mad_ at you.” Her voice shook and she yearned to say something brilliant. Tommy just sighed and rolled to stand. Came towards her so she automatically stepped aside.

But he was only moving by her to the door.

“Don’t bother,” he said coolly. “I’ll sleep on the couch tonight if it upsets you that much.” There he was again. Making _her_ look bad. “You should have the bed.”

She almost found herself saying Thank You. 

But quickly choked that bullshit back down again.

“I’ll leave you,” she threatened, when he was out onto the landing and a safe distance away from her. “You touch me like that again, or you talk to me like that again and I swear to God, I’ll-” She shook and tried to sound like she meant it _._ “I’ll fucking leave you, Tommy. I don’t care. I’ll leave you.”

A light came on at the end of the hallway and Leo came out to stare.

Stood there in his pajamas and waited, while Tommy wondered what the hell he thought his presence there was supposed to be doing.

“Where are you going to go?” the man said, at last. “To your mom’s house?”

“If I have to.” Jennifer winced at the laugh that followed. Blood boiling when her husband winked and twisted on his heel. Paused there at the top of the stairs.

His shadow stretched long and ominous across the landing. 

“She doesn’t want you,” he said truthfully. “She doesn’t want either of you.”

_So dry your eyes and tell me again little girl._

_Where the hell are you gonna go?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, thanks for reading. I know that was dark, but turning points have happened. Stick around and let me know what you think if you have the time. Or, talk to me on my tumblr Nottherightseason xoxo


	14. Candyman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: New update! Thank you so much for being so patient while I took an extra couple of days to get this chapter right. TW: Tommy is a grade A asshole in this chapter. Severe gaslighting attempts. Sexual coercion. Domestic violence. And the briefest mention of underage but consensual sex towards the end.

“Here, let me help you with that.” Tommy eased Jennifer’s arm through the flapping sleeve of her coat as they left the little restaurant. Walked the short distance across the parking lot to their car. “Are you feeling alright tonight?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jennifer’s heels clacked on concrete.

“You didn’t touch much of your food.” Tommy got in alongside her and started the engine. Checked both mirrors before pulling out. “You were picking at it all night long. I even saw you spit your wine back into your glass.”

“It tasted funny. It all tasted funny.”

“I hope you’re not getting sick,” he said.

Jennifer felt Tommy’s eyes on her when she looked away. Observed the white road markings slipping by them past her window. Glowing bright and eery under the hot car beams. She felt him reach out and put his hand on her knee.

“You’re not trying to lose weight for the pageant, are you?” He ventured so she rolled her eyes at the question. Felt his grip tighten on her slippery skirt. “I know it’s what a lot of girls like to do, but you’re already so thin. You’d look sickly.”

“Maybe I just wasn’t hungry tonight. Did you ever think about that?” Tommy could always be counted upon to turn an ordinary conversation into a lecture. It annoyed the hell out of her. “Sometimes it really is that simple, you know.”

“You don’t have to snap at me.” He shot her a wounded look that made her feel all twisted up inside. “I’m only saying it because I care. And because it’s my-”

“ _Job as my husband to take care of me_. Yes, I know.” Jennifer knew because he always said it. It was what he said when he wanted to guilt-trip her into taking back whatever offensive thing she’d uttered. “I’m not trying to fight with you.”

“Sure seems like it.” The huff he gave her was ironically petulant.

Jennifer jerked her knee away to scowl out of the window. Hand in her chin as Tommy chuntered beneath his breath. “Well, it sounds to me like you’re the one who wants the fight tonight.” _Perhaps they both did._ Perhaps it would be a welcome relief for her after dancing around him all week. Those cherry-red lips stretched too tight over her teeth as she smiled her silly, doting smile. Played make-believe and dined with him in candle-lit restaurants. Wore the diamond jewelry and the slippery silk nighties he kept flinging her way.

Tried to make up for their fight from last week until they were both exhausted, and secretly wishing he wouldn’t try.

“You know, I can’t help having the feeling lately that all of my efforts to please you go unnoticed.” Tommy’s jaw had been slack before but now it was tight. And he jostled at his wife’s arm to make her see him. “Do you hear me, Jennifer? Are you listening to what I’m saying? You make me feel like shit, you know that?”

“Tommy-”

“Every time I come near you,” he went on. Ignored her. “You shrink away from me like I’m a fucking-” Tommy dropped her arm to clench around the steering wheel. “You make me feel like I’m a pervert. Some kind of predator groping you on the subway or something, when I’m just leaning over to kiss you goodnight.”

“I don’t think that at all,” Jennifer tried. “Tommy, I’ve just been so tired this week.”

“You won’t sleep with me...You give me your cheek when I try to kiss you after work...I’m starting to think every little headache and pain you get is just some lame excuse to get out of fucking me.” Jennifer screwed her eyes shut when he said that. Felt a twinge of anxiety in her stomach. “We’re supposed to be-”

“I told you I got my period this week.”

That was a lie.

“Bullshit,” he snapped. “I know when you get your period, alright? And it isn’t this week, so don’t bother trying to fucking lie about it.” He snapped his head to stare at her. Gaze penetrating so she looked away. “Why won’t you fuck me?”

“I want to.” Another lie.

The car rocked and Jennifer sighed uselessly. Thought about putting her hands over her ears to just block him out. “It’s not like I ‘owe’ you anything.”

“That’s what you think?” Tommy surprised her by laughing out loud. Certainly not the reaction she’d been expecting. He reached around her and felt for the back of her head. Then tugged a little on those soft, brown curls. “What else have you got to give me, huh? It’s not like you pay for any of the fucking bills, Jennifer.”

“That is _so_ unbelievably sexist,” she snapped. “I can’t believe you could even-”

“You rang me up in tears last month, and I paid your mom’s bill for her,” Tommy went on without hearing. “You sign up for some ditsy little beauty pageant, and I hand over two hundred bucks for a new dress. No questions asked. When your whining, sneaking, conniving little brother needs a place to stay, what do I do?”

He shook her again when she didn’t answer. “I said, what do I do?”

“You give him a room,” she churned out. _Wanted to hate him._

“That’s right,” he said. “And aren’t those new earrings in your ears tonight? And isn’t that a new silk blouse on your back? And haven’t I just took you out and paid for a ridiculously expensive meal that you spent the whole time picking at?

“It doesn’t work that way, Tommy.” Jennifer’s bottom lip trembled.

“Fucking does,” he shot back. “It’s called being a grown-up. Learning that there’s a price to pay for everything, and you can’t just keep taking and never giving.”

“What are you doing now?” Jennifer’s heart sped when he flicked suddenly at the indicator. Eased the car to a stop at the side of the road, so she twisted and touched his arm. “Why are we stopping?”

“Because,” he said. “I wanna talk to you.”

“Do you wanna talk to me? Or, do you wanna fuck me?”

Her husband’s face was stony when he turned to see her there.

“I want you to prove to me that you love me,” he said carefully, watching a fat tear roll down her face in the dark. “I want you to prove to me that you haven’t just married me for a cushy little suburban house and a rose garden.”

_And what if she had?_

_And what if she regretted that now?_

_More deeply than she’d ever regretted anything in her life..._

Tommy didn’t move so Jennifer stretched to kiss him. Her mouth hovering lightly over his as if she wasn’t sure this was what he wanted. Hoped madly that it wasn’t and he would tell her to stop any minute now. Tommy only kissed her back, harder. Took her hands and guided them to the zipper on his pants.

“Tommy.” She wasn’t sure that this was what _she_ wanted, but dropped to her knees in the front of the car anyway. To appease him maybe. To get it over with. To lessen the brunt of it perhaps when she got home. Where Leo would be.

Jennifer’s hands shook as they fumbled for his belt and zipper. Worked the fabric there until she was bowing her head to meet him. Until he was hissing loudly and twisting rough fingers into her hair. Forcing her head down until she was coughing and spluttering. Eyes streaming when he snagged on those curls to bring her up again. Kissed her messily so she shuddered for breath.

Wanted to die. Wanted to curl up and fucking die.

Wished he’d put his hand through her chest and splinter her ribs. Pluck out that little cherry-red heart and end it all right there and then.

“Fuck, you’re good.” Tommy did up his pants when it was all over. Caught his breath while Jennifer spat into a tissue she’d found in her purse. Tossed it out of the open window with a grimace. “You’re so fucking good, you know that?”

“And now you can sleep soundly.” She couldn’t help but have one small dig at him. “Knowing that your balls work.”

“Don’t you fucking-” He smacked her head against the window for that. Shocked her. Heard her cry out and slump painfully against the glass. “You don’t fucking talk to me that way.” Tommy cleared his throat casually to restart the engine, while Jennifer muffled a sound behind her hands. Thought of a freight train smashing into the back of her skull. A wood ax splitting open her eye.

She struggled up against her seat. And then she cried the whole way home.

\---

“Nobody’s ever hit me like that before.” Later, in the bathroom, Jennifer let her brother press an icepack to her head. To the swollen skin around her temple and eye. Violently violet and tender to touch. “Mom never hit me. Dad never hit me. Not even when we were bad, remember? Not even when I set fire to the rug.”

“I’m still not entirely sure how you were able to do that...Sorry-” Leo drew his hand away when the older sibling winced sharply. Looked upset so he dropped his arms altogether. “What did you do, Jennifer?” _Why did he hit you?_

“Nothing I don’t fucking regret,” she said, bringing her fingers up gingerly to her forehead. “Maybe you should go and stay with mom again. Just for a little while until things calm down. Maybe you shouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s not safe-”

“I’m not leaving you,” Leo cut in adamantly. Made Jennifer giggle a little at his valiance. “I mean it,” he insisted. “You. Alone. With him. I’d rather die first.”

“Are you my knight in shining armor, Lee?” Small and freckled, and with his glasses bound with tape, her brother nodded seriously. Made her smile.

“You’re too sweet,” Jennifer sighed. “My sweet little brother. Quiet and perfect.”

“That’d be the opposite of you then.” Leo ducked and laughed at his sister’s failed attempt to swing for his arm. “Quiet people notice a lot of things.”

“And what have you noticed?”

“That you’re miserable,” he said.

Jennifer laughed bitterly. at that “When did you figure that out?”

“That afternoon at mom’s house. When we were looking through her old photographs and I lent you the videotape.” She’d been comparing herself to Laura again. Wondering if she’d have dropped out of high school to marry the first guy who made her smile. Wondering if Laura would have lived more perfectly than she did. Wondering if Laura would have lived her life better.

“That was a long time ago, wasn’t it?” Jennifer took the ice to put it back over her eye. “And what else have you noticed? Oh, wise, wise one.”

“Stuff about Tommy.” The boy shifted a little and made sure the bathroom door was shut. “Stuff about his work. And things that I’m still putting together. Things that maybe I didn’t believe until tonight. Until I saw you. What he did to you.”

Her eye throbbed as a painful reminder. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the numbers I saw in Tommy’s study.”

“You told me you didn’t see anything in Tommy’s study.”

“Well, I lied,” he said, ignoring her panicked look. “Because I did.”

Jennifer stared at him for a long time. Her stomach churning like she might be sick. “You weren’t really looking for The Scarlet Letter, were you?” She ought to have known. She ought to have warned him herself to stay out of it all. “You can’t tell me what you know, Leo. You can’t tell anyone. It’s too dangerous.”

“It’s dangerous anyway,” he said. “Look at yourself.”

His sister inhaled sharply because the truth fucking hurt. Then pressed herself further back against the bathroom counter. “What are these numbers you saw?”

“Roman numbers.” Leo glanced uneasily at the bathroom door. “Numbers like you see on a clock or a gravestone.” It was a somber example, and Jennifer shivered. “He had a whole list of them in his office. Some of them crossed out.”

“How many numbers?”

“Just ten.” Her brother paused. “And there was writing with it too.”

“Writing?”

“Information,” he said. “Details. Stuff about IQ, BMI, blood type. It was like some weird medical file except it wasn’t. It was more like a dossier. Or a case file.”

“But no names?” Jennifer could only frown. “Just numbers?”

“Just numbers, like I said. One to ten with some of them crossed out.”

“And what do you think it means?”

“Jennifer.” Her brother shot her an alarmed look when Tommy suddenly pushed into the room. Stepped forward protectively so Jennifer stepped away from the counter to see him. Let a vinegar-stinking, tension-filled moment pass.

“It’s alright, Leo,” she assured him softly. “You can go to bed now.”

Leo blanched there. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

“I’ll be alright, I promise.” She smiled at him and he reluctantly slipped out.

Neither of them spoke until he’d gone.

“You can’t even look at me.” Her husband was staring away from her. Slightly behind her at the bathroom wall. Seemed to be counting the tiles there in his head. “Look at me, Tommy.” Jennifer spoke louder and her stomach tightened when he did. “Look at what you’ve done to me.”

She wanted him to see.

“You hurt me.” She saw his eyes cloud and darken when she said that. Saw them flicker quickly across her face. “You said that you wouldn’t, and you did it anyway. You lied and then you-” He was rotten. “You’re so bad for me.”

“I’m not bad for you,” Tommy spoke up, offended. “I love you. Nobody on this earth could love you like I love you.” And somehow she didn’t doubt that.

“Hitting isn’t love though, Tommy.”

“It was only the one time.” He stepped closer and she didn’t stop him. “Tonight,” he said, easing a hand behind her back. “You got under my skin and you made me angry, but I wasn’t-” He stopped and looked at her. “Do you know there are people who hit when they’re making love, Jennifer?” That hand slipped up her spine and came to rest at the back of her head. “You’re young, so maybe you don’t know so much about it, but it’s true. Hitting can mean I Love You.”

“That’s a lie,” she said naively. “I’ve never heard of that before.”

“It’s called Passion, and it’s very real.” Fingers pressed harder into the back of her skull. Into the soft fleshy part where the spine connected. Jennifer half expected him to reach in there for her synapses too.

“What we have,” Tommy went on. “They call it Passion, Jennifer. It’s anger, and love, and heat all mixed up together. And it’s not wrong and it isn’t bad either.”

“It sounds wrong to me. None of those things go together.” Jennifer smelled sex when he came closer to kiss her. Pushed her head into him until their lips met.

His mouth was commanding, and Tommy kissed her until they had no breath left. Then held her against the wall. Took her chin to make her see him.

“You _need_ me,” he repeated, softer. “Who the hell is gonna love you like I do, huh? Who’s gonna hold you when you wake up from one of your ridiculous nightmares? Who’s gonna take the pulp out of your orange juice?”

He was like some kind of candyman, she thought. Glimmering sweetly for her with his honeyed kisses and his words like treacle. Sticking to her ribs. Her teeth. Her fingers. Making her all rotten from the inside out. Making her ache.

“I don’t feel very well.” Jennifer pushed at him so he stepped aside. “I’m tired, Tommy. Can we please talk about this in the morning?” She touched her temple instinctively and they both winced. “My head hurts. My stomach hurts...I just want it all to stop.” She wanted to spit at him and paint him red. To pound on his chest until she felt the ribs crack and give way. To pull out his organs and feel them dripping in her open palms. Hot as soup. Sexual.

"Maybe you’re getting sick,” he worried.

As if on cue, Jennifer retched suddenly and ran for the toilet bowl. Threw up into it and sank against the side, sweating. Thought of her stomach, all pale and milky with the bleach he’d pumped into her. Insides burning like turpentine.

“Maybe I _am_ sick,” she shivered, looking up when he came to stand over her. “Maybe you’re the one making me sick...Maybe I’m sick of you, Tommy.”

Perhaps he had pumped her so full of his milk and spittle, she was finding it hard to breathe. Had made her so plump and overfed, Jennifer would have burst if anybody held her too tight. Tommy Lewinsky was so damn sweet and rich, he’d given her a bellyache. And she was sick of him. She was so, so sick of him now.

\---

“Darleen, you’re looking very ravishing this morning.” Leaning across the diner counter on a denim-clad elbow, Billy Hargrove pushed back his aviators to see her there. Flashed the older woman a wink and one of his dazzling, trademark smiles. “Have you done something different to your hair?”

“Not since 1970.” The woman sniffed and rolled her eyes. Held back a smile of her own as she stared him down. “What do you want, dream boy?”

“Who says I want anything?” A coy smile. A hand touch too. Billy sobered and peered around. “I’m here after your best waitress. Is she here yet?”

“And my best waitress would be?”

“Jennifer,” he said as if it was obvious. “I wanna take her out for lunch.”

“They only get half an hour, you know.” Darleen was smirking as she turned to fix the condiment tray behind her. “But Jennifer’s not coming in today. Sorry.”

“Why not?” He frowned at her. “I thought she always worked Thursdays.”

“She does. But she called in this morning and said she was sick.”

“Sick?” Billy touched the countertop as if to ground himself there. Didn’t take his eyes off Darleen the whole time. “But Jennifer’s never been sick in her life.”

“Well, she sounded pretty sick to me on the phone.” Darleen was busy and Billy was keeping her. An impatient sigh as she went around him. “And there’s a first time for everything, I guess. So I’d just call her if I were you. Although it didn’t sound like she’d be up to eating much lunch. Or whatever else it was you really had in mind...” The woman stopped to arch a knowing eyebrow at him.

Billy only winked and eased his aviators back down.

“Say it if you’ve gotta say it, Darl. A dirty mind’s a terrible thing to waste.”

“And you must think I was born yesterday.” Darleen was already shooing him out of the restaurant. Shoving a trash bag into his hand for him to dispose of on his way out. “Start earning some of those free sundaes you’re always banking.”

“For you, Darleen.” Billy stopped and blew a kiss to the air. “I’d do anything.”

“Keep talking, Casanova.” The woman stood on the sunny doorstep to watch him swagger back to his car. Smirked a little when he remembered the trash bag in his hand and was forced to do a u-turn. “And you’ll give Jennifer my love?”

“Of course, I will,” he said.

He would give her all the love he had and more. That was the most beautiful thing about Billy Hargrove. Whether he knew it or not. 

\---

Jennifer couldn’t ignore the knocking anymore. Had crept into the hallway in the middle of the fourth or fifth round to press her hands against the papered walls. Sighed a breath of unease because of course, she knew who it was. Had spotted the shining Camaro at the end of her street when she’d passed by the living room window. Then cursed Billy’s name for being so careless about it.

 _“Who is it?_ ” She asked anyway. Just to stall him.

Heard Billy laughing behind the door. “It’s Casanova.”

“Who?” She sighed and shook her head. “Billy, you can’t be here.”

“Just let me in,” he said. “I wanna talk to you.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” She felt the doorknob shift slightly when he tried to turn it. The weight of him against the wood. “I stopped by at the diner ‘cause I was looking for you,” he said. “Let me in...Darleen said you were sick.”

“I _am_ sick. You should probably go home in case you catch something.”

“Fat chance.” The door rattled again. More urgent this time. “Come on, just let me in, alright? I wanna see you.” Billy’s voice pleaded through the opposite side of the door. “What if somebody sees me out here? Come on, just let me in.”

That did it. 

Jennifer unbolted the chain and stepped back. Let the door swing open as Billy shouldered his way inside. Saw her standing there on the hall rug in a man’s woolen bathrobe. Too big for her so it swallowed her up.

“What the hell happened to you?” He was already reaching for her face.

“Don’t, Billy. It hurts-” Jennifer shoved him aside. Twisted on her heel and went into the living room. “You shouldn’t have parked your car out there.”

“I’ll move it,” he promised. “But what the hell happened to you?”

“Why are you asking me like you don’t already know?” She was mortified about it. Shrank up when he circled to see her again. Tipped her chin and held her face to the light. Heard him swear. “It’s not so bad, really. It’s just a-”

“Not a fist that did that.”

He’d know, she supposed.

“No,” she said, sighing when he let go. “But I don’t want to talk about it...”

“Does it hurt?” He got his answer when she stiffened under his fingers. “Christ, Jennifer. What the hell has he done to you? Why didn’t you call me-”

“Because you can’t do anything.”

“Of course, I can. You should have called me when it happened-”

“It didn’t happen at home,” she said. Shoulders sinking heavy beneath the dark green wool. “He pulled over at the side of the road. We were fighting.”

“Fighting about what?”

“Does it matter?” He supposed not. It’s not as if there would have been a topic that could have justified it anyway. Tried to think about all the things that Neil and Susan fought about; Stupid things like white bills in brown envelopes. The way that Susan paired up socks when she was doing laundry. Car insurance and burned dinners. Parent-teacher conferences. Even the fucking Super Bowl.

So much of their marital bliss depended on who had won the sport’s game or not. But Billy couldn’t imagine Tommy being bothered by anything like that.

“He shouldn’t have put his fucking hands on you.” Billy’s eyes darkened and clouded over when he reached for Jennifer. Tugged her into him using the belt of her robe. “He shouldn’t have fucking touched you,” he said. “I should kill him.”

“ _Billy_.” The way he said that so casually, both frightened and thrilled her. Like he really meant it. Like he really would have done it if he’d been given the chance.

Jennifer touched his arm and rose onto her toes to kiss him. Pressed her mouth against him until they were both sighing into each other. Fingers brushed her eye when his hands came up to hold her head, so Jennifer just moaned. Didn’t care that it hurt that time. Didn’t care that her head felt so heavy in his hands. Against his palms. Against the warm cradle he’d made with his fingers.

“Let’s fuck,” she sighed dreamily, easing her ring off to put it on the mantel. “Let’s go upstairs and you can fuck me right now. We’ll do whatever you want, I promise. I’ll just lie down and I swear to God I’ll let you do whatever you want to me.” 

“Sounds a bit degrading,” he pointed out.

Jennifer stared at him all breathless and Billy’s stomach dipped. Hers did too.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “I just want to do it with you in the bed.”

Where he slept. Where they both slept.

Where he lay her down and fucked her too.

They went upstairs together, and it was Jennifer who took control. Who pushed Billy down into the bed with a matter of urgency. Kept the bathrobe on. Tommy’s bathrobe. Slipped down slightly over her bare shoulders as she kissed him and straddled him. Then hurriedly eased her thighs apart and sank down onto him even though she wasn’t quite ready yet. Didn’t care. Didn’t give a shit. Just needed to be filled by him so she could fuck him as hard as she could. 

Which she did.

Screwed him so shamelessly into her husband’s bed.

Moaned into the pillows while Billy whispered things in her ear. Told her how bad she was for doing a thing like that. How fucking brilliant it was too. How fucking pretty she looked when she was on top of him. Fucking him. Her long, dark hair swinging to her waist. Beautiful features twisted...

And then that beautiful silence when she finally came and couldn’t speak.

When even her lungs couldn’t retract and puff for air.

“Fuck, Billy.” Jennifer collapsed forward to pant into his shoulder, sweating from the mere exertion of it all. Thighs slick and slippery from where he’d been. Fingers trembling into the mattress above his head. Jennifer kissed him slowly and shuddered into him. Took her time because she was so fucking grateful to be alive. Glad to be alive at the same time as him. To know him. To love him.

“He can’t ever find out about us.” She came up to see him and he traced the purple bruising around her eye. “He can’t ever know about us or he’ll- well,” she said, because it was perfectly obvious. “Look at what he did to me.”

“I’m not gonna let him hurt you again.” Billy swept her up so sweetly into his arms. Kissed her hard like it was a promise. Then gave a short little laugh like something had just occurred to him. “You know what I just realized?”

“What?” She asked. Nuzzled herself into his collar.

“I just realized that now I know exactly how you felt last summer. And now you know exactly how I felt too.” It was a sad realization, and they both arched for another kiss as if to make it better. “It’s not so easy letting people help you, is it?”

“It’s not so easy knowing how to help either.”

Billy’s face clouded again when she said that. Only because she was right.

“I don’t like you being here,” he said seriously. Threaded fingers into her hair so it spilled out all prettily against the mattress. “I don’t like you being here in this house with him. And not just ‘cause he thinks he can fucking hit you.”

Billy parted her bathrobe then to kiss her stomach. Palmed at her breasts while she hitched for breath and sighed his name. Arched up into him when he settled himself between her thighs. “Every single time I think about him kissing you,” he said. “Or touching you, or fucking you. Or even thinking about fucking you, I just wanna-” He kissed her hard for good measure. “I could die, you know that?”

“Well if it helps,” Jennifer sighed. “I think about you when he’s fucking me.”

“You do. huh?” Billy came up to laugh at that. Snickered while he thought about what she’d said. “That’s kinda hot, actually.” He trailed a finger to her naval. Pushed his chin into the curve of her neck. “Know what I was doing last night?”

“What?” She breathed.

“Thinking about you.” He kissed her. “And thinking about making love to you in that motel room last week..” He kissed her again. Blew into her ear until she was laughing and squirming. “How fucking pretty your face looks when you cum...”

“You think I’m pretty when I cum?” Jennifer laughed and let him hold her. “I think that’s gotta be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me....” It was sweet to see her smile while she thought about it. Sadder still to see her face drop and fall at a sudden thought. “I guess it’s not so pretty anymore though, is it?”

“Get outta town,” Billy said. “You’re still the prettiest doll I know.”

“Think it’ll be healed up in time for the beauty pageant?”

“That’s weeks away. It’ll be gone by then for sure.” A kiss to soothe away her worry lines. Sweeping bangs back from her face. “You’ve got it in the bag, Fi.”

"Maybe I should be putting my head in a bag,” she joked.

“And if you did, you’d still fucking win. ‘Cause you’ve got a great rack.”

“I don’t know about that,” she said humbly. “They’re not _that_ great. The left one is bigger than the right one, you know?” Jennifer giggled loudly when he parted her robe again to see. Clung fondly to the curls at the back of his head. “You have no idea how much that worried me when I was thirteen, Billy. Scared the shit outta me ‘cause for so long it looked like only one of ‘em was gonna grow.”

“Like a weird little alien.” Billy put his hands on either side of her head. Then came down to kiss her jaw. “If it helps...I never fucking noticed it anyway.”

“Yeah, right,” she laughed.

“I’m serious. Guys never notice shit like that.”

Jennifer rolled her eyes but then sobered beneath him. Took his hands to kiss the soft pads of his fingers. “Do you remember when we were fifteen,” she reminisced, sadly. “And we did it for the first time that afternoon, up at the Point? Didn’t have a clue what we were doing. Just laughed the whole time and...God, we were so immature. Thought we were so fucking grown up but weren’t.”

“We thought we were the shit,” Billy agreed, laughing. “We were dumb.”

“And I’d give anything to be that dumb and stupid again,” she said.

“Wanna go back to the old days, huh?” His heart ached when she nodded at him because he wanted it too. Had probably never wanted anything more in his entire life; To be fifteen again and fooling around with her. Saving up for a leather jacket and an ear-piercing on the pier. “I should never have let you go.”

“No,” she sighed softly. “You shouldn’t have...But you did.”

And you couldn’t change the past no matter how much you wanted to.

Only learn and make sure it never happened again.

“I’m gonna go park my car at the end of the street,” Billy said then. Tried to get up and leave but Jennifer caught his fingers to suckle on them playfully. “Are you still gonna be here when I get back?” _Meaning, are you going to be okay?_

“It’s not like I’m going outside today.” She lay back and stretched like a cat as she watched him to the door. Called his name, then smiled and pushed up when he turned to see her. “When you get back,” she said sweetly. “I’m gonna treat you so good...” Another smile and she was turning onto her stomach to crawl to him. Long legs tangled in the bed linen. “I’m gonna eat you up.”

“Is that a promise?” Billy thought his heart might stop.

“It’s a promise,” she said amorously. “...Just watch me.” And then Jennifer lay back down to wait. Fingers on her jumping pulse because she knew he would hurry back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading xoxo


	15. Blue Ribbon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Billy and Jennifer spend a day together on the boardwalk, and she accidentally stumbles across a friend that’s been there all along. Tommy hints at something that will leave her sleepless. Taglist is always open. And thanks for reading xoxo 
> 
> TW: Sexual references, Light smut. Theme of missing children. Brief mention of suicide. Pregnancy. Tommy being manipulative and gross.

“So I’ve got something important to ask you...It’s a pretty big deal.”

“Hargrove, you’re making me nervous. The last time somebody said that to me I was running off to the courthouse to get married.” Jennifer toed the boardwalk beside him, wrapped up from the fall chill in a light tan mac and cardigan. Wore dark glasses to hide the fading bruise on her face. Felt like a spy all wrapped up and secretive. Someone out of a film noir. “Should I be worried?”

“Worried?” He grinned and put his arm around her. Remembered where they were and quickly brought it back down. “Susan wants to do your makeup for the pageant next week. You have to say yes or you’ll absolutely break Max’s heart.”

“Max’s heart? Don’t you mean Susan’s?”

"No,” he said. “Max will literally be heart-broken if you don’t say yes. You’ll give that woman a little project to work on instead of trying to force-crimp Max’s hair every time we go out someplace to eat.” He caught the look she gave him and nodded reassuringly. “I’ll hide the crimper. I won’t let her ruin those pretty curls.”

“Well, it sounds to me like I don’t really have a choice in the matter.” They stopped at an ice cream cart to peruse the menu. “If I say yes. You buy.”

“Cup or a cone?” Billy was already reaching for his wallet.

“Cone,” Jennifer said, leaning in coyly after some thought. _“...I like to lick.”_

“You do, huh?” A quick motion was made to the vendor. “Better make it a large.”

Triumphant, Jennifer slurped her ice cream as they trailed along the busy front. Weaved between smiling families enjoying the weekend sun. Teenagers huddled together by the locked up arcade. Sharing drinks and smokes under the tarp.

“Are you nervous about the kind of questions they’ll ask you when you’re up there?” Billy nudged Jennifer’s side fondly and she pushed her glasses back to see him. “I heard they like their Miss Santa Carla’s best when they do beach clean-ups, you know. Save the little turtles and the dolphins, or whatever.”

“I don’t think I’ll have time for that. I’ll just throw this napkin away when I’m done.” Jennifer frowned and ran her pink tongue around her ice cream. “I hope they don’t ask me about anything going on in the news. I’m dumb with politics.”

“You know who the president is?”

“Of course. Ronald Reagan,” she rolled her eyes at him and he laughed.

“See? This shit’s easy, right? You’ve got it in the bag.” Billy snatched her cone and stole a lick. Held it out to her like a microphone. “ _Miss Santa Carla_ ,” he said, in his best show-host voice. “ _What would you do to bring about world peace?”_

Jennifer laughed and cottoned on. Stole her microphone back.

“Well,” she lisped, batting her eyes like a phony valley-girl. “I would bring all the world leaders together...make them form a circle, and join hands...’Cause you can’t make a fist,” she finished, trying hard not to laugh at him.“Holding hands.”

“You’re a shoo-horn.” Billy laughed too and kissed her cheek. Didn’t care where they were. “You’ll walk it, you hear me? You’ve got it in the bag, kid.”

“God, I hope so.” Jennifer finished her ice cream. Made a point of disposing of her napkin. “Remember when I passed out at the fourth grade Christmas production? Bet you never saw an angel faint at the birth of Christ before.”

“Well, if you faint at the pageant,” he said. “I’ll make sure I’m there to catch you.”

“Inn Keeper Number Three, I don’t think I deserve you.” She tugged at his jacket and leaned in with another smile. Had to fight everything inside her not to kiss him then. “Wanna go take stupid pictures in the photo-booth?”

“Do we have to?”

“ _Yes_ ,” she insisted, tugging him towards one. “Because you’re so fucking good-looking and so fucking photogenic. And I wanna kiss you.” They bundled into the tiny booth and Jennifer climbed on top of him. Took off her glasses and leaned into him so that her dark hair swept around them both. “So kiss me.”

“And if somebody sees us?”

He was already reaching for her anyway. Tugging that red curtain closed. Soft velvet that glowed ruby when the sunlight shone through it. Reminded Jennifer of the inside of a flower. A rose, or a blooming peony. Or the warm, anatomical red of a mother’s womb. Tucked up safe where no one could harm them.

“Nobody’s going to see us, because we’re all alone in here.” Jennifer shifted and slipped the coins into the slot. Turned back to put her arms around him. Heard the camera powering up behind her. “Kiss me, Billy. Please.”

He laughed and touched her nose. “How can I say no to that?”

Billy kissed her at the exact same moment the cameras started to work. Took her jaw and held it in the scoop of his palm to angle her head back over his shoulder. Slipped his tongue into her mouth and tasted sweet strawberry ice cream. He was still kissing her long after the cameras had stopped flashing.

“I’m going to keep this.” Jennifer snatched the grainy photo strip from the slot and held it out to him. “So I’ll never forget today. And I’ll never forget you.”

“You say that like there aren’t gonna be any more days like today.” She slipped the photos into her purse and they started walking again. Strolling aimlessly past the shops and the restaurants. “We’re gonna have lots of days like this,” Billy promised. “And when it’s Christmas, and they open the rides again, I’m gonna take you and I’m gonna kiss you on the top of that Ferris Wheel.”

“Is that a promise, is it?” Jennifer stopped walking and tugged on his arm. “By Christmas,” she said. “You’ll be able to kiss me wherever you like.”

“What are you saying?” Billy looked hopeful. “Are you gonna leave him?”

“I want to...I’m going to try to.”

“By Christmas?” He leaned into her with a smile. Happy. One hand on her coat sleeve to thumb at the folded cuff. “But that’s only a couple of months away.”

“Yes, and I think everything will be alright by then. It’s a feeling I have.” Jennifer felt it fluttering in her stomach and soul. _That thing with feathers._ “I promise.”

Her promise was good enough for him. Billy thought he would have waited a year if she had asked him to. Two years. Ten. Fifty. A lifetime and several more.

“Sorry to ruin this perfect moment,” he teased her then. “But I gotta take a leak so bad my back teeth are floating.” Billy laughed at Jennifer’s face when she hit him in the arm. Stepped back to go find a bathroom. “I’ll be five minutes, okay?”

“You’re disgusting.” She was laughing still. Holding her side. “I’ll wait for you.”

“Ditto, dollface.” He winked at her while she smiled and blushed at his meaning. Then watched him wander off to find the men’s room on the pier. Jennifer hiked her purse higher onto her shoulder and didn’t think she would ever stop smiling.

“Mommy?” A child’s voice roused her from her love-struck thoughts. A little boy stood tearfully just across the way. His back was turned to the comic store and the video rental place, and he was crying and sucking his thumb. “Mommy?”

“Are you lost, sweetheart?” She caught his pink starfish hand to sweep him into one of the nearby stores. Seemed young enough to carry so she hitched him onto her hip before plopping him down on the counter. “Got a little lost boy here.”

“Is he old enough to talk?” The boy behind the counter offered up a lollipop. Chucked his chin to see his flushed little face. “Hey kid, what’s your-”

“Harry, oh thank god.” A disheveled and flustered young woman ran into the store to claim him. “You’ve got to stop wandering off, you hear me?”

“All’s well that ends well.” Jennifer smiled in relief and touched her heart.

“Thank you so much for taking care of him.” The woman held her baby tight. Kissed his eyes and kissed his hair. “I don’t know what I’d have done if he’d-”

“But he’s safe now.” Harry was suckling happily on his lollipop when Jennifer turned to see him. Clutching tightly to his mother’s skirts. “You found him, and he’s alright. He’ll have forgotten all about this once he’s finished his candy.”

“I can’t thank you enough.” The woman looked between them. “Both of you.”

“Well, we take cash _and_ check.” The sales assistant stuck his hands up when he saw the two women’s faces. Laughed in alarm and clicked his tongue. “That was a joke,” he insisted, tossing another red candy to the boy. “Here you go, Harry.”

“Are your people skills always this perfect?” Jennifer turned to him when the woman and her child had gone. One elbow on the counter while she laughed at him. “For a minute there I thought she was gonna sock you one.”

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time a customer’s done that.” A candy was slipped her way and the boy gestured to her eye. “You work in customer service too?”

“I do, actually.” Jennifer cringed and put her sunglasses back on. “But no, I- I actually ran into a door last week. I’m about as clumsy as they make ‘em.”

“Right. Of course.” He looked sorry then for even mentioning it. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this Miss, but I don’t shut up when I’m supposed to.”

“It’s fine,” she said. “You were just trying to make conversation.” Jennifer spotted his employee badge and pointed. “Is that your real name? _Dallas_?”

“Ugly as hell, isn’t it?” The boy nodded. “My mom named me after my-”

“You’re Dallas Tremont,” Jennifer blurted out. Shocked him because his eyes widened a little in his head. “You’re friends with my brother, right? Leo.”

“Leo Beaumont?” A smile broke when it was Jennifer’s turn to nod. “Hell, that makes you Jennifer, doesn’t it? You’re married to Fox Lewinsky’s son.”

“Tommy,” she said. “But how do you-”

“Let’s just say my family’s been up close and personal with the Lewinsky’s over the years.” Dallas looked around them then at the empty comic store. Swept his eyes over the colorful aisles that smelled of paper and print. “I can’t claim I’ve got any nice words to say about them. Especially that magician, Fox Lewinsky.”

“Why do you call him the magician?”

All was quiet in the little store.

“Because,” Dallas explained, leaning in close to see her. “He’s very good at making people disappear.” A chill danced across Jennifer’s spine at the same moment he said it. She shivered profusely and hugged her trench coat tighter around her. “Would you like to know the story of how I got my name?”

"Of how you got your-” She struggled to see how they were at all related. Then unwrapped the foil to stick her candy in her mouth. “Tell me,” she said decidedly.

And outside, it threatened rain.

\---

“What’s the matter? Don’t you believe me?” Rain poured outside the bedroom window when Jennifer asked the question. A breeze picking up to bluster russet leaves across the driveway. Fall had come to California in its intrepid and subtle way that afternoon. But Jennifer hadn’t noticed it until she saw it then.

“Sure, Jen. I believe you. It’s just-” Billy slipped a lazy hand beneath the bed linen. Felt for her thigh. “Eugenics experiments at the military base? Isn’t that a little _Indiana Jonesy_?” A grunt followed when she draped herself around him.

“The Nazis did eugenics experiments. Is that so hard to believe?”

"No,” he said. “But that’s the Nazis, Jen. They weren’t exactly nice people.”

“An understatement,” she agreed. “And our own government? What about the men in the suits who make all the rules around here? Do you think they’re nice?”

“ _Mittens_ are nice. I don’t really have an opinion on the Man.” Billy narrowed his eyes at her and squinted a little. “I can hear him talking through you.”

“Hear who?”

“This Dallas kid.” He stretched past her for the cigarettes on Tommy’s bedside table. Lit two and gave her one. “Isn’t he in the eleventh grade or something?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t care how young he is, I just....” Smoke bloomed from Jennifer’s lips after she took a drag. “He knows stuff, Billy. He was named after his uncle who uncovered all this stuff about the Base in the early seventies. Stuff about this eugenics program being up and running, even though it was supposed to have been shut down in the fifties by the FBI.”

“So they were running it in secret then?”

“And those numbers in Tommy’s office,” she nodded. “The ones I told you Leo saw? It makes you wonder, doesn’t it? If it’s still up and running to this day...”

“And he learned all of this from his uncle?”

“His Uncle Dallas. His namesake, basically. He was an investigative journalist for some newspaper, but he used to write fiction too under an alias. Anyway, one day this story is published about a military base. And the people who work there are trying to make the perfect human being. Super Soldiers. To fight against the Russians in the war. There’s a beautiful, intelligent scientist working there, and she uses her DNA like building blocks. Plucking out the best parts of herself and putting it all together like she’s making a pie. To make a perfect human being.”

Billy’s jaw had been taut while he was listening to her. Now it was slack again.

“But that was a story,” he said. Pulling the ashtray onto his lap between them both. “It wasn’t real. His uncle wrote it as a piece of science-fiction, or-”

“His uncle went missing,” she interrupted. “He went out for his usual Sunday drive, and then he just didn’t come home again. Dallas was only a kid at the time so he can’t remember any of it happening, but his mom said that the night before he disappeared, Fox Lewinsky paid a visit to the house.”

“Your father-in-law. The one who got fired. Did she say what he wanted?”

“He spoke to his uncle in private,” she said, sitting up. “But it gets better, Billy, because guess what?” Excited, Jennifer smushed her cigarette into the ashtray. One hand on his shoulder while she turned to him. “The night before he went missing, when Fox came to the house, Dallas’ mom said there was a little girl with him. A little girl in a white dress with a little blue bow in her hair...”

Billy knew where she was going with this so he asked her...

“What year was this?”

“1972,” she said carefully. “And my sister...”

“Went missing three years earlier.” Billy nodded and put the last of his cigarette out too. “Laura used to wear a hair ribbon. Hers was blue. Yours was red.”

“So people could tell us apart. That’s right.” Jennifer’s lips twisted hopefully, and she dug her fingers into Billy’s arm. Then bent her head to kiss along his hot shoulder. Worked her way up his neck until she was meeting his lips. “Well?”

“It’s possible. But I don’t understand what they’d want with a six-year-old.”

“I don’t either. But it’s something to think about.” Something to hope for. To cling to. “It feels kind of exciting to know a thing like that though. I think about it and I....think about Laura being in a place like that and I get all shivery. But it's like a hot-cold. Like when you hold an ice cube on your bare skin for a long time.”

“That’s called hope,” Billy said, but she shook her head.

“It’s not hope. It’s something else. I‘m scared, Billy. That’s what it is. I want my sister to be alive but at the same time...if she’s in that place...what the hell is she doing there? Why do they have her? Why hasn’t Tommy-”

“You don’t _know_ that she’s in there. Not for sure....”

“I guess I don’t,” she sighed. “But Dallas said he was going to look into it for me. The only thing I do know for sure is that my husband has a lot of secrets. _Big ones_ ,” she added. “And acting normal around him and having to pretend that everything is fine is gonna be...probably not that hard I guess.” She laughed because she did that every damn day. “I’m going to find out what he’s up to."

"And if Tommy finds out you’ve been snooping behind his back?”

“It wouldn’t be the _worst_ thing I’ve ever done behind his back.” As if to prove her point then, Jennifer kissed him. Then slipped down his chest to press her mouth against his stomach. Paused there, lips hovering. “Do you believe me, Billy?”

“Sure I do. Gives me another reason to hate the Lewinsky’s, right?”

“Hey,” she said, pouting and coming up. “ _I’m_ a Lewinsky.”

“You’re a Beaumont.” Billy hissed when she nipped at his collar. Hands on his body so he grunted at her touch. Hard flesh sizzling beneath her cool fingers. Heartbeat picking up. “Fuck, Jennifer. I don’t think I can go another round...”

“Now don’t tell me you’re all worn out,” Jennifer teased, draping herself across him to slip her hands beneath the sheets. Cupped him. Palmed him. Made his eyes flutter. “I seem to recall the _Great Night of Seven Times_ about a year or so back.” A smile as they both reminisced. “That was straight after a game.”

“Which we won by the way. I was running on a total high all night.”

“Oh, is that what you were running on?” Beneath the sheets, Jennifer’s hands had begun to worship him. Billy cursed her and gripped her tight. His blonde head tipping to the pillows so she hovered to see him. “Know what I want?”

“What do you want, Fi?”

Billy could hardly speak. Just breathed it.

“I want you to cum,” she whispered, leaning closer. “Right now. In my hand.”

“Right now? Fuck, I-” A jerk of his hips and Jennifer obliged by moving her hand faster. Used the other hand to sweep those clotted curls back from his forehead. Kissed the hot skin above his eyes until he was grunting and quaking. His mouth on her neck while she worked him up into a frenzy. Until he was hot and hard and throbbing in her fist. “You’re so fucking...you’re so-”

“Hush, don’t speak.” She kissed him. Soothed him. Ran those fingers down his forehead until they were slipping over his chest and underneath the sheets again. Pushing between her own thighs that were already slick and glistening with where he had been before. “Don’t say anything. Just cum for me.”

 _Cum with me. Just like this._ Billy’s body was vibrating in her hand. A hot and sparking thing that bucked and heaved to meet her. Made her own stomach dip and flood with heat when he grabbed at her impatiently. Pressed urgent fingers into the back of her neck to pull her face down for another kiss. Grunted filthy obscenities into her mouth while she moaned at his reaction. Was spurred to keep going until she felt him shuddering into her. Until Billy was groaning and Jennifer was groaning with him. Tucking her head beneath his chin while he heaved for more breath. Held her close. Held her so fucking close.

“Guess I could have gone another round after all.” He was humming when he could breathe again. Nuzzling into her. Slipping his tongue into her mouth for a slow, drawn-out kiss. “Know what you are, Jennifer?”

“About to be sick,” she groaned, and she sprang suddenly from the bed to run into the bathroom. Squatted by the toilet bowl in her thin little slip while she heaved and threw up the contents of her stomach. Was shivering when Billy came in to see her, so he fetched her robe and put it around her.

“Where did that come from?” He offered her water.

“Don’t know,” she shook. “It just came on so suddenly. I-” Jennifer pushed to stand and went back into the bedroom. Yearned to burrow back down beneath the sheets and close her eyes. “I don’t know, Billy. Maybe you better go.”

“You must have eaten something,” he tried. “You did eat all those chili fries.”

“Probably. Yes. I don’t know.” Jennifer curled up while Billy stood there anxiously in the doorway. Chewed on his lip before moving to get dressed. Crossed to the window to button up his jeans and retrieve the undershirt he’d tossed there.

“Are you sick, Jen?”

“This happened last week too,” she grumbled mournfully. Eased a sigh out before turning to inhale the pillows. Rubbed her cheek against the side that smelled most like him. Then opened her eyes to see him. “I should change these sheets before Tommy gets back. He’ll be home later and I haven’t even-”

“ _I’ll_ change the sheets. _I’ll_ do them.”

“No,” Jennifer sighed, forcing herself to rise. “I’ll do them. Tommy likes them a certain way and he’ll only get upset if they’re not done right.” Sitting upright now, she allowed herself to breathe shallowly. Then broke to laugh. “I’m sorry, Billy.”

“What for?” He was putting his boots on now.

“For almost throwing up on you. Sort of ruined your afterglow there, didn’t I?”

“It’s probably just something you ate. But you’ll feel better.” Billy crossed to kiss her clammy forehead, tucking his shirt into his jeans. “You’re my girl,” he eased, crouching to see her. “You’re my girl. And you could have thrown up all over me and it still wouldn’t have made any difference...I wouldn’t have been mad.”

“You’re just saying that,” she pushed teasingly. “You’d have killed me.”

“You wanna bet?” Billy seized her and kissed her just to prove it. Took her legs and pulled her under him until she was giggling and squirming. Kissing him back with a silly, drunken smile. Felt like she was floating on that bed with him.

All better now because some kisses just cured everything.

“I really like being your girl,” Jennifer sighed.

“ _Again_.” Billy cocked his head at her on his way to the door. Turned there to flash her a smile. Jennifer floated higher just because she could feel his eyes on her.

“Again,” she agreed, floating still. “I really like being your girl again.”

—-

Jennifer woke that night when Tommy came easing into bed beside her. Back from work and smelling like the cigarettes he’d smoked in the car. She felt him pressing up against her back and those arms went around her. Tommy’s lips on the crook of her neck as he tried to feel for her mouth in the dark. Kissed her goodnight before settling down to sleep. Breathing deeply against her hair.

_“Are you awake, Jennifer?”_

Tommy whispered it and she stirred a little. Brought her hand up to hold the arm around her waist. Jennifer’s eyes fluttered open to the pale papered wall and they were flat and hollow. Then sparked to life like they were supposed to.

“No,” she said, and she knew he would laugh. “What’s the matter, Tommy?”

“I saw your tea on the nightstand. You’re drinking chamomile.”

“It calms me down. It helps me sleep.” She turned over her shoulder to kiss him. Reluctantly sighing when he chose to deepen it. “How was your day at work?”

"Average. The same as usual.” Tommy rolled on top of her and she gasped at his weight. Caught the silvery outline of his face when he rose to see her. “It’s nothing you’d find very interesting, and nothing I’d be permitted to talk about... So tell me,” he said again seriously. “Were you sick again today?”

“How’d you know that?”

“You’re drinking chamomile.”

“Oh, alright,” she sighed, giving in. “Yes, but I’m fine now.”

“That’s twice though, isn’t it? Don’t you think you should go and see a doctor?”

“What for?” She asked, shifting beneath him. “I told you, I’m alright. I think I’m just feeling a little burned out right now. You know I’ve been taking those extra shifts on at the diner...” She saw his face and reached up to touch it. Traced the outline of his nose. “Everybody gets a little burned out once in a while.”

“Not at eighteen,” he disagreed. “You’re still just a baby.”

“What? And you never felt tired at eighteen, Tommy?”

“I don’t even feel tired now. You’re not old enough to know how bad life can get.”

“My life isn’t perfect.” She felt his mouth on her shoulder and she grimaced at the ceiling. Hands flat on the bed while he inched down to kiss her legs and stomach. “Bad things _have_ happened to me, Tommy. I’m not entirely-”

“So tell me.” It sounded like a challenge when he slipped up again to kiss her face. “What ‘bad things’ have happened to you, Jennifer?”

“ _My sister went missing_ ,” she hissed. Tried to roll out from under him but he held her fast. “For God’s sake, Tommy. How could you ask a thing like that?”

“Every person has one bad thing that happens to them in this lifetime,” he said, unflinchingly. “Yours was probably your sister going missing. But doesn’t it make you feel a little bit better knowing that it’s out of the way?”

“And what was yours?” Heat rose to her cheeks as she stared at him. “Watching your mom jump off the roof when you were a kid?” Jennifer grunted when she felt his grip on her tighten. Hot breath on her cheek because he was breathing hard. “Bad things happen all the time, Tommy. They don’t wait around for you to be strong enough to deal with it. They just happen. They come into your life looking like a good thing, and you don’t realize that it’s bad until it’s too late.”

“And what ‘bad thing’ would this be?” He asked accusingly.

“I don’t know,” she lied. “I was just using it as an example.”

“Sure you were.” Tommy slipped down to kiss her again. Hands wandering while she lay there, stiff as a board. “Have you thought that you might be pregnant?”

“Pregnant?” _Impossible_. Jennifer shook her head. “I don’t think so...”

“You sound so surprised, but it’s not as if we haven’t been trying for one.”

“I would know if I was pregnant, Tommy.” Jennifer wriggled out from under him and sat at the edge of the bed. One hand on her flat stomach while the other gripped the sheets behind her. “Women know these things,” she went on. “We _know_ when things are changing, or when there’s something wrong. I don’t know how we know but we do...It’s like when you know you’re getting your period tomorrow and not the day after. It’s like it’s knowledge. But inside of you.”

“Sounds to me like you’re afraid to find out.”

She quickly whipped to see him. “I’m not afraid.”

“It’s okay if you are,” he said, gentle now and coming up behind her. “But think about it, Jennifer. _Really_ think about it. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had a baby growing inside of you? A baby of our own that could make us happy?”

“You say that like we’re not happy already.” Jennifer’s voice was sour.

“We could be a real family then,” Tommy went on, ignoring her. “You’d be all pretty and plump, and craving things in the middle of the night.” A hand came around her to press into her belly. The other took her jaw to twist her into him. “We’d be so happy, wouldn’t we? So _terribly, terribly_ happy.”

“Terribly.” That seemed to be the right word for it. “A boy, Tommy?”

“Of course. But he’d have his mother’s eyes and his mother’s smile.”

“Wouldn’t you like a little girl?” She wished she could reach over for the light just to see his face. “A little girl with a blue hair ribbon that looked just like me.”

"Maybe after,” Tommy said, and he pulled her down with him into the bed. Held her still so she just lay there and let him love her. “Promise you’ll take a test?”

“I promise, Tommy.” Jennifer closed her eyes and conjured angels in her head. Thought of the tiny, black and white photo strip from that afternoon, tucked away safely in her purse. Tucked away with the little pills that she took each day to prevent her from being so terribly, terribly happy...

Jennifer’s head was all knotted up with blue ribbon.

She wondered for just how long she could go on loving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. Jennifer will catch a break one of these days. Stick around and chat or talk to me on my Tumblr Nottherightseason xoxo


	16. Over The Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update! Thank you everyone for sticking with me so far. It means a lot that there's still people sticking around :) TW: This chapter is pregnancy heavy with abortion themes. Some characters say some shitty things about it that obviously aren't reflective of my own views. Every woman should have a choice what to do with their own body and I hope this chapter illustrates how important it is that they get that, and how dangerous it can be when they're denied it. 
> 
> TW: Pregnancy/Abortion theme. Sexual references. Domestic violence. Gaslighting and bullying from Tommy. Implied self-harm towards the end.

“ _Pregnant_. And you’re quite sure that’s what it says?” The doctor’s office had a funny smell to it. A sickly, sterile coldness that snapped at the nose and made Jennifer’s stomach churn. “But I can’t be...I don’t understand how this could-”

“There’s always going to be a risk involved no matter what type of contraception you use.” The doctor tutted at her in an attempt to be sympathetic. "Abstinence, Mrs. Lewinsky. It’s the only type of birth control you can trust.”

“But I never even missed a pill,” Jennifer insisted. Had found herself arguing with him as if that would change it all somehow. “I took it at the same time every day without fail. I was careful, Doctor. I did everything you said. To the letter.”

“Sometimes...these things happen.”

“Sometimes these things happen?” It was a pathetic attempt to rationalize and calm her. Jennifer found herself laughing at the very words. _Sometimes these things happen._ “Doctor...isn’t there any way that you could be mistaken?”

“Absolutely not. It says it right here if you’ll look.”

“But it _could_ be a mistake? I mean, there’s always a chance, isn’t there?”

“Mrs. Lewinsky, I get the impression you’re not entirely happy with this news?”

“Yeah, no shit,” she burst, sinking back into her seat. “God, I’d rather be dead.”

“ _Mrs. Lewinsky._ ” The doctor glanced up in alarm. “That’s a very serious comment to make in front of someone who has a duty of care to you. I can only hope that you said it as a means of expression and didn’t actually intend it.”

“Of course not,” she said, and she felt like crying. Scolded like a schoolgirl who didn’t know any better. “I’m just a little shocked, that’s all. It’s a lot to take in.”

“Well...now that’s understandable.”

“But I just- I don’t know what I should do.”

“That’s easy. You go home and you talk to your husband.” He was already slipping her papers away. “You mentioned he’s been wanting to try with you, so I imagine he’ll be over the moon.” The doctor got up to help her into her coat. One hand on her elbow as they crossed to the door. “Try to smile and keep your chin up, Mrs. Lewinsky,” he offered unhelpfully. “Things could always be a lot worse.”

“Worse?” She wondered. “How on earth could this be-”

“I see girls come into this office and they’re in no fit state to be mothers. But _you_...you’re young. You’re healthy. You’ve got a husband and a lovely home...I suggest you treat him to a nice dinner and break the news to him tonight.”

“Tommy will be over the moon,” she echoed flatly, and that was what she was so afraid of. Tommy. That look on his face when she told him what he was so damn desperate to hear. The kisses that would follow. The hands. The thank you’s...

Over the moon. It was all dark there. Nowhere to go but fall and tumble into the opaque blackness. Nothing to do but spin amongst the frosted stars and wait for your lungs to starve out. Hoping somehow that you’d fall asleep before they did.

Hum a lullaby. Dream like a baby.

Billy was waiting for her in the parking lot when Jennifer finally stumbled out. A sky blue scarf knotted at her chin as she wrapped her pale duster coat around her. Swept herself into his arms as soon as she had slid into the seat beside him. Lungs heaving to inhale all that cologne and leather.

Eyes prickling to water.

“ _I_ _am_ ,” she uttered. Her voice cracked and it was all she said.

“I knew you were. I could see it in your face when you came out.”

“But I was so sure that I wasn’t, Billy. I swear to you I was taking the pill every day.” Fists balled into his jacket to tug him closer. Anger bubbling because it just wasn’t fair. “Tommy’s gonna make me keep it,” she sniffed. “I know he will.”

“Tommy’s not gonna ‘make’ you do anything.”

“But you don’t know how he gets sometimes. And he makes it so damn hard to argue with him. Feels like if he sat talking to me long enough he could make me do anything he wanted.” It was a frightening thing. The hold he had on her. That inner desire she possessed at all times to be so perfect for him. To be beautiful. To be smart. To be funny. To have him love her even when she wasn’t sure she wanted him to. “You don’t know how badly he’s been wanting this baby.”

“You know this is your fucking problem, Jennifer.” Billy kept one arm around her while he started the engine. Tugged the Camaro out onto the road. “You spend your whole life living for other people. Paying your mom’s bills, looking after your brother...giving birth to this man’s kid just so he can fuck around playing happy-”

“What if it’s yours?”

Billy glanced at her like the thought hadn’t occurred to him until then.

“If it was,” he said. “And I asked you to keep it...would you?”

“ _Are_ you asking me to keep it?”

”I’m trying to prove a point. You shouldn’t be doing this for anyone but yourself.” Billy’s jaw grew slack and he gripped her shoulder. “So now I’m asking you what you want, Jennifer. Not what _I_ want, or what _Tommy_ wants. What do _you_ want?”

“I don’t know,” she struggled. “I don’t know what I want. All I know is what I-”

“Don’t want,” Billy finished for her. “Is that it?”

“Yes.” Jennifer shook and wiped her eyes. “I’m scared, Billy. I’m so fucking scared-“ They’d reached a stoplight so Billy leaned over and kissed her. Bent her back over his arm until the lights had changed.

He didn’t say anything.

It never occurred to her until then that he might have been scared too. She just hadn’t been able to picture a man like Billy being scared. He was too big. Too untouchable. Too devil-may-care with his fast car and his flashy biker boots.

Jennifer touched his arm when the car slipped up 44th Street towards the house. Felt all the muscles under his jacket tense up with apprehension. Wanted to kiss him all better. To have him kiss her better too. Wanted to make it all okay again.

“We still have time to think,” she eased out, trying to be calm for him. “Maybe I’ll talk to Tommy. I mean, who knows maybe he’ll-“

 _“Fuck me_.” Billy slammed on the breaks. “ _His car’s out front.”_

“Back up,” Jennifer squeaked.

“I thought you said he was at work.”

“I thought he was.” She snatched hurriedly for her purse. “I better go-”

“Jennifer.” Billy caught her coat sleeve when she slipped out onto the gray sidewalk. Her bangs all fluffy under her scarf. Billy thought his heart beat a little faster just looking at her. “I promise we’ll sort this. I’ll take care of you, got it?”

“Got it, Billy.” 

She was ashen. Didn’t dare kiss him goodbye. 

“I’ll see you later, okay? I’m sorry.”

“You’ll be alright?” 

She came closer that time so he tugged on the knot of her scarf. Jennifer only nodded. Then she turned to hurry inside.

When she was gone, Billy backed out and drove all the way home. Stopped on the driveway and noticed Susan slipping out of the garage with a basket of laundry on her hip. She hovered there and gave him a shy little wave when they saw each other. Apprehensive, as if she wasn’t sure he would return it.

Billy did. Then pretended to be searching for his cigarettes while she went inside again. Cursed and broke to cry the very moment she was out of sight.

\---

“Well? Are you?” It was the first thing Tommy said to her when she went inside. Slipped out of his study in his tie and shirtsleeves to corner Jennifer in the little hallway. “Your silence is killing me. What did the doctor say?” 

Half-way to the stairs and she had almost made it. 

Jennifer just wanted a lie-down.

“He said yes.” It scared her how normal her voice sounded. Didn’t crack or dip like it had in the car with Billy. “He said I’m probably around five or six weeks.”

“That long, huh?”

“It isn’t really when you think about it.” Jennifer went around him and up the stairs. Was already taking off her coat and scarf. Tommy followed behind her so she grew irritated. “He showed me a picture of what it’s supposed to look like right about now. It’s barely big enough to be called anything. It’s a bean.”

“It’s a _baby_ ,” he corrected her. Swept his arms around her when she went to the mirror and peered into the glass with her. “It’s _our_ baby, Jennifer.”

“ _Our baby_. God, doesn’t that sound...” Jennifer touched his arm and tried to turn to him. He was holding her fast. “Tommy, can I ask you something?”

“Just...hold that thought for one second.” He freed her and crossed to the bedside table. Dug around for something while Jennifer sank into the dresser chair. “I was going to save this for your pageant. But then I thought, what the hell? The mother of my child deserves all the diamonds in the world, right?”

“Oh, God Tommy, you shouldn’t have...” He came towards her with the necklace pinched between two fingers. A gorgeous thing. Silver stones set into a tight band. A choker. A dog collar. An embellished noose. “Tommy, I wish you hadn’t.”

“Isn’t it beautiful?” He put it around her. Kissed her there so that heat pooled in her cheeks. “I saw it and I thought of you. It makes you look all grown up.”

“All grown up.” Jennifer didn’t feel so grown-up anymore. “I need to talk to you.”

“Me first,” he said.

“But I really think I should-“

“ _Jennifer_ , _please_.” He kissed her impatiently into silence. “Just let me talk, okay? I’ve got something I want to say to you. ‘Cause I’ve been thinking...” He dropped down beside her chair. Knelt there like he was proposing to her. “I’m not going to pretend like our marriage hasn’t had a couple of ‘ups and downs’ these past few weeks...I know you’ve been melancholy about this whole baby thing, but I think this is a sign, you know? I think this is our shot for happiness. For always.”

“ _Tommy_.”

“Listen to me,” he insisted. “Because I’m not an idiot, okay? I want you to be happy. I want to take care of you. It’s my job to take care of you and I-“ Tommy bent to kiss her stomach through the fabric of her blouse. Made her tense up just to feel his hot mouth on her. “It’s the greatest honor of my life, Jennifer. To have a family with you. I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather-“

_“Please don’t make me have this baby.”_

“What’d you say?” Tommy stopped kissing. Jennifer went still in the chair and couldn’t look at him. Tried to keep her hands still on her lap while he bore his eyes into her. Knew that if she put one foot wrong she’d go plunging down into the abyss. Into the place where even the stars refused to shine.

“This baby,” she said carefully, and her voice shook. “I don’t want it. I can’t. I’ve never wanted it. I’ve told you that.”

“Yes, but we said-“

“ _We_ didn’t say anything, Tommy. You said that you wanted a baby and as usual, I just went along with what you said because it’s easier than fighting with you.” Fingers strained to twist her skirt on her knee. Fabric bunched all hot and sweaty. “If you make me have this baby then I may as well be dead-“

“Jennifer.”

“Please, listen to me,” she tried. “Because I’ve thought about this a lot and I know what I want. Or _don’t_ want,” she softened, looking up. “And I can’t, Tommy. I can’t have this baby for you. I’m sorry. Please, don’t make me-“

“There’s something wrong with you.”

“No! There isn’t. I just can’t do it.”

“You’re sick,” Tommy goaded, leaning over her. “Do you even hear yourself right now? Hey, look at me-“ He grabbed her under her chin. All patience gone. “Do you know how sick that makes you sound, Jennifer?”

_“You’re hurting me-”_

“Oh, I’m hurting you. Can we talk about how you’re hurting me? My own wife, who doesn’t even want my fucking kid...I mean, you’ve got to be a pretty fucked up sort of woman to turn around and say what you’ve just said.” Tommy forced her further back into the chair and Jennifer shrank from him. Felt the pulse in her throat speeding beneath his fingers. “I know you’ve had a little difficulty with the concept of motherhood. But I thought once you actually got pregnant, you’d be-”

Let go of me," she squirmed.

“It’s an illness, you know.” Fingers tightened and she batted at his hand. “You’re lucky I’m not the kind of man who agrees with locking women away in hospitals. That’s what my father did. And my poor mother was put away for less than that.”

“So that’s what this is about?” Tommy let go of her while she spluttered and caught her breath. Rubbed at the grooves in her throat where that damn necklace had cut in. Jennifer tore it free and shot him a furious look. Thought to rush out of her chair and throw the thing at him. “This is about _you_ , isn’t it? Just like it’s always about you. And you’re pretending like this isn’t some fucked up do-over fantasy where we can play mommy and daddy, and live happily ever after in this great big house. You say you don’t want things to be like it was with your parents but you’re acting just like him-”

“Like who?”

“Like your father!” she burst angrily. Felt small in the chair so she stood up too. “You make me have this baby and you may as well be locking me up. My life will be as good as over! In fact,” she sneered at him, inching closer. “Keep it up Tommy and who knows? Maybe I’ll jump off the roof too just like mommy did!”

“ _You fucking_ -” Tommy knocked her sideways for that. Hit her face with the back of his hand so she cried out. Saw stars. Tasted blood on her bottom lip when she ran her tongue over it. Tommy stared at her and then he stared ruefully at his hand. “I’m sorry,” he said, and she laughed at him. “I shouldn’t have hit you.”

“Two days before the pageant and my darling husband gives me a split lip.”

“It isn’t split.” He beckoned for her. Took her arm so he could twist her into him. Then thumbed at her sore mouth. “Come here. It’s barely bleeding.”

“You’re hurting me.”

“No, I’m not.” Tommy kissed her. Gently that time like he was really trying not to hurt her. There was blood on his mouth when he pulled away and Jennifer stared at him. Thought of a vampire that was sucking her dry. Draining her of all she had. “There,” he soothed and he cradled her head. “All better now.”

“Don’t do that, Tommy.” She squirmed from him.

“Don’t do what?”

“This. Don’t pretend like everything’s okay.”

“But it _is_ okay,” he said, and they both looked up when they heard the door opening downstairs. Leo’s school bag hitting the hallway floor. “I’ve got my wife and I’ve got my baby. And now I’ve got everything I could ever want in life. Don’t you see, Jennifer?” He took her arms and kissed her a second time. Just to show her that he could. “I’m absolutely over the moon.”

—-

Steam rose when Susan poured the hot chocolate that night. Rich and dark, and bubbling in its pot. Wafting up to make her mouth water, and filling the Hargrove’s little kitchen with its dreamy, chocolate smell. Susan Hargrove loved these nights the most. Cherished them. Sweet nights like these when her husband worked late, and a deep sigh of relief fell over the house. It was peace to have those moments to herself. Pouring hot chocolate for her children.

“Is Billy not coming out?” She glanced up when her daughter came to hover behind her. Cozy in her dressing gown and slippers. Fiery red hair in braids because it was almost time for bed. “Go call him. Tell him it’s ready.”

“Don’t want to,” Max said. “Billy’s in a mood tonight.”

“Billy’s _always_ in a mood.” From the other side of the house, music pounded from a stereo. Clashing rock music that shook the walls. Susan fetched the three mugs to the table. “You should go talk to him.”

Max wrinkled up her nose.

“I don’t go into his room anymore. Not after I walked in and he was-“

“He was more embarrassed about that than you were.” Hands flapped at her daughter to shush her and Susan quelled a smile. “Go see if there’s a movie on TV or something then. I’ll go talk to him myself. See if he’s okay.”

Billy answered the knock on his bedroom door a reluctant five or so seconds later. Dressed coolly in an open red shirt and jeans. His brown leather jacket slung over the foot of the bed. Susan gestured when he went back to the mirror.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“I’m out of cigarettes.” His tone was gruff. Defensive. Billy cut the music and watched her through the glass. “Why? Did you want something?”

“Max is putting a movie on,” Susan tried, wetting her lips anxiously. “There’s hot chocolate in the kitchen, and some cookies I was supposed to be saving away for Christmas....” The redhead sobered when she felt her step-son’s gaze on her through the mirror. One eyebrow cocked at her suspiciously. “I just thought-”

“You just thought it’d be nice.” He went back to tucking his shirt in. Slipped his arms into his jacket. “Thanks. But I think I’ll pass on family bonding time.”

“Your father isn’t here.”

She saw Billy hesitate. “That isn’t why I’ve-”

“You’ve been quiet tonight. Quieter than usual.” Susan went on anyway because she had to. Because she had to let this boy know that he wasn’t alone. He didn’t have to be. Not ever if he reached out to the right people. “When you were on the driveway this afternoon, it looked like you wanted to tell me something...”

“It did, did it?” Billy crossed to the dresser for his earring. Shoved the unopened pack of Marlboro’s into his desk drawer while Susan pretended not to see. “Well, I’m fine,” he said, and he hesitated a second time. “But.... _thanks anyway.”_

Susan smiled. Thought briefly about crossing into his room to put her arms around him. Knew that deep down beneath that hardened exterior of metal and leather, Billy was still the sweet, curly-haired ten-year-old boy he’d been when she’d first met him. A little ten-year-old boy who was more quiet and pensive than he liked to let on. Wide-eyed and thoughtful. Noticing everything. The kind of boy who defended her when his father played a little too rough. Went teary-eyed at Christmas commercials and pretended not to.

“I’ll leave your chocolate on the side in case you change your mind then.” Susan hovered in the doorway and backed off to show him she was leaving. “If you’re going out then don’t forget to-“

“She’s pregnant, Susan.”

“ _Who is?_ ” His announcement jarred her. Had her blinking at him in total surprise. Hands fluttered nervously to the collar at her blouse. “What are you talking about? Who’s pregnant?”

“Jennifer,” he said. “She’s having a baby.”

“Oh...” A moment passed and she sighed with all the sympathy she had. A wistful smile on her face as she braved it into his room. Hovered for a second before perching at the end of his bed. “I’m sorry, Billy. I know it must be hard for you now that she’s moving on and everything.” Hands patted sympathetically at the duvet. “But she and Tommy are married now...and if they’re really-“

“It’s mine,” he blurted out distractedly. Shocked her further. “Or I think it is. I guess I can’t know for sure ‘cause Tommy’s been making her try for one...” Billy frowned out and didn’t look at her. Stared at a blob of blu tack above his head like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. “She’s in trouble, Susan.”

“Didn’t you ever think of using protection?”

Billy snapped his head towards her. Looked offended.

“No shit. What are we, _twelve_? Still happened though, didn’t it? And now I’m gonna have to try and find someplace for her. A doctor or something, cause-”

“She doesn’t want it,” she finished for him. Twisted her hot hands into the bed-sheets. “...And Tommy?”

“Is a prick just like my father.” Billy smashed his fist into his hand as if to show her what he meant. Made her jump. “She wants out, Susan. She’s wanted out for a while she just hasn’t had the guts to say it until now. He’s fucking breaking her. And this baby...well, let’s just say it’s a massive fucking inconvenience.”

“That’s an awful thing to say.”

“Doesn’t stop it from being true.” Billy scowled out defensively at his reflection. Tense under all that denim and leather. “It was an accident. It’s not like we planned for any of this to happen. It just did.”

“But you’re having an affair with her...”

“Spare me the lecture, huh?” Eyes flashed and she braced herself for the cold shoulder. For the hair-raising static that prickled the air when one dared put one of the Hargrove men in a bad mood. Susan braced herself but it didn’t come. There was only a huff from Billy. “It’s not just sex, okay? This is Jennifer.”

 _This is Jennifer._ Little Jennifer Beaumont who stood five foot five in her highest heels. Had traipsed around town clinging to her father’s arm until he’d left her when she was fifteen. Left her with a broken mother and a brother who was dependant on her. Billy Hargrove had been her only constant in life. A lone bright star on an otherwise bleak and gloomy sky. That is until she’d met Tommy.

“What do you think she sees in him anyway?” Without thinking, Billy sank onto the bed beside her. Elbows on his knees. Shoulders hunched. “She must have liked him at first, you know? There must have been something about him that was good. Better even. Better than me.” He shook his head uselessly as if he knew the answer wasn’t out there. “I guess I’ll just never understand it.”

“Sometimes...people fall in love for survival,” Susan said. “Sometimes all you want is somebody to love you. Somebody who’ll fill that void inside of you and make life a little more bearable.” A moment passed between them and she smiled gently. “Maybe Jennifer just wanted somebody to love her like you did.”

“Do you miss him?” Slowly, Billy raised his head. “Your husband. Your old one.”

“I miss him every single day.” Emotion welled and the woman blinked hot tears away. “Sometimes I dream that I’m somewhere else, and that drunk driver never hit him on his way home from work that night. Life was easier and sweeter back then but...there isn’t anything I can do about it. You can’t bring back the dead and save them a second time around. You can only do that for the living.”

“You think I can save her?”

“I think...you can help her save herself.” Perhaps they were already halfway there. Perhaps he was the bobbing life buoy she needed to keep herself afloat. Perhaps he could give her the strength to keep on kicking before she smashed into the rocks. “I think...you should be careful not to lose her again.”

“You’re saying I should fight for her?”

“It sounds to me like you already are.” Susan sighed and touched his arm. Felt it tense up but then relax again. “You’re really nothing like him, you know.”

Billy bristled involuntarily. 

“Like who?”

“Like your father,” she said. “Your heart isn’t meant for filling voids. Your heart is...good. And kinder than you’d care to think. Your absence _makes_ voids.”

Billy snorted loudly at that. An attempt to hide his embarrassed laughter.

“Guess I must have got that off my mom then, huh?”

“I guess you did. She must have been a fighter too.”

“She was...she is. I...” Billy didn’t know what else to say so he took off his jacket. Folded it neatly across the foot of the bed again. “Know what Susan?”

“What?” She said, humoring him.

“I think...maybe I will have that hot chocolate after all.”

\----

The following afternoon, Jennifer fell asleep with a frown on her face. Worry lines that couldn’t be kissed away even when Billy tried to ease them there beneath his mouth. Kissed those twisted curls and tried to soften the fierce clench of her jaw while she slumbered. Massaged her fingers loose to unfurl her creased up palms. Reflex kicking in and drawing tight again no sooner than he had let go of her hot little hand. Jennifer stirred restlessly and wouldn’t stop. Burrowed deep into Billy’s side as if she was silencing something within herself.

Silencing what, he did not know. Silencing something sorrowful.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” Billy shook her awake when the time on his watch read three. Sleepy sighs from Jennifer. Fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt. That mouth, drunk with sleep, searching for his before her eyes had even opened.

Jennifer rolled onto her stomach and came up to see him. 

Smiled sweetly like she’d forgotten he was there.

“You were drooling,” Billy joked, thumbing at the corner of her mouth. “You were knocked out. Must have really needed that sleep, huh?”

“ _Mm_ , what time is it?” Jennifer turned his wrist up to see the time. Lay back down again. “Guess I didn’t sleep so good last night.”

“That makes two of us.”

“Thinking about the baby?”

“Thinking about you.” Absentmindedly, he stroked her long hair. Soft beneath his fingers. Soft because she’d been to the salon that very morning. “Thinking about Tommy, and whether he was-“

“He was angry with me last night.” Jennifer frowned and touched her mouth with her ring finger. Bare like it always was when she was with Billy. “I didn’t even have to say the word ‘ _abortion_ ’ and he was already jumping down my throat. Now I think he’s just pretending I never mentioned any of it. Thinks if he can pretend like everything’s normal, then I’ll just go along with what he wants...”

“But you won’t?”

Carefully, Jennifer shook her head. 

Dark curls spilled across linen and across Billy’s chest.

“I won’t,” she sighed. “ I _can’t_...Not even when I try and get a little excited about it. Try to picture myself pushing a buggy down the boardwalk. Feeding the ducks at the lake...I know I’m supposed to feel happy about a thing like this. Maybe that’s what ‘ _normal_ ’ women are supposed to feel. But I don’t, Billy. All I feel is this insufferable dread...And this grief. Grief like somebody I love has died.”

“I’ll find you someplace,” Billy promised, and Jennifer pushed up and clung to him.

“But don’t you understand yet? Tommy isn’t going to just let me find ‘someplace’. Do you think he won’t notice that I’m suddenly not pregnant anymore? That I’m bleeding?” Eyes dropped at the thought and fingers twisted into sheets. “If he found out what I’d done...he’d kill me.”

“Well, I’m not gonna let him kill you.”

“He’ll kill you too if you get involved, Billy. Tommy’s bad news and nobody knows it more than I do. I saw it in his eyes last night when we were talking. Made my blood turn cold, and all because I’d...” Jennifer trailed off and thought she better explain. “He was trying to get me to talk about baby names,” she started. “Right before we went to bed, he leaned over and he asked me what I had in mind. At first, all I could think about was how mad I was at him for acting like our fight had never happened. But then I thought I’d test him. Just...push the boat out a little.”

“What happened?” Billy asked.

“I said if it was a girl then I’d want a pretty name for her. A name like Abbie, or Jessica, or Lucy. Or _Ivy_ ,” she said, looking up. “And when I said that, his whole body just went still...And he looked angry.”

“Angry?”

“Angry. Scared. Annoyed. I don’t know what it was. But then he leaned in real close and asked me where I’d got that name from. I told him I’d just heard it around, and I knew he couldn’t say anything. I knew he couldn’t accuse me of knowing something without him giving himself away first. But I just wanted to see his face. I wanted to see what his eyes said.”

“Smart girl. But that was risky.” Billy raised an arm for her to slide under. Kissed her naked fingers. “I’m just sorry we’ve got so many pieces and we still can’t see the bigger picture yet. I just wish we could-“

“It’ll all come together. It has to in the end.”

“Do you think it will?”

“I hope so...” Jennifer nuzzled sleepily into his shoulder. Then stretched for his other hand. “You should go...Leo’ll be back from school soon.”

“And what if I didn’t go? What if I just stayed here?”

“What’d you mean?”

“Think about it,” Billy coaxed, tracing patterns along her spine. “Imagine if Tommy walked in here right now and saw us like this. What’d you think he’d do?”

“Shoot us.” Jennifer laughed and she drew herself tighter into his side. Kissed his necklace through his shirt. “He’s probably got a shotgun stored away somewhere. It’d be front-page fucking news by morning, and then the whole town’ll know about us...”

“And we’d also be dead,” Billy added, grinning. “Which I guess would be slightly worse than our town knowing we shacked up.”

“I agree that does kind of top it, doesn’t it?” A smile from Jennifer and she was clambering to climb his chest. Sweeping her hair across his eyes when she bent her head to kiss him. “But let’s imagine you do stay here...what would you do to me on our last day on earth?”

“Our last day on earth? Can think of a couple of things.” Hands wandered and found her blouse buttons. Plucked them open to slip inside. Jennifer’s red lips parted when he palmed at her breasts. “I’d show you a good fucking time,” he promised. “Make sure you never forgot it. Can’t do the kind of things I wanna do to you when you get upstairs to heaven.”

“You think we’re going there?”

“Don’t sound very confident, Fi.” Billy rolled with her until he was on top, nudging her thighs open with his knees. He came to rest between them and she sighed softly. Her dark head tipped back as if having him fit there was all that was right with the world. Jennifer hummed when he began working kisses into her neck. Made her arch for him. Spine curving to fit. 

Billy took her hands and kissed along each finger. Then rocked back onto his heels to see her. “Tell me what you want, Jennifer.”

Hands tugged playfully at his belt but he stopped her. 

Jennifer drew back and rolled her eyes at him.

“You should know what I want by now.”

“So say it,” he teased. “Tell me what you want.”

“I want you to make love to me.” 

It wasn’t what he had been expecting, and Jennifer blushed deeply when he raised his head to see her. Eyes scanning her features anyway because her sudden shyness was endearing. “I mean...you don’t have to if you-“

Billy hushed her.

“You mean, Tommy’s never made love to you?”

“He did once. The night we got married. I think he cried and everything.” Jennifer clung to him when Billy came closer. Fingers winding to tug at his hair. “He just fucks me now and I know it’s not the same thing. I wouldn’t even call it ‘fucking’ if I had a better word for it. It’s ‘rutting’, that’s what it is. Something the animals do. And he won’t touch me unless it’s to turn himself on. Doesn’t even like me touching myself if he can help it.” Jennifer frowned out against Billy’s kisses. “He wants to hit me.”

“Has he?”

“During sex? No, not yet.”

“But he wants to,” Billy finished for her. “Right?”

“He says it’s another way of saying _I Love You_.” She earned a scoff from him when she said that. Billy scooting back to see her. “But people don’t do that...”

“I guess some people do. Whatever floats your fucking boat, right? But I guess the fun’s all gone when the other person doesn’t want you to do it.”

 _“_ Would you ever do it? If I asked you to.”

“You’re not asking me...”

“I don’t know.” Jennifer sat up in the bed. “Put your hand around my throat. Let me see what it’s like.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” She was already opening her blouse so he could see her. That throat exposed to the air and to his own large hands. Billy flexed them slowly and Jennifer’s eyes flickered. A warmth spreading ever so slightly in the pit of her stomach. She wondered if Billy felt it too. Pretended not to.

“You won’t hurt me.”

“Because I’m not doing it.”

“No, because I trust you.” She lay down slowly and waited. Saw Billy’s fingers twitch at her. “I trust you, Billy.”

“You trust me?”

Billy loomed over her and slowly adjusted his weight. Felt the hardness of Jennifer’s hipbones pushing up against his thighs. Stomach dipping when he drew nearer. Planted a kiss against her hot forehead.

“Tell me to stop and I will...”

“ _Oh_.” Jennifer’s mouth opened when that fist closed around her throat. Thumb tucked beneath her jaw but not squeezing. Billy felt a twitch in his jeans and mused curiously on what it was that was so arousing about having Jennifer in the palm of his hand like that. Having her trust him completely. Her hot fingers fluttering to his wrist...“Hit me, Billy.”

“ _That’s enough.”_ Fun over, he promptly let go of her. Watched Jennifer shoot up in alarm. “I’m not helping you build up a tolerance so your husband can play Jack the Ripper when he fucks you.” Breath caught painfully and Billy’s chest ached. “I’ll make love to you, Jen. I’ll do anything you want me to. But don’t ever ask me to hurt you because I won’t. I’m not like them. I’m not like Tommy or my father...”

“I know that. I’m sorry...” She crawled to him on her knees. Lips feeling blindly for him. “I’m sorry, Billy. Don’t be mad at me, okay? I know you’re not like them. Not at all, not even a little bit.” Arms encircled his neck and Jennifer clung to him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean a word of it.”

“Just leave him, Jen. Please. Before it’s too late.”

“I will,” she promised. Soothed him. Kissed his burning forehead. “Honey, I will. I will, okay?”

“And now I really should go.” Billy climbed off the bed and she went with him. Held him all the way down the stairs and into the hallway. “Look after yourself...I’ll see you at the pageant tomorrow, alright?”

“I’ll be the one with the crown on my head.”

“And put your ring back on. Don’t forget about it.”

“I won’t, I...” Jennifer stopped and looked around them. “Didn’t I put it on the hall table?”

“Maybe it fell off.” Billy checked beneath the cabinet. Peeled back the rug. “Did you take it off upstairs?”

“I always take it off down here. I always put it right there.”

“But it’s not there now,” Billy frowned.

“I can see that.” Exasperated, Jennifer looked around them. Eyes scanning for some glint of forgotten gold. Hoped maybe it was tucked away somewhere in some dusty corner. Just waiting to be found. “You don’t think maybe...no, this door was locked, right?”

“What?”

“Was the door locked when we went upstairs?”

“Yes,” Billy said uncertainly, and he scratched the back of his head. Looked entirely unconvincing as he chewed on it. “I locked it, didn’t I? When I came in.”

“But I thought _I_ locked it.”

“Maybe you did.”

“We can’t have both locked it.” Jennifer tried the door again. It opened. “It’s not locked now, so...”

“Maybe we didn’t lock it.”

“No shit,” she said. “But look, we need to be more careful. I’ll find my ring. I’m sure it’s just dropped down the side of the cabinet or something. Maybe I took it off upstairs and forgot about it.” She went with him to the door. Stood on her toes to kiss him goodbye. “Tell me everything’s going to be okay.”

“It will be.” Billy kissed her fiercely. Pressed her back into the wall. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

“And you’ll try not to get too excited when you see me in my dress tomorrow...” Jennifer draped herself around him. Blew into his ear. “My _red_ dress...”

“Red, huh?” Fingers pinched at her waist to tug her closer. “Are you trying to drive me crazy?”

“I don’t have to try, Billy.” Together, they kissed a final time. Drew it out slowly as if they were intent on making it last. A dizzy sigh escaped Jennifer when they finally pulled away again. And by that time she had decided what she should do. 

“You better go. I’ll see you at the pageant tomorrow.”

“Find your ring,” he reminded her, slipping out through the door. “I’ll check my car in case it’s there.” Billy stopped and half-turned to her. Had this sudden feeling then that maybe he shouldn’t go. “Are you gonna be alright, Jen?”

“I’ll be fine, Billy.” She tried a smile. Made it brighter when it didn’t seem very convincing the first time around. “Leo will be home soon...I’ll be fine, okay?”

Leo will be home soon...

And that didn’t leave her with a lot of time.

When she was absolutely certain that he was gone, Jennifer locked the door and went and stood at the top of the stairs. Balanced there. Observed her shadow stretched out long and tall against the papered wall. Poised and comically elegant like a dainty ballerina. Like a cheerleader at the top of her pyramid. A trapeze artist about to leap off the edge and soar through a wall of applause.

Uncertainly, Jennifer wobbled. Stopped herself.

 _One leap of faith_ , she thought, _and everything will be alright again._

One single step was all it would take. 

And it was such a very small step too.

It would hardly be anybody’s fault if she took that step and missed it. She would hardly be to blame for having a silly little accident like that.

She’d just jumped a little too far over the moon...

And sometimes, an accident could be an unhappy woman’s best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Stick around and chat if you have the time xoxo


	17. Like Blood, Like Honey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey, guys! Thank you so much for your patience waiting for this update. I took a short break last week because I felt all burned out, and I’ve spent the whole of this week working on the new chapter. 
> 
> I hope you’re all still staying safe and healthy :) Taglist is always open so let me know if you want adding or removing xoxo
> 
> TW: Nothing particularly too graphic, but this chapter does mention self-harm, a self-induced miscarriage, ‘off-screen’ sexual coercion and abuse.

As with all things in life, it really wasn’t so bad so long as you could keep the pain from your mind. That bright, red hot splintering that ebbed and throbbed in her lower side. That tore at her ribs and split them in two. Made her see stars.

 _Stars._ Jennifer was swimming in them. Iridescent from head to toe. Had gotten a sordid mouthful of them when she’d rolled and hit the ground.

A mouthful of rust and stardust. Tangy on her tongue.

Sat up gingerly to test her limbs, and wondered how much of her was broken.

“Fuck.” Tears spiked babyishly when she tried her arm. Must have landed on it because her elbow felt like it was on fire. Jennifer heaved slowly and pushed to stand. Waited for the hallway to stop spinning. “You’ve gotta be fucking...”

More pain spiked when she pushed off on her leg. A searing pain that made her hobble. Shot down into her thigh but thankfully faded some when she walked it off into the living room. Grateful at least that she wouldn’t be hiding a limp.

_Pain, she thought, was such a weird fucking thing._

“Here. This’ll take some of the edge off.” Tommy was all too eager to push her to the pills later that night. Had lapped up her complaints of a headache like sugar on his tongue. Didn’t seem to have noticed how awkwardly she’d held herself at dinner. Or how she’d flinched and grimaced when he’d put his arms around her.

Tommy Lewinsky had a habit of seeing whatever he wanted to see, but Jennifer simply took the pills and swallowed them anyway. Had seen an aspirin in there mixed up with something else but didn’t question what it was. Knew better. Knew he’d slipped her a diazepam just for the hell of it. Just because he could.

“I already think I want tomorrow to be over.” Eyes weighed slightly heavy when she tipped back onto the bed. Observed her husband undressing by the closet. “This pageant tomorrow...I thought it would never come. And now it’s here and I don’t think I can go through with it. Or at least, I don’t think I want to.”

“You’re not gonna let Susan down, are you?” Tommy frowned and tossed his tie over the dresser mirror. Kicked off his shoes. “Not when she took you to town for all those new hairpins and that makeup she insisted on buying you?”

“Of course not,” Jennifer sighed. “I just hope I feel better tomorrow, that’s all.”

“It’s only a headache,” Tommy sniffed.

Only a headache. And a sprained arm and a banged up side. And a strange feeling in her belly that made her nervous. Jennifer wondered just how long it would take for that rusty-colored blood to show, or if it would even show at all.

Something inside her told her to pray that it would.

“And I have to ask you...did you really think I wouldn’t notice?” Tommy finished undressing and crawled up the bed towards her. Made Jennifer’s skin shrink when he loomed to kiss behind her ear. Possessive hands on either side of her head. “Trying to outsmart me, huh? Thought I wouldn’t notice what you’d done?”

“What I’d-” Cheeks burned. “What are you talking about?”

“Come on, don’t play games with me.” Tommy nuzzled at her jaw. “I’m not stupid. Did you think I wasn’t going to figure it out?”

“Tommy, figure what out? What are you talking about?” She wanted to push up and shove him back onto his heels. Tried to duck beneath his arm but there was nowhere to go. “I don’t know what you’re-”

“Your ring,” he said, catching hold of her hand to thumb at the back of it. To unfurl those unwilling fingers into his own. “You’re not wearing it tonight. Were you planning on telling me that you’d lost it?”

“I haven’t ‘lost’ it,” Jennifer lied, without thinking. “It’s at the diner. Or somewhere around the house, I guess. I took it off. To clean.”

“You took it off to clean?”

“Lots of people take their jewelry off to clean,” she said defensively. “I’m just...not entirely sure where I put it.” A spark of panic had her gripping at his collar. “But you’re not mad at me?” She worried. “I mean, you’re not angry?”

“Angry?” A smirk danced at the feeling of her hands on him. Tommy shifted his weight and loomed closer for a kiss. “I’m furious. I’m absolutely boiling mad...”

Unsure if he was joking or not, Jennifer lay still and cautious. Breathed shallowly as if she was afraid to be too loud. Afraid to make any sudden movements lest she wake up the sleeping bear that lived inside of him. The bear that roared so viciously with the smallest provocation...

Hands roamed down her aching sides and she let them.

Breath warmed her ear and she didn’t speak.

“Make a man too angry and he’s not responsible for his actions.” Tommy took her chin to make her see him. Narrowed eyes flashed with heat. “Make a man too angry, Jennifer and God only knows what he’s capable of.”

“ _And their women_ ,” she whispered, observing flatly to herself that he was turned on right now. Turned on by the very idea of letting strength and rage take over. Of dominating. Of taking control. Jennifer wondered if he would try to split apart her ribs to see what was inside of her. Confirm with delight that she too had the same twisted, rotting insides. Black and dark, and soaked with dreams of strong men who could do anything they wanted to her...

“I’m not in the mood for fooling around tonight, okay?” Cautious hands clamped around his wrists when they tried to ease up her nightie. “Don’t, Tommy. It’s late.”

“It’s not late,” he tried again. “I think I’ve just heard Leo go to bed.”

“Well then, I’m tired,” she fought. “My head hurts. And the pills are just starting to kick in. You know they make me all weird and groggy...and all I wanna do is lie down and go to sleep, and see if I feel any better tomorrow.”

“And what about your ring?”

“I’ll find it, okay?” She seemed to wilt there beneath him. “I’m sorry, Tommy.”

“And how do I know this isn’t just some lame excuse like it was last time?”

“Some lame excuse to what? Get out of fucking you?” She slipped out from under him to lay on her side. “I didn’t think you’d care about that anymore.”

“And why the hell wouldn’t I care about that anymore?”

“Well, you’ve got what you wanted now, haven’t you?” Tommy didn’t say anything so she half-turned to him over her shoulder. “You knocked me up.”

“You make it sound so fucking crass,” he snapped. “You’re pregnant, Jennifer.”

‘ _Still_ pregnant,’ she thought glumly. And she’d so hoped it would be over by now.

“You were different once,” she said, rolling away again. “When we first got married, Tommy you weren’t like this. You weren’t angry with me. You were my friend. And you took care of me. And you didn’t want to hurt me all the time.”

“I still don’t want to hurt you.”

"But I’m hurting right now,” she broke. “And you haven’t even noticed.”

“It’s a headache, Jennifer.” But that wasn’t what she had meant. “I don’t know what it is you want me to say right now.”

“So don’t say anything. Let’s just sleep.”

“And if I make you?” Tommy nuzzled into her from behind and she squeezed her eyes shut. Automatic. Playing dead. “Because I could make you....as my wife...”

“I thought you said you didn’t want to hurt me.” Her eyes opened and she stared at the wall. Wondered darkly if she should let him anyway and try and lose the baby that way instead. Was almost numbly disappointed when Tommy rolled over to his side of the bed. Stretched for a cigarette to smoke nonchalantly.

“You were different once too,” he said.

“How’d you mean?” Jennifer’s eyes froze on flowered paper.

“I remember when you used to sleep under my arm at night. Tuck yourself right into me like you were a little kid or something. Bury your face into my side. Hold my hand beneath the sheets. I remember making love to you on the landing because you couldn’t wait for me to be inside you.” Tommy’s voice trailed off faintly. “Hard to believe there was a time when you actually wanted me.”

“I _do_ want you.” It wasn’t true but she said it anyway. Too full of guilt and naive sympathy to say otherwise. “Of course, I want you. _I care about you_. Of course, I care about you.” She only wished that final part wasn’t true. Curled into his side to kiss him deeply. “Tommy, I think I’m _always_ going to care about you.”

And she only wished that part wasn’t true either.

Some fucking trap she’d caught herself in.

Tommy’s trap. Sticky and thick. Like blood, like honey, like molasses. Kept her there like a little black fly caught in a pool of something sweet. And it didn’t matter how hard she fought to beat her wings, she just couldn’t seem to take off.

Couldn’t go anywhere. Just kept on hitting the ground. 

Perhaps when she’d leapt from that top stair she’d really thought she could fly.

\---

“Now what did I tell you about getting your beauty sleep last night?” Susan Hargrove frowned at Jennifer’s dark circles the next day. Swept a cherry tinted lipstick over her bottom lip. “You’re looking all peaky. Was it a rough night?”

“A rough night? You could say that.” 

Jennifer felt like hammered shit.

“Too nervous to sleep?”

“Too _busy_ to sleep. My husband always seems to find a way to keep me up.”

“Oh,” Susan said, and she blushed crimson before sighing sympathetically and reaching for her hand. “Billy told me about your little... _predicament_ ,” she started. “I know it’s not my place to get involved Jennifer, but I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, it’s just...” The curly-haired teen bowed her head and willed an ache in her belly. “I just hope that everything works out the way it’s supposed to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Behind them in the little dressing room, a gaggle of pageant girls burst into a fit of laughter. Made both women jump and turn slightly to see them, startled. Half-wishing that they could be a part of their world too. Their lives. “Jennifer? What is it?”

“It’s nothing,” she said. “It doesn’t matter.” And she sat straighter so Susan could come around to fix her hair. Dark eyes faltering to meet hers in the mirror. A mutual understanding between the two wives. Two bright stars that were slowly burning out. All of their screeching loudness muffled like a blunt fist to the ear.

“There. What do you think?” Exactly twenty-five minutes later, Susan was adding the final touches. A mouthful of hairpins and a can of Aqua Net spray beneath her arm. “I tried to get it as close to the pictures as you wanted. Do you like it?”

“ _Do I like it?_ Susan, I had no idea you were so good at this. It’s beautiful.” Star-topped pins twinkled and caught the light when Jennifer turned her head. An entire constellation nestled amongst her curls. “How on earth did you even-”

“It’s not as hard as it looks, really.” The redhead glowed proudly all the same. “A little patience is all you need. And a little bit of practise too. I’ve been wanting to open my own salon since I was a little girl...”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“Neil’s always laughed at the idea.” Jennifer ought to have known _he_ would have something to do with it. “He says I haven’t got a head for business. That I’d shut down in the first few months, and he’s probably right. It’s not like I’d be doing glamorous looks like this everyday, is it? I’d be snipping silvery locks and washing toupees just to make the ends meet.”

“But you could do hair for events though, couldn’t you?” Jennifer tried. “You could go to people’s houses and stuff. For weddings and for dances?” An idea sprang and she went with it. “You should advertise for the Winter Formal.”

“You really think I could do that?”

“Why not? You’re so talented.”

“ _Talented_? Oh, I don’t know about that...” Susan seemed tickled pink by the idea anyway. “I guess I could put a little notice in the paper...I’d have to speak to Neil about it though and I’m not so sure he’d...” the woman brightened and changed the subject. “ _Well, we’ll see_. Right now though, you need to get dressed.”

“It’ll be on the rail in the next room,” Jennifer said. “Shall I go get it?”

“No, stay there. I don’t want your curls falling out before you’re even up on stage.” Susan went off to fetch it with a silvery laugh. But Jennifer was slightly alarmed to see her hurrying back a rushed second or two later. Both hands empty and no slippery, red pageant dress in sight.

“What’s going on?” Panic stirred and Jennifer pushed up in surprise. 

“It’s your dress,” Susan puffed apologetically.

“My dress? What about it?” She stared at the woman’s hands as if it would magically appear there. Behind her, Monica Harford was looking over. “What’s-”

“I don’t want you to freak out or anything,” Susan eased. “But I can’t find your dress. It’s not on the rail, or in any of the other dressing rooms and I’m not-”

“You can’t find my dress?” 

“Try not to panic okay? Maybe it’s just been misplaced somewhere.”

“But I saw it on the rail this morning.” Jennifer’s heart was pounding like a fire-rocket. Numb, she sank back into her chair. “Oh my god, what am I gonna-”

“What’s going on?” Monica asked, pushing her way over. “Jen, you’re sweating.”

“We think somebody might have moved her dress,” Susan said.

“A prank,” the girl guessed. “It has to be, right?”

“You really think someone would do something like that?” Jennifer was looking doubtful but Susan wasn’t so sure. “Maybe this is a sign I shouldn’t be here.”

“Or it’s a sign that Donna Conaway can’t let things go,” Monica snapped.

“Donna Conaway? What? You don’t actually think _she_ did this?”

Susan hovered anxiously. “Remind me who this girl is again...”

“She’s some bitch from school who’s had it in for Jennifer ‘cause she threw a milkshake over her head.” Monica breezed through it in a way that was almost comical. “It’s a long story, but I’d bet a hundred bucks it was her that did it.”

“Donna wouldn’t do that,” Jennifer clenched. “She’s not _that_ mean.”

“I’m gagging at your naivety,” snapped her friend. ”Wake up and smell the high-school rivalry. She probably saw your name on the sign-up sheet at the diner.”

“And then what? Thought she’d steal my fucking pageant dress?”

“ _It’s Donna_. She’s probably got a bucket of pig’s blood waiting for you on stage.”

“Then I don’t wanna do this,” Jennifer insisted. Felt sick to her stomach all of a sudden, but wasn’t so sure the missing pageant dress had anything to do with it. “I’m not feeling so good anyway. Maybe I should sit this one out this year.”

“You don’t mean that. You’re just freaking out because you don’t have a dress,” Susan tried. “Don’t you have any nice dresses at home?”

“I have my wedding dress...”

“And those sleeves were a crime against fashion," Monica cut in. "Don’t you have a bridesmaid’s dress or something? Doesn’t Tommy buy you nice things?”

“Tommy buys me nice 'short' things,” Jennifer explained. “And I haven’t been a bridesmaid since I was six.” 

“Then what are we going to do?” 

“Don’t worry about it, okay? If I can promise to find you a dress, will you still enter with me?” Monica dropped to clutch her friend’s hand. Pretty and ice-queen like in a pale blue gown herself. Frosted earrings glittered. “Jennifer, you’re my best friend. We’ve wanted to do Miss Santa Carla since we were six year’s old, haven’t we? Isn’t this every teenage girl’s dream?”

Jennifer didn’t feel much like a teenage girl anymore though.

She didn’t think she felt much like anyone. 

“I don’t know, Mon...I’m not so sure I wanna do this now.”

“But you’re letting Donna Conaway win,” Monica pushed. “The mean girls never win, okay? You have to keep your head up and fight back. You have to keep going. You have to _win_ , Jennifer...You could be 1984′s Miss Santa Carla.”

“But can you get her a dress though?” Susan asked.

At such short notice, Jennifer would have assumed the answer to be No. 

“I can try,” Monica said fiercely. “I think I know where I can get one.”

\---

It was almost an hour later when Moira Beaumont found her daughter in the backstage bathrooms. Smoking in one of the cramped little cubicles, and still wearing the jeans and t-shirt she’d arrived in. Girls she’d passed in the hallway had waltzed by in their gowns of chiffon and lace. Rouged up primadonna’s all vying for the same plastic crown. Wannabe beauty queens with lipstick on their teeth. Teetering in their mother’s high heels.

“You look like shit, Jennifer.” Blunt as ever, Moira nudged the stall door open with her shoe. Took in the pale and clammy girl that stared back at her in surprise. “A little under-dressed for a beauty pageant, don’t you think?”

“We just did the swimsuit show,” she said. “They had to swap the whole thing around ‘cause somebody stole my dress.” 

“Yeah, I heard about that. Some bitch from school, right?”

“What are you doing here, mom?” Jennifer’s cheeks hollowed when she dragged on her smoke. Eyes rimmed red like she’d been crying. “I didn’t even know you were coming to this thing. I thought you said you were too busy to make it.”

“I _am_ too busy. But I thought I’d stop by to tell you I’m taking Leo home with me tonight. It’s about time he started living with his mom again, don’t you think?”

“You stopped by in the middle of my beauty pageant to tell me that?” 

“I knew you’d understand.” Curious eyes caught the rust-colored stain on the seat of her daughter’s jeans. Narrowed sympathetically. “You got your period?”

“Sort of,” she sniffed.

“Unlucky. And on the day of your pageant too.”

“ _Unlucky_ isn’t a word I’d use.” Jennifer put out her smoke under the heel of her shoe. Observed her mother cynically and wondered if the whole fucking world was against her. “What are you really doing here, huh? You’ve come to gloat that you’re taking Leo away from me? Back to your den of depravity?”

“You look like you could use a drink,” Moira quipped.

“You can take him, but he’ll come running right back to me and you know it.”

“Your darling husband disagrees with me,” she said. 

“Tommy’s here?” Jennifer’s face went paler.

“Looks to me like he just came straight from work...Is he always so brooding and serious? Someone should tell him he looks like an undertaker in that suit he wears." Moira stepped forward into the toilet stall to drop a paper Sear’s bag by her daughter's feet. “I might have also stopped by to give you this,” she said, when Jennifer’s eyes came up quizzically to see her. “Seeing as you lost yours.”

 _“What is this?”_ Peach pink chiffon spilled onto Jennifer’s lap.

“It’s a dress,” her mother answered stiffly. “You still want to win, don’t you?”

“Monica called you?” A strapless bustier tumbled out of the bag. A frothy circle skirt with heaps of tulle beneath. Matching white gloves and a dusty-colored corsage to pin at the hip. “But mom this is- this is your Miss Santa Carla dress.”

“Back from when I won it, yes.”

“But I didn’t even know you still had it. I tried so hard to find one like this.” Light fingers traced the decades old gown in admiration. “My god, it’s so beautiful....” 

Jennifer's eyes came up suspiciously. “But why are you being nice to me?”

“Do I have to have a reason? Isn’t you being my daughter reason enough?”

"You would think so, wouldn't you?" Jennifer sniffed.

“Well, let’s just say I had a dream about you last night. And let’s just say that the dream didn’t have such a happy ending,” Moira explained bluntly. “And perhaps when I woke up I was crying, and I was very glad that it was just a dream.”

“You’re being nice to me because I died in your dream?”

“I might be,” she said, and both women laughed nervously and touched their lips. “They’ll be calling your name soon, won’t they?” Moira asked. “You’ll want to be ready when they do...” The woman wavered nervously and twisted her hands, while Jennifer stood with a hopeful smile.

“Will you help me get ready?” She asked. But the look on her mother’s face told her that some things were just too good to be true.

“I’m not staying,” Moira said, backing out of it with a flustered look. “I only stopped by to give you your dress, I just...” Eyes met and said all that needed to be said. “I’m never gonna be that kind of mother, Jennifer.”

 _"Would you have stayed for Laura?"_ That wasn’t really a question and they both knew it. “I’m never gonna be good enough for you, am I?” Jennifer burst. “Even if I win this fucking thing, you’re still gonna be wishing it was Laura up there instead of me.” Palms grew clammy and she hurried out of her jeans. Stepped into the dress to throw her arms out. “This is who I am, okay? I’m never going to be Laura, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I’m never going to be the perfect daughter, or the perfect wife. I’m sorry that the idea of being a mother makes me sick, and who the hell can blame me when all I’ve ever had is you for reference? I would rather bleed out right here than be anything like you are.”

“What the hell are you going on about now?” Her mother snapped.

“I’m having a fucking miscarriage.” Jennifer pointed crudely to the stain on her jeans. Pushed a palm against the bathroom sinks to steady herself. “I threw myself down the stairs, and I don’t even care if this thing kills me. I know what it’s like not being wanted. I’m miserable enough being _That_ daughter.”

“You think that I don’t want you?”

“Kind of focusing on the wrong thing here, don’t you think?”

“But I _do_ want you. Jennifer, I need to tell you something...” A voice echoed out over the tannoy and cut the woman off. “You have to know that I-”

“Save it, alright? They’re calling for me.” Jennifer jostled her way out into the hallway. “You’ve had eighteen years to tell me whatever it is you want to say right now and you haven’t. So let’s not pretend like this sudden urge to say it has come from anything but your own self-preservation.”

“I never wanted Tommy to marry you,” her mother said. Followed her daughter hastily into the hall. “I made that very clear and you did it anyway.”

A laugh bubbled up madly from Jennifer’s painted lips. “Believe it or not, mother, but even when he’s hitting me, Tommy’s still better company than you are.”

“Tommy hits you?” Moira broke.

“ _Tommy does whatever he wants to me_.” Jennifer stilled halfway to the stage. “But that’s the thing, mother. Despite all of his hitting, and yelling and fucking...I still believe that there’s a part of Tommy that actually loves me. With you, I get nothing. You come up empty on that one every fucking time.”

Nearby, one of the girls was waiting for her. 

“Are you coming, Lewinsky?”

“Yes, I’m coming.” Jennifer went and she didn’t look back once. Ignored the eyes that so bore desperately into her back. “My mother was just leaving,” she said.

\---

Jennifer thought that if she could get through this, then she could probably get through fucking anything. 

It really wasn’t that much harder than anything else she’d ever done before. There was a lot of smiling, and preening and posing, and pirouetting amongst frothy skirts to sing out the lines she’d already rehearsed to death. 

It was all just a matter of saying what they wanted you to say. And looking how they wanted you to look. It was all just a matter of being perfect. And she was already _so_ perfect at doing that. Of playing a part. Of playing along.

Pretending that everything was fine, and that her insides were all rosy and pink.

“Before we announce _1984′s Miss Santa Carla_ ,” The cheery, white-toothed host crooned out of his microphone. “I’d like all of you ladies and gentlemen to give an appreciative hand to the lovely darlings of this town.” He pushed on through the ripple of applause that followed. “If I could crown you all girls, I would.”

“ _What a fucking creep_ ,” Monica hissed into Jennifer’s ear. Made her giggle nervously when the host looked around. “What are we like, five years old?”

“I’ve had more compliments off him today than I have in a lifetime from my father,” another girl whispered. Made the whole line snigger and look down. 

“Who do you think he slept with to get the job?” Jennifer laughed, and she caught Billy’s eye in the crowd. Earned a wink and a smile from him when he saw her looking. Dashing in a red shirt and a faded leather jacket. 

Monica saw him too and nudged at her side. Signalled with her eyes to Tommy, who was also sitting a couple of rows down from the stage. Oblivious.

Something passed over Jennifer’s head on the walking gallery.

“Is there somebody up there?”

“The lighting guy?” One of the attendants offstage shushed them but Monica pretended not to hear. “You look nice, Jen. Told you I’d find you a dress.”

“I can't even thank you. But how did you know my mom would give it to me?”

“I didn’t,” her friend smiled. “But it was that or my cousin’s prom dress. I figured you’d want to wear that, seeing as you were searching so hard for one like it.”

“Will you guys be quiet? We’re gonna get in trouble.” A girl on their left leaned in to whisper at the same time Jennifer heard that noise again. A quiet rustling. Like taffeta skirts sweeping over a flagstone floor. “They’ll disqualify us if we-”

“Stacey, you’re the only one fucking talking,” Monica snapped.

“Did you guys hear that though?”

“Hear what?”

 _“That noise_ ,” Jennifer said again. “It sounds like there’s somebody up there.”

“You’re going to get us all disqualified,” Stacey hissed.

“They’re literally announcing the winner right now. Don’t be such a fucking brown nose.” Monica glanced up too but saw nothing. Looked sorry and shook her head. Over at the front of the stage, the host was finishing up his speech. 

“So without any further ado,” he sang out cheerfully. “It gives me great pleasure to announce that this year’s Miss Santa Carla is our very own _Sweeter Than Pie, Hotter Than Coffee_...Miss Jennifer Lewinsky.” A peal of applause went out while girls on either side of her whooped and cheered. Jennifer found herself being hugged and kissed by people she did not know. Tugged forward by hands she could not place to the front of the stage where a spray of roses was promptly pushed into her unsuspecting arms. 

A camera flashed somewhere, blinding her. 

“Now before I give you your crown and let you run away,” the host chirped, seizing a generous handful of her waist as he pulled her closer. “You say that you’re a waitress at Cutler’s Diner, is that right?”

“Um yes, that’s right.” Jennifer glanced up anxiously. 

“Doesn’t sound very sure, does she ladies and gents?” Laughter erupted and the man smiled apologetically at her face. “I’m sorry. Lots of girls come up here with a little stage fright sometimes. I know I shouldn’t be so mean, but tell us, Jennifer, what’s the worst customer experience you’ve ever had working there?”

“I don’t know,” She mumbled, looking up again. “I guess that would be, um...”

Something small and shiny tumbled down from the gallery above her. 

Something hard and metallic looking, winking at her under the white-hot lights. 

“Go crazy, tell us anything,” the host pushed. 

Ignoring him, Jennifer bent down to scoop the little object up. Observed numbly that it was a wedding ring. _Her_ wedding ring. Smooth and slick against her skin, and fitting so perfectly when she slipped it on. Heard nothing but her own pulse speeding in her ears, and the murmur of a crowd somewhere faraway. Didn’t hear the man asking her if she was alright, or feel him tugging at her elbow. 

“I think we’re going to let Miss Lewinsky go,” the host was apologizing. Earned an uncomfortable titter from the audience when moments had passed and she still hadn’t said anything. “It’ll be the shock of winning, I’m sure.”

“What the hell is the matter with you?” A girl grabbed her arm at the same time Jennifer spun to leave. Staggered her way backstage and past the throng of smiling people who followed behind to congratulate her. 

Bile rose and burned in her throat. Jennifer skirted for the safety of the dressing rooms. Found one empty and shut the door, trying to inhale it’s quietness.

Impatient hands tugged that plastic tiara from her temple, tearing knots of hair out with it and breaking a comb tooth in the process. 

She couldn’t even remember the man putting the damn thing on her head.

Her wedding ring shone dully at her on her finger.

“You’re losing it.” She held herself, stripping her arms free of those stupid white gloves to toss them to the floor. “You’re losing your mind...”

Hairpins scattered when she pulled her curls free. Half-up and half-down as she attacked the back of her dress. Scrabbled for the zipper but only succeeded in getting it down halfway, rubbing furiously at her face instead to undo herself. 

Tired of being perfect. And undeserving of the crown because it was all fake. 

Crimson lipstick stained her fingertips like rose petals. 

Jennifer smacked the mirror to one side so she wouldn’t have to see. 

Her falsities. Her face. Made up like an actress or a woman of the night. Not so quaint and pretty anymore but primal now. Rabid looking where her lipstick had smeared across her cheeks. Dark eyes so wild in the glass that it scared her. 

Behind her, the door opened and Billy slipped in.

“You were so great out there,” he said, catching her face in both hands to kiss her madly. To corner her and press her back into the vanity table. “Everyone’s out there waiting for you to come and get your photo taken.”

“Did you give me my wedding ring back?”

“I couldn’t find it,” he said, stopping. “I looked in my car but it wasn’t there.” Blonde curls shifted when he cocked his head at her. “What’s the matter?”

“You’re not supposed to be in here.” Jennifer went around him to close the door. “Tommy’s here, and if he sees us together then he’ll flip. I already think somebody might know about us and if they-” She paused to run her fingers through her knotted curls. Hairsprayed to death. “We’ve been so stupid, Billy.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Somebody gave me my ring back.” Her hand came up quickly to show him. “They tossed it down from the gallery when I was onstage. It’s mine, I know it is. It’s got the year engraved on it and everything. Somebody knows about us.”

In Billy’s forehead, a vein jumped. That nervous jaw grew taut. 

“You’re sure it’s your ring?”

_“I know it is, Billy.”_

“Jesus, fuck!” The boy paced the room to knock into one of the dressing tables. Sent the contents of it skittering to the floor. “Maybe this is for the best, you know? Maybe this is a good thing.” Billy rushed her and took her face into both hands. Pushed his thumbs urgently into either side of her head. “We’ve been wanting out for a while and maybe this is the way to do it. Now that somebody-”

“I can’t just come out with it,” Jennifer pushed. “I need more time!”

“No, you don’t. You’re just overthinking things ‘cause you’re scared.” Lips pressed hot and eager into hers when Billy roped her in for a kiss. Hands found her banged up sides and she grunted against him. “I won’t let anything happen.”

“It already has,” she confessed, tugging away. “Billy, I-”

“You have to know that I’m in love with you.”

 _“You’re what?_ ” Breath hitched higher in sharp surprise. Jennifer stared at him and thought her lungs would burst. “... _You’re in love with me?”_

“Don’t act so fucking naive about it,” he teased. “What did you think? That I’ve been fucking you all these months out of boredom? Jennifer, I’m crazy about you and you know it.” Those hands went back to her face again. Heat sparked and she thought she would melt there. “I’m embarrassingly in love with you.”

 _“You are?”_ She wasn’t sure why it moved her so much to hear it. He’d said it to her before all those months ago on the boardwalk, but she hadn’t really believed him. Hadn’t believed then that he’d seen her as anything more than a fuck he couldn’t have. “I love you too,” she said slowly. “I always have. I always will.”

“Then you’ll leave him?”

“Yes,” she said. “But not tonight. I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“ _Because_ , Billy, I need to tell you something-” The door behind them opened and the couple sprang guiltily apart. Jennifer’s cheeks burning when she saw it was her husband standing there. Tommy glanced coolly between them both.

Smiled once. 

“What’s going on in here?” 

“We were just-”

“Billy was here for Susan,” Jennifer said quickly, thinking fast. “She’s left her supplies here from when she was doing my hair.” Space was speedily put between them both and Jennifer snatched for a makeup bag. Didn’t care who it belonged to, because she was shoving it into Billy’s chest. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Billy’s eyes were on the wall behind her. “This shit’s expensive, right?”

“ _Mhmm_.” It was barely an answer. Almost strangled. Jennifer’s eyes darted back and forth between the two men. “You should go. Tell Susan I said thank you.” 

“I’ll do that.” It was like they were both reading a corny script for the television. 

“I couldn’t have won it without her,” she said. 

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” Eyes flashed mischievously and Billy drifted to the dresser table. Picked up the discarded pageant crown where Jennifer, in her frenzy, had tossed it. “I think you won that thing fair and square.”

“On your looks,” Tommy added, and his eyes were narrowed. “Right, Billy?”

“Right,” Billy agreed stiffly. “Can’t fake looks like that, can you?”

“You’re both embarrassing me,” Jennifer laughed. But she couldn’t look at either of them. “Billy, you should go...Susan’ll be wondering where you are.”

The look on his face was smug when he pushed the crown back onto her head. Nestled it there amongst her chocolate curls, before swaying past them both to the door and pausing there. 

“I’ll see you around, Beauty Queen,” Billy said.

“Not if I see you first,” came Jennifer’s anxious reply, and she dragged her eyes over to Tommy and couldn’t tear them away again. Couldn’t fucking read him. 

Billy went and they were alone. 

Tommy dipped his hands into his pockets and didn’t speak. 

For what felt like the longest time, Jennifer stood there in silence. Hopping nervously from foot to foot, like a schoolgirl being called into the head office. 

After a while, Tommy took his hands out of his pockets again. 

“Come here,” he said, at last. And when she had slowly edged her way over, he scooped her into his arms and kissed her. Bent her back slightly over his shoulder so she was forced to come up and cling to him. 

“Did you tell my mom she could take Leo back?”

Almost amused, Tommy pulled away to thumb at her trembling mouth. To push the red, plush, honey-tasting imprint of her kiss against his skin. While all the while, Jennifer thought of the dangerous red between her legs and feared him. 

“We’ll talk about this later,” her husband said, and he was smiling still. “We’ve got lots to talk about. Let’s go home, darling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for being so patient! The break was much needed! If you'd seen the kind of drivel I was trying to push out in my first draft of this chapter, you'd have agreed that I needed a break too :'D Things are starting to get worse for Jennifer, but as always thing must get worse if we want them to get better so hold on, buckle up and know that it'll all be alright in the end xoxo


	18. Jennifer, Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: New update! Thanks for waiting so patiently :) I’m going to drop this chapter and bounce but stick around if you want to chat and I’ll reply later. Taglist is open as always so let me know if you want adding/removing xoxo
> 
> TW: Themes of miscarriage and suicide. Mention of blood. Domestic violence. General nastiness from Tommy and other characters.

“Just a minute, Tommy!” Back home, Jennifer tried her hardest to ignore the incessant pounding on the bathroom door. “I’ll be out in just a second, okay?"

“But you’ve been in there for almost half an hour now,” Tommy grumbled at her from behind the wood. “What’s going on? You’re starting to freak me out.”

“Everything’s fine,” she lied at him. “Honest, it is.” In reality, everything was not fine. In reality, everything was red. Too red. Scary red. Red like you saw in the cheesy movies on TV, so red that it looked fake. Red on her hands and in her underwear. And everything was red. Red was just about all she could see.

“Just...give me five minutes and I’ll be out.” The toilet flushed and cold water ran. Eyes prickled with tears when she scrubbed her hands beneath the faucet. Tried to get beneath her nails and wash it all away; Her secret. Her miscarriage. Her miscarriage that belonged to herself and herself only. Couldn’t stand the idea of him getting his hands on it too, and dirtying it with his rage and his testosterone.

Didn’t want him to see red.

“Are you alright?” Tommy was peering at her when she finally opened the door to him. Pretty still in her pageant dress and tiara. Paler though than when she’d first gone in there. “What’s going on with you? I thought we were going out.”

“I don’t feel much like celebrating tonight.” She willed herself to keep her voice steady. “I’m sorry but I’m just not feeling so hot. I think what I need is a nice hot bubble bath...and then I’m gonna try and catch an early night.”

“An early night? And what about dinner?”

“Can’t you make something yourself?” she sighed.

“That’s not what I meant.” Tommy shouldered his way into the bathroom while she bent to draw the water. “You’re acting weird. What’s going on?”

“ _Nothing_ ,” she sighed again. “Look, I’ve probably just come down with a bug or something. I’m sure I’ll be over it by tomorrow.” Actually, Jennifer wasn’t sure how long it would take to be over something like this. It wasn’t exactly something people liked to talk about. And she was sure she’d never read any books on it at school either, so it was all just a wild guessing game to her. “We can go out for dinner another time, can’t we?” She threw an apologetic glance to her husband over her shoulder. Saw his eyes narrow and those steely arms cross. “Don’t look at me like that, Tommy. This isn’t my fault, okay?”

“I didn’t say anything...Look, I’m gonna head downstairs for a while and get some work done.” Tommy returned stoically to the doorway. ”I’m sure there’ll be plenty to catch up on. I’ll bring you some aspirin if you like.”

“I’ll take anything but an aspirin right now,” she said, grimacing. “But I think there’s some Advil around here somewhere.”

“Well, I’ll get you that then.” Those eyes narrowed again to peer at her as he turned and made his way onto the stairs, faltering there. “... _Jennifer_?”

“Yes?” He looked ready to say something ominous, so she inwardly braced herself by steadying a shaking hand on the side of the bath. Then waited.

“You can take that damn crown off now that we’re home,” Tommy said coldly to her instead. “You're not five years old anymore.”

\---

It was obligatory after that to keep the crown on when she finally got herself into the tub. Alone at last, and easing her aching self beneath the water, Jennifer’s tired limbs stretched out to soak up heat. Bruises on her body tingled. Her arm came up to trace the plastic jewels, soapy from where she’d dipped her head.

Imagined herself to be a mermaid. Iridescently scaled and unafraid of the biggest and most violent waves. Didn’t know what it meant to bleed angry red.

 _Red_.

Fingers slipped between her thighs and came back streaming. Pale pink and watery now, and curling like ribbon around her wrist. Jennifer stared until it was running down her forearm, and then she tipped back to sink beneath the pearly bubbles. Dark hair spilling out behind her like she really was a siren of the sea.

_And it was then that the thought first came to her..._

It wouldn’t take much effort at all to stay there forever. To push through that aching and that burning until she couldn’t feel either anymore. Until she couldn’t feel anything. Until her insides had stopped up. Until she was nothing more than a pale wisp of a human being. Floating lifeless amongst frothy opals, like a tragic figure in a Millais painting. Arms outstretched, and hair like a gossamer curtain.

_Asleep, always._

_Eternally beautiful and drifting in her watery grave._

But that wasn’t it. That wasn’t what she wanted. To be trapped forever down there like a princess in a glass coffin. It was more effort perhaps to stay alive, but she would _be_ alive. And something told her then that this was not her way.

_This was not the way it was supposed to be._

Jennifer seized the sides of the tub to break the surface of the water. Pushed up and met a hand in her face that promptly smacked her back down again. Cracked her skull against the bottom of the tub so she cried out; Choked and spluttered and fought to come up again. Heard a shampoo bottle fall when she kicked at her assailant. Limbs flailing as if to grab onto something. Anything.

“Tommy!” Briefly, she came up enough to yell out his name. “Tommy, stop!“

That hand batted her back down again like she was nothing. Forced her cruelly under so she gagged on her stolen words. Swallowed them all in her panic while her entire rib cage ignited. How it would burn so beautifully before succumbing to black. Like a shooting star, she would fall and fade so quickly.

Fiery embers would dull and die in these waters.

And then suddenly, that pressure wasn’t there anymore. Tommy’s voice was in her ear, and his strong hands were sweeping her up and out of the tub. Tension broke and Jennifer sucked in a lungful of air. Clung to him, spluttering, before he stepped back and let her fall, allowing her to inhale. To breathe.

“ _Don’t touch me-_ ” She shrank away when Tommy drew near again. Snatched at the towel he offered and struggled to stand. “Just stay away from me!”

“What's the matter with you?” Tommy came closer anyway.

"I said, don’t touch me-” Dodging around him, she ran into the bedroom. Found her bathrobe and hurried it on. “You just tried to kill me.”

“I did what?” Jennifer whirled angrily at the smirk on his face.

“Why are you laughing at me? Why is this funny?” Tommy shadowed the doorway so she stayed there by the bed. “You were just in there with me five seconds ago and you...you tried to _kill_ me. You held me down and you-”

“Now why would I try to kill you?”

“I don’t know!” She screamed it at him. Broke to cry and howl on the bedroom rug. All that anger. All that pain. She let it all bleed out. “Because you’re angry at me. You’ve been angry at me since we left the pageant and you’re pretending-”

“Pretending about what?” He snapped.

“Pretending not to be!”

“Angry at you?” Tommy was looking at her like she was crazy. The way people looked at very young children when they were kicking up a fuss in a store or at a party. With a mixture of embarrassment and pity. “Look at the state of you...”

She was crying now. Too exhausted and frightened to care what he thought of her anymore. Hunched over in her bathrobe while she sobbed to the floor.

“Why is it that you think I’m so mad at you, Jennifer?” Her husband came over and dropped to see her there. “Come on, you can talk to me. Why would I do a thing like that? Why would you even get a thing like that into your head?”

“I don’t know,” she sniffed, and she cried harder. “Maybe because you...”

“Because I what?” He leaned in and cupped his ear. Only laughed when she didn’t answer. “Because I know you’ve been fucking that Hargrove boy behind my back?” Tommy’s features twisted into a smile when she raised her head at him. A cold chill ran down Jennifer’s spine. “Don’t look at me like that,” he crooned. “You were practically eye-fucking him in that dressing room. And I heard you...confessing your ‘love’ for one another like a couple of fucking kids.”

“But we were only-”

“ _Don’t_.” Tommy inhaled sharply to lean in. Scorched Jennifer’s cheek with his breath and made her shrink away. "Don’t insult me by trying to come up with some lame excuse, okay? I’m not an idiot, Jennifer. I heard what he said to you in there. And I know he’s had his filthy fucking hands all over you.”

“So that’s why you tried to kill me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answered coolly. “I haven’t even decided how I’m going to handle this yet.” Tommy pressed into her further, while a hand gripped her wrist to feel the speeding pulse there. “Do you like it when he spreads you open, Jennifer? When you’re on your back and you’ve got those pretty knees pushed to the sky? Does he make you feel something that I can’t make you feel when he’s fucking you and he’s telling you he loves you?”

“Stop it, Tommy.” Jennifer squirmed and tried to pull away.

“Stop what, Jennifer? We should talk about this, shouldn’t we? I just found out that my wife is a fucking whore. You’re his whore, Jennifer.”

“I think I’d rather be his whore,” she muttered quietly. “Than be your wife.” 

She hadn’t thought he’d been able to hear her, but a hand quickly batted her to the floor for that. Tommy grabbed her and twisted her around to see him. 

“Oh, you’re more than that, Jennifer,” he seethed. You’re a cunt. You’re a whiny, ungrateful, bitchy little cunt.” The man stopped talking to push aside the white toweling that covered her breasts. Knocked at her hands when she protested and tried to cover herself. “Shut up. What the hell have you done?”

“ _I fell_.” Hands tried to shield the bruises that inked along her sides. Jennifer twisted and tried to turn away. “It wasn’t my fault, okay? I fell and I- I slipped.”

“You slipped? You slipped where?”

“On the stairs. But it’s not my fault, okay? I promise you, it’s not my fault. I didn’t-” Tommy stood to tower over her and Jennifer braced herself. Brought her hands up instinctively. “Please, Tommy. You have to believe me, I didn’t-”

_“Are you bleeding?”_

Jennifer started to cry again. Softly, but she’d given him her answer.

"My God,” Tommy said, and he watched her cry there. Her damp curls spilling all tangled and knotted down her back. His hand itched to seize them so he took her and dragged her up. Heard her yelp in surprise and shrink away. “What the hell have you done? Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

“I’m sorry...”

“You’re sorry you got caught, you mean? You’re sorry I found out about you fucking that long-haired poser behind my back? You’re sorry I found about you being a whore? A whore _and_ a murderer. That’s what they’ll call you, Jennifer.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

“Kill you?” Tommy had to laugh that time, thumbing at her tear-streaked face. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you yet, sweetheart. I haven’t decided.”

Somehow, this fate seemed the worst to Jennifer. There was something tragic and morose about not knowing how this would end. She prayed that if he was going to kill her, then he would do it quickly and get it over with.

“I just want you to know then,” she said carefully. “That I don’t regret a single minute of being with him. I’m not sorry I got caught, and I’m not sorry I lost the baby either; I’m glad. I’d throw myself down those stairs again in a minute if I thought there was even a chance I could still have this baby. We’d have both been shitty, miserable parents and you know it...”

They were both already perfectly shitty, miserable people.

“We were happy once,” Tommy said anyway, and Jennifer laughed at him.

“We were playing a part, weren’t we? We were playing happy-go-lucky suburban life. And for a while, we were good at it. I actually believed that I could love you.”

“You don’t love me?”

“You don’t love _me._ I’m just a cook and a fuck to you. I make you dinner, and I wear pretty dresses so you can take them off and screw me and feel more like a man. But I was never Billy’s whore, was I? I was _yours_ the whole time.”

“And that’s where you’re wrong,” Tommy said, and there was something frightening about the way his face and tone had changed so quickly. “I _do_ love you, sweetheart. I’ve _always_ loved you. And there’s no reason why this has to end badly if you’ll ask me for my forgiveness. If you beg me....”

“Beg you?” There was blood on the rug that she tried not to look at. “Beg you?”

“We’ll move away,” her husband dreamt lucidly. “We’ll go back to Minnesota and we’ll make another baby. We’ll be happy this time. You won’t have to slave away at that diner or look after your brother; It’ll be just us. You and me. You and me, and the baby that’s going to make us so, so happy...”

Tommy grabbed her and twisted her under him, and Jennifer had the vaguest feeling at the back of her mind that she was being watched. Tried to turn her head and see but he was holding her fast. And his mouth was on her. And his hands were on her too. And she hated him. And she realized that she had _always_ hated him. From the very moment he had forced her to her knees in that car and made her do what she had done to him. When he had shoved her and knocked her, and bullied her, and mocked her. And polluted her pretty pink insides with his vinegar-stinking bleach. And made her rot from the inside out...

And she knew he was never going to make her feel so disgusting ever again.

_“Get the hell off me, Tommy!”_

A hand came up to block the next kiss that followed, and fingers curled into talons to tear at flesh. Nails swiped at Tommy’s face and she caught his eye. Heard him hiss and swear before he took her head to slam it against the floor.

Jennifer’s whole world rocked. She saw a thousand stars behind her eyes.

“You bitch!” Tommy spat, and there was blood on his face. “Damn it, Jennifer, I love you. I love you so much that nothing else can matter to me. Can’t you see that? Don’t you understand? Nothing matters. Not even your indifference-”

“Stop quoting the fucking Fountainhead,” she snapped.

“You’re not listening to me.” Delirious fingers massaged her brow. “I just said that I forgive you. I love you and I forgive you. And all you have to do is make things right with me; Beg. Plead. Show me that you’re sorry. We can make things right, Jennifer. We can make everything go back to the way it used to be.”

“But you’re not listening to me,” she answered, and she felt a cool calmness wash over her as if she had no apprehension of what he might do to her once she had finished speaking. “I don’t _want_ everything to go back to the way things were...I don’t wanna see you. I don’t wanna touch you. I don’t even wanna know you. And I certainly don’t wanna carry your child for you...”

It was at that very moment that everything changed.

His eyes. His face. His demeanor.

There were hands around Jennifer’s throat and she couldn’t unfurl them. Couldn’t tear those iron fingers from her skin. As the world around her grew dimmer and dimmer, she had the funniest idea that the hands that brutalized her now were not the same hands that had smacked her down in the bathroom. That they, those hands, possessed a different kind of strength altogether...

 _“Why are you laughing?”_ The bright, silvery sound that ricocheted from her lungs had startled him. The same with her manic, creased up face. Her posthumous delight both disgusted and scared him. “Stop laughing! Why are you laughing?”

A bone-splitting thud sent Tommy sprawling to one side. Jennifer was only vaguely aware of footsteps sprinting to the bedroom door. Tommy cursed and touched the back of his head where her savior had hit him hard, and his fingers came back wet and red with blood. Glistening because it was so hot and fresh.

“ _Laura_.” Downstairs, the front door slammed and Jennifer rolled painfully onto her side. Tried to catch her husband’s arm but he shrugged her away while he groaned painfully into the carpet. “Tommy, that was Laura...I _saw_ her. She was right there and she...” Nausea hit and she was groaning too. “ _You_ saw her.”

This time it was Tommy’s turn to laugh, and it startled her as much as it had startled him. “You weren’t supposed to find out about any of this,” he said.

“Find out about what?” She pushed. “Tommy, tell me-”

“You weren’t ever supposed to know.”

“About my sister?” Gingerly, she crawled over to him on the rug. Saw the blood there but didn’t know if it was hers or his. “Tommy, please...”

“It was a secret,” he said. “A 17,000 dollar secret, and right up until now it was one. Right up until you. _You’re_ the secret, Jennifer. You’re part of the big reveal.”

“What the hell does any of this have to do with Laura?”

“Forget Laura,” Tommy groaned, springing up suddenly to snap his fingers in her face. “Laura’s dead, okay? Laura’s dust. And that girl back there wasn’t Laura.”

 _“What the fuck?”_ Jennifer slapped him. As hard as she possibly could. Hurt her wrist with the force of hitting him. “Then who the hell was that, Tommy?”

“It was you,” he said, and he was laughing at her again. It scared her. But not enough that she wanted to leave. “Don’t you get it yet, Jennifer? It was you.”

“I don’t think I understand,” she struggled.

“No, you wouldn’t, but here’s the thing...” Bloody fingers swept tenderly across her cheek. Gentle now and half-exasperated. Tommy looked at her for the first time like he actually felt sorry for her. “You are them. And they are you. And you are all together. And I’m sorry, Jennifer,” he said, “Because everything’s going to be different after this. And nothing is ever going to go back to the way it was.”

\---

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, you know.” Downstairs on the couch, Tommy pressed gentle fingers into the bruises around Jennifer’s throat. Black marks like graphite smudges. Lasting evidence of the man’s violence. “I just got so angry. I didn’t know what to do with you. And when you make a man as angry and as hurt as you made me...can you really blame me?”

“Yes, actually.” Jennifer’s eyes were cold and unforgiving on the opposite wall. “Yes, I _can_ blame you.”

“You broke my heart,” he said. “You hurt me more than I hurt you. These bruises won’t be here in ten years' time, but my heart will still be broken.”

“Is Laura really dead?” She asked, and a somber pause fell over the Lewinsky’s sitting room. Jennifer just sat and stared.

“Yes,” Tommy answered stiffly. at long last. “She’s really dead.”

“Did you kill her?”

“Me? No. No, I didn’t kill her.”

“Did somebody else kill her?” 

The doorbell rang before he could answer, and Tommy got up gratefully to get it, while Jennifer touched her mouth with trembling fingers. Tasted salted metal.

When Fox Lewinsky came into the sitting room, Jennifer started to cry again.

“What on earth have you done to her?”

“Nothing she didn’t deserve,” Tommy sniffed.

“Katharine won’t be very pleased about this.”

“Katharine doesn’t have to know.”

“Of course she does,” Fox said. “She’s already on her way.”

“You called her?” Tommy inhaled sharply to pinch the bridge of his nose. Then glanced across the room at Jennifer. “I haven’t told her anything yet. I don’t know how to. It isn’t exactly the kind of thing you can just burst out straight away.”

“I do find it funny,” Fox mused calmly. “That you still seem to be so delicate with her feelings.”

“You mean despite the fact that she slept with another man and forced a miscarriage?” Tommy’s eyes rolled and he crossed over to his wife’s side. “I’m not done punishing her. She knows that. I just haven’t decided how I’ll do it yet.”

“Why don’t you start by telling her who she is?”

“Who am I?” Jennifer piped up, daring herself to ask it.

“You’re not so much a ‘who’ than an ‘it.” Fox sat down beside her too to see her tearful face. “You’re a product of science, Jennifer. A product of the Military Base. A failed product, but a product all the same. You’re one of the Eve’s.”

“An ‘Eve’?” She echoed dumbly. “What’s an ‘Eve’?”

“A clone,” Tommy said, and he bristled when Jennifer laughed aloud, turning to him in wild disbelief.

“A clone? Really? I think you’ve both seen one too many movies.”

“You think this is funny, Jennifer?”

“He’s right,” Fox insisted, calmer. “You’re a genetically made copy of another living organism; Not a twin. Not a sibling. You’re a clone. And your name is Eve.”

“My name is _Jennifer_.” Frustration bubbled up at the man’s words, along with that sickly hollow feeling that she always felt when nothing made sense and there was nothing she could do about. “I don’t understand. I don’t...”

“You don’t what, dear?”

“I don’t believe you,” she said.

“Believe what you like. Doesn’t make it any less true, you know.” Tommy got up and went over to the TV, stooping to fit a tape in and switch it on. The screen flickered and jumped to life. “You were made in a lab, Jennifer. Created and molded in the palm of our scientist’s hands to fight against the Reds. You just take a good look at this and tell me now if you still don’t believe me.”

“What is that?” Jennifer asked.

“It’s one of your home movies. Your brother asked me to take a look at it one night. Said there was something ‘off’ about it. Said he’d asked you to take a look at it too but you couldn’t put your finger on what it was.”

Yes. She remembered. It had been the night of the motel, and in her rush to leave she’d barely glanced at the tape of that sunny Fourth of July barbecue. Hadn’t wanted to. Hadn’t liked the uneasy feeling it gave her when her brother had made her stop to look at those grainy, flickering pictures of her mother.

“It’s just a videotape,” she offered up lamely. “There isn’t anything ‘off’ about it, Tommy. It’s just a tape.”

“It’s Independence Day,” he said. “July Fourth, 1966.”

“Yes... _and_?”

“Couple of weeks before you were born isn’t it?”

It was Jennifer’s turn to bristle and turn her face away. She heard a soft scoff from her husband when she didn’t speak.

“Well?” He pushed. “What’s wrong with it?”

“The date,” she said, at last. “It’s not possible. It can’t have been taken on that day. Or that year at least.”

“And why not?” Tommy came closer with a smile.

“Because...because it’s just not possible, okay?”

“What’s not possible?”

“ _Nothing_. I mean, my mother...”

“What is it?” He pressed. “What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s not...” Eyes quickly blinked hot tears away. The TV screen flickered red, white, and blue. “She’s not...I mean, it isn’t possible, but she’s not...”

“She’s not _what_ , Jennifer?”

“She’s not pregnant,” she uttered and a single laugh tore free from her chest and was muffled there by her waiting hand. “My mother. She isn’t pregnant.”

There it was now right in front of her. The cold, bare, and undeniable truth. 

It was so very obvious once you had seen it too because her mother’s stomach was flat as a board beneath her floral dress. The wineglass by her elbow was rimmed red with her lipstick, but Jennifer found that the longer she stared, the more she felt a strange calmness washing over her. An odd feeling of acceptance deep down in her own reluctant belly.

“Well?” Fox asked, a little too brightly in her ear. “How do you feel?”

“How do I feel?” The girl’s gaze was distant and glassy when she finally tore her eyes from the TV. “I don’t seem able to feel anything. What’s wrong with me? Shouldn’t I break down or something?”

Shouldn’t she at least want to scream and wail and cry? Shouldn’t she at least be hurting somehow?

“That’s just a delayed reaction, that’s all.” Fox’s fingers were in her hair and on her mouth. Gentle. Petting her. “It’s the shock, Jennifer. In a couple of days, you’ll have the most wonderful breakdown.”

“I don’t feel very well.” Her skin crawled at his touch so she squirmed away from him. Ended up scooting over onto Tommy’s side of the couch. “have to go to the bathroom. I don’t feel very well, I want to go.”

Tommy had been staring at the floor, but when she said it he looked up. 

“No,” he said bluntly. “You’re not going anywhere. Stay where you are.”

“Why not? Are you scared I’ll run away and leave you?”

“Don’t push it, Jennifer. I said, sit back down.”

“But I’m _bleeding_.” Her cheeks burned with embarrassment but she said it anyway. Saw his eyes drop and falter. “And it hurts, Tommy.”

“That’s your fault,” he sniffed, and he looked quickly away again but seemed to waver there all the same when she touched his arm. “All right then, five minutes. But I’m timing you. So don’t make me come in there for you because I will.”

Jennifer certainly didn’t need to be told twice. She was already moving for the hallway, but Tommy was following too to seize her and snatch her arm.

“Ow,” she gasped at him. “What are you-“

“I need you to bring me some pills down,” he said gravely. “Aspirin. Advil. Anything. It’s for my head.”

“It still hurts?”

“Like a bitch.” He let go of her. “Five minutes, Jen.”

“Don’t make me come up for you,” Fox warned her.

Jennifer didn’t doubt for a minute that the men would be true to their word should she be one second slower than their schedule, so she hurried in the bathroom and fetched the pills down to her husband, who took them with water and cautiously felt at the back of his head with a grimace.

“There’s one thing I don’t understand,” Jennifer reluctantly took a seat when he pointed. “The girl who attacked us both tonight....and me and Laura...if we were all made in that Lab, then why aren’t we in it now?”

“The girl that attacked you both tonight is Eve Four,” Fox explained. “One of our very firsts, actually. She’s a little wily. A little difficult to control, and like the rest of you is just a doll with broken parts. But she’s smart. And arguably a genius. But it also didn’t take us very long to realize that there was something wrong.”

“Something wrong with _her_?” Frowned Jennifer. “Why, what did she do?”

“She killed her guard with a pair of scissors,” Tommy cut in bluntly, smirking at the look of shock on her face. “She was five and a half years old and she bludgeoned him to death, and when she’d finished she just went right back to cutting up her magazine and making her paper dolls. Started going by another name that day too, which was probably the worst thing she could have done.”

“Worse than killing a man?”

“Oh _much_ worse,” Fox agreed. “She started calling herself Ivy. She’d put the two symbols ‘I’ and ‘V’ together from the number she’d seen on her cell. Absolutely refused to answer to anything else but that. It was then that we knew we had made a mistake somewhere. You see, soldiers aren’t supposed to think for themselves. Once they start doing that, they’re practically useless.”

"You might even say ‘ _broken_.” Jennifer’s laugh was flat. “You two astound me. You went out of your way to create living, breathing human beings, and you were shocked that they actually used the intelligence _you_ gave them to think for themselves.” She caught Tommy staring and narrowed her eyes at him. “I take it she escaped,” she said. “The night of the beach concert, a man stopped me on the boardwalk thinking I was her. I guess I should have known, shouldn’t I?”

“I wouldn’t beat myself up about it,” her husband dug. “The Eve’s didn’t all inherit the same characteristics when they were born. The same way one biological twin won’t have the same birthmark as her sister, _you_ didn’t get the smart gene.”

“I know that the numbers my brother saw in your office are for the Eve’s,” Jennifer fired back. “I know that Katharine Grady is the head scientist there, and if my guess is right then it’s her DNA that was used to create us. I know that you and your father have been trying to make think I was crazy for seeing Laura around the house, when it was one of your little psycho escapees the whole time. I know that Fox used to work at the base before you did and that he was fired a year _after_ my sister went missing. A year _after_ you took her back.”

Handsomely, the corner of Tommy’s mouth twitched into an almost smile.

He didn’t say anything.

“After Ivy’s little fiasco,” Fox went on to explain anyway. “It didn’t take very long for the rest of the Eve’s to follow suit and start...’ rebelling’ in their own little ways. While we could handle these little fires perfectly well, we realized that we could only keep trying and perfecting. So a couple of years later, another set of Eve’s were created. On a hot July in 1966. We called them Eve 7 and Eve 8.”

“That’s you and Laura,” Tommy spoke up. “Laura, seven. Jennifer, eight.”

“And around that time, of course, the base came under fire from the FBI,” Fox went on. “It became known to them what we were doing, and there were some modern, hippie-brained suits working there who didn’t believe that our work was one-hundred percent ethical.” He coolly chose to ignore the scornful look his daughter-in-law shot him. “There are some people, my dear Jennifer, who do not believe that you have the right to qualify as a ‘real’ person. While you’re made of sinew and muscle the same as the rest of us, the bottom line is that your life and your body has no more monetary value than that of a little white Lab rat.”

“Fuck you,” was all she said to that.

“Well, that’s what we argued, Jennifer; That you and the rest of the ‘Eve’s’ were nothing more than lab rats, and that what we were doing was for the greater good. For the good of America and the good of the world.”

“And I take it they didn’t see it that way,” she said. “Gee, I wonder why...”

“They shut us down,” Fox agreed. “And they made us promise that the Eve’s would be destroyed. It sent the entire operation underground and we were paranoid. So I came up with the idea of sending you and Laura into hiding.”

“Just me and Laura?” She shifted a little on the couch.

“You were babies,” he said. “And you were our newest batch. You had the most value to us so we decided to keep the older ones behind for research, and put you in the care of a family until the FBI stopped sniffing around. As luck would have it, I happened to have an old high school friend who was just dying for a baby of her own. Your mother jumped at the chance of taking you both on.”

“Did she know?” Jennifer bore her gaze into the sitting room rug, counting the small rosebuds that bloomed there. “Did she know who we were? Did she care?”

“Your mother didn’t question anything; Not how easily it was for me to forge the birth certificates. Not how out of the blue it was that I suddenly had two young babies for her to look after and claim as her own. She was a desperate woman. And desperate women will do _anything_ ,” Fox said. “You of all people know that. And your mother wanted you. She wanted you more than anything in this world.”

“She wanted me?” What a wild and foreign concept that seemed to her. “And what about Leo, is he...”

“Leo is your mother’s biological child,” he assured her quickly.

“And does my mother know now?” She asked. “Does she know where Laura is? Does she know that she’s...” Jennifer couldn’t quite bring herself to say that dreadful word. “Does my mother know that my sister isn’t coming back?”

Her father-in-law eased himself further along the couch towards her. An arm slipping companionably behind her shoulders to draw her into him. Fox’s hand went to her knee, floating there momentarily above it as if he wasn’t sure. Then he boldly smoothed the fabric there until Jennifer jerked her knee away.

“You took Laura on the beach that day, didn’t you?” She said. “You walked away with her and you took her back to that place. And you picked apart her brain and her body, and you tried to find out what was wrong with her. Why she was all messy and ‘broken’ just like all the others. But you can’t make people and expect them to behave like robots. You can’t make people all-obeying.”

“Oh, making them obey is easy enough.” Fingers swept along the length of her arm and Jennifer ignored it. “But the psychological implications mess them up far too much to be of any use to us. You see, Laura still remembered home. She still remembered her mother and her baby brother. She still remembered _you_.”

“So once again you didn’t take the fact that you were dealing with actual human beings into consideration.” Jennifer started brass and bold but broke at a sudden thought. “You ruined my mother’s life, you know. You should have taken me instead of her. All she’s done these past fifteen years is cry for Laura.”

“And whether you believe it or not, she’d have cried for you too.” He was right only in that very one respect. Jennifer didn’t quite believe that part. 

“Why did you only take one of us that day?”

“Katharine wanted me to take both of you back,” Fox admitted. “But when the time came, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. To tear _both_ of you away from her...My own empathy was something I hadn’t accounted for. I couldn’t do that to your mother. Not after all that time. She was my friend and I...I _am_ human, you know.”

“You could have fooled me,” she seethed at him.

“As could you, my dear.” Thumbs pushed at the flushed, damp roses that were Jennifer’s cheeks. Fox leaned in with a smile that was all syrupy. “Look at you,” he tutted. “Getting yourself all worked up and upset over this. I know it must be a terrible shock for you, Jennifer. But that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”

“We’ve tried so hard to keep this from you,” Tommy joined in. “You were never supposed to know about this. We’ve tried so hard to protect you. Not just for your sake, but for your mother’s sake too. And you’re lucky, Jennifer. Far luckier than most. You’ve had a chance at a normal life.”

“A normal life?” Jennifer rubbed her eyes and looked up. “You broke my family.”

“And I would have given you a new one in a heartbeat. I _made_ you my family.”

“I didn’t want your family!” She broke and pushed her face into her hands. Tore at her hair and her clothes. “I was happy with the one I already had. I was happy with the life I had too! And you came in and you tried to fix everything, but I’m never gonna get my Laura back. And I’m never gonna get my parents back either because they’re not my parents anymore, are they?”

“I would have given you-”

“You never gave me anything.” She pushed on through the snot and the tears to rage at him. “The only person who ever gave anything was _me_ ,” she said, and she realized that she had given him everything. She had given him so much. “I gave you all of myself...And I don’t even know who that was anymore.”

Perhaps Jennifer Lewinsky had drowned in that bathtub all those hours ago...

Perhaps she had never surfaced and was floating there still.

Certainly, little Jennifer Beaumont had never been alive, to begin with.


	19. Life Is But A Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So many apologies for taking so long to post this update! Life has been hectic but the next update won’t take as long, I promise! Nice long chapter to make it up to you- a dark one so make sure to read the TW’s. Following chapters will be lighter as we move past and overcome xoxo
> 
> TW: Blood/Miscarriage. Mention of sexual abuse. Physical abuse. Suicide. Forced drug use. Threat of violence/murder.

Jennifer Lewinsky knew that she was going to die. Although it had never occurred to her until then what that feeling would be like; Coming to terms with the idea of your body being empty. Empty of thoughts and empty of feelings. Empty of that wick of consciousness that she called ‘Jennifer’.

She knew it would all come to an end when she inevitably bled out on that sitting room rug. Face-up and smelling strangely like wet pennies. Her dark hair splayed out amongst the woven roses like a lady in an old painting. A haunting image, but oddly soothing too. She only hoped that when the time came, it wouldn’t hurt. The pain would stop and she would be at peace. And Jennifer Lewinsky would be Jennifer Beaumont again.

 _‘‘Til death do us part’,_ she remembered saying. One long summer ago.

“What are you muttering to yourself about?” Tommy wandered in from his study where he had been for the past half hour, stepping around her and crossing to the window where a blueish twilight had crept in. Stolen away the remaining warmth from that late afternoon and left it cold. “I’m trying to concentrate,” he said like she was bothering him still. “I need you to be quiet, or I can’t think.”

“I’m dying,” Jennifer said, so matter-of-factly that Tommy’s mouth twitched in amusement. “I promise to be very good and quiet for you then."

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jennifer," Tommy laughed at her. "But you’re not going to die.”

“But I will, Tommy. There's so much of it.” He turned to see her with her hand on her stomach. Pale and frightened. “There's so much blood."

“The bleeding is normal,” her husband said. But he didn't sound convincing. Huffed in exasperation and turned from her again. “What did you think was going to happen when you threw yourself down those stairs? Thought you’d just bleed for a couple of hours and it’d be over?”

“I don’t know what I thought," Jennifer said. "I don’t think I was thinking anything. I was scared!”

“ _Scared_?” Tommy whirled on her. Seemingly hurt by that. “We were going to have a baby.”

"A baby that I _never_ wanted," she fought back. "That I _never_ asked for-”

“ _Yes_...well if you spread your legs for two men at the same time, Jennifer, the chances of you getting knocked up get increasingly higher,” Tommy scoffed at her. Looked disgusted for a moment because his lip curled. “I keep thinking about him on top of you,” he said. “On top of you, _inside_ of you...it makes me sick just to think of it. To think that he had his hands on you...when you’re mine-”

“I tried so hard not to have a baby,” Jennifer thought lucidly aloud. Didn’t seem to have heard him. “I used to pray so hard at night that it wouldn’t happen. I used to screw my eyes up and pray so, so hard...I even went to the doctor for a pill.”

“-And just thinking about you making all those noises for him. Noises you’re only supposed to make for me.”

“I can’t understand why it didn’t work,” Jennifer struggled on.

Tommy didn’t seem to have heard her either.

“You know, I used to think of you as so innocent,” he said. “So young, so daisy fresh. So stupidly naïve. I think that was what I liked about you so much. Because you’d have done anything for me when we were first married. But you’ve changed and you've grown so much older since then. And that _look_...that funny, lost look of yours is gone forever. I think I killed that look when I told you about Laura, didn’t I?”

Tommy wasn’t expecting an answer, and Jennifer didn’t give him one. Just sat there on the floor and stared at the shiny toes of his Italian leather shoes. Stared back at her wild-eyed reflection. A sad and frightened look on her lonely expression. Then Fox entered the room with a clattering bottle of pills, and Jennifer paled and looked up in alarm.

_“What are they for?”_

“They’re for you.” He crouched with those shiny red pills in the cup of his palm. Sweet and round like child’s candy. “They’re for you, Jennifer," he soothed her. "They're going to make you feel better.”

“Make me feel better?”

“They might make you a little sleepy at first, but they should take some of that pesky stomach pain away.” Fingers pushed into her mouth before she could register what was happening, and Jennifer choked furiously at the cruel trick. Spluttered. Then retched and spat out the little pill so that it bounced and rolled beneath the couch. Flinched from the hand that rose to strike her, although she never felt its sting.

“I don’t think that's necessary just yet,” Tommy warned, stepping in. “She’s been well behaved for me so far. She hasn’t tried anything.”

“You were all for subduing her an hour ago.” Fox glowered and unclenched the hammy pink fist that his son had caught. Wiped his hands on the seat of his pants. “Why the sudden change of heart? Don't tell me you're going soft on her again."

“Of course not. Don’t be stupid.” And yet this was typical Tommy all over. Biting one minute and half-doting the next. A man with many faces who could change them at will. Perhaps there were multiple Tommy’s out there as well. A million of them that both loved her and hated her. Delightfully split her in two and then sorrowfully sought to put her together again.

“I just think she should be awake when Katharine gets here,” Tommy justified. “She’ll want to meet her. It’s important.”

“You’re a lucky girl then,” Fox crooned sarcastically, standing to chuck Jennifer beneath the chin. “You’re in for a treat, my girl. Not everybody gets to meet Katharine.”

“What is she like?” She asked him fearfully, and he laughed at her.

“She’s like you.” It was the flattest answer he could have given and she suspected it was on purpose. A deliberate attempt to cause her more anxiety than she already felt. “You’ll see when she gets here. Just try not to worry your pretty little head over it.”

“But do you think she wants to hurt me?”

“Only if you don’t behave yourself.”

“Katharine is fair,” Tommy added helpfully. “If you’re good for her then she’ll have no reason to, will she?”

“But she hurt the others,” Jennifer said.

“Then they must have done something to deserve it, right?” Her husband smiled ruefully and offered her his hand, and after a moment’s hesitation, Jennifer took it. Allowed him to pull her to her unsteady feet and towards the direction of the study. Curious eyes sweeping up the bookshelf and the vast piles of paperwork. The glossy, black typewriter sitting on the desk.

“I thought I wasn’t allowed in here,” Jennifer thought to point out.

“You're not usually, but I want to show you something.” Tommy bent to pull papers from the lower desk drawer.

“More secrets, darling?” 

“I think we’re past the point of keeping secrets from one another.” He scoffed at her with his back turned. “I think we’ve been more honest with each other tonight than on any other night of our marriage.” Tommy straightened to thrust a pile of black and white photographs into her chest. “Which is why I want you to take a look at these for me.”

Jennifer took the chair to balance them on her knee.

“What are they?”

“Why don’t you take a look and then I won’t have to tell you?”

“They’re photos,” she said, ignoring the urge to snap and bite back at him. Saw several young, dark-haired women in white dresses and patent shoes. Some with bows in their hair and some without. _All_ with the same faces. _Her_ face. “My God, Tommy, are these-”

“The girl on the far right with her hair down,” her husband crossed behind her to peer over her shoulder. “That’s your sister. That’s Laura. And here,” he pointed, tapping the page. “That’s Eve 9. One of our youngest."

“Is Ivy in this picture?” Jennifer scanned the page curiously and then reached for the next one. Saw several of them clustered together and posing on some stony steps. Recognized it as the outside of the military base. “ _You’re_ in this picture.” She looked up in surprise.

“That was taken a couple of years ago,” Tommy loomed closer to tap the face of the woman standing next to him. In the photograph, Tommy was standing in the center of the steps. Dressed smartly in his signature black suit and tie, looking like an undertaker. He was squinting slightly as if the sun was in his eyes, and a young woman was standing beside him with her arm tucked through his. “That’s her there. Eve 4. That’s Ivy.” 

"She looks so young.” Jennifer wasn’t sure what she had been expecting, but this Ivy was no dolled up supervillain. “She looks...just like me.”

“Do you think so?” Tommy huffed at that and crossed over to the desk for a seat. “I always thought Ivy was much prettier than you.”

“Meaning what exactly? Are you trying to make me jealous, Tommy?”

Jennifer wasn’t sure why it had never occurred to her until then, but she saw it much clearer when she looked back at the photograph. The couple’s closeness. The two arms linked together on the steps while they squinted in the sunshine. Had she not already known what the picture was, it could have easily been mistaken for a wedding photograph. Reminded her sourly of her own portrait on the steps of the town courthouse last summer. That white dress and the smart, black suit. Just a lovely couple wanting to commemorate the occasion...

Jennifer covered her mouth and looked up again. “Were you sleeping with her?”

“Does it hurt?” Tommy asked smugly, pleased that the penny had dropped. “Thinking of me with somebody else.”

“ _Fuck who you like._ ” Jennifer’s reply was scathing. “You used her though.”

“I didn’t ‘use’ her,” he laughed. “Ivy is a little witch. ‘ _She_ ’ uses and ‘ _she_ ’ manipulates. And she does it all in the name of improving herself.”

“And how exactly does a girl who’s never known the outside world know anything about sex? How does that even start? How does a girl who’s been locked up all her life manage to manipulate anyone?" Jennifer turned her chin up to show the fury burning there in her eyes. "You took advantage of her, Tommy. You fucked her because you wanted her. Because you have a penchant for plucking out the vulnerable and making them all sit at your feet. That’s what you did to me. That’s what you did to her too, isn’t it? Showed her some kindness. Some affection. And when she’d probably never known any-”

“You don’t know the first thing about her,” Tommy snapped, knocking aside the hand that was still at her mouth. “Ivy wasn’t the victim in all of this, _I_ was. She was perfectly happy with our little arrangement when she was getting what she wanted. Extra pillows. A new dress. Movies. Books. As soon as she realized I wasn’t going to relax the security for her, she dropped me. Moved onto one of the other men instead and that’s how she escaped.”

“So she used you. Just like you used her.”

“I _loved_ her,” he confessed, and Jennifer froze to hear it. Didn't quite believe him until he said: "I would have married her too, you know. Had babies with her. Bought the big house with her. Lived a long happy life with her. But she was just using me. I was a stepping stone in her plans to get the hell out of that Lab. And that life that I wanted with her...I couldn’t have it.”

“So you thought you’d have it with me instead,” she said.

Tommy blinked at her slowly. Guiltless.

“The opportunity came up. I took it.”

“You married me because I looked like her?”

“You looked like her. You moved like her. You even _moaned_ like her.” The corner of Tommy’s mouth twitched insolently and he cocked his head. Dropped by her chair. Mean again. “Just admit that it hurts,” he goaded, pushing her. “Just admit that it hurts even a little bit to think of me fucking her.”

“Is that what you want me to say?” Jennifer asked flatly. “I mean, is that the point of this? Is that why you dragged me in here just so you could make me jealous? Was I supposed to fall in love with you, or back into bed with you or what?”

“I just want you to say what you feel.” Tommy’s hand was on her knee. Gripping her all too tightly. “Just admit to me that you care. That you feel something.”

“But I don’t.” Not for him. Not for this excuse of a man. “I don’t feel anything.”

“So, in other words...you don’t care who I fuck?”

“Fuck who you like,” Jennifer said it again because she really did not care anymore. “Fuck who you like, Tommy. I did.”

In a split second, Tommy’s face was up against hers. Strong hands smacked her cruelly back into the chair. “And where is he now, huh?” He demanded, spitting. “Where’s your Billy-fucking-Hargrove when you need him? Not here looking after you, is he? No, he only comes trotting along when you tip onto your back for him-” That time he grabbed her jaw and squeezed it. Made her look at him. But Jennifer wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cower.

“He doesn’t love you,” Tommy went on meanly. “If he loved you, he would be here but he isn’t. Look at me, Jennifer-” he actually softened and tried to kiss her but she whipped her head away, so Tommy’s mouth slumped against her cheek instead. “I’m the only one you can depend on. You know that, don’t you? I’m the only man right now standing between you and my father. And I don’t think there’d be much of you left if I let him have his way with you.” Those eyes flickered down to her knee and back again. “Maybe you remind him of Ivy too.”

“You’re _both_ disgusting.” Jennifer smacked his wandering hand away.

“And you need a doctor,” Tommy pointed out. “And I can get you one. But only if you behave yourself. Do we have an understanding, Jennifer?” It occurred to her then that she could never win. Didn’t matter whether she was fighting him or fawning over him; Tommy was never going to see her as anything but a prize to be won. Something to be locked up and played with whenever he fancied. To be passed around and shared with anyone else who might want to play with her too. She wasn’t even ‘Jennifer’ in his eyes. She was a replacement dolly for another girl he’d trodden on and abused. Another shiny little toy.

She thought back miserably to all the nights she’d let him bend her and twist her and consume her. Split her in two just because he treated her so nicely about it afterward. Kissed her hard on the mouth like she meant something to him.

Held her there under his arm while he slept.

She could see the possessiveness of it all so clearly now.

 _Mine, mine, mine,_ he seemed to say.

Tommy came closer to see her face but Jennifer still didn’t answer him.

“I’ll save you,” he told her seriously. “And I’ll always save you. But only if you-”

“Rot in hell.” Jennifer hawked and spat into his eye; And Tommy, for what must have been the first time ever, seemed speechless. Recovered, and then carefully wiped his face with the back of his sleeve to loom quietly over her.

He raised his hand high and she shrank from him.

“You’re not worth the fucking effort,” he said, letting his arm drop again. “You’re not worth the fucking powder it would take to blow you up-” Tommy hissed sharply and came close to see her. His breath scorched her cheek. “I hope it hurts you,” he seethed. “The bleeding. I hope it hurts like hell and it's all you can think about. I hope you’re hurting inside as much as you’ve hurt me.”

 _“Tommy.”_ His father came and shadowed the doorway so he looked up.

“Katharine’s here,” Fox said, looking past his son to Jennifer still sitting rigid in the chair. “Lucky you. A family reunion. Mother and daughter. How about it?”

"Sounds thrilling." Jennifer attempted to regain her composure. Got up and ignored the bright red on the seat. “Shall we?”

“You better not be thinking of trying anything.” Tommy caught her arm on the way into the sitting room, but Jennifer shrugged him off. Cold. “I mean it.”

“I think that vein in your forehead is about to pop,” she said, with the recklessness of someone who no longer cared what the outcome would be. “Careful, darling. I wouldn’t want you to have a stroke.”

“Oh, I do so hate it when couples fight,” a voice mused sweetly from the couch, and Jennifer twisted curiously to see its owner.

Katharine. Katharine Grady.

“It’s been a very long time Eve,” the woman smiled when their eyes met across the room. Dark brown eyes that mirrored each other. “You were just a little baby the last time we met. And if it isn’t too vain of me to say so, you’ve grown very beautiful. My congratulations on winning Miss Santa Carla this afternoon.”

Had Jennifer really only been crowned Miss Santa Carla that afternoon?

Had it really only been a few hours since then?

Somehow it all seemed to her lifetimes ago now.

“I won’t answer to Eve,” Jennifer told her stiffly. “I’ll only answer to my proper name.”

“But Eve 8 _is_ your proper name,” Katharine said. “That’s who you are.”

“My name is Jennifer.”

“Jennifer...Eight?”

“ _Beaumont_.” For some reason, she blushed. “My name is Jennifer Beaumont.”

“Jennifer Beaumont is the name your Other Mother gave you, and also the name you relinquished when you married Tommy. But I’m your Real Mother,” Katharine pouted, looking upset. “And it hurts my feelings to hear you using some other name when I took so much time to craft and create you..."

“You’re not my Anything,” Jennifer interrupted. “And you’re definitely not my mother. Mothers aren’t supposed to hurt their children-”

“No?” Katharine’s eyebrows went up in surprise. “Are you sure about that?”

“I did what I had to do.” Jennifer’s hands fluttered defensively to her stomach and Katharine laughed. Tipped back her head to show her teeth.

“Actually, I was talking about that dirty alcoholic,” she mused, recovering. “But it’s funny that your mind went there. I think you would have liked motherhood.”

“Really? Because I think I would have hated it.”

“But you never even gave it a chance, did you?” Katharine stretched to scratch a neatly tucked ankle. Looked oddly elegant in sheer black pantyhose and a polka dot dress. “Your disgust for the life Tommy tried to give you disturbs me when so many of your sisters craved what you have; The chance at a normal life.”

“And it never occurred to you to just let them go,” Jennifer suggested. Was punished with a knock to the ribs by Fox for her impudence.

“We’re not running an adoption clinic,” Katharine explained. “We can’t afford to just hand out babies to every childless couple in Southern California. Fox tried that once and he paid the price for it. But the fact is, I didn’t create my Eve’s to waitress and raise families in sunny little cul-de-sacs. I created them to be-”

“Soldiers,” Jennifer jumped in. “Yeah, I know. And by soldiers, you mean robots.”

“By soldiers, I mean heroines. If they could only do as they were told.”

“Heroines don’t do as they’re told,” she bit back fiercely. “That’s the point.”

A moment passed and then Katharine’s eyes flashed at her.

“I believe you're in need of medical attention.”

“I’m fine.” Something warm and wet pooled stickily at her ankle. Jennifer grimaced and didn’t dare look down. “I don’t want your pity, Katharine.”

“Then it’ll please you to know that you don’t have it.” Katharine motioned and patted the cushion beside her anyway. “Come sit though. Don’t pass out on me.”

“I’m fine,” Jennifer insisted again, but Katharine tutted and cocked her head.

“That wasn’t a request, Eve. Come sit by me.”

Fox Lewinsky pushed and prodded her over.

Up close, Katharine smelled like sugarplums.

“There now,” she smiled and patted her cold hands. “That wasn’t such a hard thing to do, was it? I bet you feel much better sitting down, don’t you?” It wasn’t just sugarplums, Jennifer thought to herself. It was Turkish Delight too. Almond paste. Maraschino cherries. A fruity cocktail of smells that wafted beneath her nose when she forced herself to sit closer. Nauseated.

“What a funny little predicament you’ve found yourself in,” Katharine’s hands were soft like they’d been smothered in cream. “I bet you’re wishing you could wake up this morning and start all over again, aren’t you? I know that’s what I’d be thinking if I were you. And in many ways, I’m very grateful that I’m not.”

“What are you going to do with me, Katharine?” Jennifer half expected her to mirror her when she moved her head. Wouldn’t have been surprised at all if they were really connected like puppets on a string. The resemblance between them both was uncanny. Disturbing. “If you’re going to kill me, then I’d wish you just get it over with.” There wasn’t any need to drag these kinds of things out.

"If I _was_ going to kill you,” Katharine played along. “How would you like it done?”

“I wouldn’t like to die at the hands of a man,” Jennifer admitted after some thought.

“No woman would,” Katharine agreed. “Consider that my promise then.”

“So you _are_ going to kill me?”

"Unless you can see a way out of this?” Katharine’s lips pursed and the smell was stronger; That honeyed sweetness that made her head spin. “Such a shame that this is where it’s come to. You know, I had such high hopes for this project in the beginning. I really thought that I could do something good for humanity. End the Cold War. Create an army of female super soldiers that would be respected. Feared. Never once underestimated in this world run by men.

“But,” Katharine admitted gravely. “I let them down, didn’t I? I owed them all those things and I could never give it to them. You need perfection to be respected and I couldn’t get it- perfection for my Eve’s. I could never give them the life I had promised them. And instead, I gave them a lifetime of cages.”

“Women are born in cages,” Jennifer said. Thought of the cruel entrapment that was her own body. Killing her softly from the inside out. “But you made sure they could never leave them. You tightened the screws and kept them tightened.”

“I think I put myself in mine. Twenty years working at that Base and nothing much to show for it. Perhaps you put yourself in yours too, Jennifer.”

Perhaps she had, she thought. Perhaps they were all in their own private traps. And perhaps Tommy and Fox were in their private traps also; Traps of their own make and design. And perhaps everybody just spent their whole lives trying to reach perfection so they could get out of them again- coincidentally screwing everybody else over in the process.

“You just called me Jennifer,” she pointed out, realizing.

“The name suits you a little, I’ll admit it.”

Jennifer wasn’t quite sure what that was supposed to tell her. Wasn’t quite sure what that was supposed to mean.

“Do you really want to kill me, Katharine?”

“I don’t know,” she said, lips pursing. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“If I might suggest something,” Fox stepped in. “I have sedatives that should keep her docile until we decide what to do with her.” His eyes flickered past Katharine to Jennifer who blanched, bristling at the thought that to him she was all but a wild animal that must be tamed. “Wouldn’t want her running away now.”

“No!” Fear had Jennifer jumping out of her seat. “You said you wouldn’t!”

“Calm down,” Tommy snapped. “You’re embarrassing me.”

“But you said you wouldn’t- you lied to me!” Jennifer sprinted forward and flew to the window. Skidded into the hallway where the front door was waiting. Wasn’t locked because the key was in it. Opened quite easily when she tore it open.

The door slammed shut onto her hand and Jennifer screamed. Heard a sharp cracking sound like a soda can had just been popped open.

She fell, agonized, to her knees where she could only sob.

“You broke it!” She wailed. Rocked forward with her arm clutched to her chest.

“I didn’t break it,” Katharine barked at her. “Stop sniveling.”

Behind them, Fox shifted into view. “Shall we move her into the sitting room?”

“No! Don’t touch me-” Somehow, Jennifer found the strength to drag herself over to the wall; Cool, and white, and soothing when she pressed her trembling self against it. Tried to imagine a cold, wet fog washing over her. Dissipating. Erasing her and all the terrible splintering pain that went with it.

Jennifer’s mouth went dry and she couldn’t speak. Numbly, she picked a spot on the floor to stare at. Then flinched and drew back again when the shine of Tommy’s shoe appeared in front of her face.

“I warned you what would happen if you didn’t do as you were told.” Her husband pressed one knee into the floor and she turned her head away. “I told you what she would do if you didn’t behave. And now look what you’ve done.”

“It hurts,” she whispered dully to him, and he reached for her.

“It will hurt,” Tommy agreed. “We better hope it’s not broken, right?”

“It _is_ broken-” Jennifer hissed and cried out when he rotated her wrist upwards. Tried to shove him back with her one good hand. “It is broken. Just leave it-”

“Can’t you open your fingers for me?”

“No.” Her answer was quick. Too quick.

“Can you try?” Tommy coaxed, while Jennifer grimaced and twitched her hand. Hot tears springing when a flash of pain shot from her wrist and up into her shoulder. A hiss went up and she shook her head but tried again anyway; Tried only because she feared he would get impatient and wrench her hand open himself.

Could never tell how long these calm spells were going to last.

Could never tell when the kindness would put and fizzle out.

“That’s a good girl.” Tommy inhaled sharply when she unfolded her hand for him, and both Katharine and Fox leaned forward to see it too. Jennifer’s swollen fingers gave away that it was almost definitely broken, but Tommy's eyes were calm when they flickered up to see her.

“Sprained,” he said, in that airy tone that people used on little children when they didn’t want them to worry. “I’m sure the bruising just makes it look worse.”

“You shouldn’t have run,” Katharine said. “Now get her up, will you?”

“Can’t I just stay here?” Jennifer begged.

“I’m not pandering to you just because you’ve got a couple of tears in your eyes.” The older woman’s mouth twisted and she sneered at Tommy. “You shouldn’t either if you know what’s good for you. You should have put her down when your father first suggested it; Then perhaps your little wife wouldn’t be sobbing in the corner with a crushed hand.”

“I thought you’d want her awake so you could meet her at least. I didn’t know she was going to run,” Tommy fired back. “How the hell was I supposed to know that’s what she’d do? You shouldn’t have slammed the door on her like that!”

“Just get her back into the sitting room,” Katharine sighed, bored already and pacing now. “The sooner she’s out, the sooner we can decide what to do.”

“You’ll feel better when you’re asleep.” It was the only attempt at comfort that Fox Lewinsky offered her when Jennifer was resting on the couch again; A thick sheen of sweat glimmering on her forehead. Making her curls spring. “Once you’re asleep, you’ll forget all about that pain in your hand.”

“I don’t want to forget about it,” she told him quietly, much fainter now.

“I’m sorry?” Fox asked, cocking his head to hear her.

“You put me to sleep and there’s a good chance I won’t wake up again.” Jennifer grimaced and stonily turned her face away. Hated to see those little red pills bouncing in the cup of his palm. “You put me to sleep and I’ll just...fade out.”

Fade out just like that, she thought. Like a little candle going out in the wind.

“Doesn’t that sound nice though?” Fox tried, pressing his knee into the cushion beside her. His mouth fell to her ear but she still didn’t look at him. “Being able to just dream your life away. No pain. No worries. Just a long, long sleep...”

Jennifer had to admit the idea was tempting when he put it like that.

And her poor, poor hand was hurting so terribly.

“You wouldn’t feel a thing,” Fox promised her gently.

“Don’t be stupid,” Tommy cut in, snatching the pills from his father and taking his place on the couch beside her. “You’re not going to die. He’s just trying to get in your head.” Hands that were almost tender then swept her damp curls away. He may as well have said that was _his_ job. “You’ll feel better once you’ve taken them though. Your hand. Your stomach. It won’t hurt so much."

“You’re not going to let him hurt me?”

Tommy caught her meaning and looked up to shake his head.

“I never would,” he said, and he sounded surprised that she had believed him. That she had even entertained his words as truth. “I was never going to let him hurt you,” he promised, leaning in. “Don’t you see, Jen? I never meant it.”

“No. You meant it.” Fingers pushed under her tongue but she didn’t stop them that time. Tasted something bitter and acrid at the back of her throat. “You meant every word you said, Tommy...But you just don’t mean them now, do you?”

She reminded herself that it didn’t mean he wouldn’t mean them again later. When she woke, God willing, and was no longer that funny dream girl with a serene expression. Glassy eyes fixed on him as he floated strangely above her...

Tommy was free to change his mind as and when he chose to.

And he _would_ change his mind. Because he always did in the end.

It was the final thought that Jennifer had before she slipped away from him.

Sank down into a kaleidoscopic dream world where everything was mirrored.

Glittering under a hot diamond sun she could not see.

\---

" _Jennifer_.” The voice in her ear had her stirring again only a few mere hours later; Dragged her up unwillingly from that heavy, black blanket of sleep. To wake every startled nerve ending and to jolt every napping synapse. Splintering the very inside of her brain until her entire body was screaming. Jennifer rolled once and tried to force herself back under. But the voice in her ear was too loud and wouldn’t let up.

“Jennifer,” it nagged at her. “You need to open your eyes.” But the pain was too much and she couldn’t stand it.

“Leave me,” she whined, twisting from the sound. “Please, just let me sleep.”

“But you can’t sleep,” the voice pushed, more urgent with her that time. “You need to get out of here. Open your eyes. Listen to the rain outside.” Faintly, she thought she could hear the machine-gun-like trill on the window. A hand that wasn’t hers reached out to shake her slumbering shoulder.

“I think it’s raining inside too.” Jennifer’s own voice was slurred like she’d been drinking. “Everything’s all cold and wet. Can’t you feel it?” There was a slippery dampness that permeated and chilled her. Jennifer groped blindly through the black and tried to surface. “Where am I then? Am I inside or outside?”

“You’re inside,” the voice said.

“I am?” Jennifer’s eyes opened the moment she heard it, and she saw that she was in her bedroom. Tucked beneath the comforter with her bad arm resting on the pillows. “I am?” The room was dark and hushed, and she didn’t know what time it was. Thought the clock on Tommy’s bedside table read two a.m. But when she blinked and opened her eyes again the numbers had changed to three.

“Billy?” She sat up because now she recognized the voice that spoke to her, and the fog that had clouded her brain before had simply fallen away. “Billy? Is that you?” A hand touched her cheek and she clung to it.

“It’s me. I’m here.” Billy’s voice was low. “I’m gonna get you out of here, alright?”

“Are you real?”

“Don’t I feel real?” He did, but she still half-expected her hand to go through him. Traced the lines of his wrists and the curve of his lower lip. The stubble on his cheeks that she reached up and kissed blindly through the darkness. Thought to pull him back into the bed and keep him there because she’d heard that some things could be kissed better. “Do you believe me now?”

“But what are you doing here?” Jennifer trembled and clung to him. Still couldn’t quite believe it. Tried to make herself understand. Tried to make some sense of what was happening. “How did you get up here without them seeing you?”

“Does it matter?” Billy felt for her hand and squeezed it. “I’m here now, aren’t I?”

So he was, she thought to herself.

And it was almost too good to be true.

“You’re not real, are you?” Jennifer whispered, dropping his hand in defeat. “What’s going on? Have I died, or have I just lost my mind?”

“Why not both?”

“I’m serious.” She threw the comforter back and saw the blood on the sheets. Slippery and black in the moonlight. “I’m dead, aren’t I?” Jennifer realized, feet swinging to the floor. “I’ve bled to death and now I’m dead, aren’t I?”

“Not yet.”

Those two little words made her ears prick up with hope.

“I’m not?”

“You’re not. But if you stay here much longer, you will be. There’s only so much trauma a body can take before it starts to shut itself down. Only so much blood loss before the mind starts making you see things that aren’t there-” Billy was silhouetted so beautifully against the moonlit window. His broad shoulders and his curls were outlined against the glass. Jennifer wanted to reach out and touch him but feared that he would vanish if she did.

“You’ll have to be quick,” he told her, crossing to the other side of the bed. “And you’ll have to be quiet too; None of them have been up here yet, which means that one of them will be soon. And you better hope it’s the nicest one.”

“There _isn’t_ a nicest one.”

“I know,” Billy said. “But what I meant to say was that you better hope it isn’t the worst one.” The funny thing about that was that she didn’t know who that was supposed to be either. “Shall we, Jennifer?”

“Shall we what?”

“Shall we get you out of here?”

All was quiet on the landing when Jennifer tiptoed out to it, clutching her aching hand and stealing a look over the banister. The hallway was as dark and as quiet as her own room had been, but there was a thin sliver of light coming from the sitting room, and voices could be heard faintly over the sound of the rain.

“I’ll never make it out without them hearing me,” she whispered when she sensed Billy hovering by her elbow. “I tried once. They’ll be ready for me. One floorboard creak and they’ll be up here-” Memories of that door crashing shut onto her hand had her backing away again. “I can’t. They’ll hurt me.”

“They’ll hurt you anyway if you stay here,” Billy said. Didn’t seem to be whispering much but she guessed that was okay seeing as he wasn’t actually here with her. “Why are you giving in before you’ve even tried?”

Because, she thought, she was scared. Because Jennifer had a strange feeling that she was probably going to die tonight. And perhaps, deep down, she had already made her peace with the thought of it.

“I’ve messed up my life so much,” she admitted miserably, peering down still over the quiet banister. “I’ve done things in life too early just because I was so scared that I wouldn’t be living at all if I didn’t, and I was so sure that being a wife would make me a grown-up. That it would fix all of my problems because I would have somebody with me to face them. But it turns out that Tommy was the biggest problem of all and I couldn’t see it...And now I don’t have anybody.”

“You have me,” the Dream Billy offered up, and Jennifer smiled at him.

“But you’re not here, are you?” she pointed out. “Where are you, Billy?”

“ _Jennifer_?!” Her husband’s voice in the hallway had her scooting back into bed again. Like a little child who had been sent to bed early and was pretending to be asleep. Jennifer held her breath when the door crept open and Tommy came in. Took everything inside of her not to spring up and recoil away when she felt the mattress sink beneath his weight.

Through the darkness, a hand reached out to feel her burning forehead.

Tommy’s fingers were smooth and cool beneath her bangs.

“I should never have brought you back here,” he whispered while he hovered over her. “I should have made us stay in Minnesota but you insisted, didn’t you? You missed your family. Your friends. _Him_ too, probably. And I’ll admit that a part of me came back here because I wanted to see Ivy too, but that wasn’t the main reason. I came back here because you asked me to, Jennifer.”

 _Bullshit,_ she thought while she lay there, listening. _Bull. Shit. Tommy._

“I cried the night we made love on our wedding night,” he went on beside her. His voice low like he didn’t want anybody else to hear. “You probably don’t even remember it. And if you do, you probably think it’s pretty funny now...But I cried because I wanted you to be her. I wanted you to be Ivy and you weren’t.” A long sigh slipped out and Tommy crept forward onto the bed again, moving himself over her to kiss her cheek. Against her skin, his mouth was warm and hard, and Jennifer’s heart was pounding beneath her robe. Half-expected him to sense it and figure out that she was really awake. “I know you think I was wrong for that,” Tommy whispered into her ear. “I know you probably think it wasn’t really ‘love’ but it was, Jennifer. It wasn’t just sex and power for me, it was different. And I tried to imitate that with you but I couldn’t do it. You were so.... _not like her._ I couldn’t pretend even if I wanted to. And every time you turned around and you weren’t Ivy, I just got so angry with you; I hated you for not being her. How can you look like her, and sound like her and still not ‘be’ her? The only time I could ever make myself believe it, was when you were crying or sleeping. And I guess I just liked making you cry after that.”

It was easy.

A long moment passed then where Tommy didn’t say anything. Silence fell and Jennifer began to fear that he would stay hovering over her forever. Could feel the heat from his palms at either side of her head. His knee against her stomach and his chin by her ear. She could only lie there and count the slow, dragging seconds; wondering what on earth this Janus-faced man was thinking.

Then Katharine Grady’s voice boomed powerfully from the doorway.

“What are you doing up here?” She asked him. “And what are you doing to her?”

“Just checking that she’s still alive,” Tommy scoffed, rolling off of her then and sitting on the bed. “No need to look so suspicious, Katharine. I’m her husband.”

"And is she?”

Tommy laughed at her. “Is she what?”

“ _Alive_.”

“It might disappoint you to hear it, Katharine. But yes, she is.” A cool finger slipped beneath Jennifer’s jaw to feel her pulse there. Katharine must have slipped out onto the landing because Tommy got up and called out to her.

“Katharine, wait,” he insisted, following. “At least let me get her a doctor now.”

“No doctors,” came her simple reply. “At least, not yet. We’ve discussed this, haven’t we? And we agreed that I would have her autonomy. As her mother.”

“And as her husband, don’t you think _I_ should have her autonomy?”

“Tommy, darling, you’ve _had_ her autonomy. I’ve let you enjoy her.”

“But now she’s dying,” he said. “We’ll have killed her if we let her lie here.”

“Dead girls don’t speak, Tommy. You know as well as I do that the only way to clean up this mess is to sweep up _all_ the crumbs. But you can rest easy and know that your conscience is clear. Your wife killed herself the moment she jumped down those stairs.” Katharine’s voice grew fainter from Jennifer as if she had turned away. “Now take your hand off my arm before I make you-”

“Perhaps I _should_ make you,” Tommy hissed, and there was the sound of something flat and heavy hitting the wall. Like two bodies colliding against it. “I didn’t agree to this and you know it. You said my job was to take care of her-”

“And a fine job you’ve done too,” she agreed. “You seem to have taken great care of her while you were pummelling her with your fists this evening; Tell me, Tommy, is it a rage thing that you can’t control? Or is hitting her your way of showing you care? A kiss with a fist. A token of affection from you alone-“

“I don’t have to answer to you, Doctor Grady.”

In the doorway, there was another impatient bang.

“And that’s where you’re wrong.” That time, the noise came from the other side of the wall. Something fell and Jennifer heard Tommy grunt and swear. “Your mistake is thinking that you’re stronger than me. Get that idea out of your head.”

“So we’re just going to kill them all?” Tommy quizzed. “ _That’s_ your big plan?”

“My plan is to end this thing before this catches the attention of the FBI. We can’t have homicidal clones of the town beauty queen running around Santa Carla. I think this mess has gone on long enough,” Katharine added, and it sounded so final. So decisive. “If your wife lives, then she lives. But if she dies, she dies.”

“And Ivy?” Their voices were fainter now as if they had left the room.

“Ivy’s always been trouble,” Katharine decreed. “Consider her dead already.”

Jennifer had to get out of here. Had to leave somehow before one of the three of them came up again and realized she wasn’t really sleeping. Had to leave somehow before she suffered and bled to death in the marriage bed; A cruel irony she didn’t have any intentions of fulfilling.

Not now. Not ever.

Her head felt stuffed and strangely groggy when she raised it to see. Couldn’t sense her Dream Billy anywhere now; Not in the corner, or by the window where she had seen him last. Tried not to feel discouraged now that he was no longer around to fight for her. But knew for a fact that Tommy certainly wouldn’t.

There wasn’t anybody in this house who was going to help, she realized.

Nobody but her own damn self anyway.

Unsteadily, Jennifer swung herself onto her feet and swayed there a moment on the carpet. Peered around the dark room and tried to find the courage to leave it again. To step out onto that landing and risk being seen by them; Risk being dragged back into that bed by Katharine or Tommy- or even worse, by Fox. Thought of the pillow they would use to muffle and silence her. Bruises on her face. Legs kicking uselessly beneath her while they snuffed her out.

The landing was thankfully clear though when she dared herself onto it.

Jennifer crossed to the banister and took the stairs on her toes.

Reached the bottom and saw the door there in front of her.

Prayed that they were stupid enough not to have locked it.

“Going somewhere?” Hands smacked her back at the same time she thought to make a run for it. Jennifer’s shoulders hit the wall and her hurt hand swung and hit it too. Pain crippled and she almost fell. Could only hiss through her teeth and stare at Katharine. “So much for you being asleep. I suppose I should have known.”

"Just let me go!” The door was so close she could have touched it.

“And what? Miss out on getting to know you better?”

“You don’t want to get to know anyone!” Jennifer kicked and struggled. “I heard what you said in there- you want to get rid of us! You’re tired of us now so you think you can just throw us away. But you can’t just make people and-”

“ _People_?” Katharine laughed and looked surprised. Loosened her grip on the struggling girl. “You’re not ‘people’, Jennifer, you never were. You never have been. You’re an Eve. And you’re mistaken in thinking that any of your feelings are real. You weren’t made to feel, Jennifer. You weren’t made to matter.”

“You’re lying,” she said.

_“Am I?”_

“Because you say that, and yet you keep on calling me my name.”

That alone had to mean something. Had to.

“You don’t like it when Tommy hits me,” Jennifer pushed on. “Admit it, Katharine, you hate it. You had enough kindness in you back then to let my mother keep me. You could have taken me away from her but you didn’t.”

That had to mean something too.

It all did.

“Don’t say that I’m not a person, or that I’m not real. Just admit that you’re all too afraid to see me that way.”

Too afraid to. And for the very same reason that prisoners were made to wear execution hoods. Because they were all too afraid to see the humanity beneath it. Too afraid to see the person.

Katharine’s hands dropped and faltered, but Jennifer didn’t give her any time to recover. Struck the woman hard in the chest and battled her way around her to the door. Managed to wrench it open that time and ran out into the pouring rain.

The cold water chilled her like shocks of electricity along her scalp and spine.

“ _Jennifer_!” Behind her, there were shouts and footsteps. But she didn’t dare look back to see who had followed. Didn’t look back once. Couldn’t bring herself to. Knew only that she must keep on running. Bare feet splashing. Lungs burning. Her broken hand, screaming.

Somehow Jennifer knew where she must go, and even in the storming darkness of three a.m., she knew the way. Somehow.

\---

They were both waiting for her at the Point; Just as she knew they would be. Her eery reflections standing pale and whimsical on the clifftop. Their bright clothes billowing like cut ribbons in the wind. Somehow Jennifer knew which one was which. Knew it in the innate way that dreamers knew these things. As if it had been known to her all along but was only necessary for it to be revealed to her in that moment.

Her two sisters, Ivy and Eve 9. The very last of their kind.

Waiting for her because they too knew that she would come.

“My dress,” Jennifer stepped forward through the rain to see them better. Saw her missing pageant dress clinging to Ivy’s form. That jewel red satin, damp and wrinkled. Dragging in the mud. “You’re wearing my dress.”

“Does it suit me?” Ivy let out a little laugh as she came closer, and the sound rang out like silver bells as she twirled and posed like any other young girl in a dress shop. Curtsied. “I’ve always wanted a pretty dress like this to wear.”

“So that’s why you did it?” Exhausted, Jennifer didn’t notice her knees hitting the ground. Didn’t feel the cold mud seeping into the skirt of her nightie. “You want my life, is that it? My clothes. My home. My husband. You want what I have?”

“You have nothing that I could ever want,” Ivy said, laughing and throwing her wet hair from her brow. “Your life is minuscule, Jennifer. What on earth do you have that you think I could possibly want from you so badly?”

“My husband,” she said again. Because surely this was all for Tommy; The dress. The pageant. The wedding ring. “You had him once. You want him back.”

“I think I would rather die first,” Ivy sniggered, and the other girl did too. Stayed quiet behind her sister and didn’t speak. “I despise Tommy,” Ivy went on. “I loathe him and everything he stands for. Why on earth would I want a home with a man like that? A life. A baby. A house. That was your silly dream, Jennifer.”

“I never wanted a baby,” she muttered in her defense, and Ivy’s mouth twitched.

“Of course you didn’t.” She seemed sorry then. Almost softer. “You’re shaking.”

“I’m cold.” The sweat from her great escape now chilled her. Rain ran in rivulets down Jennifer’s forehead to drip off the ends of her hair. To seep into her bones and nip at the nerves along her spine. “I’d do anything for this rain to stop.”

“ _Rain_?” Ivy smiled and turned her palm up as if she hadn’t noticed. “What rain?”

No rain fell when Jennifer looked again. Saw only a clear black sky that was littered with dull white stars. Although the ends of her hair still dripped and the fierce wind still blew. Jennifer looked at Ivy, all wide-eyed. Marveled at her.

A magician.

“How did you do that?”

“I didn’t do it.” Ivy’s eyebrow quirked defensively. “Perhaps it was you.”

“Why? Is this a dream?” Jennifer so hoped it wasn’t. Wondered vapidly if the rain, much like the Billy that had woken her at the house, was just another beautiful hallucination. There one striking minute and gone the next.

Perhaps even this cliff face wasn’t real.

“Life is but a dream,” Ivy sighed morosely. “I bet you thought you were dreaming when you married Tommy, didn’t you? Too good to be true, much like all dreams though, right? Happiness so great that it couldn't possibly last.”

“They’ll be coming after us now,” Jennifer spoke up urgently. Remembered Tommy and Katharine’s conversation on the landing. “They’ll be looking for you both and they’ll be looking for me too. They want us dead. We should try and-”

“That won’t be necessary,” her double interrupted. Seemed unfazed and not at all worried about Jennifer’s warning. “They’re not going to hurt us.”

“They’re not?”

“Ivy says it’s poetic if we do it together,” Eve 9 said then. Spoke up for the first time so Jennifer looked at her; The youngest of all the Eve’s, standing shyly behind her sister’s shoulder. “If we jump first then they can’t be the ones to push us,” she said. “If we jump first then it’ll be us who won. not them.”

“What are you talking about?” Jennifer asked.

“Tommy’s baby,” Ivy explained, motioning with her pale hands to Jennifer’s stomach. “It was Tommy’s baby that made you jump from those stairs and now you sit here bleeding. If you die here without jumping first, your blood will be on Tommy’s hands.” The biting wind picked up around the girls to roar in agreement. “Why give him the privilege of taking away your life, Jennifer? Why give him the privilege of taking anything else that belongs to you?”

“Fall on your sword,” Eve 9 spoke up. And Jennifer realized then that they really expected her to jump with them. To fling herself from the Point like some ethereal Victorian schoolgirl. To fall down amongst the crashing waves and disappear completely. Dissipating like a soulless white wisp of seafoam.

It was an absurdity. Jennifer wasn’t actually going to do it of course.

Wasn’t even going to begin considering it.

At least not until Ivy stepped forward to crouch kindly at her level.

“You must be in a lot of pain,” the girl noted, and the comment made Jennifer stop and look up. “I bet you just want it all to end, don’t you?”

Ivy watched her with the genuine sympathy of someone who felt what she felt. Who shared in her pain and who found that they had that same ‘badness’ in common. Not ‘bad’ girls, just girls that had been treated badly. And she realized for the first time in that nightmarish evening that this girl cared. In her own odd, unusual, and self-destructive way, Ivy didn’t just care for her but understood her too.

Cared for Jennifer, and had probably cared all along. Even when she had tried to sink her beneath that bathtub water, she had only ever been doing her a favor. Saving her from the wrath and violence of a man who could do much worse.

“It doesn’t have to end this way,” Jennifer tried softly despite that. Attempted to speak up a little over the whipping wind. “We can leave town right now and run away together. Go someplace where nobody knows us and live as sisters; Live as _real_ sisters.” In her urgency, she began to cry and reached out to her with her good hand. “You look just like my Laura.”

“But I’m not Laura,” Ivy sighed. “I watched Laura die in that Lab while they pricked and they prodded her. Cut little parts of her away while they tried to understand why she wasn’t working. Why her entire being screamed out to be free. To answer to no one but herself.” The girl rose and pulled Jennifer up with her. “I’m not going to give them the satisfaction of killing me the way they killed her.”

_You shouldn’t either, Jennifer. If you really know what’s good for you._

“But I- I don’t want to die.” They were standing at the very edge of the cliff face now. The black sea hissing dangerously below them. Jennifer’s bare feet curled up into the damp earth. Tried to find some footing there to keep her.

“But do you really want to live, sister?”

“Yes, I...” The pain of existing numbed her enough to falter. “...I don’t know.”

“It’s not like you’re not already dying anyway,” Ivy offered helpfully. One hand on her elbow while Eve 9 nodded in agreement. “It’ll be slow and painful and lonely if you choose to lie here and bleed to death. You’ll be so cold, sister. Why not jump with us and have it over with? Perhaps we’ll even see Laura again.”

“Do you really believe that?”

The drop was so black and bottomless below.

“I don’t know,” Ivy said. “But perhaps we will. Perhaps heaven is a red room filled with angels. I dreamed of that once, you know Of heaven; So red after all that white. So beautiful. So safe. I dreamed that the angels came to help us because before that they’d all gone away. Perhaps we really will see Laura there.”

“Perhaps we will...” 

“And perhaps this is all just a dream,” the older girl added, leaning in. “Perhaps you’ll fall and you’ll wake up in your bed with your heart pounding. And Tommy will be lying there, asleep next to you. And you can both go back to pretending.”

“No,” Jennifer decided firmly. “No more pretending.” And then before she knew what she was doing, they were all swooping and falling together, and the wind was dragging at their hair. And they weren't falling but actually flying. And this was what freedom was...

Jennifer tumbled and hit the ground and was surprised at how sudden it had been. Felt the blinding pain of her broken leg a mere second or two later. Someone’s hands beneath her and the strange, deep heat of a voice in her ear. 

“I’ve got you,” Tommy panted, and they both rolled onto the grass where they had fallen. Into the black, wet dirt where he had dredged her back. “It’s alright, Jennifer, I’ve got you. I saved you, see? Didn't I tell you that I would?"

Thwarted or saved, she did not know. But cried out and squirmed like a mad girl. Tried to get away from him.

"My sisters-”

"Don't speak." He was quick to hush her and even quicker to pretend he could not hear. "It's alright now, I've got you-"

"But my sisters! You're not listening to me-" Jennifer rocked and tipped back to see a million stars. Not dull as before but white-hot now and burning bright. Dazzling. Hopeful. Bright like an angel's eye. “I want a divorce,” she realized aloud, and in all her pain and hysteria, she knew only one thing for sure; "If it's the last thing I do and I die in the next twenty minutes...by God I want a divorce."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you managed to make it all the way to the end without skim-reading all the boring bits you get a medal :D If you're confused then don't worry, because I *think* you're supposed to be. Next chapter is clearer and more Billy focused, I promise!


	20. Four White Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi guys, hope you’re all having a safe Halloween! This year is almost over so just hold on a little longer. Managed to get this finished a day early so have a Sunday treat from me :) I’m gonna post and bounce like I always do but stick around if you have anything to say and I’ll always get back to you xoxo
> 
> TW: Domestic abuse mentioned. Attempt at gaslighting. Talk of suicide. Reference to past sexual assault/reproductive coercion. Sexual references.

Daylight hurt when Jennifer’s eyes cracked open the following morning. Four white walls and a dreary tiled ceiling she did not recognize, came swimming into view. A breeze tapped and rattled the blinds at the window. A sharp clinical smell burned beneath her nose.

Taped tubes tugged sorely when Jennifer turned her head. Had her wincing so her hand came up without a thought to tear them free.

Somebody leaned across the bed to stop her.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Darleen?” Tears welled when that friendly face appeared just inches above hers. Darleen Cutler smelled like hot coffee and freshly baked pies. When her arms went up automatically around her, Jennifer inhaled deeply. Knew at the back of her sluggish mind that that was home. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing!” Darleen’s hands attempted to smooth those wild curls tamer. “You’re in the hospital. Don’t you remember what happened?”

“I don’t-” Jennifer’s own face flashed then into her mind. Something stirred like a memory and her stomach tightened. “I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not.”

“You fell down the stairs,” Darleen reminded her gently. “And when you fell, you broke your leg and you broke your hand. You’re banged up pretty badly. They think you might have hit your head too, so it’s alright if you feel a little groggy.”

“But that’s not what happened.” Jennifer tried to sit up, and the white walls around her spun madly until Darleen pushed her back down again.

“You lost your baby, sweetheart.” The older woman’s voice shattered and broke from being the one to tell her. “I’m so sorry, Jennifer. There wasn’t much they could have done, and you’d already lost so much blood by the time you got here. They had to give you a transfusion. For a while, they were worried that you-”

“I didn’t fall down the stairs last night.” Panicked and confused, Jennifer had no interest in being soothed. Remembered the dangerous hissing of that wild, black sea beneath her. Two white faces that mirrored hers. Glowing in the moonlight.

“I didn’t fall,” Jennifer struggled lucidly. “It was raining. It was raining and then all of a sudden, it wasn’t. And my sister, Laura was there. Only it wasn’t Laura, it-”

“She’s more confused than I thought she’d be,” a voice in the corner spoke up. Jennifer’s eyes whipping with horror to see Tommy standing there.

“Don’t you remember what happened last night?” He asked, joining the two women at the bed. “We were fighting, remember? You freaked out on me and said you were gonna leave. Totally lost your mind. Went nuts and fell when you got too close to the stairs. I tried to catch you. Don’t you remember that?”

Jennifer’s head throbbed dully. Somehow that did seem familiar to her.

It was as if she had two versions of that night in her head: The one that had really happened, and the one that her husband had planted there.

Slyly, over Darleen’s shoulder, Tommy smiled and put a finger to his lips.

“Yes,” Jennifer said, through gritted teeth. “I think I remember now.”

“And what were you fighting about?” Darleen asked.

Tommy reached for his coat behind her to put it on. “I’ll let Jennifer fill you in with the details. It’ll do her good to think things over and let things become a little clearer in her mind. Right now though,” he announced, “I better go home and get changed for work. Big day ahead...” Tommy stopped to shoot Jennifer a look. They shared it, and she knew that he knew. “Things to sort out, you know.”

“Don’t let me stop you.” Jennifer turned her cheek to him when he came closer for a kiss. Pressed his lips just a little too hard into the bruises on her jaw.

“Be a good girl,” Tommy said, before leaving. “I know you will.”

Jennifer snatched at Darleen’s arm the moment he was out of sight from her.

“Don’t let him in here again,” she hissed when Darleen’s eyes widened in alarm. “I don’t want him here. I don’t want him anywhere near me-”

“Alright, I won’t.” Darleen patted her good hand in reassurance and sat down beside her. “You’re really leaving him, aren’t you? You should talk to him.”

“Tommy doesn’t talk,” Jennifer announced sourly. “He hits.”

“Was he the one that put those bruises on your face?”

It was so obvious, that Jennifer didn’t even need to say anything.

“He was so great at first, you know? I really thought I was safe with him. We’ve known each other since we were kids, and it was like I didn’t even have to try, it was so easy. So easy to get along with him. And then one day we just didn’t.”

“He hit you?”

“Not at first,” Jennifer said. “It started out with little things, like a look or a tone of voice. He always seemed so unhappy with me, and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I was so good for him, you know? I did everything he wanted me to but it wasn’t enough...And then he started hounding me for a baby...”

Darleen’s eyes widened and saddened at her.

“You didn’t fall down those stairs, did you?”

“I never wanted a baby,” she admitted miserably. “I said I would give him one to make him happy, so long as we waited a couple of years. I’m only eighteen, Darl, and I was so scared at the thought of it. But then he started tracking my cycle and-” Jennifer paused to wet her lips. “Every other night,” she said, her voice cracking. “Every other night until it became whenever he wanted.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” Darleen wept too and put her arms around her. The two women locked in their embrace. “I should have helped you sooner. I always said I never liked that you’d married him, but I didn’t do enough. I suppose I thought it wasn’t my place, and sometimes you did look so happy together. On his arm. The two of you. You looked quite perfect.”

“It’s not your fault that I married him, Darl. It’s mine.”

“But he shouldn’t have hit you. He shouldn’t have been-”

“And I’ve been having an affair with Billy,” Jennifer blurted out, and it surprised the girl when Darleen only laughed into her hair and hugged her tighter.

“Oh, Jennifer. Bless your heart. You couldn’t have made that more obvious.”

“Really?”

“Really. But now listen to me,” she said, “Because I don’t want you lying here worrying about what’s going to happen when they let you out of here. It’s already been decided,” Darleen announced firmly. “You’re coming to live with me. My daughter’s all grown up now and living in New York, and my husband ran off and left me years ago. So it’s just me. And my dog, Peg. She’s a Pekinese.”

“You really want me to live with you?” Jennifer was moved by her kindness. No, overwhelmed. “I thought you’d be pushing me to go live with my mother.”

“Any girl who marries a man like Tommy Lewinsky and stays with him, clearly doesn’t like living with her mother very much.” Darleen waved away all concern and worries. It was fixed and already decided. “But you’ve got to rest and get better,” she said. “You lost a lot of blood last night, and it’s going to take time for your body to heal. You need to lie still for once and take it easy.”

“And what am I gonna do with all my free time?”

“Well, I’ll bring you books,” her friend suggested. “And your Walkman and your tapes. And when you come home in a few days, I have a beautiful wrap-around porch that you can sit out on at night and eat all the cherry pie in the world.”

Darleen stopped to put her arms around her because Jennifer was crying again. Weeping at the sweet promise of having such a lovely home. Of sitting out in the twilight with a sleepy puppy on her knee. Talking and laughing with her friend in the way that only women could do. Sharing secrets and whispering their dreams to each other, and complaining about the aches and pains that came with life.

Jennifer knew that her recovery wasn’t going to be an easy one.

But she would eat pie, and she would dance, and she would laugh.

And she knew deep down that once all these things had been accomplished, then Jennifer really would be okay. One day.

\---

“She’s not here.”

“I know that.” Billy bristled on the driveway when Tommy Lewinsky appeared at the door. Looked restless and distracted in a half-buttoned shirt and dark suit pants; His undone state making him look more casual than Billy had ever seen him. Still couldn’t quite imagine the man in a t-shirt and jeans though.

“Darleen told me about Fi- I mean, Jennifer- being in the hospital,” Billy said. “I told her I’d stop by on my way over there and get her a few things-” Toiletries, nightclothes. All the insane little objects that Billy knew Jennifer couldn’t live without. Like the little pink rollers she wore in her bangs at night. The cherry red lipstick she wore when she wanted to look brave and beautiful.

“That’s very nice of you,” Tommy said, standing back to let him by and sounding not at all like he meant it. “You better come in then. Upstairs is just through-“

“I know where the upstairs is.”

Both men stopped to stare at each other.

The corner of Tommy’s mouth twitched wryly.

“Of course you do.” A puff of air escaped through the man’s nose, and he turned up the staircase as if he expected Billy to follow him. “I don’t have long before I have to go to work,” Tommy said, going into the bedroom and then into the closet for a tie. “I’m assuming you’ll be quick?”

“Obviously.” Billy had no intention of staying here longer than he needed to. “I’ll just grab her things and then I’ll be out of your way.”

“That’s not her favorite nightgown.” In the closet mirror, Tommy smiled to himself when Billy reached for something peach and slippery. “She likes the Wolford gown in that dresser over there. And her robe will be hanging in the bathroom.”

“This is see-through,” Billy said, tossing the damn thing back into the drawer and looking up again. “Doesn’t she have anything more hospital appropriate?”

“I don’t know. She might have something fleecy from before she married me.”

“Of course, she might.” Billy tried his hardest to hold his tongue. Tried to keep it together for Jennifer’s sake. He found the bathrobe and put it into one of her overnight bags with a toothbrush and a rose pink comb. Noticed her lipstick and her toilet water sitting on the dresser so he put those in too.

Tommy laughed at himself in the mirror and fidgeted with his tie.

“These damn things,” he said, letting his arms drop by his sides and then up again to straighten the knot around his neck. “Jennifer always did them for me in the mornings. She always knew how to get the seams lined up just right.”

“You talk about her like she’s dead,” Billy scoffed. Noticed that the bedding and the mattress had been recently stripped. “Although I guess she might as well have been. It’s not like you ever let her do much living in this house anyway.”

“You don’t know what she was like living in this house.”

“No?” Billy’s jaw flexed and jumped irately. “Fucking miserable springs to mind.”

“You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better. But I know different, you see.” Tommy finished fixing his suit in the mirror and turned from the reflective glass. There was a cut on the back of his head, Billy noticed, like he’d been struck with something hard. “On the landing behind you, is where she fell onto her back and begged me to fuck her,” Tommy said crudely, his dark eyes flashing at the memory. “The bed was just over there but she couldn’t wait to have me inside her. She was squirming. But I’m sure you know how she gets.

“And over there,” Tommy pressed on before Billy could jump in and say something. “On that window-seat, we once stayed up all night talking. I was telling her about this story I’d heard at work and she was laughing. Really laughing, with her eyes all screwed up and her head tipped back. Jennifer’s so beautiful when she laughs. You wish you could just stop and take a picture.”

“Almost sounds like you were in love with her,” Billy pointed out dryly. Felt something stir uneasily inside him when Tommy neither agreed nor disagreed.

“I just wish I could have made her happy with a baby,” he said. Broke briefly from the conversation to pull on his suit jacket. “I’ve wanted to be a father as far back as I can remember. And she would have made a good mother too, I know it.” The man’s eyes dulled briefly, and involuntarily, something tugged and ached at Billy’s chest. “I wonder if you can mourn something you never had to begin with.”

“How’d you mean?” Billy knew what he meant, of course.

“That kid,” Tommy said, sinking onto the undressed bed. “I guess I sort of loved it in a way. Even though it was still so tiny. Barely even a bean, I couldn’t help loving it despite that. Thinking about what it would be like, taking it to the park to play soccer, and...taking it to the beach and teaching it how to surf.”

“My dad never did stuff like that with me,” Billy remembered.

“Neither did mine.” The two men paused and shared a look. “Always too busy, you know? Always working. Never really took an interest in me until I was fifteen and old enough to talk about the news and politics. Entertaining me was my mother’s job,” Tommy said, his eyes glassing over. “Until she died, that is.”

“I’m sorry.” Billy exhaled through his nose because he didn’t know what else to do. Black boots shifting uncomfortably on the rug. “I was just a kid when my mom left me. I know it’s not the same, her walking out on me, but at least your mom didn’t choose to go. At least you know she’d still be here if she could.”

“My mother killed herself,” Tommy admitted with a short laugh. The kind of laugh you couldn’t help when the situation was as unusual as it was. “She jumped off the roof of our house one afternoon, and I saw the whole thing happen on the driveway. Last night, what happened with Jennifer, I...” Tommy stopped and inhaled to falter. Looked up. “Well, I guess her ‘fall’ brought a lot of it back.”

“I’m sorry,” Billy said again, hating himself desperately for not being able to say anything more original than that. “It’s not the same, I know. But I understand. I know what it’s like when you feel like you’re burdening people by just existing.”

“It eats away at you,” Tommy agreed. “Not being wanted by your parents.”

The irony of their conversation was strikingly obvious then. Although it sat unspoken between them like a bad smell until Billy pointed it out.

“Jennifer didn’t want that baby,” he said.

“But I did,” Tommy spoke up. “And it was my baby, I could tell it was. I could feel it in my bones that it belonged to me. Sometimes you just know things without really knowing how you know them. And I know that baby was mine.”

“Yes, well...” Billy had decided it was time for him to go. Had surely overstayed his welcome in the Lewinsky house. “I think I have everything that I need here-”

“I switched her birth control,” Tommy admitted when Billy reached the door. Froze there and turned around to stare accusingly. “She thought she was so smart and I wouldn’t figure it out but I did. I got my father to drop by one afternoon and swap it for a placebo. She never even knew the difference.”

“You did what?”

Billy asked it again slowly because he wanted to be sure he’d heard it right.

“I think his excuse was that he wanted to borrow her lighter,” Tommy said, remembering. “My father thought it was very good of her to hand over her purse so willingly. I’ll admit, he went over there expecting it to be quite the heist.”

What a fool Billy was. What a fucking idiot he’d been for standing there feeling sorry for the guy. For actually thinking that there was something redeemable and good inside that man. The same man who had done God knows what to Jennifer the night before. Who remained tongue-tied and silent when asked if he loved her. Who mourned the child but couldn’t bring himself to mourn the spirit of the woman he had broken to get it. The spirit of the woman he was supposed to have been taking care of; Loving and protecting as his young, new wife.

“It was so easy,” Tommy bragged, gloating now. Proud of himself and reveling in the look on Billy’s face. “I kept waiting for her to say something. To put two and two together and figure it out but she didn’t. Jennifer’s never been very bright-”

“Fucker.” Billy marched across the room and punched him. Smacked him down with a single strike that sent Tommy sprawling onto the bedroom floor. Red blood spurting from his nose and onto his freshly pressed shirt and the oriental rug beneath him. “You’re a different kind of scum, you know that?”

He felt the aftershock of the punch in his hand, moments later.

Flexed his fingers and shook his wrist to be rid of it.

“I should have done that a long fucking time ago.”

“Then why didn’t you?” Tommy spat and dragged his hand back beneath his bloody nose, smearing it grotesquely across his chin. Looked like an arrogant baby toying around with finger-paint. “Not quite man enough, Hargrove?”

“Kind of.” Billy found Jennifer’s things and took them with him to the door. “I guess I’m just not as much like my father as I thought I was.” It felt good to hear himself say it. Relieving to hear it out loud. “I can’t say the same for you though.”

Some people, Billy guessed, were just fated to become like their parents. Others, meanwhile, were destined to break the mold. He and Jennifer, Billy hoped, were cast in the very same one. And he was sure that when they came together, all of their broken pieces would fit and make a whole.

“You stay away from her,” he warned Tommy on his way out. Heard him spitting in response and struggling to stand. “You come near her again and I swear to God I’ll-” He didn’t need to finish that sentence. Blood still dripped obscenely from the man’s nose. Bright red and slick like a warning. Dangerous.

“You know the rest,” Billy finished. “I better not see you around, asshole.”

\---

“What happened to your hand?” There was no fooling Jennifer when Billy arrived at the hospital thirty minutes later. Her smart eyes darting knowingly to the purpling swell on his knuckles that he tried to sweep behind his back.

Jennifer sat up in the bed and beckoned for him.

“Seriously, Billy. What happened to you?”

“What happened to you?” He successfully managed to distract her with kisses and flowers. “I’d say your hand looks worse than mine. Darleen told me it was broken, that right?” Billy snatched for her good hand and kissed it. Dragged his mouth all the way across her heated knuckles. “How’s it feel being eighteen and only just breaking your first bone. Pretty embarrassing, right?”

“Mortifying.” Jennifer smiled and played along. “Two broken bones in the same night isn’t half bad though. Beats your record, right Hargrove?”

“Right,” he agreed, laughing with her. “Where’s Darleen run off to?”

“She had to go home and open up the diner. Said she’d try and come back at lunchtime for me with a cherry pie though.” Jennifer smiled sleepily and tugged Billy closer. Dipped inside his open shirt for that worn saint medallion. Thought there was something so intimate about that gold chain peeking out from beneath his collar. How she longed to be that same pendant pressed so flush and close to his skin. Hot like fire when she nestled it in the cup of her palm.

“Are these things supposed to be lucky?”

“Some people say they are.” Billy frowned and caught her fingers in his. Their hands both entwined by the same chain. “My mom said that whenever things got bad, it was nice to think that there was somebody out there looking after you.”

“Was she religious?”

“Not really. But I think she just wanted me to have someone. And I think she liked the idea of that someone being another mother like she was, you know?”

Jennifer could definitely understand that.

Everybody needed some kind of mother.

“Billy, I need to tell you something-” There was a lull in the conversation while Billy unfastened the chain around his neck to fix it around hers. Jennifer smiled gratefully and inhaled to start. “What Tommy said about what happened last night, isn’t true. I didn’t fall down the stairs and accidentally lose the baby, I did it on purpose. But that wasn’t last night, and that isn’t how I broke my leg.”

“It’s not?” Billy didn’t look too surprised. “I had a feeling it wasn’t.”

“I threw myself down the stairs the day before,” Jennifer explained. “And I was already having my miscarriage at the pageant. I just didn’t say anything because I was...I don’t know. I guess I was scared that somebody would try to help me.”

“I would have helped you.” Billy didn’t look angry. Just disappointed. And that was worse somehow. “I would have helped you do it safely. At a hospital-”

“Tommy would never have let me do that and you know it.”

“Fuck that,” he snapped. “You could have died last night, Jen-”

“And do you think I don’t know that?” Tears sprang but she wiped them furiously away again. “It was a moment of weakness, I couldn’t help it! I couldn’t see any other way out! I was an animal stuffed in a trap. Biting its own leg off just to-”

“Okay.” Billy leaned suddenly across the bed to kiss her forehead. Stayed there with his lips pressed against her hair. Jennifer had a feeling he might have been crying. “Okay, Jen. It’s okay. I just don’t wanna lose you, that’s all.”

“I was so scared, Billy...”

“Then just tell me what happened,” he coaxed her when she faltered.

Dare she? Dare she tell him about what had really happened that night? About the bathtub and the beating, and the cruel confessions on the couch downstairs. About who she really was, and who she really belonged to. And about the weird women with sad eyes like hers who didn’t know any better.

And did she tell him about the way her dreams had bled and dribbled down into her reality? About the way she had seen Billy at her bedside, and dreamed that the rain could hear. Did she tell him that she had stood, half-mad, on a cliff-face with her sisters, and allowed them to coax her into death? Did she tell him that hours later, she still wasn’t sure whether that had really happened?

And did she tell him that real or not, she had almost given up and fallen?

“I’m scared that if I tell you,” she started nervously, “Then you won’t love me anymore. I won’t be ‘your’ Jennifer. And the thought of that absolutely kills me.”

Billy reasonably didn’t understand what she meant by that.

“You’ll always be ‘my’ Jennifer.”

“But I’m not Jennifer,” she said. “I don’t know who I am but I’m not me.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Billy, I can’t exactly put this into words...” Jennifer inhaled and forced herself to tell him anyway. Began from the very beginning and rolled cautiously on from there. Told him without flinching about the secrets she had learned that night. About the girls they’d kept hidden away at the military base. The razor-tongued doctor who’d created them. Cruelly given them numbers instead of names.

“So you see,” Jennifer finished when all was finally out in the open. “I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not a Beaumont or a Lewinsky. I’m not me.”

Billy got up without a word and went over to the window.

“Won’t you say something?” Jennifer pleaded, and he put his hand to the back of his head and continued to stare out into that gray parking lot.

“What do you want me to say?” Billy asked, at last.

“Whatever it is that’s in your head,” Jennifer worried.

“You wanna know what’s in my head?” Billy’s arm dropped and he turned to her again. A hot scowl flashing across his features that made Jennifer shrink in surprise. “All I can think about right now,” he said, “Is that you were lying there in that house last night, and I was listening to some crappy album and watching reruns of The Honeymooners with Max. When you needed me.”

He wasn’t mad at her, Jennifer realized. He was mad at himself.

“I should have been there,” Billy said bitterly.

“But you couldn’t have known that I needed you,” she tried.

“Yes, I could. I should have known that Tommy had seen us kissing in that dressing room,” he argued. “I should have known better than to fucking flirt with you in front of him like that. He’s a fucking wife-beater for Christ’s sake, I don’t know what I was thinking. I should never have let you go home with him.”

“But I’m alright now,” Jennifer piped up limply because she hated to see him this way. “I’m fine, see? I’m here. You’re here. And I’m alright.”

“You’re not alright,” Billy scoffed. “And why the hell should you be?”

“But we’re together now,” she said, quieter that time. “So I really am alright.”

God, she so badly wanted him to believe her. Half-wished that she’d never said anything at all. Jennifer held her breath as Billy crossed over to the bed again, and she let him hover and kiss her sweetly behind her ear. Allowed his fingers to trail up and find the pendant around her throat. Knot there against her collar.

“I don’t care that your mom isn’t your ‘real’ mom,” Billy said. “Or that you were made in some Lab for some hick science experiment that went wrong. You’re still Jennifer to me.” Billy’s free hand came up to catch the hanging light switch by her head. “You’re my girl, Fi. You’re Moira Beaumont’s daughter and Leo Beaumont’s sister. Miss Santa Carla, and the hottest waitress at Cutler’s diner.

“I’m serious,” he sniggered, when she started to laugh at him. And Billy leaned in closer, closer still. “Now listen, Jennifer. You wanna get out of here, right?”

“Right.” She smiled up in relief and toyed with the curls at the back of his head.

“Then you gotta listen to me. ‘Cause, you know, these hospitals are dangerous places. They’re crawling with sick people. And I heard the food in this joint can kill you.” Billy grinned and dropped the hanging light chord. Came up to see her, teasing. “So if you wanna get better, Miss, you have to let me be your doctor.”

“I don’t think you’re qualified-” A squeal rang out from Jennifer anyway when Billy’s hands found their way up her shirt. Both laughing, his mouth fell on her, and the two teens kissed hungrily as if they hadn’t kissed in a decade.

“I think you’re gonna be fine,” Billy mumbled against her lips. “You’re already on your way to making a full recovery.”

“You’re sure about that?”

“Positive.” He came up all breathless and swollen. “Your heart’s racing.”

"Is it? I think that’s because you have your hand down my blouse.”

For a drunken moment then when she had been kissing him, Jennifer had been able to forget. Forgot entirely why she was in that awful place and who the hell had put her there. In that very moment, it had only been the two of them.

Willingly and deliberately lost in each other.

“Can I ask you something, Billy?”

“Shoot.” Content, he kissed her back into the pillows.

“What the hell did you do to your hand?” Jennifer asked, and Billy came up to see her and kissed her on the nose. Laughed madly because she hadn’t forgotten. Made a promise to tell her another day.


	21. Insatiable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks all for being so patient for the next update! Another Billy-centric chapter that I think we all deserve. Billy tries to help Jennifer move forward from her past, but he might not actually be the best person for it, as he struggles to come to terms with the thought that he’s holding onto his own trauma too.
> 
> TW: Light mention of abuse and suicide. Sexual references. Child neglect.

“You can always come back home, you know.”

Moira Beaumont had said it as if she wasn't sure that her daughter knew it. Had insisted to her anyway that she didn’t mind where she stayed. She was happy for her. _Really_ _happy_. And very glad that she’d found a friend in Darleen.

Two long weeks had gone by since Jennifer had been discharged and sent to live in her new home. And yet every morning, Moira still half-expected her daughter to be there. Standing on the doorstep with her bags in hand, looking the same way she’d looked when she’d left last summer to marry Tommy. Declaring this time that she was here to stay. This time she was moving back in.

“Your brother really misses you when you’re not there, Jennifer.”

“Is that your way of saying ‘ _you_ ’ miss me?” Jennifer stared hopefully into the bottom of her milkshake to avoid her mother’s eyes. Wondered if she dared look up that her mother would see the truth in them. The knowledge that beyond the shared name they were not related. “Sometimes I wish you’d just say it.”

“Alright then, we ‘ _both_ ’ miss you,” Moira offered, and it was the most her mother could manage. “I just thought you’d have given in and come home by now. I know you were just being stubborn and sticking it out at Tommy’s house to make a point. But you’ve learned your lesson now. What else is there to prove?”

_“Learned my lesson?"_ Jennifer blanched and looked up from the diner table in disbelief. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Just that you were so hot-headed last summer. I mean, you have to admit now that rushing into that marriage with him was a bad idea. And that you only did it because I told you not to. Because I told you what Tommy was like-”

"You have no idea what Tommy was like,” Jennifer cut in.

“And that you ran away with him to spite me. To get back at me-”

“Because everything is about you, mother. Isn’t it?”

Jennifer hadn’t been meaning to argue. Had hoped madly that the lunch was a sign of better things to come. Her mother had actually left the house and agreed to meet with her. Had gotten dressed and shown up on time, not smelling like a brewery or the living room couch that she so rarely made a habit of leaving.

It was a miracle that she was even here speaking to her.

Perhaps she’d been too naïve in thinking that everything was rosy though.

“When you told me at the pageant that Tommy was hitting you,” Moira said. “I know I should have done more to help. I shouldn’t have let you run up on stage and go through with the damn thing when you’d just told me what you had. But I...I'm not like other mothers, okay? I can’t just put my arm around you and tell you that everything’s going to be alright because it’s not me. I don’t know how to do stuff like that. I don’t know how anyone could.”

“You just say it, mom. It’s not that hard.”

“But it is to me. And when you told me what you’d done to yourself by throwing yourself down the stairs...I guess I just-” Moira’s face creased and she looked pained for a second. “I really think you should have had that baby, Jennifer.”

“Are you mad at me for that?” Jennifer’s stomach sank in disappointment.

“No,” Moira insisted quickly. “I’m not ‘mad’ at you.”

“Then, what?” Jennifer frowned and pushed her milkshake to one side. “You think I should have gone ahead and had my abusers baby?”

“The baby can’t help who his father is,” Moira quipped, and she pretended not to see her daughter wincing. “There are women out there you know, who’d do just about anything to have a baby, Jennifer. Women who’d sell their souls for just one chance at having what you had. What you ‘could’ have had.”

“Women like you, you mean?” And Moira looked up.

“What on earth are you trying to say?”

“Just that Fox stopped by the house one afternoon,” Jennifer said, backtracking a little when she saw the look on her mother’s face. “He told me that just before me and Laura were born, you were struggling to conceive. He said you really wanted me. And when I heard that, I couldn’t help laughing because-”

“We wanted you, Jennifer.”

“Then you had a funny way of showing it. When Laura went missing it was like I went missing too. You didn’t want anything to do with me. You didn’t wanna look at me, you didn’t even wanna know I was around. I might as well have not even been there. I spent eighteen years in that house feeling like a ghost.”

“You’re wrong,” Moira cut in, looking sorry. “I was grieving.”

“We were all grieving. But in that house, it was like we were all dead too.”

“And is this what you’re trying to blame me for? Running off and marrying the first guy who calls you pretty? Because he made you feel like you weren’t just some dumb kid in high school who hated her teenage years. Like we’re supposed to ‘like’ our teenage years,” her mother hissed. “You think any kid is happy at home? You think _I_ was happy at home when my mother was beating on us and getting caught up in all kinds of shit? They used to call us white trash, you know that? And we were. But I said I’d never treat you that way and I didn’t.”

“You don’t get medals for not hitting your children,” Jennifer said. Felt her bottom lip tremble but she held it together. “That’s like the bare minimum. Just admit that you fucked up and you made us all miserable.”

“And you think you could have done my job any better?”

“No, I don’t!” Jennifer burst, glittering.“ That’s why I couldn’t go through with it when Tommy and I-” Both women looked down and Jennifer deflated. Stared at the chocolate brown puddle on the table where her milkshake had dripped from its straw. “You’re my mother and I love you,” Jennifer said. “But sometimes you make it so impossible for me to like you. And I don’t have to raise children with a man who hurt me just so you can sit back, watch me fail, and feel a little bit better about yourself for failing too.”

“That’s not what I meant at all,” Moira insisted. “I just meant that-”

“I know what you meant, mom.” Jennifer sighed and put a hand to her forehead. Rubbed at an ache that had just started up behind her eye. “God, do you think we can just get through _one_ conversation where we don’t rip into each other?”

“I don’t know,” her mother said. “Shall we try it?”

“Fine. But Tommy Lewinsky and babies are off-limits, okay?” Jennifer’s dark eyes snapped to the two glasses that sat between them both. “You want another milkshake or something? They do a mean cherry pie here, you know.”

“It’s not like you to have such an appetite, Jennifer.”

“Yeah well...turns out that not being insanely miserable every day works wonders for it,” the girl said, looking up. “I’m practically insatiable.”

“And Darleen’s a good cook at home, is she?”

“Oh, the best.” Jennifer faltered and chewed on her bottom lip while she looked down. "I’d really like it if you and Leo could come over for Christmas this year. I know it won’t be the same with dad gone and everything but...it’s been a weird couple of months and... it’ll be nice to have something we can do together.”

“You’re asking us over to Darleen’s house?” Moira shifted in her chair like the idea of it made her uncomfortable. “You’re sure Darleen won’t mind?”

“Why on earth would she mind?” Jennifer laughed. “It was her idea.”

“It was?”

“Uh-huh.” The girl laughed again and toyed with her straw. Looked up when she saw her mother’s face. “What’s the matter now?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re lying,” she sighed. “Come on, just spit it out. What is it?”

“I just...” Moira squirmed and looked around them at the teeming diner. Was grateful that the hustle and bustle of that busy Saturday afternoon drowned out the noise of their conversation. “I know in your opinion, I probably don’t have much right to be saying this. But it feels like you’re trying to replace me.”

“ _Replace_ _you_?” It was Jennifer’s turn to squirm. “Why would you think that?”

Why the hell wouldn’t she? It wasn’t as if Jennifer had gone rushing home into her mother’s arms after the incident. It wasn’t as if her mother had been the first person she’d called from the hospital. 

And there had been a reason for that.

The truth was, Jennifer _had_ replaced her, whether she’d intentionally meant to do it or not. Darleen Cutler was a dazzling substitute for a mother who’d spent her whole life wanting nothing to do with her. And yet still, Jennifer’s stomach ached in that hollow, guilty way. Somehow she always felt like the bad guy.

“You’re doing it again,” she said instead, pushing her shake to one side again.

Moira looked up, indignant. “Doing what?”

“ _This_. Acting like I’m tearing you apart because I won’t come home and cook and clean for you, which I know is what you really want me back for. I just got out of a relationship like that. I’m not gonna hop into another one any time soon.”

“You’ve got it all wrong,” her mother sighed. “Overreacting as usual.”

“ _Overreacting_?” Jennifer’s fist smacked down onto the table and the diners around them stirred. Made the glasses and the cutlery rattle. “Maybe I _am_ overreacting,” she hissed, a little quieter. “But it’s _my_ reaction. And how I choose to react is none of your damn business.”

“You’re making a scene, Jennifer.”

“You’ll know about it if I make a scene,” the girl fired back frostily. “And you know, if I wasn’t on crutches right now I think I’d storm out of this place. I asked you here today 'cause I thought for one second that we could make a go of it. That we could have lunch and not fall out over every stupid thing like we always do.”

“Well, that was clearly a mistake,” her mother admitted sullenly.

“Clearly!” Jennifer sat back and winced because her headache had crawled to her other eye. Rubbed at it fruitlessly to no avail. “I think you should go.”

Moira blinked at her and looked taken aback. “What? Now?”

“Yes. Now. Unless you have anything else you’d like to say.”

She didn’t, Jennifer knew. That much was already clear. 

She could see the answer right there in her mother’s face.

Jennifer’s trembling mouth betrayed her when Moira pushed up from her chair. 

Hoping for an apology would have been simply asking for far too much.

“You can come home whenever you like,” Moira said, and a hand went cautiously to her shoulder. “The house hasn’t been the same without you.”

When Jennifer began to cry, she thought her mother would stay, but she heard the restaurant doorbell ring and her car start-up in the parking lot moments later. 

When she raised her head again, Jennifer was sitting alone at that little diner booth. So she wiped her eyes, called over the waitress, and ordered herself another milkshake.

\---

Jennifer was unusually quiet tonight.

Billy could tell by the way she sat in thought that there was something on her mind. Could tell by the way her fingers drummed on the patterned knee of her skirt. Long and mystic to hide the clumpy cast that hid beneath. Dark curls swaying down way past her shoulders to conceal the flushing bruises on her skin that hadn’t quite faded yet.

Firelight from the burn barrel caught her pretty features when Jennifer bowed her head. Those cat-like eyes squinting seriously into the flickering amber.

Gold flushed and rubies crackled. A rosy glow spat out to kiss the drowsy porch.

“What are you thinking about?” Billy finally dared himself to ask.

And Jennifer looked up all smiles again.

“You wanna hear a joke?”

“A joke?” he echoed, and Jennifer nodded from her chair.

“You’ll scream,” she said. “A customer told me this one at work; So there’s three tomatoes walking down the street, okay? Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby Tomato. Baby Tomato slows down and starts lagging behind, so Papa Tomato turns around and squishes him-” Jennifer smacked her hands together and the sleeping Pekinese at her feet stirred and whined. “He says... _ketchup_.”

“Really?” Billy’s jaw jumped after a moment’s pause and Jennifer laughed at him. “That was shit, Jen. That was like the worst joke ever.”

“Well, I thought it was pretty funny,” she said. “But I guess you’ll find anything funny when you’re stuck working the last shift at the diner.” Jennifer’s hands felt absentmindedly for the dozing canine beneath her. “I miss it though.”

“Working?” Billy offered her a light and she took it.

“I know it’s only for a month or two, but I didn’t think I’d miss it this much. I guess I miss my regulars the most. And just being busy. Just having something to do.”

“You mean the eleven a.m. lie-ins aren’t working for you?”

“They don’t go unappreciated,” Jennifer smiled, pausing to drag on her smoke. “But I just keep finding myself waiting for Christmas. Counting down the days as if I think that, if I can just get through these next few weeks...get Christmas out of the way...then everything’ll be alright.”

“Everything _is_ alright,” Billy reminded her, and she looked over at him.

“I know that. But I guess I’m not used to ‘alright’. I guess I’m not used to happy.” Jennifer’s eyes flickered around her to the little white porch they were sat out on. The song of crickets chirped in the dark yard behind them. “Sometimes I wake up and I don’t even wanna open my eyes in case all of this is a dream,” she said. “But I _am_ happy now, Billy. Here. With you.”

“How did lunch with your mom go?”

Jennifer's face fell tellingly at the question.

“Don’t ask,” she muttered. “It was a fucking waste of time.”

“That bad, huh?”

She nodded. “Couldn’t even get through half an hour of it before I was asking her to leave. I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to just sit and make small talk. But she goes straight for the jugular every time. It’s like she can’t help herself.”

Billy knew. Some parents thrived on tearing their children down. It was like they got off on it, except they always seemed to pretend like they were doing it for your own good. As if by breaking you down they could build you up just a little bit more like them. Build you up just a little bit less shitty than you were before.

“I kept wanting to tell her,” Jennifer said, staring off so that the firelight dazzled and caught her cheeks. “I kept imagining the look on her face if I admitted that I knew...She’s not my ‘ _real_ ’ mother. I know where me and Laura came from.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

She looked up. “Because when my dad walked out on us, I guess I always expected her to leave too and she didn’t. It’s like I feel like I ‘owe’ her for sticking around. Even though I know that’s bullshit and probably hard to understand.”

“Not at all,” Billy said, and he felt like he’d never understood anything more.

“I just wish that we could start over, you know? Go back to the beginning and try not to make everything so complicated this time.” Jennifer drew her good knee to her chest, and the sequins on her skirt sparkled. “At least I have you though.”

“You’ll always have me.” This time it was Billy’s turn to stare off in thought.

Then the screen-door behind him banged open, and Darleen came shuffling out onto the porch wrapped in a blanket.

"It’s awfully late,” the older woman pointed out. “Are you kids still sat out here?”

“I’ll go to bed in a minute, Darl.” Jennifer stretched and the napping Pekinese woke and hopped off her knee. Billy followed and leaned over for his denim jacket lying, discarded on the swing-seat. “And where are you going?”

"Home.” Billy looked up and saw her face. “It’s half two in the morning, Fi.”

“Well...aren’t you gonna help my crippled ass upstairs?”

It was only a look, but Billy’s stomach tightened involuntarily when she gazed at him then. Those dark lashes fluttering upwards and that plush rosebud mouth easing into a smile. Jennifer stared at him and Billy stared brazenly back. Thought to pull her down right there and then and kiss her senseless.

“I can fetch your crutches from the kitchen if you like,” Darleen spoke up.

“No need to,” Billy said, and in a second he had marched across the porch and hiked Jennifer up- fireman style- onto his shoulder. Heard her squealing as her hands scrabbled for something to cling onto. Her long hair swinging deliciously at his waist so that he almost felt like dying. “I’ve got it from here, Darl.”

“So I can see. You didn’t feel like bridal style was the better option though?”

“Promise to never carry me bridal style,” Jennifer said, hands at his belt as he carried her inside to the warm hallway and up the stairs to the papered landing where the bedrooms were. “Not even when we actually do get married.”

“We’re getting married, huh?” Billy plopped her down onto the bed.

“Sure we are. In thirty years when I’ve got over the trauma of my first one. And when I know for sure that we’re not gonna split up or anything.”

“What makes you think we’re gonna split up?” He asked.

Jennifer frowned at him. “You broke up with me before, remember?.”

“That was stupid though,” Billy said, his chest panging at the look on her face. “I was an idiot, Fi. I didn’t know what I had until I lost it.” He took the little gold earrings she handed him and put them carefully onto the dresser. “I’m never gonna leave you again,” he promised. “You just try and get rid of me, okay?”

There were tears in Jennifer’s eyes when she blinked at him slowly.

“Will you erm-” She paused to clear her throat. “Will you pass me my brush?”

“Why don’t you let me do it?”

“You want to brush my hair?” Jennifer laughed and waited as he came and sat behind her on the bed. The hard warmth of his stomach pressing up against her spine. Jennifer wriggled and thought briefly about tipping her head back to let it slump onto his shoulder. Thought about his smell and the way his curls would tickle her cheek.

Billy’s arms went around her and he took a lock and started brushing.

“My mom always used to brush my hair before bed,” he said, and she smiled.

“You never talk about her much, do you?”

“That’s 'cause there’s nothing much to say. All I know is she ran off with some guy who worked the boardwalk and she never came back for me. Always said she would. But I guess I can’t blame her for getting the hell out of there.”

“Does it annoy you when I’m always talking about my mom all the time?”

“Why would it?” Billy laughed. “You’d let me complain about my dad, right?”

“Sure,” Jennifer said. “Except you never talk about him much either.”

“That’s ‘cause parents are fucking overrated, Jen. All they do is fuck you up and then leave you to pick up the pieces after. There’s nothing interesting about them- I don’t care what the movies say. I don’t believe that parents are people.”

“Me neither,” she admitted dully, and she felt the bristles sweeping over the ends of her hair. “I think when you grow up and become a parent- your heart dies.”

It was almost like there was some strange, chemical change that took place within you. Something that made you suddenly incapable of understanding anyone below the age of thirty-five. Of having empathy. Of remembering what it was like to be young and lost and stumbling along in the world, just trying to make sense of all the confusing mess around you. Of fucking up and hoping desperately that someone older and wiser would put their arms around your shoulders and tell you that everything was going to be alright- even if it wasn’t.

“We’ll never grow up, will we Billy?”

Behind her, he stopped brushing and lowered his hand.

“What happened to the hoity-toity girl on the boardwalk who said the opposite once? _‘Can’t be a Lost Boy forever Billy’_ , remember that? Where did she go?”

“That was Jennifer Lewinsky,” she said. “But I don’t think I’m that girl anymore.”

“I don’t think you ever were her,” Billy finished. Then swept her dark curls to one side to kiss along the nape of her neck. Stirred something warm within her so she closed her eyes and swayed into him. Hot pulse pushing beneath her skin.

“Put your hands on me,” Jennifer whispered, and she took his fists and guided them to her breasts, her eyes fluttering closed and her dark head sinking back into his shoulder. There was something pleasurably crushing about being underneath his touch. Of being reminded by every jolt that ran through her that she would do anything to please him. “What is it that you want to do to me?”

“I’m doing it right now,” he whispered. Burned her ear with the heat of his breath.

“But you could do anything, Billy. Do you know that? You could do absolutely anything you wanted to me and I’d just lie down, be quiet, and let you do it.”

“That’s a stupid thing to say.” It wasn’t mean, the way he said it, but she still winced. “You shouldn’t talk like that, Jen. You shouldn’t say that to anyone.”

“But I only say it to you and because it’s true. Because I wish you could _know_ \- really _know_ -as in feel what my body feels when I think of you. How much I-”

“I love you too,” Billy finished for her seriously, and he took her chin and steered her mouth towards him. That fierce and determined mouth with the full lower lip and the plush top half like the wave of a seashell. Kissed her until she was whiny and desperate, and squirming on his knee. Wriggling around to face him so that her hair fell around them both. Concealed them like a secret veil.

“Will you stay the night with me?” She pleaded.

“What about Darleen?” Billy asked, and Jennifer smiled and wound her fingers into the curls at the back of his head.

“What about her? She’ll have dozed off in her armchair as usual. She’ll either wake up and make herself go to bed, or she’ll stay there until the morning when the shopping channel comes on.” Leaning into him, she nuzzled her way into the collar of his shirt. “You could sneak out tomorrow and she wouldn’t even notice.”

It wasn’t like he needed much convincing. It wasn’t like the very thought of Jennifer was enough to drive him dizzy. And that the promise of spending an entire night with her- to have her tucked up and sleeping beneath his arm. To be able to have exhausted and used her before that- was more than tantalizing.

“Do you have any idea how lucky I am to have you?” Billy tipped her into the mattress to kiss her all over. Mouth, hands, eyes, and face. Worshipped. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited just to have you in the night-time?”

“Not as long as I have, I’ll bet.” Jennifer’s lips parted and she sighed dreamily. Groped for every part of him. Eased him down on top of her to crush and smother. To wind her limbs around him like gentle ivy climbing an oak tree.

The two undressed hurriedly in the way that only desperate lovers do.

“Do you have a condom?” She finally asked him, and was relieved beyond belief when he reached for his wallet without saying anything. Sat up to help him put it on and then breathlessly lay back down, knowing he was probably unaware of the swelling significance that had had on her. That he’d simply acknowledged her request without a word. Asked no questions and made no complaints.

Then they were kissing again and Billy was pushing his way inside of her, and the thought was lost briefly on Jennifer and there was only bliss.

For a moment then, they were insatiable. Hungry and needy in every sense of the word. Meaning that every kiss, every touch, every snap of burning eye-contact was never quite enough for them. They only wanted more. They _needed_ more. The way people needed air or food or water. They were each other’s necessity to living. Two greedy children who never tired or felt full.

And yet making love with Jennifer was different tonight. Billy could feel it like an odd fog at the back of his brain. That resistance. That pull. That strange sense that there was something that kept tugging at her own mind and jerking her back from the moment- back from him. Despite her being there with him still. Present completely. Clawing. Whining. Bucking to meet him. She still slipped from him now and then like the erotic shadows they made on the walls. Dissipating.

_"What’s the matter with you tonight?”_

Billy asked her that afterward when they were smoking again together. After she’d quaked around him and moaned obscenities into his open mouth. After he’d licked the pads of her hot fingers and buried himself deep inside her.

Jennifer had recovered and sat up to ease his blond head onto her lap. Bent herself over him to offer him her light, then smoked companionably in silence for a long time before he dared himself to ask the question.

“I said, what’s the matter?” Billy pushed. “I know when something’s wrong.”

“You don’t know ‘ _what’s_ ’ wrong though, do you?” White smoke billowed on Jennifer’s next exhale. Somber and beautiful like she was. 

“S’why I’m asking,” Billy said, eyes lifting to stare. “Come on then, what is it?”

“’ _Who_ ’ is it?” She corrected him, and his jaw clenched irritably.

“Alright then, ‘ _who_ ’ is it?”

“It’s Tommy,” Jennifer answered at last, and she grabbed his arm before he could spring up again in anger. “Not in that way,” she insisted when she saw his face. “But I’ve been thinking about him a lot, alright? About that whole night, actually, I can’t help it. Ever since it happened, I can’t get it out of my mind.”

Of course, she couldn’t, Billy thought to himself, softening guiltily as he lay back down again to return his head to her knee.

Of course, she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Who the hell would after all that had happened?

“Sometimes I think I know for sure what went on that night,” Jennifer continued. Thoughtlessly ran her fingers through his messed up curls. “I think about the rain and how ice cold it was on my skin. And how the pain in my hand was so great I sometimes didn’t even feel it. I think about how strange it was to meet my sisters. How odd they were. The things they said...”

“Things like what?” Billy asked, arching up to see her.

“Things like telling me to jump,” Jennifer said. “And their insistence that I do it. I remember them saying that if I didn’t jump, I’d be dying at Tommy’s hand. And I remember back at the house, I said something similar to Katharine. That if she was going to kill me, then I didn’t want a man to do it.”

Her fluidness of thought was unnerving to Billy. This was clearly someone who had sat and thought about this for a very long time. And it had left no room for stumbling or hesitation. Jennifer’s frankness chilled him to the bone. 

Splintered his heart.

“I’m not stupid enough to believe that the moment on the clifftop didn’t happen,” Jennifer went on. “I know Tommy would tell me that I dreamt the whole thing up but I don’t believe it. I _know_ that I was there. I _know_ that I almost jumped. And I _know_ that Tommy was there too because he saved me. The thing I’m not entirely sure about anymore is whether ‘they’ were there.”

“They?” Billy asked. “Your sisters?”

Jennifer nodded fiercely. 

“Tommy wouldn’t have saved me if she’d been there.”

“Ivy?”

“He was obsessed with her,” she nodded at him. “Obsessed enough to marry me because I looked like her. Obsessed enough to buy that house and live out a fantasy. Tommy wouldn’t have let her jump. Wouldn’t have saved _me_ over her.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that...maybe my sisters weren’t there on the clifftop that night. Maybe I dreamt them up, Billy. The same way I dreamt up you and the rain and...I’d like to think they got away,” Jennifer said serenely. “I’d like to think that they did. It makes it easier to get up in the morning when you have hope.”

“Maybe.” Billy’s tongue weighed heavy from the weight of all the words he could not say. The words he wished he could hum and whisper into her ear. Words that said she was right, of course- her sister’s really had gotten away. And perhaps one day she would pass some stranger in the street that looked like her.

There was a comfort in not knowing something for sure. But there was something dangerously parasitic about it too. Eventually, that insatiable little infestation would eat away at you. Gobble you up and consume you whole.

Had Jennifer’s sisters really gotten away? Had something prevented his mother from returning to Santa Carla to collect him?

Perhaps, Billy thought. But also perhaps not. Perhaps their hearts were simply aching for lost girls that might not ever have been lost. Perhaps their hearts were simply searching for women who did not want to be found.

“You wouldn’t have jumped,” Billy said firmly instead, and Jennifer’s smile was thin.

“I did.”


	22. Blue Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! It’s been a while since my last update but this has fallen beautifully in line with the season. I hope everyone who celebrates has had a lovely Christmas! Onto the new year we go and thank you for sticking with me xoxo
> 
> TW: Sexual references. Light mention of past abuse and Billy’s home life.

Even if he thought that he would hang for it, Billy knew he would still stare anyway. In the seat opposite him at the restaurant table, Jennifer sat as still as an angel in her punch red dress. Sat there pensively with her chin in hand and her head slightly at an angle as if she was well aware that she was being admired by him. Well aware that his eyes were on her sweetheart neckline and her bare, sloping shoulders. The cherry red lips that parted and almost slipped into a smile at the thought that he might suddenly lean forward and kiss her.

“Don’t you know it’s rude to stare, Billy?” Sipping at her cola, Jennifer lightly touched the back of her neck. Flashed him a smile as the femme-fatale façade shattered. Her nose crinkling as an embarrassed laugh broke out, flushing crimson beneath his eyes. “You’ve got zero manners,” Jennifer announced brassily, boldly looking him up and down herself. “And how you managed to get into _this_ restaurant in _that_ jacket is beyond me.”

“Leather jackets can be smart casual,” Billy argued. “You just have to be good looking enough and cool enough to pull it off.”

“Which I assume you _are_?” She teased, and Billy snorted.

“Jennifer, look around you,” he said. “We’re the coolest, most good looking people in the room right now. And good looking people get whatever they want, right? That’s what I keep telling you.”

“God,” she groaned at him. “The arrogance.”

“ _Said_ the goddamn beauty queen.”

“Alright. Touché.” Jennifer drank until her ice cubes clinked. Beamed at him over her glass. “You know, I really like this,” she said. “ _Us_. Being here. Together on Christmas Eve. Eating out in some nice restaurant and not having to hide from anyone. Not having to cover my hair under some scarf, or skulk around on the boardwalk. Not having to hide you away like you’re some dirty little secret.”

“I quite liked being your dirty little secret,” Billy joked. 

He laughed but he felt it too- that safeness. And he knew that there was a comfort in not having to hide anymore. A comfort in not having to obscure the handholding, the kisses, or the whispers late at night. To muffle sounds from the bedroom now only for the sake of politeness. And Billy found himself marveling that freedom was something he ever thought he would have to get used to.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” Billy said then, leaning past the drink glasses for Jennifer’s hand. “I’ve been wanting to take you out to one of these places for ages.”

 _“You have?_ ” 

“Sure, I mean don’t get me wrong-“ Billy lowered his voice to a whisper lest the elderly couple at the table beside them overhear. “The sex and the sneaking around with you was fun while it lasted, Jen. But sometimes, you know...a guy just wants to take his girl out to dinner and show her off.”

“Are those your intentions?” Pressing lightly to feel his pulse speeding there, Jennifer dragged her index finger to the warm underside of Billy’s wrist. Thought it lushly arousing to feel the blood rushing there so hot and quick under all that leather. “You better show me off then,” Jennifer said, and there was a challenge in her voice that had Billy leaning over the table to kiss her, just as she’d imagined he would. One hand on her jaw and the other wrapped tight into her hair. His pink tongue swirling to taste the cherry cola on her lips. 

Jennifer hummed and the people around them stared, but the couple seemed not to see them. Didn’t care. Didn’t look up. Didn’t seem to mind at all that people thought they were vain and vulgar.

Perhaps they _were_ vain and vulgar, Jennifer thought.

But they were young and in love and she didn’t care.

“While you seem to be in such a good mood, I want to ask you something.” The waitress came over with their food and Jennifer took a generous bite of her pizza. Smiled at the waxy red kiss she’d left behind on Billy’s mouth. “Will you think about coming to an aerobics class with me in the New Year?”

“An aerobics class? Are you serious?” Billy paused and looked up from his spaghetti in surprise. “Aren’t those kinds of classes meant for girls?”

“They don’t _have_ to be. The class I’ve found in town says it takes men _and_ women. And lots of men do aerobics nowadays Billy- this is the eighties. I mean, just take a look at Richard Simmons.“

“You know, I’ve heard rumors about him,” Billy joked, and Jennifer laughed.

“Don’t be such a snob. Will you at least just say you’ll think about it?”

“What’s brought all this on anyway?”

“Nothing, really. But I just thought with my leg cast finally off, I feel like I need to do something, you know? Get out of the house. Move around a little. I’ve been sitting on my ass like an old lady for two months straight. I’m a mess,” she said.

Billy grinned at her wickedly. “You’re looking pretty good from where I’m sitting.”

But that wasn’t what she had meant. “You know what I mean, Billy. It’s an inner thing. I want to feel better about myself. Fitter. More in control. _Stronger_.”

“Stronger?”

“Look, it doesn’t matter why I want to do it.” Jennifer snatched up another pizza slice and chewed on it thoughtfully. “All I know is that I don’t want to leave 1984 the same scared, trembling little girl I was when I came into it. I mean, look at me,” she said. “I’m eighteen years old and I’ve already started looking for a divorce lawyer. For almost half of my married life, my body hasn’t belonged to me; It’s been Tommy’s and he’s been pretty much able to do whatever he wants with it. And now finally...it’s like I’m back in my body, and it’s mine and I want to use it. And I want to use it for myself.”

Jennifer hoped somehow that he would be able to understand that. To understand that it was a lot more to her than just prancing around in some leotard and getting her heart rate up. To her, it was about being empowered. And about using her body for something other than the pleasure of a man.

Jennifer wanted exertion. Fun. Movement. Above all, she wanted to feel alive after so many mindless, skull-numbing months of nothingness.

And she wanted nothing more than for Billy to feel alive with her.

“Promise me,” Jennifer said then, leaning past the tall salt and pepper shakers for his hand. “That you’ll at least _think_ about coming to the first lesson with me. I can’t promise you’ll enjoy it, but it would mean the world to me if you came.”

 _Christ_ , Billy thought. And knew he would have caved even if she hadn’t begged him. _For how the hell was he supposed to say no to a face like that?_

“I’m sure I’ll hate it,” he said, kicking back in his seat so that his leather jacket creaked lowly. “But for _you_...” Well of course he would. He’d wear a hot pink leotard too if she asked him to. “Alright, I’ll go. Are you happy now?”

“ _Very_ ,” Jennifer beamed. “You’re an absolute diamond.” And she blew him a kiss across the table, and smiled a smile so pretty that his stomach fluttered.

“I have a little something for you actually,” Jennifer announced then. “A present.”

“A Christmas present?”

“Of course,” she laughed at him. “What else would it be?”

“I thought we said we weren’t giving each other anything until tomorrow?” Billy cocked his head and shoveled in another mouthful of pasta. Chewed boyishly. “I don’t even think I have your present in the car.”

“Well, this isn’t really a ‘present’ sort of present,” Jennifer assured him. “You’ll still have something to open up tomorrow. It’s just that right now feels as good a time as any and...well, I wanted it to feel special,” she said. “And it is, right?”

“This isn’t a proposal, is it?”

“A proposal?” Jennifer flushed and sipped at her drink. “Do you want it to be?”

“No,” he said. “But only ‘cause I thought it’d be _me_ asking the question once you’ve finally got that damn ring off your finger.”

“Are you saying that as soon as I’m divorced, we’re getting married?”

“ _Maybe_ ,” he hinted, and Jennifer smiled dizzily at the idea while Billy pinched a noodle string between his thumb and forefinger. Crudely offered her the other end. “Want to Lady and the Tramp it with me, Jen? To seal the deal?”

“You’re disgusting _._ ” But Jennifer still leaned forward and took the other end of the pasta string into her mouth. Red lips pursing until she met him halfway; Mouths colliding messily when Billy tugged her closer for a kiss. His tongue swirling obscenely to taste her. To bite and steal her half of the noodle back.

“ _God, Billy you’re disgusting_.” Jennifer shoved him into his seat with a breathless grimace. Noticed the elderly couple staring at them in horror and so laughed out loud. Then blushed as red as the spaghetti sauce and looked down bashfully at the table. Muffled her laughter into the lipstick-stained napkin in her hand.

“So come on then,” Billy said, catching his breath. “What’s this present then?”

“It’s not a ‘present’ present,” Jennifer reminded him. Composed herself just enough to reach down into her purse for a slim, white envelope. “Darleen knows this guy at work,” she explained jitterly. “He’s kind of a regular and he used to be a cop and...well, he’s sort of very good at finding people.”

"Finding people? Finding who?” Billy’s eyes flickered with sudden, knowing suspicion to the paper in her hand. “Who’s the letter from?”

“I don’t want you to freak out on me,” Jennifer said. “I just want you to know that what I’ve done is because I love you and because I-”

“Who’s the letter from?” Billy demanded again. Still quiet, but a little sharper so that the diners around them looked up. “ _Jennifer_?”

Like a little flower in her pretty red dress, Jennifer seemed to wilt a little. Grew dimmer at the look on his face but persisted anyway.

“I thought it would be a good idea,” she started out nervously. Then stopped and corrected herself as if she wasn’t sure anymore. “I thought it would be a nice thing to do if I could get in touch with your mom and-“

_“You got in touch with my mom?”_

“Well...yes.” His reaction had Jennifer flustered. “But Billy, I was only trying to-“

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he said, and she blinked at him.

“Why not?

“ _Because! You had no right!”_ Diners looked up when Billy’s fist struck the table. Cutlery rattled and Jennifer recoiled like he’d pulled out a gun. “What the hell were you thinking?” He hissed, shooting forward. “I mean, Jesus, what were you- How could you think I would want that?”

“How could I think you _wouldn’t_ want that?” Jennifer’s fear of him quickly soured to anger and she threw her napkin down. “I’ve seen the way you look when you talk about your mom. How could I-“

“You had no right to do that,” he snapped at her.

“But why not?”

“Because! Because you had no right to interfere!”

“And yet you have every right to interfere in _my_ life?” Jennifer bristled and stuck out her chin. Shoulders high as he stared, eyes blazing. “You can play boyfriend of the year and try to save me from _my_ bullshit but I can’t save you from yours, ‘cause that’s not how it works, right? ‘Cause you’re a man, Billy; A big strong man and you’ve got to figure all this shit out by yourself.” Jennifer reacted when Billy smacked his chair back to the wall. “Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving,” he spat, paying the bill. “I don’t have to stay here and listen to this bullshit.”

“You mean you don’t _want_ to? Because I’m right? Because you _know_ I’m right?”

People around them guffawed at the spectacle but neither Jennifer nor Billy seemed to see them, and as Jennifer got up and followed him out of the restaurant, a light drizzle began to fall on the darkening street; Blurring the town’s twinkling Christmas lights into a macabre haze of hot pinks, reds, greens, and blues. Gave it all a comical circus look that Jennifer thought fitting.

“Billy, will you please wait?” Billy still stalked ahead of her so Jennifer jogged to keep up. Almost tripped in her heels and slipped off the sidewalk, but managed to steady her footing and catch up with him at the Town Hall. “I just wanted to do something nice for you,” She pleaded. “Why can’t you just see that?”

“Because I didn’t ask you to, did I?” Billy dragged away the leather-clad arm she reached for, scowling at her beneath the lights. “Why didn’t you just get me a mix-tape or something like a normal person?” He fumed. “A _normal_ present like a _normal_ girlfriend? Why did you have to interfere?”

“Why are you allowed to interfere and I’m not?”

“Wanting you out of that guy’s house _wasn’t_ interfering,” Billy argued. “He was hitting you, and what you’ve done isn’t even on the same level as-”

“Your dad was hitting _you_!” Jennifer yelled it and a few tears welled up. She shivered in her dress because she’d left her damn coat at the restaurant. “He still _is_ , Billy. And last summer, when I found out I tried to help you and you just pushed me away again. Do you think it didn’t ‘click’ with me how ironic it was when you suddenly wanted to help me? When you were-”

“This has nothing to do with that.”

“Of course it does. It has _everything_ to do with that!” Jennifer stepped around him when he tried to twist away again. Stood tall so he would have to see her anyway. “Every time you push help away, you’re only hurting yourself,” she said. “And perhaps that’s why you do it, Billy, but I’m never going to stop trying to help you...Because _you’ve_ never stopped trying to help _me_.”

Something white fluttered against his lapel, and Billy saw that it was that damned envelope again. Snatched up and now clutched tight between Jennifer’s fingers while she clung to him. Didn’t flinch away from those bright, hard eyes that stared down at her so coldly. Tried to intimidate. Repel. Push away.

To no avail.

“She wrote back to you,” Jennifer said. Softer now than she had ever been with him on that dark and glittering street corner. “I’m not saying that you have to read what she wrote straight away, or even that you have to see her once you’ve sat down and thought it over. But _take_ the letter, Billy. _Keep_ the letter.” She managed to push it between his fingers and he held on to her surprise. “My mother is only on the other side of town and she’s never felt further away from me. Don’t you want the chance to start over with yours?”

“Start over? What are you talking about? I can't just-" The bubble burst a second time and Billy exploded again, Jennifer retreating in fear of shrapnel. “Christ, you can’t just shove a letter like that into my hand and expect me to know what to do with it,” he yelled. “I haven’t spoken to that woman for over ten years! Am I supposed to just drop everything and be grateful that she did the bare minimum of picking up a fucking pen? Am I supposed to get down on my knees and thank you for getting involved in something that I was perfectly happy just leaving alone? I mean, what if I remember her differently to how she was? What if she was an asshole too like my dad is? Maybe _more_ of an asshole ‘cause at least my dad stuck around to take care of me. At least I know where I stand with him, but where the hell do I stand with her? Does she even love me? Cause if she did, then she wouldn’t have walked out on me, right?”

Billy had started off yelling but his words had slowly transformed into those of a rambling child; A scared little kid who thought if he could ask enough questions then he might also get the answer he wanted to hear. Jennifer realized then that his anger came only from the embarrassment and the confusion of fear. The clouding fear of the unknown and the fear of being unloved.

And that was something she knew she could perfectly well relate to.

“You don’t have to make this kind of decision right away,” she repeated, her voice shaking with the shot of adrenaline that coursed through her. “Billy, I’m sorry for writing to your mom, okay? But I honestly didn’t even know for sure she would write back. I just thought it was something that would make you happy.”

That was all she had tried to do. That was all she had _ever_ tried to do.

Jennifer’s hands fumbled for his belt and she clung to him.

“I wish you were happy,” she whispered now, pained as she pushed up onto her toes to kiss him. Billy’s stubble scratching her cheeks and the palms of her hands when they came up to feel. “But you’re _not_ happy, are you?” She begged. “Not really. God, Billy, I wish you would just let me-”

“ _Jennifer_.”

“What is it?” She dragged her mouth to his collar and nuzzled into him. Deeply inhaled all of that cologne and leather. The metallic zing of his necklace and the punch of his hairspray. Inhaled as if to inhale all of him. “Every time I mention her, it’s like a light goes out inside of you,” she rambled, without waiting for him to speak. “It makes me _ache_ , Billy. Seeing you hurting and lonely, and me feeling like I can’t do anything about it. Can’t take it away. Can’t make you feel any better. Can’t take on some of the pain that you’re feeling but won’t talk about-”

“ _Jennifer_ , _please_.” Billy cleared his throat and she stopped talking to look at him. Hopefully raised her eyes to see his face, splashed red by the stoplight on the corner that blinked monotonously behind them. Kept on changing even though this side of the street was still and quiet and empty.

"I’ve fucked it up for us, haven’t I?” Jennifer asked. And around them, the drizzle kept on falling. Billy sighed and put a hand to the back of her hair, and it was damp and tangled from the rain. “I’ve fucked it up for us _again_ , haven’t I?”

And Billy didn’t answer her for a long time.

“I think I better take you home,” was all he said. And it was at that moment that the clock tower began to chime twelve behind them. And Jennifer realized with a sinking, aching feeling that it was Christmas Day. 

\---

“ _So_ ,” Darleen demanded knowingly the next morning, “Who died last night?”

“I’m sorry?” Jennifer looked up from the breakfast table with her cigarette halfway to her mouth. Had barely eaten anything that morning but half a cinnamon bagel and a steaming, black cup of coffee. Stared at Darleen almost churlishly in her sulky dark sweater. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about that ‘woe-is-me-blue-Christmas’ look you’ve got plastered all over your face,” the older woman chimed in. “Because something tells me that seeing as you left for your date last night the happiest I’ve seen you, something truly awful must have happened between then and this morning, am I right?” 

She must have been, because Jennifer’s mouth twitched as if going to say something, and Darleen knew then that she had taken the bait, so she simply sat back with her arms crossed and waited.

“ _Nobody_ _died_ ,” Jennifer answered at last, childishly putting her cigarette out with a hiss into her coffee. “Only my relationship anyway.”

“You broke up with Billy?”

“He broke up with me. Or at least, I think he did,” she said.

“You _think_ he did? You mean, you don’t know for sure?”

“Billy doesn’t break up with people, he just stops talking to them.” Jennifer picked at what little was left of her bagel. “That’s what he did last time, and that’s probably what he’s doing now. That’s what he did last summer anyway.”

Darleen knew very little about the young couple’s history other than that they had _always_ been together. Remembered an evening during dinner one time when Jennifer had confessed to not knowing when their relationship had truly begun, but simply accepted that it had _always_ been that way. Since Kindergarten. Since middle-school. Since right up until their senior year, when for some unspoken reason the two teens had split, and Jennifer had been unwittingly drawn into Tommy Lewinsky’s arms and then his marriage bed.

“I gave Billy the letter from his mom,” Jennifer confessed, looking up. “I know you said not to give it to him until the New Year, but the moment seemed so right, you know? We were having dinner. We were laughing. We were just there in the moment with each other. I thought it would make him happy.”

“But it didn’t?”

Jennifer laughed as if that was a wild understatement. “He went batshit, Darl. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so angry. He stormed out of the restaurant and we had this big fight, right there in the street. Said I was interfering and I should have just left it alone and got him a mix-tape or something. As if I’d ever get him a mix-tape,” she added moodily. “I can’t think of anything more tacky.”

“So how did you leave things?” Darleen asked, trying to keep her on topic. “How did it end? Did he take you home?”

“He took me home but he wouldn’t talk about it.” Jennifer’s eyes slid to the Christmas tree in the corner and settled there as if she could see something hopeful twinkling in the lights. “I kept trying to make him see how sorry I was. It’s not like I ever _meant_ to upset him, I just wanted to do something nice, you know? He _misses_ her. And it’s not like he talks about her a lot, but whenever he does I can see it in his face how much it hurts him. How much he wishes she was there with him, or he was there with her. He’s just scared, that’s all.”

“Scared of what?”

“I don’t know. Of her not being the fairy-princess he remembers.” Jennifer broke down then and a few tears slipped out onto her plate. She seemed seized with a sudden thought that had overwhelmed her. “This is just like what happened last time,” she said fearfully. “Just like last summer, Darl, when he dropped me back at my mom’s house and stopped calling. Wouldn’t take my calls. Wouldn’t answer the phone. Wouldn’t even come to the door when I tried going over to talk to him-” Jennifer’s eyes were bright and shiny when she raised her head. “I never told you about what happened, did I? Why me and Billy spit the last time?”

“Some argument,” Darleen recalled. “You never said what it was about.”

“It was so stupid,” Jennifer said. “ _I_ was so stupid. _He_ was stupid.”

“Break-ups usually _are_ stupid.”

“This one was _really_ stupid. Stupid because we were still so damn crazy about each other. I was only ever trying to take care of him, and I guess in his own way, Billy thought he was doing the same thing to me. It was only when we split up that we started taking shots at each other that really hurt. Because before that, none of it had ever meant anything. Nothing we said or did had ever really done anything but bounce off of us. We both knew we didn’t mean any of it.”

Jennifer went quiet and it was a long while before she spoke again.

“Last summer though, I found out something,” she said. “Something I shouldn’t have. Something Billy would rather have died for than have me find out about. But I _did_ find out,” Jennifer added gravely. “During the last week of school before summer vacation. We said we were going to go see a movie one night, so I got dressed up and I waited for him. I waited for him a whole hour on that boardwalk until I realized he wasn’t coming.”

“He stood you up?” That wasn’t like him. That wasn’t like Billy at all.

Darleen couldn’t help but wonder where it had all gone wrong.

“I went over to his house,” Jennifer explained dreamily, and her voice had taken on a strange, detached quality. “I remember being so angry at him and having this speech all prepared in my head. But when I got there, I glanced through the kitchen window on my way to the door, and what I saw just made me stop and I couldn’t move. It was like I was fixed in place and I couldn’t....” As she’d been speaking, Jennifer’s eyes had faintly glassed over like a doll's. “You know it’s not right to stare but you can’t help staring anyway. It was like one of those terrible car crashes you see on the TV.”

Jennifer’s head bent and a dark curl tumbled down to shadow her face.

Without blinking, her hands came up to sweep it aside.

“Billy was kneeling there on the kitchen floor,” Jennifer remembered. “He was kneeling there with his fingers touching the ground just like he was running a race or something. And I remember thinking how odd it looked, I don’t even think I knew what was happening at first. _Until I saw Neil_ ,” she added seriously. And in the warm little breakfast room, Darleen swore that the place grew colder. “He was standing over him and he was beating him. Beating him with this long black belt around the shoulders and all along his spine. And I could hear it through the kitchen window- _I can still hear it_ \- that awful cracking sound it made every time that he-” Jennifer stopped talking and looked up. There were tears in her eyes and there were tears in Darleen’s eyes too. “Billy wasn’t even crying,” she said. “It was like he was so used to it, it didn’t even matter anymore.”

“Neil Hargrove.” Darleen had always thought there was something wrong with that man; With that lean, hard face and that bristling coldness only a military man could possess. Her worried mind slipped to his pale, timid wife with the dark glasses and the scarf on her hair, and suddenly things seemed to make a lot more sense. “I never did like him, you know. At least now I know why.”

"I should have done something,” said Jennifer quietly. “I should have banged on the window that night and made him stop but I didn’t. I should have called the cops but I didn’t do that either. I went home and I puked in the kitchen sink. Told my mother I must have eaten something funny on the boardwalk.”

“You weren’t to blame,” Darleen tried, but Jennifer laughed and knew different.

“If I’d tried to stop Neil that night, I don’t think Billy would have hated me for it. He’d have been embarrassed, Darl, but he’d have known that he would have done the same for me in a heartbeat. _Instead_ ,” sighed Jennifer, loathing herself. “I brought it up to him like a coward a whole week later and offered to call child services. I think it was the thought that I’d stood there and watched it happen that he hated the most. Billy would never have done that if it had been me.”

So it was guilt then that had driven Jennifer into reaching out to Billy’s mother. A melancholy mix of love and regret that had her thinking she needed to atone somehow. Atone for being a frightened teenage girl who had never seen a father beat his son before. Who had frozen in fear and lost all sense of what to do.

The irony of her ending up with Tommy afterward hadn’t slipped past Darleen, and she couldn’t help wondering whether the girl had subconsciously thought herself deserving of the man’s abuse. Deserving of every batter and bruise and every night spent teary-eyed in his bed. Resistant of every helping hand because of _one_ night last summer, when she had stood there and done nothing.

“The world is a dark and heinous place,” Darleen spoke up to make Jennifer see her. “And I can’t explain why people do the things they do. But I know that the suffering in the world is only ever caused by the people doing it and that people like you and people like Billy are never the ones to blame.”

“I just wish I could make it all right,” the girl said, and there were a thousand different frustrations in her eyes. “You ever love somebody so much it hurts?”

“Once, but that was a long time ago.” Then speaking quickly before they could get into it, Darleen leaned forward to sweep up Jennifer’s hand. “You should dry your eyes and go pick up the phone,” she said. “Call Billy and invite him over. It’s Christmas Day- you shouldn’t fight. You don’t want to wait another six months before you reconcile. And besides, who knows? He might even have come round a little now you’ve both slept on it.”

Jennifer knew otherwise because she knew Billy, but got up and went over to the phone anyway. Dialed the number she knew by heart and counted the rings, but knew though deep down that just like last summer, Susan Hargrove would pick up the phone on the third ring; Ask who was calling, then smile regretfully down the line and say in her sugar-sweet voice...

...that she was very sorry, but Billy was unable to come to the phone right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes this chapter took me so long and I’m still not happy with how it turned out, but sometimes I think I never will be lol :) Leave words if you have any and thank you for reading! Have a brilliant New Year however you celebrate, and take some comfort in knowing that your year probably didn’t go as bad as Jennifer’s went xoxo


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